Get Rid Of This Survival Skill EP 103

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: Welcome!  So glad to have you back. If you've been hanging out with me for a while, thank you for hitting play yet again this week. And if you're new here, my name is Shanenn Bryant. I am a certified integrated attachment theory coach and pattern transformation expert. and today I am talking about hypervigilance.

[00:01:22] When I was 12, my parents finally divorced. If you've been following, you've heard some of my story. My father was an alcoholic and at times he'd get very violent with my mom and my older brother would step in to protect her. And then really a lot of that violence turned to him. And when I was 12, It really came to a head and I'm not going to share the story, the full story on this episode and tell the story how I normally would because, it could be potentially pretty triggering for somebody listening to this podcast.

[00:02:07] but I do Talk about it in an earlier episode.

[00:02:12] so if you're interested, go back and listen to some of the very beginning episodes. But again, I'm just going to put that warning out there that it could be triggering if you grew up in that type of environment as well. But just a quick overview, the night that my parents got divorced, or at least the event that led to the divorce.

[00:02:33] Shanenn Bryant: My dad was chasing my mom out of our house with a gun and holding a gun up to her. And thankfully the neighbor who was very used to the chaos at my house and my dad's ways, he happened to be out in his garage, and he heard all of the commotion and he was able to coax my dad to go have a drink with him and, lured him away from. who knows what, what would have happened that night, but I always say, that was the one and only time that I was happy my dad chose alcohol over his family. that was the last straw to say the least. And my parents got divorced, but through that time of being a kid and laying in bed, listening intently for sounds or signs or listening for footsteps, is my dad coming home?

[00:03:36] Cause sometimes we just never knew. Sometimes he would come home and sometimes he wouldn't come home at all. But I would listen. For him to come home, or in particular, when he got home, I was very attuned to what I could hear, the movements and, was he waking my mom up? Was he talking? What type of tone was he talking in?

[00:04:01] Was he loud when he came in? Because that was an indication that he was pretty drunk. or was he trying to be quiet? And so, I got really used to. listening intently and analyzing sounds and movements and being able to read micro expressions on people and mood shifts because my dad could. as you know, when someone's drinking and you have probably done this yourself, even with the jealousy, it's like having a good time.

[00:04:32] And then there's maybe one sip too much, one situation too much or triggers the instant change in you and certainly, what's happening with my dad. And so that, you know, always being really aware of. Even the smallest of mood shifts. And this really became a survival skill for me because it was, this was, I needed to hear these things.

[00:05:04] I needed to pay attention to these things. I needed to know for my own safety to prepare in a way of what potentially was going to happen. And. You may have, for whatever reason, developed this same hypervigilant survival skill as well when you were a child. the unfortunate part is then we take it into our adult relationships.

[00:05:34] And there's studies that show that children of alcoholics develop heightened threat detection systems. There is a fantastic book by Dr. Bessel van der Koff. I think that's how you say it, called The Body Keeps the Score.  If you haven't bought this book, please go do it. It's one of the most amazing books that I've read along my journey. And there is a link in the show notes to go purchase that book. it's amazing. I highly recommend you do it. But in that book, he talks about this heightened, threat detection system. And, you know, 70 percent of children from alcoholic homes develop hyper vigilant traits that then persist into our adulthood.

[00:06:21] And it's that amygdala, you know, it's one of my favorite things, the amygdala and the cortex. I love talking about them because they play such an important role in this. But that, that amygdala then of yours becomes overactive, and it creates this constant state of alertness. The problem with that, because I know, here's what's strange.

[00:06:44] And I catch myself sometimes still trying to make my, you know, how, how hypervigilant I was into a positive thing. And sometimes I can still recognize it, like if I'm doing it, but it really isn't something that you want in many, many, many ways, especially if you're someone that's trying to overcome your jealousies, overcome your insecurities, feeling like you're still navigating through some childhood trauma experiences.

[00:07:23] What we really want to get to is relaxing our bodies, getting our bodies to, you know, getting that amygdala to not be so overactive and getting our bodies to calm down. Because when we are hypervigilant and we're kind of, you know, we're letting that go and let and not being intentional about monitoring it, it can give us some false belief that hypervigilance is true; it’s intuition.

[00:07:55] We get that wrong a lot when we're first starting out in this journey. Like, oh, well, this, this feeling feels so strong. I'm a hundred percent certain. I saw what I saw and oh, I noticed these things. My intuition. must be amazing. I can always sense this. And what's really interesting about that is we do tend to think we're so much better other people than other people at reading people, at knowing more about a situation and how people are feeling.

[00:08:31] And sometimes, yes, that's true, but a lot of times that can be off. Our intuition can be off because of our experiences, because of the lens that we're looking at things through. And most often we're misinterpreting the neutral situations. As threats, we're taking things that aren't really an issue or aren't really a threat to our relationship or our safety or our well-being and we're interpreting them as threats because that thermometer on your hypervigilance, you know, your, your security system, so to speak, is turned up so stinking high, it's always on alert.

[00:09:15] And you know that when we're looking for something, we find it. there was a study from the Journal of Traumatic Stress, I think in 2019, that said people with childhood trauma are three times more likely to experience relationship hypervigilance. Meaning then of course, we're taking that into our relationship.

[00:09:36] you know, our body's stress response system, it gets programmed in childhood. So, in the case, of course, like my experience, my stress response was programmed. And almost like this, um, we get this, um, Again, this kind of sixth sense that we, sixth sense, it's so hard for me to say, sixth sense that we believe we have for danger, but most often that's, it's unfounded.

[00:10:07] It's not, it isn't an actual threat for us. And then we're just in this constant state of arousal. And a lot of times you'll know that because You always feel anxious. You've got stomach issues. You feel like your heart is always racing. I remember thinking I had a heart problem forever. I thought, oh my gosh, I have something wrong with my heart.

[00:10:33] I'm going to be one of these people that has a heart attack at the age of 30, because I was so freaking stressed out all the time that I did feel like I had. a heart problem. I had heart palpitations. My heart was always racing fast. a lot of this just comes from being really wound up and your body thinking that you're in survival mode all the time, your body then reacts before your conscious mind can figure out what's going on.

[00:11:09] And so even when we're safe, a lot of times our body responds as if there's danger present because we're so jacked up, right? We're so, we're so, that alarm is so sensitive. that it goes off all the time. We have, you know, cameras all around our house and what's cool about them, and I love technology these days because you can actually pick, you know, if there's a high traffic area or something near your house, we have deer everywhere and we kind of know their path where they come by our house and We can, you can touch that area on the screen and make it like, Hey, don't pay attention to this, but otherwise they can get pretty sensitive and continuously go off when there's maybe just a spider or maybe just a car driving by that we don't want it to trigger us that there's, Something there or something dangerous going on very much the same thing that our bodies can do and they react to Emotional threats the same way as physical threats, you know It doesn't necessarily know the difference as we always compare, you know Is this a snake or is it a stick and most of the time?

[00:12:29] it's probably a stick, but you are acting and reacting every single minute of every single day as if It's a snake. And you're saying, even to yourself, to convince yourself that, hey, all of this is worth it because, what if I relax and I go, okay, maybe it's a stick and then it's a snake, but the damage that we're doing in the meantime, not just To our relationship, to our partner, but certainly to our bodies, absolutely isn't worth trying to prepare yourself for if it is a snake, you can get through the situation if it's a snake, trust me, you have absolutely Everything that you need to get through that situation, if it's actually a snake.

[00:13:23] But so we've got to move into turning the volume, turning that sensitivity volume down, turning down that thermostat on this hypervigilance. Because these things show up, even in the smallest thing. My partner didn't text me back or, oh, they seem a little off in their tone tonight.

[00:13:48] And I think that one happens a lot. usually this will come after maybe you've done wiling out a little bit on your jealousy the weekend before. You're Still feeling the guilt and shame of it. And now you're hypervigilant watching your partner to see if they're being more quiet, are they ignoring you more?

[00:14:10] Are they not talking to you? It's… are they still upset with you? And then you will take their tone, the slightest little change, and then you're going to make a big dang deal about it because you think again, that it's about you and it's about you. It could be something easy, you know, something as simple as they're stressed from work or they got an email that didn't sit well and, maybe it's not a big deal to bring up, but they're still thinking about it or who knows, that's the thing.

[00:14:42] We don't know, but we tend to then make it about ourselves. So, we have to work on turning down the sensitivity of your hypervigilance. You might hear me talk sometimes about getting curious as a big key to managing your jealousy, especially when I talk about the power of one O N E and being open to new experiences and open to new explanations.

[00:15:07] Being curious is very different than being hypervigilant. And even the sound of them, it just, it feels a bit different. Being curious is intentional and it's purposeful and it's helpful. Being curious about your partner, being curious about other examples or explanations, being curious about how you're thinking of something, being curious why you respond in certain ways.

[00:15:38] All of those things are helpful. They bring awareness but being hyper vigilant. As you may be using it in your relationship, it's stressful and it gives you an anxious feeling. And in fact, it has many physical impacts to you, like elevated cortisol levels, which, hello, if you are around my age, not saying my age right now, but if you're Getting up there.

[00:16:09] this is really important because now you have higher cortisol levels, which then affects how you carry weight or potentially gaining weight. And of course, your overall health, it is also going to disrupt your sleep patterns that you may have digestive issues because that stomach is always in knots.

[00:16:32] You're going to have chronic muscle tension. I remember getting a massage. Years ago, and the girl was like, holy cow, I have never in all my years of doing this, you have the tightest back of anyone that I've worked on. You will not let it relax. And I still have problems with that. Even now, after a lot of the work that I've done, I have to get intentional and be really aware of.

[00:17:06] My tension that I'm carrying my body and probably yours. It's just so used to being tense and uptight all the time. I can usually sense this with my one-on-one clients. I'll see them do that. Breathe like they're trying to calm their heart rate down. just when they start talking about a story again, just when they start to maybe explain to me something that happened, I can hear it in their voice.

[00:17:35] I can see it all over them. That tension you just get used to always being in this this high level of intensity where you're just, your whole body is tensed up. So, I bet right now, if you start from the top down, from your head, my guess is you are tense. Let's do, let's do a little of this together. We won't do it all, but if you just notice your jaw, now start to relax your jaw.

[00:18:13] I bet your jaw was tense. I bet it was tensed up. Okay. Relax your jaw. Now what about your shoulders? Relax your shoulders. Were they up by your ears? Mine? Sometimes I'll catch them trying to go back up to my ears again. Relax them. Relax those shoulders. I bet you they were tense.

[00:18:37] And it may take a couple of attempts at your shoulders to get them to relax. Relax your shoulders. See how tense you already were? Now what about your back? Relax your back. And now, your butt. Yes, I said your butt. I know, okay, this is crazy, and I didn't believe it when I heard it, but it's true. There is this thing called butt gripping, and there are a few reasons for it, but one big one is pent up stress.

[00:19:18] there is a way that you can test to see if you're a butt gripper. And I was one of them. I was a butt gripper. I was like, what? This cannot be true. Totally true. And I will still catch myself, usually at the gym. just because I'm so much more focused on like my body and my muscles and how things are, but I'll catch that I'm That I'm butt gripping so you get in a habit of checking for this seriously look it up butt gripping by Dr Diane Lee and There's a test that you can do and see if you're a butt gripper.

[00:20:01] Um just Be, start being intentional. You know, one of the ways of trying to get our bodies out of this hypervigilance, because you're probably thinking about it more of like what you're seeing, what you're paying attention to, which is true. And that can maybe be your step two of, and it's definitely something that I still practice today, of not paying attention to my partner, like intentionally Not paying attention is something that I still practice today.

[00:20:37] but you know, maybe start with your body because your body is what really is holding all of this and carrying it. So put this into your routine just to notice, just notice how even, like even your feet can tense up, your hands, your jaw, your shoulders, your back, your butt, notice it. But work on getting your body out of this hyper vigilant, tense state and focus, on not noticing your partner.

[00:21:12] In The Body Keeps the Score book, there are so many valuable exercises that they do in there to help you with this. The body scan exercise where you lay down and you do what we just generally ran through, but noticing the sensations and really not changing them and not, um, you know, but noticing where you're holding that tension.

[00:21:32] Of course, the breathing exercises, the name, the five things, the four things you can touch, three things, these types of exercises are just a small part to that you get in the behind your jealous mind bootcamp. You get the overthinkers toolkit. There are a lot of these in there.

[00:21:52] I put all of my favorite ones in there. That's just one little thing that you get. So, I want to remind you if you're listening to this podcast in real time. You've got to register today because it starts tomorrow. And for those of you who asked. I went back. I'm doing a 6:00 p.m. I will do a 6:00 p.m. starting Wednesday, February 5th.

[00:22:18] We'll do a 6:00 p.m. Eastern time. but you've got to go register today because your time is up to register. But that's just one little bitty thing that you'll get in the boot camp. And we go through so many things. We talk about the neuroscience. We talk about, your attachment style. We talk about how that's showing up in your relationship.

[00:22:40] We talk about how do I meet my own needs and you'll go through these and I will be with you. There's a way that we keep in touch for your 21 days of reprogramming your core wounds. We do that together. It's a huge part of the boot camp. So, I am telling you, here is what it is. If you go register today, there'll be a link in the show notes where you can do split payments to make it a little bit easier for you as well.

[00:23:07] And you can do the 6:00 p.m. Eastern Time. And then, of course, there are replays in case you miss one week. But that's just one small thing. All of these techniques, you'll get in that toolkit, as well as the workbook and so many other things. Guided meditation, you get a private session with me. And daily check ins for the 21 days when you're doing the reprogramming.

[00:23:32] So much stuff, but this hypervigilance is something that really just start to pay attention to, because this is a survival skill that you learned, which means we can unlearn it. And I know you might currently almost be wearing it as a badge of honor in some ways.

[00:23:57] Oh, I'm really good at picking up, signs from people. Oh, I'm really good at, but that's, it's tiring. and a lot of times, what we think might be true is not true. it could be causing you a lot more harm than good. We don't want to be paying attention to every single thing your partner's doing and every little change in them. I know you think you want to, so that you can catch something that's going to happen before it happens, but I'm telling you, especially if you're someone Who has been jealous in most every relationship you've been in to some degree.

[00:24:37] I know that some relationships, this jealousy will ramp up a little bit more than others, but if you're someone who has been jealous through, you know, relationship to relationship and who has been cheated on in one of those relationships, you know that it doesn't work. How prepared were you? You might have been doing the same thing.

[00:24:56] You might have been checking their phone. You might have been paying attention to their every move. You might have been paying attention to, what they did on what dates. You may have been looking them up and they did it anyway. And you weren't any more prepared than if you didn't do those things.

[00:25:13] Let your body relax. You can unlearn this hypervigilant skill because you don't need it. You don't need it to survive. That was something that you used as maybe a child that you don't need anymore. You have a smarter adult brain who has a lot more access to resources, a lot more things that you can do to take care of yourself, and you have every single thing you need to do that.

[00:25:49] So you can start now.

[00:25:52] Start doing these things now. Just take two to three minutes a day and just relax. Become aware of your body and what is tense and relax it, whether you are doing this through meditation or you're just sitting there for a second saying, I'm just going to notice.

[00:26:11] You can do this at your desk. You can do it right now. Oh my gosh, I didn't realize my jaw was this tense. I didn't realize my shoulders were up by my ears. I didn't realize I was a butt gripper till today. you're welcome, but let's get, let's put this hyper vigilant skill down. It's not anything that you really need today in the way that you're using it in this survival mode.

[00:26:41] We don't need it. Thank you for another week. I will see you in the boot camp. The link to do split payments is in the show notes. I'll see you in the boot camp. Until then, take care and remember you're not alone.