Ashamed of Yourself EP 32

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: The information on this podcast or any platform associated with Top Self LLC. Or Jealousy Junkie Is for informational and entertainment purposes only, and is in no way intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. 

[00:01:08] Shanenn Bryant: Have you ever felt ashamed of where you grew up or how you grew up? 

[00:01:14] Shanenn Bryant: Ashamed and embarrassed maybe of the way you were raised? Is that partly why you don't feel worthy at times or grew up thinking you weren't worthy? Maybe you still feel that way. 

[00:01:28] Shanenn Bryant: I did for a very long time. But I don't anymore. In fact, I like to believe I have some special gifts because of it. I'm not saying that I'm glad it happened. I'm not really one of those people who say "I'm so thankful for what I went through because it made me who I am today." I may say I'm thankful for a couple of things or lessons I learned, or as I said, maybe some special gifts that I have. Or. I choose to look on the bright side and use my gifts that I developed because of it. 

[00:02:05] Shanenn Bryant: But no. I wish my father hadn't been an alcoholic. I wish I grew up differently. And didn't feel anxious all the time as a kid and didn't have to move around so much and make new friends. No, I'm not thankful for all of that. It sucked!. Just being honest. 

[00:02:24] Shanenn Bryant: But what I'm not anymore is the ashamed of it. I don't feel like I'm less of a person or less worthy or can't measure up to other people because of it. Not anymore. And that's what I'll be rambling about today. 

[00:02:39] Shanenn Bryant: It was recently mother's day so I want to start off by saying happy Mother's Day to my mom. She is really such a special person. And I'm so amazed at how she got through everything she did. 

[00:02:51] Shanenn Bryant: Raising three kids basically on her own while she always had a full-time job and did really well at her job. And dealing with a husband who was an alcoholic at the same time. 

[00:03:06] Shanenn Bryant: And what's crazy is even though she was going through all of that and dealing with it. I knew from a young age that she still felt like she was failing, failing us. 

[00:03:19] Shanenn Bryant: And I could tell she was just as embarrassed about where we lived and how we lived as I was. I've mentioned before that we moved around a lot, but there was one place that really stood out for me. And when I think of my childhood, this place is mostly where all my memories come from. Partly because it was the worst time of my childhood and the best time all at once. And I know that seems weird and hard to explain, but I'm going to do my best. 

[00:03:52] Shanenn Bryant: It was the time between fourth and sixth grade and the place was a little town in Indiana. When you hear the words, small town girl, they grew up here. Cornfields for miles, one bank and one stoplight in the town, Frank and Mary's on the corner (and I'm just going to say, if you know, you know) And everyone knew everyone. 

[00:04:19] Shanenn Bryant: It was a time where a kid could be a kid and you could ride your bike with your friends all day and no one would worry about you. Your parents knew that you just show up before it got dark. What should have been, and on some levels seemed like the best time in my childhood was also the worst time. And what I would remember being embarrassed and ashamed of into my adulthood. 

[00:04:50] Shanenn Bryant: I carried that, that shame and that embarrassment all the way until I was an adult. Until maybe 10 years ago, maybe a little bit longer than that. 

[00:05:02] Shanenn Bryant: During this time, I was a cheerleader. I was in gymnastics and pretty dang good at it if I do say so myself. And I was also in pageants. You're either a lover or hater of the pageant thing. I get it, but I loved it. So, if you just look at the things that I had going on, it would seem like a great life for a 10 to 12 year old girl. 

[00:05:26] Shanenn Bryant: But all of it came with a shadow over it. Anxiety all the time. While I was having a great time doing those things, I also had the fear of what might happen in the back of my mind. Or worse, the embarrassment sometimes of what did happen. But there was always that cloud and that shadow hanging over it. 

[00:05:55] Shanenn Bryant: You may have felt like this too as a child if you grew up in dysfunction where even when you're trying to be a kid, there's that cloud and that anxiety that you feel all the time. 

[00:06:10] Shanenn Bryant: Living this way caused me to feel really embarrassed of where we lived, which by the way, was a modular home on a road with numbers like 350 South or something. Uh, to, to cornfields on both sides. Now I'm not embarrassed of being a small-town girl or living sort of the country life, but yeah, it was a modular home and that embarrassed me for whatever reason. It just did. 

[00:06:42] Shanenn Bryant: And I knew that my parents had fights all the time and I felt like my neighbors could hear and they were parents of friends that I went to school with that kind of knew how my dad was. And my brain at that time just started thinking that I wasn't worthy and that everybody else was better than me. 

[00:07:05] Shanenn Bryant: All my friends had regular houses. Ours was the only one that was called a modular home on the street that we lived on. And I didn't know anyone else whose family had the problems that we had. Looking back now as an adult, my guess is many more of them probably had similar issues. They were just good at hiding it too in ways that I would try to later hide it. So maybe they were just good at hiding it. I don't know. 

[00:07:36] Shanenn Bryant: But at the time it felt like my family was the only family that was like that. And that thought of being different than everybody else made me think that I'd never amount to anything. 

[00:07:50] Shanenn Bryant: And that I wasn't as good as them. And even though I had these wild dreams of the things that I wanted to be I pretty much resided to the fact that it would never happen. 

[00:08:05] Shanenn Bryant: I just knew I never have the smarts to do anything great. And that I might as well have the words like disfunction written on my forehead because that's how I lead my life. Like leading it with dysfunction, not talking about it, but just my actions and the way that I felt about myself and the way that I responded to people. 

[00:08:27] Shanenn Bryant: There are so many girls that I was intimidated by because I just assumed that they were so much better than me. And many boys that I didn't think I was good enough for. And that I let treat me like crap because I wasn't sure if I was right to think that they should treat me better or if I was just being too dramatic, like my past. 

[00:08:52] Shanenn Bryant: And I carried that thought that somehow my chaotic childhood was my fault. That it meant something about me. Like it made me something, it classified me as a certain "type" of person. 

[00:09:09] Shanenn Bryant: You may have experienced this too, or may still be struggling with being ashamed of who you think you are because of your childhood. It took a very long time for me to begin talking about some of the things that happened and the way I was raised. Because if I'm being honest, people do judge a bit. 

[00:09:33] Shanenn Bryant: Kids judge, you know, when you're younger, kids are judging you and they tease you and then adults judge you, and they put you in a box if they know certain things about you. So, I get it. Of course, you know, if you're trying to impress people at work or your partner that you want to date, you know, somebody that you're looking to date or find you attractive and think that you're great. Letting them in on some of your quirks or your family drama, your history, your past may be something that you don't feel like divulging. I get it. People can be nasty, and people can be mean and people can judge. 

[00:10:14] Shanenn Bryant: But here's the thing...

[00:10:17] Shanenn Bryant: your worth today has nothing to do with your past. I'm going to say it again. Your worth today has nothing to do with your past. How your parents raised you says nothing about who you are or more importantly, what you can become. You can be more than you ever imagined. Maybe you just don't have all the tools yet because you didn't get that when you were growing up. 

[00:10:47] Shanenn Bryant: But it doesn't mean that you can't learn them. It doesn't mean that you're not smart enough or skilled enough or whatever it is that you think you're lacking. Because you think you're just made that way, or you think you can't be any more. 

[00:11:01] Shanenn Bryant: It's hard to bring light to things that you worked so hard to hide from others when you were growing up or maybe even in your adult life things, you worked so hard to run from, you're now seeing show up in your relationship. 

[00:11:17] Shanenn Bryant: Release yourself from being responsible for the way you were raised. Stop worrying about what people will think. What that makes you because of the way you were raised. There's no reason to be embarrassed about it anymore. Not your fault, release yourself from the fear of what people will think if they knew what you endured. 

[00:11:46] Shanenn Bryant: I hope you'll consider letting all of that go. None of that was anything that you could control. It doesn't make you anything permanently negative. It was just the circumstance. But it may be affecting the way you're operating today by not fully being you, not living your true self. By not going after your dreams because of the fear that you're not enough. That is just circumstances, circumstances that you can change now that you're an adult and you can direct your life the way you want. 

[00:12:27] Shanenn Bryant: Start by letting all of the shame and embarrassment about how you were raised or where you came from or thinking that what happened to you was somehow your fault. Let it go today. 

[00:12:41] Shanenn Bryant: I just want to say that the more I started talking about my situation, the better I started to feel about it and the less shameful. And the less embarrassed. And I will tell you, you learn a lot about other people and being able to connect with others by sharing your story. It's one of the reasons that I wanted to do the podcast because, and I hope you follow suit with me. 

[00:13:08] Shanenn Bryant: Because if I talk about it, I cannot tell you how many people I have heard from maybe even you who have emailed me or sent me a message and said, “thank you so much for talking about this” and then you share a part of your story with me. And maybe that was your first step or first time, or really your first time as an adult getting some of that out of your head. And so that's a beautiful thing. So, the more that you can talk about it with people that you trust, I think the better.

[00:13:47] Shanenn Bryant: And it just gives somebody else permission to not feel embarrassed and ashamed because you typically hear about how someone else was raised. And, you know, we're all just trying to get through this and get to a point where we are doing our best to live our most authentic selves. And the best version that we can. 

[00:14:09] Shanenn Bryant: So, let that shame and embarrassment of how you are raised or where you grew up or how you grew up or the things that happen to you. Let that all go. And I'm not saying that you have to go around and constantly talk about what you went through as a child. But you can be open with it and release some of that. 

[00:14:33] Shanenn Bryant: Talk to some people that you trust. If you'd like for their help to work on some of the tools or have someone guide you through being your best you, schedule your free Clarity Call today and see how I can help. 

[00:14:48] Shanenn Bryant: Until next time, take care and remember. You're not alone.