How Community Can Support Your Jealousy Journey EP 51

You're in for a treat today because I have very special guests on. Yes, I said guests, girl, and if you're wondering, do other people think like this? Do other people do this when they're jealous? Well, stay right here, because you're gonna hear from two women who probably think just like you or similar to you, and they have went through my group coaching program. They're gonna share their struggles and their successes with you and make sure you stay till the end, because you're gonna have an opportunity to join the Building Trust Boot Camp group coaching program. It starts in November. I'm your host, shannon Bryant. There's a lot here for you today, so let's get going. Heather and Roxanne are a part of one of my group coaching programs and fellow jealousy sufferers just like you. Thank you both for being so vulnerable and not only sharing your experience about the group coaching program that you're in, but also being vulnerable in sharing your stories. So I just want to say thank you to both of you. I'm happy to have you. Yeah, it's a pleasure to be here. I'm excited about this. Roxanne, you have been suffering many years from jealousy. When did you first notice it? What was going on? Did you know that it was jealousy? What was happening?

Back in grade school, when I was like seven or eight years old, just focusing on having a boyfriend rather than paying attention to the nuns in school and just like if one person took the boy away, I started to feel like that sick gut feeling in my stomach that I still have today, at this age. So I would think probably back then.

Wow, All the way seventh or eighth grade, I mean really when you first started probably having interaction or at least romantic feelings for the opposite sex. Yeah, definitely.

I mean, sometimes I question myself. You know, I probably shouldn't be so interested in boys at that age, but it was just, I guess, my nature to be that way.

So you've always been a little bit boy crazy. Sounds like yes, maybe yes, yeah, I think did you, because I kind of experienced that as well. I don't know if I would call it boy crazy maybe, but I do think they always played a really big role in my life.

Yes, I felt complete if I had a boyfriend and actually I guess pretty much the crowd I hung around with everybody had a boyfriend. So you were always like very possessive of the boy that you had. And it's just so funny because my best friend and I were still best friends today. We both were interested in brothers.

So it wasn't just you, but it almost seems like you ran in circles like that, was it? You all, all the girls in your circle, you all were competing for the boy or competing to see and make sure, like you have to have a boyfriend that shows your status, that kind of thing Absolutely.

Yes, yes, I never thought of it until you said that it was like if you didn't have the boyfriend, then you weren't cool, you had to have that sidekick on the side.

Oh goodness, okay, so you noticed it very early on. You've been struggling with it. How do you feel like it's showing up today in your life? How has it shown up as an adult?

It has continued throughout many, many years. In one of our coaching calls recently, you said the magic word. It was comparison. That that's what I was. So today, at this stage of my life, it's all about looks and comparison and I realized that's pretty much what I do is compare myself to someone else to make sure that they're going to like me or am I as pretty as them. Comparison has taken away so much of the time in my life. I realize now that all these years I am, I compare myself. I didn't need, I didn't need to, but I needed me. The need is always a word in my life. I just needed somebody to talk to to say, hey, am I okay? Like I'm comparing myself, do I fit into this group or role?

Heather, we talk a lot about comparison and you shared a little bit in group coaching about your struggles with comparison and not feeling like you fit in.

Yeah, so I think I've struggled most of my life, starting early in grade school, feeling like I didn't amount up to other people's expectations, thinking I didn't sit in with other kids, especially other girls. I felt like I was constantly comparing myself against other girls in my class or friends as either competition or I'll never be good enough. I'll never be accepted by them. I was always kind of priming myself for rejection anytime I would interact with other people Because I felt like I just wasn't worth their time.

So just feeling in a way like you weren't good enough or as good as the other girls in school Exactly, is there anything that stands out that that happened to start making you feel that way?

I think it's just throughout my childhood a series of small rejections, mostly from other girls, of just trying to put out a bid for connection and to be friends with somebody, and them kind of not wanting to be my friend or making fun of me, saying something mean or passive, aggressive. And then in turn I internalize that and make it about myself Like, oh, there's obviously something wrong with me because these girls are not being nice to me.

Yeah and it stinks. It's like if you could go back and tell yourself like it's not. You Kids can be really mean and say things. I don't know if that's part of just the inhibition when you're young too, because you're not realizing what you can do to somebody, but being young and impressionable, then we take that information and we carry it with us. The crazy thing is we talk about this a lot, is we start to form these opinions of ourselves, these stories that we tell ourselves, and then we never go back and do inventory and go wait a second, is that still true? Like, how did that start? And can I look back at that and see that it was not something that I should have taken with me? Right?

Right, yeah, and that programming sticks around forever. I mean, if you don't rewire it, you know I can take years to undo it.

Yeah, I think that's the biggest part too, and we do that a lot in the group coaching program. We're going in and we're trying to rewire things, we're trying to change some habits, and it becomes really interesting when we can take a look we do a lifeline exercise and we can take a look at well, how did maybe these form, or what happened in my life where these things came up. Was there anything that you really noticed as you did some of the exercises, as we worked through some of the things where you're like, oh, that's been around for a while, I don't need that anymore.

I've always had a belief that, like, if I don't keep somebody interested, like actively engaged, they're going to drift away from me, they're going to lose interest if I'm not, you know, good enough, strong enough, smart enough, entertaining enough, yes, and I have to, like, earn my place in a relationship or in a friend group.

I'm sure for you to constantly keep that up of like well, what else can I do? What else am I gonna do? How can I keep this going? How can I keep them interested? Yeah, exactly and I know you are not alone in that, because I do talk to a lot of people who feel like I have to be entertaining, I have to be interesting, I'm boring anymore. We've lost the, the spark, and they think that that, then, is what's gonna make their partner stray, or they're worried about it, or they're exhausted Because they're trying to keep that up. So I think I'm gonna do an entire episode on that, because I do see that a lot it's showing up a lot and people who are jealous. It's one of the things that they are, that they're struggling with. So thank you so much, heather, for bringing that up. So I did an entire episode about my mini meltdown in Costa Rica at the beginning of this year and for about 24 hours I really considered not doing this podcast anymore because I felt like, oh my gosh, if I'm still having these moments and these Setbacks and this weakness as I took it in the moment, how can I possibly help anyone else? Like, I am not fit to do this. This doesn't make sense. I just need to shut it all down. And I really had a lot of self-doubt going on about if I should continue or not, and At first it was my husband who was like even more of the reason that you should keep doing it. And then you know, myself finally saying yeah, I should keep going and I'm gonna share this. I'm gonna share this experience because I I tried to be as forthcoming. I try to be as transparent as possible. I Obviously don't share everything, but I try to be as transparent as possible and I thought I Don't want people to think that if they have a setback, if something happens again, that it's just all up in smoke and forget it and I'm just never going to Feel better. This is never gonna be better for me because, even though I had that mini meltdown on the beach in Costa Rica, my life and my husband's life and our relationship is so different than it was eight years ago. So, even with that and Him saying like he could point out the differences, even though I still had a meltdown and he could point out those differences. So that's what I did and I thought, okay, I'm just going to, I'm gonna share the story and Hopefully that'll help people. So I recorded an entire episode about it. Then, about a month later, almost to the day, I received an email Saying Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad I found your podcast. I just listened to your episode About your meltdown in Costa Rica. Thank you so much. I finally feel like I found a place, I found someone, I found a platform of someone who understands me and right, say we haven't talked about this, but that email was from you and it literally was almost to the day a month later. I still have the email. It was February 20th and my trip was at the end of January. I was still, I think, at the time, go haven't had COVID, I was still coming out of it and that email, getting that email from you and hearing that it was actually that episode, that kind of made you feel like, oh my gosh, somebody who goes through the same thing as me. So I just wanted to say thank you because that made me feel like, okay, that was the right choice to keep going and Definitely, if I was gonna keep going, the right choice to share that episode and to talk about my experience. So I'm sure they're gonna be more experiences in my journey here that I'll just continue to share those because, you know I I guess I just wanted to say thank you, because I guess I just wanted to say thank you for letting me know that that was the right thing. So that was me, right, that was you. I remember that email. So that was the beginning of this year, close to the beginning of this year, when you sent me that email and you were in Desperation at that time. So tell me, like, what was going on, what was happening in your life when you were on this search to find something when you came across a podcast, what was happening?

I retired and I had more time now to focus on all my threats. Before you know, at work you're busy, but now I'm retired, I'm looking at myself. I was overweight, hated myself and would look constantly for someone to help me. I would search, search, search for all the jealousy podcasts and then I came across yours and I started walking miles and miles and listening to every single podcast of yours and whatever you were saying, every single one made me feel so normal. Oh, my God, there's finally someone that is saying what I feel and talking the words, and this is amazing. I need to find her and reach out to her, I want to hug her. And then, when I heard the Costa Rica, it was me. It was me in Florida, on the beach, and I'm like holy crap, this is, this is a sign. So thank goodness that you you did not end it, cause you even said that on the podcast. You said I was even not sure I was going to do this. So thank you for doing that and keep counting. No, no, thank you, because every time you record something or everything relates to all of us, so keep them coming.

Thank you. Thank you, I will. Um, yeah, as long as I can and as long as people keep listening, then I'll keep trying to put them out there. What would you say your biggest hurdle with jealousy has been Like? What is it that, as you were older, was the biggest struggle in relationships for you?

Trust was a major issue for me and I felt really bad for my partner because he's the most trustworthy person I've ever met. Now, especially right now, I realize it again thanks to this coaching that I'm going through with you and the group like right now he's away, and before I would be like I'm probably the only thing I could talk on the podcast, on the recording, because I'd be thinking all these other things are going on. And now I'm relaxed, I trust again. Ah, so it feels so good.

Yes.

But yeah, that was a definitely major issue.

Well, and you had some infidelity issues in your background, right.

Yes, my father and my first husband. We met when I was 15 and we were together since I was up till 33. He was an alcoholic. Well, and yeah, it took me a long time to trust again Anyone, not even just my partner, but anyone.

Have you guys noticed that as well? Because I noticed it with me and I don't think it was just because I took other females as threats, but I also just didn't trust anyone, not even just a partner. But people would always say, oh my gosh, you're so hard to read, I can't tell if you like me or you don't like me. It's like you've got this wall up. So even with women, coworkers or anyone, do you? Have you guys both experienced that where you feel like it at some point? It was. It wouldn't matter if it was a romantic relationship or anyone that you felt like you kind of had walls up or no.

Yeah, yeah, I've definitely had walls up, even in platonic relationships. I've always had a fear of getting too close, getting too intimate with people. Again, you know that fear of rejection, the fear of being seen and the fear of being hurt.

I think you touched on it right there like fear of being hurt because and maybe it was tied to like, oh, if I'm close to them, then they're going to be close to my partner and then you know, maybe they'll do something to where I can't trust them. I don't know, I don't know where that part came from, but I just definitely knew, I experienced that.

Yeah, no, and I've certainly experienced not wanting to interact with certain people for fear that they were going to interact with my partner and trying to, like, keep those parts of my life separate. That would be bae.

Yes, roxanne, that's true, because you're very much like me in terms of going to a restaurant, going anywhere and looking for those potential threats and being really aware of them.

Yes, if there is a threat in the room, that's all I focused on, and it would ruin the whole night, for everything would be. It would be horrible, and then I would just wish I could do it again. I just wish I could do it one more time. I wouldn't do it that way, like I knew I was watching myself like a movie, staying myself thinking why am I doing this? I couldn't control it. It was just like a movie in my mind that this is normal, this is what you need to do and, if I can say this, you've taught me to look for other things rather than that threat, and that has helped me so much.

We're going to talk about that in just a few minutes. I'm going to have you share that experience, but I want to get from Heather because I don't think we came back to it. In the group coaching program that you were in, I teach for about the first 10, 20 minutes. Sometimes it goes a little longer than that and one of the lessons that we talked about is you can't move what's in your way until you own what you think. Do and say what is your biggest hurdle in your adult life? When it comes to jealousy, like what is the biggest thing for you, that really stands in your way gives you a hard time. What makes it rough for you?

Currently. What I'm working on right now is I often struggle in getting caught up in my own stories, whether it's something I make up in my head or something that I just you know. Like, for example, my partner might say another woman's name or start to mention them somebody from work or somebody they know through a mutual friend and I begin to create this story around them. Because where you get the feeling and then your brain has to justify the feeling, go well, there must be a reason I'm feeling uncomfortable right now. There must be a reason I'm anxious in this moment. There must be something going on. I also have a tendency sometimes to be affected by other people's stories, even just hearing somebody else talking about inshidelity. Or, you know, you could even be scrolling on social media like the TikTok reels or whatever, and all of a sudden something comes up like oh, I found out, my husband and I got a like nope, nope, nope, nope, swipe, swipe, because otherwise it burrows into your brain and it starts planting those seeds of something might be going on in my life.

Yeah, like if a friend or a coworker is talking about their partner. You know they found out that their partner cheated on them. It absolutely, if we are not careful, if we don't have some strategy in place to handle those situations, that could absolutely spark that.

Yeah, it's like when you're watching a scary movie and your brain thinks it's actually happening.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And when we start to think that, then our body does think, oh, this is really happening. Yeah, Roxy, and we did an exercise with you, because yours was different. We know you live on the beach or close to the beach. It's somewhere that you guys go, but you struggled with that all the time. So can you talk through the exercise that you did and then how that worked out for you or what happened?

Sure, instead of going out for a beautiful day to enjoy on the beach before I would look for the threats, like I would get my chair and then here comes the threats. So Shannon told me to look for something else and she says, pat, look for hearts. So I was like, okay, that sounds good. Focus on hearts. So when I went to the gym the first heart that came up was on the elliptical. The very next day and I cause I didn't. I said I'm not gonna see hearts, I just know I won't. But there it was and I'm like, oh, my first heart went to the beach that day. Still so excited about the heart on the elliptical, I said okay. And then the next thing I look in the sky, there's a heart. Got a salad, looked in, I let it was shaped like a heart, like the whole time, but not realizing like wait a minute, you're not thinking of the threats, look how nice this day is going, you're just having such a great day. And I was just so excited I wrote it all down. So when I do like start going to that pattern again, I bring out my journal and I look at all the different hearts that I saw, and I've been continuing that exercise ever since you gave it to me, so I might need something else to look for.

Yeah, I know we're gonna like we're gonna have you look for money. Okay Me and Heather me, and Heather, are gonna send you on a yeah, find some money for us or something, right Like we're gonna, yeah, do something really good and juicy, yeah, uh, before we go. Heather, do you have any words of wisdom or advice for someone who is struggling with jealousy? It's taken over for them and it's really showing up on a daily basis. Anything you wanna share words of wisdom for them?

I would say Don't be ashamed of what you're feeling, but rather look at yourself with compassion, treat yourself with compassion.

Yeah, it's really important to not be ashamed of it, because when we're ashamed of our jealousy, when we're ashamed of our insecurities, then we're hiding from them, then we don't want to talk about it, and when we don't want to talk about things then we don't get curious and we don't dig in and we don't pull out that awareness. That makes it really hard to turn down the volume on jealousy. So I love that. Thank you so much, heather, for giving that nugget of advice of don't be ashamed of it, Just get curious about it and see what happens. I love it. I appreciate both of you, like I said in the beginning, being vulnerable, being on the show, being willing to just share a little bit about your story, because I think it's important for other people to hear others' experiences. I'll be opening another group coaching program here very soon, in just a couple of weeks, so I would love for you to share, because what I think people are worried about or initially get nervous about with group coaching is I don't want to talk about this stuff in front of other people, but I always see it where within the first couple of weeks then everybody starts to get comfortable. Can you briefly just talk a little bit about your experience in the group coaching and how you're feeling about it.

It's been the best coaching I've ever had. All the money I spent all the therapy to have this one podcast help me. I was very worried about my age and I thought, oh my gosh, I was embarrassed to be this old to have these problems. And then it kind of helped. It made me want to help the other people. When I hear them talking about it I'm like, oh my gosh, yes, I've been dealing that with my whole life, so hopefully this podcast helps them not to be this lovely age that I am now. But you know what? I have years left of my life and I am peeling back the layers of everything that I had damaged and I'm coming out with a whole new feeling and outcome and I'm just. I feel like I've really met a great group of people.

Yay, what a great place to end on. I think that's wonderful and, yeah, I see the connections that start to build and it is funny because in previous groups, like, they've stayed in contact and they helped to support each other. So I always think that's a good thing is you can understand where somebody else is coming from and so even when one thing like you can see it from a different perspective, even though you may struggle with the same thing, heather might be able to see it from a different perspective and be able to share and support somebody else and same thing with you. So thank you so much both of you for being on and for sharing some of your story with us. Thank you so much for being on TopSouth.