Do You Still Love Me EP 80

[00:00:00] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: Welcome to the Top Self Podcast. In case you're new here, my name is Shanenn Bryant. and today it's just going to be a quick dump episode. I wanted to talk about a few key takeaways from the previous interview. If you haven't yet listened to it, 

It's with Topaz Adizes And he really brought up some incredible points when it comes to asking questions. 

[00:00:27] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: Specifically for this podcast, I'm going to be talking about questions that we ask our partner. That is definitely one of the things that we get into these insecure habits of doing and it's because we're trying to either connect dots, so if our partner said they were going to a particular place or they were with particular people. I know I used to ask a lot because I wanted to see if there was anything that I needed to worry about. So we question our partner a lot in terms of trying to connect dots and trying to be

[00:01:02] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: an investigator of sorts, but then also the second side of that I think is questioning for reassurance. Because when our core wounds are showing up in situations we haven't been taught, most of us suffering from this, it's because we haven't been taught how to self source and how to get our own needs met.

[00:01:30] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: So we look outside of ourselves to get those needs met. And often it's, I might have this need for love and connection. I might have this need or this core wound that I am unloved or I'm going to be betrayed or abandoned. So questioning our partner is a way to get that assurance.

[00:01:53] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: And I talk about a lot of this really unhealthy habit of doing that and it being similar to an addiction because it's like, oh, I have this this thought that happens, which then creates these big emotions in me. it's hitting on core wounds of yours.

[00:02:12] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: And when we start telling stories, we start going into suffering and it feels big. And so we want that pain, that suffering to stop. we have this urge to you know, either one, like, uh, get this feeling out of me.

[00:02:33] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: I don't like it. I don't like feeling this way. And so how can I make this stop the fastest way possible? And then we go to those coping mechanisms, those coping very quick strategies that we've developed. And so what's a quick strategy to make this go away? I'm going to ask my partner, and I'm going to get reassurance from them.

[00:02:55] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: So questioning often gets used as a strategy. And there was something that he said in the episode that really struck me, and that he was talking about asking questions that are built to protect you. Like from our Instead of from our heart, and I think that's really important because when you're in that negative cycle, that negative behavior of asking those questions to get reassurance, it is only

[00:03:29] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: to protect yourself, to make that feeling go away, to feel better. That question isn't connecting the two of you at all. And I would even ask you to question your question. It's like, what's your question? Well, what is it that you're really trying to get out of that question?

[00:03:50] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: in particular, what we often ask is, do you still love me? One of the things that Topaz said in the episode was, of course, if you start a question with "Do", then the answer can just be yes, no. Yes, I love you. No, I don't love you. So we already know, do you still love me or do you love me is not a good question to ask. You're not going to get anywhere. It's not going to do anything. For one, we already know, chances are 99. 9 percent of the time if they ask their partner, do you still love me? Or do you love me? The answer is going to be yes.

[00:04:29] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: Yes, I still love you.

[00:04:31] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: They're most likely not gonna say no and you already know that. So that's what makes me want to say question your question because what is it that you really are after by asking that question? What is it that you really want to know? Because you know, they're gonna say yes. That's the other piece of it too.

[00:04:53] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: If they say no, well that obviously would be a negative thing but them saying yes, that's still really doesn't, give you a permanent fix. you keep asking the question. We keep going back to that question. So, we might ask it, they say yes, and then 

[00:05:13] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: It might be a week later, or a month later, or two months later, and we ask it again.

[00:05:19] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: And again, they say yes. So, then it's either we're not believing them or what I think is that's not really your question. And we could all be asking for different reasons. So, I would just wonder, well, what is it that I really want to know? Because either way, if you're trying to gain some traction, maybe It's a different question that you need to be asking.

[00:05:49] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: Or maybe you thinking about, well, wait a second, what am I trying to get answered by asking this question? Will then led you to understand and to know that. That reassurance isn't where you need to spend your energy 

[00:06:06] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: So, for me if I ask that question I might be trying to, to determine or to figure out if I feel like there's any threat of you leaving in the future. And then if I think, okay, the, the question I'm really trying to figure out if there's threat if they're leaving in the future of me being abandoned, then I know, okay, well that's, that's really probably hitting on my core wound of abandonment.

[00:06:40] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: I'm worried about being abandoned or I'm worried about being betrayed. how then can I go and put my energy into repairing that core wound versus continuing to ask my partner a question that one, I already know how they're going to answer. Two, I'm not really going to believe them. And three, it's not going to change anything for me or for them long term. It's not adding any value to the relationship. So, I thought that was really amazing in terms of saying, Hey, are you asking questions to protect your own self? Like, is the question just for you? Then you might want to consider if you should be asking that question, or is there A better question to ask, which then leads to the second one of asking questions that bring the two of you closer together.

[00:07:37] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: And I really loved this part because how we ask our questions and even how we argue in relationships. If we're arguing to win or arguing to prove our point, then we're probably not going to get anywhere. I think it's really hard, especially for someone who is struggling with jealousy 

[00:08:01] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: because we're feeling somewhat on the other side of our partner if we're feeling jealous because we're in that detective mode. We are in a space where we may not be feeling as connected to them as we want to. So going into conversations

[00:08:22] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: I think that's so important to remember, even through the jealousy. and the questioning, asking yourself, is this question, is this conversation going to bring us closer together? I think this is especially true for someone who is just now getting to the point where they're starting to understand their jealousy a little bit.

[00:08:49] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: They're starting to understand where it's coming from. They're really getting some awareness of oh, this is a me problem. Most likely has nothing to do with my partner

[00:09:00] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: I think this is a good time to bring in this idea of asking questions and having conversations that are going to bring the two of you closer together Because most likely you've been having conversations with them putting them on the defense and more separating the two of you. So probably have been blaming them for certain things.

[00:09:21] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: I wouldn't feel this way if you showed me more affection. I wouldn't get jealous if you didn't look at other women. So, you may have been spending time in the blaming and protecting and really separating yourself from your partner when now, okay, I have some self-awareness, I'm starting to understand this, I'm really realizing the things that I'm 

[00:09:47] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: contributing to the relationship when it comes to my jealousy. So now, okay, well, how can I have the conversations so that it brings the two of us closer together? And I see this a lot of times when we first decide to maybe tell our partner about our jealousy for the first time and explain to them what's really going on.

[00:10:10] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: We may still be coming at that initial conversation or initial few conversations from the lens of, well, I'm telling you this, yes, so that you understand, but we might have the idea of like, so that you don't get so upset about it, so that it not makes it okay, but so that you have some more understanding and empathy in it, which is understandable and hopefully it brings a little bit of empathy to your partner.

[00:10:46] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: However, the expectation should not be so that it changes necessarily their reaction or that it just kind of makes it okay. just because they understand, it's the same thing with you when you're trying to fix your jealousy. Great, now you have awareness. You know it's a you problem. that doesn't solve for it though.

[00:11:09] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: That doesn't resolve it; just being aware. You actually have to go and do the work and you have to make changes and you have to make choices that will make those changes. So just because we've explained it to them, there should not be the expectation that that's going to make things different the next time you have a jealous moment.

[00:11:36] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: They can understand it and have empathy and still not accept it. And that's okay. So, if you are preparing to have your first conversations with your partner or maybe you have explained it to them in the past, but you're trying to consider a different way to have the conversation with them.

[00:11:57] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: I think the biggest question is, how can I have this conversation so that it brings us closer together, or how can I ask this question to bring us closer together?

[00:12:10] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: 

[00:12:11] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: So, going back to asking the question to protect yourself, or is this a question that's going to bring the two of you closer? I think we have to look at like some of the basic human needs. So, we have love and connection, growth, significance, contribution, certainty, and uncertainty. So yes, believe it or not, uncertainty is a, uh, need that we have as human beings

[00:12:39] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: there's a need that you have that. You're trying to get met by asking that question. And so, I think that's a good place to start. Like, am I asking this question because I want some certainty in my life?

[00:12:55] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: Am I asking it because I want love and connection? Am I asking it because I feel like we're not growing together as a couple, and I need that in my life? I need maybe some uncertainty, believe it or not. Just because you have this jealousy and you tend to control situations and relationships, it doesn't mean that you lose that, that basic need for uncertainty, you know, to experience new things or to have stimulation in different areas.

[00:13:28] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: Maybe you're missing that a little bit with your partner and maybe you see them doing things. with their friends or doing things with their family or doing things, you know, outside of you. And that's something that you want to pull in. So just really think about that.

[00:13:44] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: Which of those needs are maybe not being met? And, and you can approach your question from that point of view. so maybe it's, if I have this need for love and connection and I don't feel like I'm getting it with my partner, asking the question, do you still love me? Is not going to bring you closer to love and connection.

[00:14:08] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: So how can you pose the question that's going to bring the two of you together? And I think it's similar to in business as well. Like if you're going to bring an issue, also bring a solution. So, well, what is your solution for it? So that that person doesn't have to come up with it or they're like, okay, I don't know what to do with that.

[00:14:28] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: I don't know how to make that better.

[00:14:30] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: Well, how do you feel like. you would feel more connected to your partner? How would you specifically feel more love and connection? And so, is it something that you can do? Is it something that you have the expectation for them to do? Is it something that you do as a couple? Just really think about those things before you go into those conversations or questions.

[00:14:55] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: So, I just wanted to do my quick takeaways. I think those were two big points that he made

[00:15:02] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: of, asking questions simply to protect yourself versus bringing the two of you together as a couple. And then also like what is it that you're really wanting out of that question? Is it an unmet need that you have?

[00:15:18] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: What is the real question? What are you really wanting to know? 

 Speaking of the question, do you still love me? I want to know if you’re still loving this podcast. If you are still in love, I would so much appreciate. If you go give Top Self podcast a five-star rating and leave a review. That helps the podcast get out to other people who are also struggling with jealousy. 

So help your fellow jealous friend and. give a five star rating and a review. I would so much appreciate it. And then I won't have to ask you either if you still love me.

[00:15:55] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: All right, that's it. I told you it was going to be a quick one. 

[00:15:59] shanenn-bryant_1_06-24-2024_093305: Thank you so much for listening. Take care and remember, you're not alone.