19: Three Things That Slow Your Progress Of Overcoming Jealousy

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: There are three things I believe can slow your progress of becoming more confident and taming your jealousy. And those three things are a make-up, a breakup, and a hiccup. I'm diving into each one of these on this episode of Jealousy Junkie. I'm Shanenn Bryant, former extreme jealous girl sharing my experiences, techniques, and tactics that worked for me to help you go from jealous and anxious in your relationship to calm and confident. 

[00:00:31] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Let's get right to the first thing that can slow your progress to becoming more confident and taming your jealousy and that is a makeup. When you and your partner have made up and you're back in honeymoon phase. You had an argument most likely due to jealousy, and now you've made up. And here's why I say this makeup stage can slow your progress. 

[00:00:55] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: There are several characteristics in which someone with extreme jealousy often has. Insecurities feelings of low self-worth, possibly anxious attachment. Which likely means you're a reassurance seeker. 

[00:01:09] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: You long for reassurance from your partner. You crave attention because that attention makes you feel worthy. It's what you use to gauge if they still love you; still care about you. To you, having their full focus may be what makes everything okay again. So, this cycle may go something like this. 

[00:01:29] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: You feel insecure, so you protect by exhibiting jealous behaviors which causes an argument and pushes your partner away. This is the time where you're desperate. You start searching the internet for answers to solve your jealousy. You schedule an appointment, maybe with a therapist or a coach, you start researching endlessly for resources and you're super excited and headstrong that you're going to overcome this thing once and for all. 

[00:01:57] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: You have a really good talk with your partner. You apologize. Maybe you even tell them of your plans to seek help. And because they love you and they want things to be good again, you guys make up. And that makeup window feels so good because your partner's attentive, they're being reassuring. They're telling you all those things that you wanted to hear. 

[00:02:18] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: And for that short window, life is beautiful again. And since everything is beautiful and you're feeding off that high and that new invigorating energy, you convince yourself that you're going to do better and be better. And now all those plans, all those things that when you were in desperate mode that you wanted to do, that self-development doesn't seem as appealing or necessary anymore because you're back in that honeymoon stage. 

[00:02:47] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: And you lose interest in doing the hard work. Because in a sense, you got the fix. You wanted reassurance, the attention, the love, the affection, and you got that. And now you're living in that bliss of the honeymoon window again. 

[00:03:03] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: This is partly why I called the podcast Jealousy Junkie. It isn't because you love being jealous. I know that, but it's the cycle. Like getting the cheese when you ring the bell. It's that dopamine hit of love and affection and attention. That you need to feel worthy and confident. It's that feel good drug. 

[00:03:24] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So now you have that high for a while, but it's typically a short window before those cravings start up again. So this makeup time can be very detrimental to your progress because often you brush off working on yourself while you're in this honeymoon love stage window where you're getting all the affection and the attention that you longed for. So that's making you feel good. It's making you feel confident. 

[00:03:52] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: It's that false sense of confidence that you have in this makeup stage, in this makeup window that could possibly derail you. 

[00:04:01] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So, while I'm glad that there was a makeup and you and your partner have made up. Don't forget that there's still work to be done. All of those things that you set out to do when you were feeling bad. When you were in that argument. When you wanted things to be different. That work still exists and still needs to be done. So don't get caught up in that makeup stage or that makeup window, because I'm sure you've learned, that only lasts for so long unless you've made some changes in between. So be careful about that makeup window. 

[00:04:39] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: The second thing that can slow your progress is a breakup. And I hear a lot where jealousy junkies will break up with their partner because they just can't handle the jealous feelings. Or the relationship ended because of the jealousy. 

[00:04:54] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: That breakup though can often stop your growth because let's face it when you're single, there's not much relationship jealousy happening because there's no partner to be worried about. 

[00:05:05] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So, you may carry on being single, looking for the next partner who you think may understand you more, be more empathetic to your jealous feelings or you think maybe they won't do those things to make you jealous. And it's really easy to forget about personal growth during your single time, because our fears and insecurities are not as obvious. They're not front and center. So your jealousy healing tends to get put on the back burner. 

[00:05:33] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: However, being single can be a great time to work on improvements in this area. You typically have more quiet time. So, more time to think. Time to dig in and deconstruct some of those beliefs that you've been viewing the world with and see what's no longer serving you. 

[00:05:53] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: It's also an incredible time to get back to the things that you love to do, or find something new that you love to do, that you can take into your next relationship. Your single time is the best time also to set new boundaries for your next relationship or more importantly, work on your confidence and feelings of self-worth to be strong enough to uphold those boundaries in your next relationship. 

[00:06:20] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Cause it's pretty easy for us to set boundaries. It's having the strength to uphold those boundaries that's a little bit more difficult. So your single time can be a really great time to actually still work on your jealous feelings. And I know that breakups can be difficult, and I hope that you don't have to experience a breakup, but if you do, don't let this slow your growth progress. You'll often forget about feeling jealous in the relationship. And as you know, most of the time, it isn't our partner that's causing these jealous feelings. 

[00:06:55] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: All of that work is more about the inside. And doing that work is important in your single time so that you don't carry it into your next relationship. 

[00:07:05] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So, the number one thing that can slow down your progress to becoming more confident and overcoming jealousy is a makeup. The second is a breakup. And the last one, this third thing that can slow your progress and really bring it to a screeching halt, is a hiccup. Otherwise known as falling off the wagon. However you want to say it.

[00:07:26] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: But hiccups can come in all sorts of ways and really can be the biggest culprit holding you back from success. But they're also the best teacher, an indicator of future success. 

[00:07:41] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: What I want to warn you of is missing having a plan and understanding and learning from the hiccups and being prepared that you're going to have a hiccup. But then what am I going to do when I have one of these hiccups? There are many out there and I'm sure that you'll experience some of them. 

[00:08:01] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So, I'll share some of my experiences of my hiccups with you so you can be on the lookout for them. 

[00:08:08] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: One hiccup can be when you try to work the problem from outside in. So for example, And maybe you've already done this at some point if you were going to an event or a celebration or gathering, or maybe just dinner with you and your partner. 

[00:08:24] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So here's what I used to do. Here's what I used to tell myself. Okay. I'm going to really start focusing on my appearance. And I'm going to buy a new outfit. And I'm going to dress up and I'm going to give myself time to do my makeup really well. I'm going to get my nails done. I'm going to work out every day up until the event. I'm going to look super cute and I'm going to look my best. 

[00:08:49] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Guess what? That doesn't work. 

[00:08:53] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: One, buying new outfits or trying to stay on trends is just horrible. I hate trends. I mean, I'm all about dressing up and I love a good accessory and a great outfit that makes me feel good. But chasing trends is not important. And it's just something else to feel like you're comparing yourself to. So instead, do a capsule wardrobe full of things that make you feel great and call it a day. 

[00:09:22] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: In fact, we need some uplifting guests and some uplifting episode. So I'm going to find someone who specializes in capsule wardrobes to teach you how to do a great capsule. In case you don't know what a capsule wardrobe is, it's just basically buying a set of essential. So maybe it's 15 items and all 15 items you feel great in. 

[00:09:46] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Whether it's a pair of jeans or a shirt that you feel great in and you can make up five different outfits with that one shirt. Um, so it's a great plan. It's better than trying to keep up with all the trends. And it's a way that, you know, I'm going to feel confident in everything that I wear, and it keeps you out of that comparison loop. We don't need something else to compare ourselves to and to keep up on. So I will find somebody to teach us that and I look forward to it. 

[00:10:17] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: But the main reason that trying to dress up and keeping up with trends and spending a lot of time getting ready for just one particular event is that's outside in work versus inside out work. 

[00:10:32] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: You're trying to make changes to the outside, hoping it does something to the inside. And that doesn't work. Think about somebody who sets out to lose weight and they accomplish it. Do they feel better about themselves? Probably yes. Do they have new energy and feel more confident? Probably yes. 

[00:10:53] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: But they didn't lose weight by adjusting the scale. They didn't lose weight by all of the sudden starting to go to the gym. No. It was a mindset shift that kept leading them to the gym. That kept them away from sweets that then transformed their body. So they were gaining confidence and momentum along the way. But from the inside out. They had to practice and develop a new mindset, a new way of consistently choosing ultimate versus immediate. So they transformed the inside before the outside looked different. 

[00:11:33] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Same with insecurity. Dressing up and spending more time on your makeup might make you feel good in the moment in that's fine. But doing that and expecting to respond differently than you have in the past when you're faced with 5 or 10 other women that also just bought an outfit and got their hair and nails done and they spent time getting ready. This act of outside in work is going to be a hiccup for you. And it'll set you back. 

[00:12:01] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: And most of the time, I felt worse because then I started thinking, okay, well, even at my best, I feel bad. Even at my best, I can't overcome this. So that's a hiccup to be on the lookout for is trying to do work outside in. That will absolutely slow your progress to becoming more confident in taming your jealousy. 

[00:12:27] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Another hiccup I experienced is when I tried to quick fix. If you've been listening to past episodes, you know that I've talked about my attempts at quick fixes. And I bet that you've been in deep search or panic mode at times for a quick fix. You know, just tell me the answer. Tell me what to do and I'll do it. But I challenge you to ask yourself, have you really worked the steps? Did you finish the book? Are you really doing the exercises? Have you tried stepping away and doing some of the breathing techniques that you heard about to do when you feel triggered? And have you been doing them on a consistent basis? And most likely if you're being honest would say, no. I'm trying to quick fix. 

[00:13:17] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So, this quick fix approach is a major hiccup and it's going to make you feel like, well, I've tried everything and nothing works, or I sorta kind of tried this, or I tried this a few times and it didn't work. So. I'm always going to be broken. And you give up. This quick fix approach is going to be a hiccup for you if you let it. 

[00:13:40] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Because then you give up until you're back in that desperate mode again. Back in the desperate mode of needing reassurance, you're really in the throes of your jealousy and now you're scouring the internet again for another quick fix. 

[00:13:56] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Just know it takes time and consistency to have that confidence to overcome or tame your jealousy in your relationship. The quick fixes are going to set you back. Your healing progress will slow. If you're constantly looking for a quick fix. 

[00:14:15] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: The last kind of hiccup I'll share with you that I want you to be aware of is having a mastery mindset versus a practicing mindset. 

[00:14:27] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So this scenario is almost the opposite of the quick fix. This is where you think everything will work and you're going to be great at every technique. And you're going to knock it out of the park the very first time that you try. 

[00:14:42] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: This is that mindset of thinking, oh, it's all going to be perfect right out of the gate. I'm going to be perfect. 

[00:14:48] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: I did an episode just recently. It's episode number 17, about practicing versus mastering. If you haven't listened to that, go back episode 17, it's titled You Screwed Up Again, Now What? And I talk about the importance of practicing, not mastering. One of the reasons this practicing not mastering mindset is very important is because if you're like me, I was very critical and judgmental of my partner as well as, I mean, pretty much everybody else. I was totally judgmental of everybody. 

[00:15:26] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: But mostly of myself. Being overly critical does seem to be a common trend for most jealousy junkies. And therefore, when we don't get things right or things don't go as we anticipated or the way that we thought they should. This hiccup in your beautiful laid out plan. That will set you back. It feels like failure. 

[00:15:53] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So, this is why I think the approach of practicing not mastering is so important. You can't fail at practicing. When you consistently practice something, you're going to gain confidence. You're going to gain knowledge. And you can figure out what went wrong and at what point, to then practice it better the next time. 

[00:16:14] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So those are the three things that I believe can slow your progress to becoming more confident and taming your jealousy in your relationship. Number one, a make-up, number two a breakup, and number three, a hiccup. 

[00:16:27] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: And be on the lookout for those hiccups because they come in all forms. And just know that they're going to happen. And it shouldn't make you give up. You deserve to feel confident to overcome this extreme jealousy. And I know that you can do it. But if you need further support in tackling this, feel free to schedule a free 30 minute. 

[00:16:56] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.