11: Tap Into The More Wise Part Of You w/ Dr. Ann Balkanski

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: You've probably heard the phrase it's all in your head or you're just too in your head about it, but is there some truth in that? With all those anxious thoughts swirling around in your head, it's hard to concentrate. One negative thought leads to 20 other anxious thoughts, and then you're trying to sort out in your mind why you're constantly thinking the way that you do.

[00:00:23] Shanenn Bryant: You may hate hearing those phrases, but you can probably physically feel the truth of those phrases and the heaviness in your overcharged brain. Medical doctor and clinical hypnotherapist Ann Marie Balkanski says all of us, jealousy junkie or not, tend to lead with our thinking mind. But that's only about 10% of who you are and she's sharing one way to tap into the much bigger part of you. The smarter, more wise side of you that has more answers to help tackle this jealousy thing.

[00:01:01] Podcast intro: There's just no other way to say it, jealousy sucks. And I know you do anything to not be jealous, but you just can't shake it. Obsessive thoughts, knots of anxiety in your stomach, disastrous nights out and even ruined relationships; I've been there. Welcome to Jealousy Junkie the podcast to help you go from that jealous and anxious feeling in your relationship to calm and confident. 

[00:01:27] Podcast intro: My name is Shanenn Bryant and as one of the few who focus on overcoming jealousy, I'll be right here to support you through the painful range of emotions, tackle your jealous reactions and bring your sanity check questions to the table.

[00:01:43] Shanenn Bryant: So, tell us what you mostly focus on and what your practice is. 

[00:01:50] Ann Marie Balkanski: So, I am a medical doctor as well as a transpersonal and clinical hypnotherapist. So, I basically help people mainly overcome self-sabotage, limiting beliefs, and I target the subconscious mind to help them overcome any emotions or behaviors that could be getting in the way in really any area within their life. But I do that while they're in a very nice, comfortable trance, which is hypnosis.

[00:02:17] Shanenn Bryant: Yes. And when they're in this state, you're really going into their subconscious mind and trying to pull some things from there. Why is it so important to go there versus just our working mind? 

[00:02:32] Ann Marie Balkanski: The difference between like what I do verse maybe even like the traditional model is I communicate directly with the feeling body.

[00:02:38] Ann Marie Balkanski: That's another way of explaining the subconscious mind. We have two aspects of our mind. We have this thinking mind, which is the thinking, the thoughts that you have up there that, you know, tend to try to run the show, you know, you can hear that voice. It usually comes through as your voice and it is just 10% of who we are.

[00:02:58] Ann Marie Balkanski: I like to see it like if you were to think of the ship, the captain at the very front tends to be that thinking mind, it's obvious. It, you know, really tries to dictate all the workers in the back of the ship. And the subconscious mind really is the engine room. It is all the workers on the ship actually making it go

[00:03:17] Ann Marie Balkanski: So subconscious mind is the body. It is the communication system that really tells us what is really going on. 

[00:03:24] Shanenn Bryant: You say that's just 10% and the rest of it is kind of buried in that subconscious mind. One, why is that? And two, does that mean that most of the things that we think or feel, or the way that we behave, isn't the full story?

[00:03:44] Ann Marie Balkanski: So how I'd like to think about the thinking mind, it is, it is a part of who we are, and it is a very important part of who we are, but it's not all of who we are. And what we tend to do is we tend to put more attention in that and it can get in the way of making appropriate decisions, or if we overthink things, it can definitely get in the way.

[00:04:04] Ann Marie Balkanski: The body is definitely more of who we are. The subconscious mind is more of who we are. And I like to say, like, we need to create a good friendship with our thinking mind and our subconscious mind and understand really which part of you really has more of the answers and knows how to maybe handle a situation.

[00:04:21] Ann Marie Balkanski: So, it's kind of like walking into a room. If walked into a room with a bunch of people and I could, you can instantly feel like something is off. Like my gut feeling is telling me so much more, my feeling body is telling me so much more than my thinking mind. So what would my thinking mind do my thinking mind will over rationalize and be like, do I like, am I wearing some weird clothes?

[00:04:41] Ann Marie Balkanski: Like, why are people, like, why are they looking like this or acting like this? Or are they mad at me? Like, what did I do? And, and so we immediately like target ourselves and overthink things and over judgment things, when really there's just something, something bad maybe happened. And our body is like telling us, but we tend to bring it upon ourselves. 

[00:05:00] Ann Marie Balkanski: So, there's these two parts of us and they're not bad. And we mostly get trained to listen to the thinking mind than the body mind, the subconscious mind. It holds all the memory. For example, cuz you asked why is it important? So, let's say you were to hear maybe a song and that song was a happy song and it reminded you immediately of, uh, an event that you went to.

[00:05:25] Ann Marie Balkanski: You get flashes immediately in your mind about that event and you even start to feel those good feelings immediately because of that song. And it's the same thing, like listening to a breakup song, somebody you like listen to a breakup song, you instantly like feel sad and maybe even cry. Like it's just the emotions and all of the memories are tied to the feelings.

[00:05:47] Ann Marie Balkanski: So the memory of that experience is tied to the emotions, which means it is ingrained in our body. Most people think that when we think about memory, it's just like in our thinking mind, but no, it's, it's held within our body. It's through the feelings and the perceptions that we have that all are kind of like the pathways or the highways within a map.

[00:06:07] Ann Marie Balkanski: It's just, that's the programming in the, in the body. So when it comes to reactions, we may react based on an emotion or a feeling. And those are patterns that we create from past events or situations that we've had that basically are ingrained within our body or our subconscious mind. 

[00:06:25] Shanenn Bryant: Very interesting, because if we talk about jealousy in particular, we know that this can come about from several different things, but it could be something that happened in your childhood. It could be a relationship with infidelity or a series of relationships with infidelity, but we see it all on the outside. Our reactions, the things that we say, the way that we behave, but the root is then most likely the stored memories, the stored feelings that are then coming out in reactions. 

[00:06:59] Ann Marie Balkanski: Correct. So how I like to explain it is like, if your audience and everybody listening to us right now thinks of a movie, I want you to do it too. Think of a movie. Give me a movie. Any movie, first thing that comes forward.

[00:07:12] Shanenn Bryant: Top Gun, I just saw it.

[00:07:14] Ann Marie Balkanski: Oh yeah. I wanna see it. So what is the likeliness I'm telling the audience too? What is the likeliness that you would give me a movie that you have never seen or experienced? 

[00:07:24] Shanenn Bryant: No,I wouldn't

[00:07:25] Ann Marie Balkanski: Not possible, right? Not possible. Yeah. And so everything that you experience in your life is based on a movie that you've seen and experienced.

[00:07:33] Ann Marie Balkanski: So the same thing is for our behaviors, all of our behaviors are based upon something we have seen or experienced. So those are the events or relationships that have been in our life. You know, usually the foundation is created in childhood. That imprint, basically something that makes us believe that we are something.

[00:07:49] Ann Marie Balkanski: So, when it comes to jealousy, for example, there tends to be this insecurity, right? This like fear of like, oh my God, why is he looking at her? Or, you know, there's, I can definitely relate to this. When I first started dating my boyfriend, I was like, I got really jealous over someone. Cause I didn't really know him.

[00:08:06] Ann Marie Balkanski: I thought he was this Playboy. And you know, I immediately get this like feeling rush in my body and at that moment, I just felt like, am I good enough? Like, am I good enough for him? Like when I really dug deep and looked at it, I realized like it was this like fear of not being good enough. And this came from my childhood.

[00:08:24] Ann Marie Balkanski: And so this was always whenever I have had, uh, some behavioral issues, it always kind of stemmed from the two beliefs that I had a lot about myself, of not being good enough or worthy and also feeling like I'm alone and that's because of my upbringing. And so again, it came from an event or a relationship that occurred, which is like a movie that was basically imprinted upon me and then made me react.

[00:08:47] Ann Marie Balkanski: You know, I got angry with him. I got irritable. I even was like being really standoffish with him. And then later, you know, obviously realizing where it came from and, you know, he, he was a good guy, obviously I'm still with him, so.

[00:09:01] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Cause you had a hard relationship with your mom or a non-existent relationship with your mom, is that right?

[00:09:07] Ann Marie Balkanski: Yeah. I mean, I had a, a very hard relationship with my mom and most of my, my stuff, because all that was, you know, feeling like I'm not worthy. Like I just wanted to be accepted by people more than anything. Like I just wanted someone to adopt me, someone to take me in to gimme stability. So, right. A lot of the foundation of who I am was really, you know, my deep inner work was really around just feeling worthy and just feeling also understanding that I'm not alone, but I, I felt alone a lot. 

[00:09:35] Ann Marie Balkanski: And so a lot of my patterns came from that and I didn't realize how that even was projecting out into my relationships. I was in a 15 year relationship as well. And I did not realize until the end of it, you know, after I was just in such a dumps in a sense, like I had a good career. You know, I love this relationship and I was just so miserable, and I was like, what is wrong with me? Like this is after med school. And I was like, you know, I'm a doctor. Like, why am I so miserable until I went to a hypnotherapist and that's kind of what got me into the field.

[00:10:08] Ann Marie Balkanski: I realized, wow, I never really looked at my upbringing, my childhood. I never really forgiven my mom. I never really, you know, forgiven myself. And those were the patterns that I was just repeating, even in my last relationship. And that was a huge aha moment for me. And then when I entered into my new relationship, I was like, I never wanna do that again.

[00:10:30] Ann Marie Balkanski: I never wanna feel like I'm not worthy. Not good enough alone. 

[00:10:34] Shanenn Bryant: It's a terrible feeling and can really cause a lot of havoc in your life, without you even realizing that these things are happening or going on, or that you are behaving in certain ways. 

[00:10:51] Ann Marie Balkanski: You don't know what you don't know and it's like that movie, it's something that you've just been exposed to for so long that you think it's normal.

[00:10:59] Ann Marie Balkanski: Like you think it's kind of like if you had like anybody that's ever had a tattoo or a vibrating, you know, pen on your arm. At some point, it becomes numb. You don't feel it because it's your baseline. Like you think that's just how it is. And like, for me, you know, I never had, I was raised in a pretty dysfunctional upbringing and family, which was broken in a sense, I hate that word, but it was broken in that I did not see what even a healthy relationship looked like.

[00:11:25] Ann Marie Balkanski: So my movie was very unhealthy in regards to what a relationship looked like. That was just all I knew. It's I thought that that was normal. It was my movie until someone else showed me a new one. The issue is that when two people come together, you're dealing with these two completely different perspectives and experiences.

[00:11:46] Ann Marie Balkanski: And that's why, like, when I have worked with couples or I work with people, you know, families, like I don't bring them together in the beginning. No way because the thing is there's such different perspectives. So first I wanna understand their perspective and then we get clarity on that. Cause it's like, you're just seeing the world through this lens.

[00:12:04] Ann Marie Balkanski: Right. And every movie is like the lens. So you can imagine that there's like this purple lens, there's green lens and orange lens. And, you know, looking through all of that, you're gonna see the world through your own different perspective or hue. And everybody's like that everybody has their own reflection back to their bank of memories to then, you know, perceive the world through.

[00:12:25] Ann Marie Balkanski: It's very unique for every different person. And so that's why even within like a relationship, the issues that one person feels may not be the same as the other person. You know, someone may have jealousy and the other person may not have jealousy. The other person may have something completely different.

[00:12:42] Shanenn Bryant: Right. I talk to a lot of people where there's really no evidence. Their partner is for all intents and purposes, a good person, and they're really trying in the relationship. And it is then kind of the one person who just cannot get over this feeling of jealousy, this extreme of jealousy in this particular relationship.

[00:13:03] Shanenn Bryant: In that case, how would getting hypnotherapy, meditation, all of those modalities, in what ways could that help that person maybe overcome some of that jealousy? 

[00:13:16] Ann Marie Balkanski: With hypnotherapy, there's this level of awareness that gets the door kind of opens up to. So, with hypnotherapy, most people think that, oh, hypnosis is about sleeping.

[00:13:26] Ann Marie Balkanski: No, not at all. It's about waking up. When you're going into a hypnosis it's comparable to meditation. And when you're in a meditation, you're actually more aware and hypnosis is about really just becoming more aware of all the little parts within you that really are creating whatever the scenario or issue is.

[00:13:44] Ann Marie Balkanski: And so I would say like for someone that's going through an issue with a relationship or trying to work through some of their jealousy or issues at hand, then they'll just more than anything get a clearer picture of if that's you, or if that's them. And just not take it bogged down in a sense by the emotions that will cause you to react, which is not the intention of why you're maybe in that relationship. It's empowering to, to be aware of what is it that I needed to do within this relationship to make it better, even if you're not continuing that relationship. What is it that I kind of contributed so that I don't do this again?

[00:14:24] Shanenn Bryant: I love that you said hypnotherapy is about waking up because you're getting more clear. And I do find that a lot and certainly in my own experience where if I had a jealous thought or a jealous moment, and I was kind of in that state, one of the things that would happen is me wondering, well is this something that's not okay? Would a quote unquote, normal person be okay with this? Or is it just me because I'm so jealous. 

[00:14:56] Shanenn Bryant: And so that hypnotherapy and getting clear on what's really going on, what the situation is, and kind of the role that you're playing in it, I think is so valuable. 

[00:15:08] Ann Marie Balkanski: And I'm glad you brought that up because another thing that could be happening that we may not be fully, really aware is that jealousy is being mixed with your intuition and your gut feeling.

[00:15:19] Ann Marie Balkanski: You know, like we may get a feeling like something's off. The thing is we're not trained. Really our culture in society is not really trained to really learn how to listen. And I mean, listen to the body and what it's really telling us. So sometimes emotions get really mixed and confused.

[00:15:34] Shanenn Bryant: So since there may be some confusion or at least what people think when they think about hypnotherapy, can you walk us through what happens in the sessions? 

[00:15:46] Ann Marie Balkanski: First of all, all hypnosis is self-hypnosis. So even for those that wanna listen and you can do it yourself. Um, really all hypnosis means is that you're just very open for suggestions and a good comparison.

[00:16:00] Ann Marie Balkanski: It's like when you're sleeping, but you're wide awake and aware that you're sleeping. So if anybody's ever had a lucid dream, it's that state. It takes some time to get relaxed, cuz again, we're in our head typically. So it's really just making sure that if I'm doing a session with someone, I wanna make sure they understand what hypnosis really is.

[00:16:18] Ann Marie Balkanski: It's self-hypnosis. It really is all you doing it. I cannot control you. I can't make you say or do things you don't wanna say or do most people think about stage hypnosis or they've seen like horrible movie that really portrayed hypnosis in the wrong way. Right? I'm like, no, that's not what it is because it's not a control thing.

[00:16:37] Ann Marie Balkanski: Nobody can control anybody. First I make sure they're very well educated and they understand it's a very natural state that you've been in. Kinda like you driving from one place to another and not remembering like how you got there. You were in a trance. Or like watching a movie where you're just so ingrained in the characters that you're like, oh my God, why did Bobby have to leave Sue and you cry with them or laugh with them.

[00:16:58] Ann Marie Balkanski: It's that entrance state where you lose time. And so we first educate, and then I guide them into that relaxation. And I just verbally talk with them through that guidance, imagery work. And I usually do different techniques dependent upon who I'm working with cuz I can tell, oh, are they really logical mind?

[00:17:17] Ann Marie Balkanski: Are they thinking a lot? Are they very visual? Are they not very visual? And so there's some components that would determine the induction is what it's called. And so I would take roughly about 20 minutes to get them into a very, very deep, relaxed state. And then once we're there. Then I start to work on what we initially talked about.

[00:17:34] Ann Marie Balkanski: So, let's say it's confidence. So let's say they're like, Hey, I want more confidence. You know, I have these things coming up. So what is making them not confident are the emotions that I bring up. That's usually how I start is I bring up parts of them and we start to really look at it, but more in almost an objective way.

[00:17:52] Ann Marie Balkanski: It's kind of like you can be in an emotion, or you can look at emotion. So, I kind of play with this state in a sense where I pull them out so that they can kind of look at the movie and see it. And they get so much awareness by doing that. But it's while you're in that state. So, you know, my sessions are pretty long. They're two hours long and so we spend the rest of the time an hour and a half just going back and forth. 

[00:18:16] Ann Marie Balkanski: So people are talking when they're in hypnosis. They're just... eyes are closed, they're inward, they're much more just connected with kind of, and feeling more and being more aware of things and also stepping in and stepping out.

[00:18:28] Ann Marie Balkanski: And I direct them to start to shift some emotions or beliefs about themself and there's many different ways of doing that. But the session is about two hours long and all that happens within that. 

[00:18:43] Shanenn Bryant: That's amazing. Is there a time where you can tell if someone is using their thinking brain in a session? 

[00:18:53] Ann Marie Balkanski: Absolutely. Absolutely you can. And there's just these subconscious cues that happen when you're in that state. You know, I pick up on the cues, the breathing, the just like the way that there's this, like there's a shift in the face, there's this just like calmness that takes over and you can just, the, the way that people speak is a bit more, um, slower and quieter.

[00:19:16] Ann Marie Balkanski: And so you can tell when they're in that state. And there's certain ways that they will talk that tell you, ah, you're thinking a lot here or they're much more lively. There's just this shift that you can just tell. So it's kind of like, it's like going to sleep. So hypnosis is wanting to teeter on that state right before you fall asleep.

[00:19:35] Ann Marie Balkanski: So if you've ever felt yourself falling asleep, and then you catch yourself. It's that state right there, or you're just like, kind of in this dreamy, but not sleep, almost sleep state. It's called hypnagogic. So we're working within that place right there where the mind is much more open. And that's why, you know, like if you wanna talk about the science behind it, it's comparable to a child, because the brainwaves that a child produces are called beta, which is the same brain waves that we produce when we're in meditation, when we're relaxed, when we're sleeping and in REM sleep. 

[00:20:08] Ann Marie Balkanski: And so during those brain waves, we're just very open for creating change. And so that's why hypnosis tends to have a pretty high success in like creating fast results. That's why I like cigarette smokers know about it. Or maybe even like people losing weight. It's just like, it's kind of popular in those realms. I don't do those things. I specifically focus on more of the emotional dysregulation or self-sabotage. 

[00:20:32] Shanenn Bryant: Thank you for walking us through that process. Cuz I just wanted people to have a really good idea of what it was like so that they can be aware of why it could be so beneficial to them in trying to heal some of this jealousy that they may be experiencing.

[00:20:49] Ann Marie Balkanski: Absolutely. And there's, you know, there's meditations out there and if anybody has ever meditated before, it's quite similar in that the state that we're getting into, I like to say hypnosis is like meditation on steroids. So, you know, the main difference is that you're much more open for suggestions.

[00:21:08] Ann Marie Balkanski: And so that like audio, if you're gonna listen to a guided meditation, for example, if there's suggestions within it then, and you're very relaxed and open then that's considered hypnosis. Cuz again, all hypnosis is self hypnosis. I put myself into a trans all the time. Every night I put myself into a trans I do hypnosis to myself.

[00:21:30] Ann Marie Balkanski: I actually have a YouTube where I have a bunch of free meditations and hypnosis audios if anybody wants to go check it out. So, if they're interested in like learning, just like what even it is and doing it for yourself, I highly encourage it. Listening to good audios before bed you're very open. Listen to it. 

[00:21:47] Shanenn Bryant: wonderful. Yeah. Well, and that's wonderful. Thank you for sharing that. I will definitely point to that in the show notes. Well, gosh, this has been a great conversation. Thank you so much for talking about this and, uh, giving us all the good value today. I really appreciate it. 

[00:22:03] Ann Marie Balkanski: Yeah. Likewise. Thank you for having me. 

[00:22:06] Shanenn Bryant: I have fallen asleep many nights after Dr. Balkanski’s meditation. So, I have linked two of them in the show notes, go grab 'em there. And I recently started the Jealousy Junkie Facebook group. So if you're not in the group, go join the group today. Hope to see you inside. 

[00:22:27] Shanenn Bryant: Until next time, take care. And remember, you're not alone.