Celebrating Fifty Episodes (Special Edition) EP 50

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: I am so pumped. This is such a special month for me. The month of October is special to me for so many reasons. One, this is my birthday month so, happy birthday to me and anyone else celebrating a birthday in October, happy birthday to you. This is also the 50th episode of the podcast. I can't believe, I mean, congratulations on 50 episodes. You have been showing up week after week and doing the work and you're 50 episodes in, I can't believe it. 

[00:00:38] I can remember several Christmases ago, my husband got me a microphone and a book that was called Podcasting Made Simple, a step by step guide on how to start a successful podcast from the ground up.

[00:00:51] We don't really get each other Christmas gifts. We'll usually decide on something that we want together, like a bigger gift that we want together, and then we'll just go by that. But sometimes we do get each other small gifts and that year, those were mine; the microphone and the podcasting And it was a really small book.

[00:01:12] I'm a super fast reader. I put into practice Tim Ferriss' tricks for how to read faster. So I was already a pretty fast reader and then I practiced his tips and it shaves off about half the time it takes me to read a book. So I read that book in that weekend. I mean, it was less than a weekend.

[00:01:33] I had been talking about starting a podcast for a bit, and I just thought it was the sweetest thing that he got me the microphone and the book, and I felt like it was his way of supporting my dreams. Then, of course, my negative Nellie brain came in, you know how we do, and it was like, wait a second, is that his way of shutting me up about it, or his way of saying, like, do it already and stop talking about it?

[00:02:02] Or was that him thinking that I wouldn't do it? Like, Oh, she'll never do it? So which of those do you think was the catalyst for me getting this thing going? The thought of his kind gesture cheering me on, or the thought of him challenging me that I'd never do it? Well, it was actually both.

[00:02:23] I did feel a sense of permission from him. Not that I needed his permission, but permission as in, go ahead and go for what you want. Like, take that step. And, a little bit on my end of... Oh, just watch me. You know, I wanted to prove him wrong. 

[00:02:44] Either way, it was the start of me podcasting. And so I'm so happy that I did. And you have been such a continuation of support, giving me the drive to keep sharing and keep serving for 50 episodes. Crazy! But it is hard work and it takes a lot of time, energy, and quite frankly, because there are still times that I get nervous to talk about my experience.

[00:03:15] Or sometimes there might be a hard topic that I feel plays a role in getting better or, you know, having more clarity. Or if I share this hard topic, it needs to be talked about maybe it'll resonate with somebody and they won't feel so alone if I share it. And so that forces me to keep stepping outside of my comfort zone and to keep sharing.

[00:03:41] But I will say, the more I talk about it, the easier it gets. And I want that for you too. So because of all this hard work and dedication and really exhaustion at times, I wanted to take this special 50th episode to share a little bit more about me and some pretty special people in my life. 

[00:04:10] You hear me talk about my dad often because, well, unfortunately, he was the source of a lot of my pain throughout my life because of his alcoholism. I remember the first time seeing him again, after decades of not seeing him, I met him with my husband in a restaurant and I thought I was going to get sick on the way there.

[00:04:32] Like, I was so upset at my stomach, I literally thought I was going to get sick. And then seeing him for the first time, like, sitting across from this older, skinny, frail man in his 70s was so strange. It was so awkward. and I remember after, my husband saying, It's hard to imagine him as you described. Like, I can't picture him being big and scary and mean. That day was such a growth day for me in the sense that it hit me.

[00:05:10] I don't have to be scared anymore. I don't have to be on edge all the time. And that helped me go back and think, what am I carrying around that I can get rid of? Like, what else am I carrying around? How is this, this way of always being worried and having this deep sense of being on edge all the time, how is that affecting my life right now?

[00:05:41] What are the things that I'm doing because I have that anxiety, because I carry that around? And one of the things that I realized was the control piece. That need to control everything. always worrying about what might happen, what could happen. that control of needing to know details so I can plan for what might happen or what could happen.

[00:06:08] As a kid, I was always worried, always wondering what was going to happen tonight, tomorrow, this weekend. And feeling like I was constantly looking for signs or clues or things that might set my dad off. Like, not doing my chores. Or, more like, my brother, my older brother, not doing his chores so I would do them for him.

[00:06:30] I never wanted to be the bad kid or do anything wrong so that I wouldn't upset my dad. I didn't ever want to set him off. So that day when I finally met him after decades, I understood that I didn't have to stay worried anymore. 

[00:06:52] I was able to figure out like I don't have to be worried about my dad coming home drunk, but I worry about my partner. I worry about them leaving. I worry about them cheating. I worry about not being successful. I worry about paying my bills. I worry about You know, is somebody going to get hurt?

[00:07:09] I worry about, is somebody going to die? I mean, all of those things, I translated, I took this constant worry about what was going on with my dad and what was going to happen. And, you know, if I was going to set him off to then all the other things that I continued to worry about as I got older.

[00:07:28] So once that clicked for me, even then, it's not like. It just changed overnight and I stopped being a worrywart. I didn't just all of a sudden stop wanting to know all the details of everything and stop worrying about every scenario, but it did kick off the journey and the practicing and the reminding that I don't have to constantly worry about when the other shoe is going to fall.

[00:07:58] I don't have to do that anymore. 

[00:08:00] A real life case where practicing that and getting through and figuring out like, hey, I don't have to worry about all the details. So stop asking about all the details. Now, in my relationship today, when my husband mentions that he has a job at, you know, an apartment community next to the pool or he had a conversation with a female or female at work, 

[00:08:25] I'm not triggered anymore to ask those questions. I don't want to be bothered and feel sick at my stomach and have that sick feeling of worry. I don't want to waste my worth on worry,

[00:08:41] Not as a I'm turning a blind eye, but for myself. I don't want that for myself. I don't want that feeling anymore and life is going to be what it's going to be. I don't have to constantly think, Oh, well, this thing happened. What has that going to blow up? If that's the situation, what do I need to worry about?

[00:09:08] I realized I don't have to do that anymore. That is not something that I have to continue to carry. This is why I did. I don't need it anymore. And after practice and after constantly reminding myself of that, that's where I am today. And I love it. I absolutely love it. It feels so freeing and so good. 

[00:09:33] So from that day of sitting across from my dad after decades, we started trying to build a relationship. It was really rocky at first. I still wanted an apology from him, and he still was not gonna give it to me.

[00:09:50] He slowed down his drinking, it wasn't from wisdom that he gained but from the years he gained. So at over 70 years old, everything slows down. But he still was very much an alcoholic who didn't want to face the pain that he caused.

[00:10:08] So we continued to build a beautiful relationship slowly over the next three years. And I realized his reluctancy to talk about my childhood and my pain and giving me that apology wasn't because he didn't want to apologize or take responsibility. It was because... He was in pain over it.

[00:10:32] He knew what he did and the guilt was too much to bear for him. So it was easier to not discuss it. Once that clicked for me and I realized what it was, I stopped being mad at him. and it changed the dynamic of our relationship.

[00:10:56] And we'd have a beautiful relationship for the next couple years. He was so excited on Father's Day when all three of his kids took him to breakfast. That hadn't ever happened before. My older brother was still in communication with him throughout the years. Me and my little brother, not so much. My little brother had more, um, interaction with him throughout the years.

[00:11:25] It had never been that we all three were together with him for Father's Day, and he absolutely loved it.

[00:11:37] His birthday is September 16th. He died September 13th last year. Just three days before his 74th birthday.

[00:11:49] The beautiful relationship that we were building was cut short. I was devastated. But I also found comfort in the fact that he knew I was no longer mad at him. I didn't hold a grudge towards him. He knew I grew to love him. And for the first time in my life, I knew my dad loved me.

[00:12:15] The one year anniversary of his death was just last month, and knowing that, that he knew I was no longer mad at him, that gets me through the loss.

[00:12:26] So, this podcast, in part, would not exist without him. It also would not exist without someone else, very important in my life, and that's my mom. I don't talk too much about my mom on this podcast, but this month is also special because October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

[00:12:49] Unfortunately, I have a long family line of women all on my mom's side who have had breast cancer. My great grandma, my grandma, and my mom. All had breast cancer. They all beat it and my mom is now more than 10 years breast cancer free. My mom is so sweet and so loving and I owe everything to her.

[00:13:14] My drive for success comes from her. My soft heart comes from her. My need to help other people all comes from her. I watched my mom go through hell with my dad. I watched as he held a gun to her head in the front yard. I watched as she would sit alone at nights. I would sneak into her bed late at night when I realized that she couldn't sleep either because we were both up waiting to see if my dad was gonna come home drunk or not come home at all.

[00:13:47] My mom's stress level and, and the stress in my house was electric. Like, always. She was worried what was going to happen when he hadn't come home, and then would worry about what he would do if he did come home.

[00:14:03] Even with all of that happening and the constant chaos in her life, she did her very best to look after three kids, and went to work every day. And was damn good at what she did. I was probably 10 or so when she took me to work with her one day. And I remember playing in her office and just watching her work and her interact with her coworkers.

[00:14:29] And I was just so enamored of her. She seemed so smart and fun loving and talented and so good at her job. And I just couldn't wait to grow up and be just like her. She is so beautiful. And the word beauty followed my mom around my whole life. I've always heard that about my mom, how beautiful she is and how.

[00:14:57] She doesn't look at all her age as far back as I can remember to today even in her 70s She still gets her hair done and her nails done and she tools around town in that bright green Misbehaving Jeep. She flies off with her friends and my stepdad on vacation all the time and I love every single bit of it for her.

[00:15:20] She deserves to have everything in life she wants because she hasn't had it easy.

[00:15:27] So while I may have made amends with my dad, and he's the root of what I talk about today, I would never have been courageous enough, confident enough, vulnerable enough, tough enough o r have a big enough heart if it were not for my mom. 

[00:15:46] Thank you, mom, for making me who I am today. 

[00:15:50] And thank you for 50 episodes of this podcast. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please let me know how and if I can continue to support you,

[00:16:04] and I hope to share another 50 episodes with you. Until next time, take care, and remember, you're not alone.