Behind Your Cheating Mind EP 81

Well, hello and thanks for choosing the Top Self podcast to listen to. I know that you had other choices as you scrolled through all of the podcasts in your app. So, I'm happy that you picked Top Self. And I hope this episode is going to be worth your time. My name is Shanenn Bryant. 

I'm your host. And if you're new here, I help people just like you. feel like they're not alone in this jealousy. And to let you know that you're not crazy, you're not nuts. 

 You probably have some core wounds that you're carrying around. And some needs that you don't know how to meet yourself. And so, you're turning externally to your partner to try to meet those needs. So, if that sounds like you you're in the right place and I appreciate you for being here. The topic for today, it's a heavy one. And it might strike a nerve with you because I'm going to be talking about cheating. Not your partner cheating, but you cheating in your relationship. Whether this is something that you've done in your current relationship, whether it's something that you've done in past relationships, we're going to talk about it today. 

So don't get mad at me because I think you'll see that I'm calling you out and I'm talking about it from a place of love, because I want you to understand it a little bit. And I want you to understand perhaps why you did it or are doing it. So that you don't continue to damage your relationship or more importantly, hurt someone else. Because you're trying to protect yourself 

 most likely, it's why you've done it. I hear this a lot with my one-on-one clients and just having conversations in general with people about jealousy. I know that you may have in your past cheated on your partner.

And I want to say this up front, this isn't everybody. So, everybody who suffers from jealousy, it's not because they're doing the things that they're accusing their partner of doing that is not across the board. But it's often enough and I hear it often enough that it made me feel like I needed to do an episode about it. So,

I know that this cheating piece, a lot of times it comes from. as I mentioned, having, you know, coming from that wounded place of even maybe like, I'll get them before they get me. You're trying to protect yourself. And there's probably many different reasons that somebody may do this, but.

You might be thinking, well, if I do this, so if I go out and I cheat on my partner, Then, if they do something to me, if they cheat on me, then it's not going to hurt as bad. We know that that's never the case. You have now just compounded the problem, not put your energy in where you should solve it. You've just added to the problem because now just like we feel when we've had a jealous meltdown, or we've done something. Or said something hurtful to our partner, done something we're not proud of. 

Just that same guilt and shame that comes along with that. Of course, you're going to have that. If you go out and you cheat on your partner, there's going to be a ton of guilt and shame that comes along with that. And so now not only how were you feeling bad in the first place?

 Now you've amplified it because you've cheated on your partner, and you've added even more guilt and shame onto you. And

of course, you're going to feel bad about it. My guess is if you're listening to this podcast, I feel like I know you pretty well. You have a big heart. You're just not sure how to manage your emotions. You're not sure why you do some of the things that you do.

And it seems strange to think, oh gosh, this thing that I'm most worried of, the thing that I spend every single day in turmoil and anxiety about my partner. You know, I'm always worried that my partner's going to do that. Um, I'm checking on them like, it's my job. Why in the world would I go and cheat on them?

Because it's what I don't want them to do to me. And so of course, it's very likely that this is a production mechanism. It's a coping mechanism. To try to protect yourself in some way. So, if I go and I cheat on my partner and then something happens, you think, oh, It's not going to hurt us bad.

And we know No matter what. It's going to hurt being cheated on doesn't feel good. It's going to be painful.

It's not going to make it any easier.

 it actually makes it worse, even if that doesn't happen. So, you're maybe going out and doing it thinking, okay, I'm going to get them before they get me. Or this may make it hurt. Not as bad because I'll have this secret. I'll have this thing in the back of my mind where I know like, oh, okay, well, I cheated on you, so that's not going to hurt us bad.

And here's the, here's the thing. 

There's a very different, there's a, there's a big difference between pain and suffering. So, yes. If somebody cheats on you, that's painful, it's going to hurt. Nobody wants to be cheated on. Nobody wants to have to go through that experience.

It is painful. But what takes it over the edge into suffering? Is the stories that we tell about ourself that we make it mean. About ourselves. he cheated on me because I'm not good enough. She cheated on me because I'm bad.

I'm not liked.

So, when you start telling the stories, just like with anything else, when you start telling the stories about why that person cheated on you, that's what takes it over into suffering. Otherwise, it's a painful event. You grieve the. The. Relationship. you take the lessons from it, and you move on.

But if you are already feeling bad because you cheated on them. You're going to start telling stories about yourself no matter what about the reason that they cheated on you then you go into, oh, well that's payback. That happened to me because I'm such a horrible person that I did it to that person. 

That's why it happened to me.

And that just perpetuates your entire story, that you're probably already telling about yourself, those core wounds, those core beliefs of I'm not good enough, I'm bad, I'm disliked., I’m going to be betrayed, I'm going to be abandoned. Whatever those core beliefs that you are already telling yourself, you're just gonna reinforce those. I cheating on your partner. 

If they cheat on you, you're not going to go, oh, well, no big deal because I already did it to you. No, you're going to go. Oh, I deserved that. That was karma. That's what I got because I'm such a bad person.

 Cheating is never good. And it's never the answer on either side, but the, also the one part that I really want to point out. Is hopefully you can see that it's never about the other person. It's always about the person who was cheating. So if I go out and I cheat in my relationship, that is about me. And it's on me. And I fully a hundred percent believe that and where I think you give yourself permission to cheat is by saying, well, I'm not getting what I need in my marriage. 

I'm not getting what I need in my relationship. You know, my partner, wasn't giving me the love and affection that they did before, or that I feel like I deserve. If you're feeling like that most likely again, that's probably coming from those core wounds. And potentially your attachment style. That you already have in terms of expectations for a relationship. So some of an I'll just go from when I was fearful avoidant, my expectation was that absolutely. 

You know, That person should put me first at all times I should be the most important thing, no matter what else they have going on. And they should think just like me, and if they really cared about me, they do this. If they really loved me, they do that. So a lot of times it's really coming from the expectations that we have in the relationship that, that we might be being viewed, or, or we might be coming up with those expectations from our jealous filter, from that hurt filter.

Now, I'm not saying that 

I mean, perhaps you are with a partner that needs to step up in some of those areas. It could be that too, Maybe you do have some needs that are being unmet. Sure. But have you communicated those needs more importantly, have you communicated those needs in a healthy way? And I'll say most of the time, if you're struggling with jealousy and insecurity, And it's something that's really been running your life on a daily basis. My guess is, you don't even know what your needs are. You have an idea and you're going to say, yeah, it's for love and connection. 

Yes. That's a, that's a basic human need, love and connection. We all have that. And so you might say, I need you to give me attention. I need this. I need affection. I need you to put me first. I need you to spend more time with me. If you loved me again, you do this. If you loved me, you plan romantic dinners and do romantic things.

Certainly we all have that need for love and connection, but are you relying solely on your partner to achieve that for you to give you that love and affection? And if you are, then yes, most likely anyone is going to fall short.

 It may not matter your current partner, what they are, are not doing, because it could be that your next partner falls short too, because they're your only source of getting that We have to be able to self source. And find other ways through family and friends. And other avenues to get that love and affection that you're needing, that you're desperately wanting. 

We have to be able to get that in other areas, not just from our partner. And I want to make it really clear. It isn't that your partner can't ever pour into your love and connection bucket, but they shouldn't be the only ones our sole source should not just be coming from them. So are you, do you know your own needs? Do you know how to communicate those needs in a healthy way? My guess is the cheating is an expression of. Uh, it's an unhealthy strategy to get the need met.

I very much remember this when I was feeling jealous that. There were a lot of times where I couldn't even explain it. Like I couldn't a hundred percent explain What I was feeling. I couldn't say what would make me feel better in that moment. I couldn't articulate

why I was so upset and how I like, why I was thinking the way that I'm thinking. And that very much falls in line with we, we probably really don't know our needs either. 

So if we're banking on our partner to be the only one that fills that bucket

that that makes you feel like you're a worthy person that makes you feel loved and connected.

Sometimes that's when you may step outside the relationship because, oh, I just need that love and connection. It feels good when somebody pays me attention, it feels good when somebody flirts with me or when there's that spark. But that's just short term. And it's for the wrong reasons. Because no one, no single one person is going to be able to fill you up all the time in that way. You can either cheat and ruin the relationship because they either find out or you feel so guilty and you end the relationship because of it or you project that then onto your partner that creates more jealousy, that then in your relationship. You're just going to move on to the next one and guess what? That feels really good in the beginning because now we're getting all that love and affection. And that's the thing that you really crave

 and that feels really good because in the beginning we're getting all of that love and affection and the thing that we really crave and then guess what they can't sustain it either because a partner can't sustain that over the long term in that way of being the only source, Because we're going to go keep going to them for reassurance and that's going to cause issues in the relationship. You know, we talk a lot about the honeymoon period is over. 

And now that this person has me, you know, they're not doing all the same things that they used to do. And yes, I think as humans, it's true. We do tend to get a little bit more lazy in longer-term relationships. But again, if you can source that for yourself and spread it out, Through family, friends, other ways, just depending on what that need is for you and really take that responsibility on yourself. 

You're going to see that, um, You know, you're not so desperate for that partner to fill that need.

And you will find healthy ways to do that because a lot of times, not just cheating, but sometimes. We may start argument. I remember doing this a lot. If everything seemed to be going okay, I would start thinking, oh my gosh, you know, when's the other shoe gonna fall? 

When's this going to go bad. There's not these ups and downs that I'm so used to. There's no chaos. And as we know our brains want to keep everything the same, like just nothing should change. And because of that, my normal, even though I didn't like it, my normal was chaos.

So even though I hate chaos. I would then create some, so I would strike up an argument. I would start an argument with my partner because at least that got me connection, not in a healthy way. But I got my need for connection met. And I think that's what also at times happens with cheating, because then there's the side of the attention that you're actually getting from the person that you're cheating with.

But then we project that often onto our partner. 

Again. Not everybody who is jealous, many, most people who are jealous in their relationship. It's not because they're doing something it's not because they're projecting their own cheating onto the partner. It's probably most likely they're projecting. Uh, previous partners cheating onto their current partner, but there are some, and so if you're cheating, you're probably then projecting that onto your current partner. It may happen, like even with flirting where maybe you're a little too flirty with Joe and accounting. 

And so then you think, oh, well, my partner might be too flirty too with the checkout girl, or maybe they're too flirty with somebody in their office. So again, you might be projecting things onto your partner. So just really think about the reasons that you may be cheating in your relationship or have cheated in the past. 

It's just like that shame and that guilt and the embarrassment that we feel after we've had a meltdown, you're going to feel most likely the same way if you cheat. 

So you're not really solving a problem. And I want to talk about the guilt and shame. I've said this before. I love this Brene Brown talks about this, that you can have guilt. And actually, guilt's okay. Because that's how we know as adults that we've done something wrong. But shame is not something that you should have or hold on to. 

So, if you've done this, if you've cheated in the past or on your current partner, I invite you to let that go. Not because it's okay but let the shame go that you might've felt.

I know it's not something that you want to do again, use that energy instead of feeling shameful about it. Use that energy. To take a look at how you can finally Tackle this jealousy thing once and for all.

You know, what are the core wounds that you have that are creating these thoughts and emotions? That are then eventually leading to this behavior cheating what's behind that. Use the energy to figure that out what's driving you to cheat in your relationship or to over flirt

when you feel like

you're not getting what you want from your partner and you're not getting your needs met.

 Time to let that go and to say, you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. I can feel guilty about it because I've done something wrong. But I don't need to feel shameful. I just need to do something about it. I don't want to keep going on cheating in relationship after relationship

or having this jealousy thing in general anyway. I do not condone cheating in any relationship. That is never going to fix the situation. It's hurtful to you and hurtful to the other person, even if they never find out about it. It's just not what we should be doing. To another human being. And I know that. You don't want that done to you?

 So instead of having these negative coping mechanisms that you're currently doing, I invite you to sign up for the next Trust-Building Bootcamp, the bootcamp is amazing. It really gets you to understand yourself. What's driving your behaviors, not just for someone who's cheating, but what's driving your jealousy behaviors. Cause that's all coming from your subconscious. It's been scientifically proven that 95 to 97% of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors come from your subconscious and unconscious mind. So, we're walking around on autopilot. 

You're just out there cheating and flirting and doing things that you don't want to do. That then you feel shame and guilt for because you have these programs that are buried in your subconscious, that are driving you to have those emotions that are causing the behaviors. And so, in the bootcamp we go through that. Let's figure out what's driving these things, figure out what your own personality needs are and how you can meet those needs through other sources in, in healthy ways with your partner.

We do all of that inside the bootcamp. Our next program starts August 7th. You need to sign up ASAP though, because you may wait until the last minute and I keep them small and they fill up. Even though it's a little bit away. You need to sign up early to make sure that you have your spot. 

So, if you're interested in signing up for the bootcamp, go to www.topself.com/bootcamp or in the show notes, you can just scroll down and click the link there to get registered. Hopefully, you're not mad at me for calling you out for your cheating ways, but it's just not something that we should keep doing. 

And I know that you're feeling guilty and feeling some shame around it. So, let's just take care of it. I know you don't want to hurt other people. You don't want to have it done to you. And so, it goes back to the old saying, doing do unto others, as you would have them do to you. So, if we clean up those thoughts, those negative thoughts that you have about yourself. Understand and learn what your specific personality needs are and figure out how to get those met. You're going to feel much better. 

It's going to improve your relationship.

And you won't feel this constant anxiety and reconfirm or reaffirm

those core beliefs you already have about yourself. So, thank you so much for taking me along today. And even though if you're someone who has cheated in your relationship, just know. That there's forgiveness for you. 

There's forgiveness for you within you as well. And we just need to move on from the shame. And put your energy into resolving this jealousy thing once and for all 

Okay. That's it for today and until next time, take care and remember you're not alone.