How To Get What You Need Instead Of Nagging For What You Want w/ Dr. Abby Medcalf EP 75

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: Welcome to the Top Self podcast. I'm your host Shanenn Bryant and I have a relationship maven, psychologist, author podcast host, TEDx speaker. I can't even run through the lists of all the things she's done. She's been a speaker at organizations like Google and Apple and AT&T, America Airlines, Chevron. She has her own podcast called Relationships Made Easy. 

[00:00:29] And one thing I love most is her direct no nonsense style. And you'll see it in this episode today when she talks about, Hey, don't be a victim, don't play the victim, but she also gives you some really great advice on how to have meaningful conversations with your partner and how not to buy a boat. Yes. All of it is in this episode. Just stay tuned. You'll see what I mean. 

[00:00:56] Dr. Abby Medcalf coming up.

[00:00:58] Welcome to Top Self, the podcast dedicated to relax your mind, achieve change, and become a healthier, more present you. Are you ready to move past the daily anxiety? Comparing and doubting yourself, and feeling like you're not enough? I'm your host, Shanann Bryant, and I've ruined many good relationships because of my jealousy, and stayed way too long in some bad ones because of my insecurity.

[00:01:31] But I stopped letting fear drive my actions. And now I can't wait to share with you as I dive into these emotions, shed light on how they might be impacting your life and uncover strategies to break free from their grip. It's time to start living a life of confidence. So get ready to ignite your self worth and transform your life because my friend, you are worthy.

[00:01:59] Welcome Dr. Abby Medcalf.

[00:02:02] Dr. Abby Medcalf: I'm so excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

[00:02:06] Shanenn Bryant: I am excited for you to be here too. We were talking, I'm in love with your podcast, Relationship Made Easy, and I was just listening to it a few days ago. There was an episode that just It so hit home because it has just come up with my audience and it's the episode about the exes and like hanging out and how do you navigate the exes and, them still being in the life of your partner and all of that good stuff.

[00:02:35] So good. Thank you for that.

[00:02:37] Dr. Abby Medcalf: My pleasure.

[00:02:38] Shanenn Bryant: As the podcast talks about, insecurity, jealousy, and we talked a lot about this being choice. There's a fair amount of choice in here. How we're going to handle it. How we're going to navigate through this. And you talk about, the victim mindset. So can we dive in? And what do you mean?

[00:03:02] Dr. Abby Medcalf: Oh, yeah.

[00:03:03] Shanenn Bryant: me a victim?

[00:03:03] What are you doing telling me I'm playing the victim?

[00:03:06] Dr. Abby Medcalf: I know. It's so hard. It's so hard. really everything is about us. And this, we're, we're raised in a culture where blaming other people for how, my mother used to say, you drive me crazy, or you give me gray hair, or you're making your, you're making your father nuts, or you hear this stuff your whole life, so you actually think it's true.

[00:03:27] You think, oh, it's true. I'm responsible for other people's feelings. I can make them feel a certain way and then you think it's true for you. Other people can make me feel a certain way. So especially when I talk about jealousy, for example, people say, I wouldn't be jealous except that he talks to other women or he likes pretty women on 

[00:03:46] Shanenn Bryant: He's very flirtatious.

[00:03:48] Dr. Abby Medcalf: very flirtatious. And I'm like, no, you don't get to do that. It's because you have a choice in how you, are in your relationship. You're not a victim. You have full, a hundred percent responsibility. And we co create every relationship we're in. That means that this is your part to co create, your part to come in.

[00:04:09] And jealousy is really always about insecurity. It's always about ourselves and how we're doing and what's happening right for us. So when you can get out of blaming someone else, if you're blaming anyone else in your life for any condition in your life, Unless you're an indentured servant, unless you're being held against your will, then you're acting like a victim.

[00:04:32] And I say that with so much love in my heart, because I did it for many years myself. but when you come to the other side and the amount of happiness and freedom there is, it's incredible. And it's really related I always tell people, if you feel resentful at all about another person, it means you need to have boundaries in place.

[00:04:50] Like you don't have good boundaries in place. And that's really the thing, they're all connected, right? You somehow don't have a healthy boundary here.

[00:05:00] Shanenn Bryant: Okay, so when you say hey You are not a victim You actually have choice in this, which I love the mindset of that because that's what we talk about a lot is this is a choice. And as you said we like to blame our partner And so what I hear a lot too is oh then how do I know like how do I know if this is a good person or not a good person?

[00:05:25] I just let them look at other people all the time or make comments all the time or you know I'm just supposed to deal with that because when we say it's a you issue and You have control over yourself, they can't make you feel that way. Walk me through how do I make that make sense in my head or how do I then figure out?

[00:05:46] is this a good person or not a good person? How much of that am I supposed to let happen?

[00:05:50] Dr. Abby Medcalf: Yeah, that part is up to you. if, having someone flirt, like I, I'm trying to think how I would feel if my Gary was always flirting, I, I'm sure I wouldn't like it, just because I don't feel like I'm number one. And that's really the problem.

[00:06:04] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah

[00:06:04] Dr. Abby Medcalf: When we're not getting what we need, we focus on what we want, and we nag about what we want.

[00:06:12] And this is really important. This is why, you know,wiping off the, all the countertops till they're really clean matters and getting all the whiskers out of the sink and the sock on the floor and the toilet seat. We start focusing on these things because we label them. Oh, this means he doesn't care or he doesn't think what I, what's important to me isn't important to him, so he must not love me.

[00:06:33] Or we label and define, first of all, that's problem number one. I, I. I have a lot of men in my private practice. I will tell you they are not trying to piss you off. I mean, the occasional man is, but in general they want,

[00:06:46] Shanenn Bryant: Like they're just trying to get through the day,

[00:06:47] Dr. Abby Medcalf: are just getting through their own day. They're not thinking in that way. They think they did wipe the counter well. And now you're nitpicking about a little piece of jam in the corner. So they start to go, why do I even try? It's never good enough. And then they stop trying, right? And then we have this horrible cycle that takes over. and I'm not talking about weaponized incompetence.

[00:07:06] That's like a different thing in that's really more rare. I know people throw that term around a lot, but so what I'm talking about is in general, You are focusing what you're missing is what you really need and what you really need. I call them your deal breakers. it's really how you create a healthy boundary with something is that you have to know what your deal breaker is.

[00:07:29] What is the thing I need? So I always say this, here's how you know, if you made a list of your perfect person, Okay. Let's pretend you're not in a relationship and you had a list. who's the, and I'll just say as a heterosexual female, okay, so I'll use these terms, right? So who's my dream man? And when I made that list, I remember, and you know what I had, I did not have mows the lawn well, picks up his socks, puts the cap on the toothpaste, was not on my list.

[00:07:56] Didn't even get close. what was on my list is always has my back. I always feel like he has my best interests at heart. When we disagree, I think, I feel like we fight fair about it. he'll listen. I feel understood. I feel heard when I have something that's hurting me. I think he goes out of his way to make sure that my needs are taken care of.

[00:08:19] That's what was on my list. And that is the man I'm with. Okay. He's not a perfect man. He does lots of stuff that I don't like, but because I'm getting what I need, which is that stuff.I'm not worried about when he doesn't wipe all his whiskers out of the sink. It doesn't drive me occasionally. Don't get me wrong, right?

[00:08:37] We're all human. But in general, I never talked about the whiskers in the sink anymore. I don't, I just watch them. It takes three seconds. I don't care because he made an effort. It's just not all of it.

[00:08:48] Shanenn Bryant: It's worth an eye roll and then

[00:08:50] Dr. Abby Medcalf: And then move on. when you're thinking, if you're like, Oh, should I still be with this man, and he's flirting, I would say to you, What was on your list?

[00:08:58] And I will bet, any amount of money, you're not getting what was on your list. So when you talk about the flirting and focus on that, because in his mind, it's harmless. He's really not cheating. He's really not, which it's most of the time, like the, most of the time they're not, most of the time I talk to women and they don't think he is cheating.

[00:09:17] They just don't like this behavior. And so it's if you don't think he's cheating, so get past this thing you want and get really what's happening is you don't feel number one in his life, or you wouldn't care. About this thing. I've joked with Gary, I have walked up, my, my man is very handsome and he's big.

[00:09:36] He's 6'4' and 212 pounds, very fit. Women are very attracted to him. And sometimes I'll go to the bathroom and I'll come back and I have come back and there's been like young women flirting with him, like with their hand on his arm, chatting. And my, and Gary's so friendly. He's just this nice guy. He'll start chatting with them and he's not flirting at all.

[00:09:55] He's, there's nothing sexual, but I'll walk up and these women are all over him. He doesn't get it. I never ever though, I'm giggling to myself. As soon as I let it go on and I watch, I pretend I'm just a friend. And he's the one who'll be like, Oh babe, you're back. this is candy. I've been talking to her for an hour, but because I get what I need, this other stuff doesn't even register as an issue.

[00:10:19] Does that make sense? 

[00:10:19] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. 

[00:10:20] Dr. Abby Medcalf: and I've been in other relationships where I didn't just for the record, but in this one, I do.

[00:10:24] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Yes. I think one of the best pieces of advice I got from a friend, early on in my relationship with my husband when my jealousy was at its all time height and we were really struggling and she said, You've got to lower your material standards in terms of like your materialistic standards in terms of like lower your standards girl because the things that you're wanting him to be perfect and you're wanting him to never ever hurt your feelings or never ever screw up or not and I did I was like I am expecting him to never mess up.

[00:10:59] I am expecting him to never say something that might hurt my feelings. But when he did it, I was taking it that way. and I had to imagine myself like, wait a second, man, if I had to be that perfect or he would feel like I didn't love him,

[00:11:16] Dr. Abby Medcalf: That's a lot.

[00:11:16] Shanenn Bryant: I don't think I could do

[00:11:18] Dr. Abby Medcalf: say to that? I get very specific with language. I don't want you to lower your standards. I want you to lower your expectations. What happens is that people have high expectations but low standards. And you should have the opposite. You should have high standards but low expectations that people could be perfect.

[00:11:39] So I have a standard where Gary treats me with respect, but he's snapped at me before. He has said something not cool to me before, but I don't expect, I don't, my expectation is that my standard is met a hundred percent of the time. Do you see the difference there? But we all have such low standards and high expectations.

[00:11:56] We'll allow people to treat us like crap because we're right. And then we're upset when they do. so our expectations are all high, but we have these low standards. We allow them to do this with us. So that's really the key is to have high standards and low expectations, not the reverse. And that's a big part of being happy in a relationship.

[00:12:17] And it's your job when people aren't at the standard to remind them of your standards.and I always say, remind them with questions, not with statements. So when you go to your, especially again, in heterosexual relationships, I'll say, men don't like to hear what they're doing wrong.

[00:12:34] they, and especially don't want to hear that you don't feel protected by them or something. They, that criticism goes right to their heart. It's and women know this, men are way more sensitive than us. I say with all the love in my heart, they are so much more sensitive than we are. And. When, so when we come at them, I always say don't sack your relationships, S A C.

[00:12:54] Don't offer suggestions, give advice, or criticize. So what's left is to ask what I call collaborative questions. So if I'm seeing someone, my, my partner may be flirting with someone, I might stop and just ask a bigger question, like on a scale of one to six, how do you feel in the relationship? six is I'm the best wife, girlfriend, whatever, ever.

[00:13:15] And one is I'm not doing so good at. being your girlfriend. What, where would you put it? Where would you put that? Or just in our connection, even better question. A scale of one to six, I always like one to six cause there's no middle. They have to go one way or the other. don't ask one to five, ask one to six.

[00:13:31] at a scale of one to six, what do you feel like our, where do you feel like our connection is? our emotional intimacy? Where would you think that is? stick with it and they'll give you an answer. And sometimes they're going to tell you it's like a six. And you feel like it's a two andthat's really good information for you.

[00:13:48] And you can even ask do you want to ask me that question? And maybe they do or don't, but you can also then ask more questions. tell me, what is it? You got to be curious, truly curious. what do I do? Or what happens with us that, that gives you, that makes you say that number, that gives it a five or a six.

[00:14:03] What is, and, You can do the same if they said zero or one or two, right? You want to have more information. What is it that they're looking for? And then again, you can ask, can I, is it OK if I tell you what I'm looking for? what would bring it to a six for me? And you have to see the difference in this conversation as opposed to you were flirting again with that woman.

[00:14:24] And in his head, it's I wasn't flirting. I don't know what she's talking about. So I get to dismiss her because she's being crazy. 

[00:14:31] Or, I get to defend, I'm just flirtatious, you knew that when you met me. Do you see what I'm saying?

[00:14:37] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah, I like the follow up question too, and I want to put out there This isn't the same line of questioning that we're normally doing It's not 

[00:14:49] Dr. Abby Medcalf: interrogation. 

[00:14:49] Shanenn Bryant: to get that interrogation. Yes. Thank you. That's the word. I was looking for this not an interrogation It's a very thought out part and I think the important piece too is you also have to be prepared for the answer In a way, right?

[00:15:07] That's not if you explode, which I think is what happens a lot of time, we're asking the questions. We're definitely doing the interrogation when we're asking, but we're asking the questions. And then when we get an answer that we feel like is not as favorable as we wanted, then we kind of.oh, we get upset or sad or we unleash, which then you've broken that trust for 

[00:15:29] them to you again.

[00:15:32] Dr. Abby Medcalf: it's really this, the secret really to having these sorts of great communications is in the questions. And I, I tell people, I, again, in asking collaborative, open ended questions, and by the way, be careful. Of hiding a suggestion as a question, have you thought of, have you thought of, have you thought of doing it this way?

[00:15:54] that's a suggestion. You just, you made a question mark there, but that's a suggestion. So be mindful that you're really looking to be curious and deep in the conversation. Go here. I always say, go in to learn something, not prove something. What you really want to do is figure out, Why your man is flirting?

[00:16:12] Like maybe, I don't know, like maybe he probably, if someone is flirting a lot, they have low self esteem.I'm going to make a blanket statement. No one flirts a lot who has high self esteem. They have no reason to do

[00:16:24] Shanenn Bryant: Because we forget that a lot of times too, that our partner also has maybe some damage, some things that they are dealing with that then comes out in ways that we just see. The result of it, that may not make sense to us, just as they don't understand our jealousy, we don't understand why they flirt or we're taking it wrong, 

[00:16:48] Dr. Abby Medcalf: So when you open the conversation in that way of trying to learn something, trying to learn from your partner, what they're getting, what maybe what they need more of in the relationship, not that you're, it's your fault that they flirt. I want to be very clear. It's never our fault when someone flirts or does whatever it's not about that, but it is about where are they finding connection?

[00:17:08] How are they getting what they need? do they, Not feel like we're their number one in our lives. I don't know. we don't know the answer. That's the point. So when you start asking these kinds of questions and not aren't, don't be afraid of the answers and also approach it as a we issue. when it really comes down to it at some point to say, I know I've mentioned the flirting before.

[00:17:29] I know I get really upset. I'm really curious, like I love you so much. I want to just only feel connected to you. How do you think we can move forward with this? what are your suggestions for how to move forward? Now they might start with, we'll stop worrying about it, right? They might give you a throwaway and that,

[00:17:47] Shanenn Bryant: Get over it.

[00:17:48] Dr. Abby Medcalf: You might, you just need to get over it and that's, don't get put off by that. Cause that is their way to stop and the conversation say, obviously that's not working. I've tried that. let's keep talking. Let's keep brainstorming together about what we could do. What else could we do? How else can we approach this?

[00:18:07] let's go crazy. Let's think of a hundred ideas. And that's where you start to be a team and really have each other's back in this and start to have different solutions. and I would say with everything this way, I know, I get a lot, people aren't happy with their sex life, right?

[00:18:22] or they don't like, what was he doing with his finger last night? yuck, or whatever, right?

[00:18:27] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:18:28] Dr. Abby Medcalf: And, those conversations always go well, right? and my favorite question is to, when you're in a good place, You always have to connect to correct. So be connected first when you have these conversations.

[00:18:39] but to say something like, Hey, I really wanted to talk about our sex life. Like act excited. What would you like to see more of in our sex life? What a great question. What a great opportunity to have awesome conversations about what you'd like to see more of. Not don't do this. Don't do that.

[00:18:57] I wish we'd had sex here more. I wish we did this more. Those are all statements. But to start to really, and then whatever answer they give, maybe they say, I think we should have sex in the middle of the day and you've got three kids at home, right? And you're like, okay. And but don't just go, we can't cause we have kids at home.

[00:19:12] He knows that. Ask more. All right. how would we do that?how would we do that? How would we like, I, as I do, we got three kids at home. How would that happen? Talk to me. I'm excited. Let me know. 

[00:19:24] Shanenn Bryant: I like how it's putting, like throwing it back to them to go, what are your suggestions? One, because it does open up for more of how are they thinking about the situation, but also you mentioned just the example of, we have three kids at home. How are we supposed to do that?

[00:19:42] That allows them to think through it and go, Oh, okay. I am maybe, being a little too, like asking maybe a little too much because I don't know how in the world we

[00:19:51] Dr. Abby Medcalf: exactly. And by the way, this works with kids. This works everywhere. When you lean in, cause we get afraid, Someone is saying a lot of times our partners will come to us with some crazy idea like that. Like we should have sex in the middle of the day, or let's go on vacation to, on a three week trek in the rainforest.

[00:20:10] And again, you've got two kids under three or something, or you don't have that much time off of work or whatever. We immediately go to, we can't do that. And here's all the reasons why. I always say yes first. Don't be afraid. Don't trust me. They'll get there. They'll get there on their own.

[00:20:26] What they're doing is just throwing something out, something that excites them. Be excited with them. Oh my gosh. how do you, Oh, okay. What give it to me? What would that look like in three weeks in the rainforest with a two year old and a four year old? I don't know, but really ask. Really be curious.

[00:20:43] And what I've seen happen over and over is people come to their own, Oh, I guess that would be,they come to their own when you're allowing the conversation and not directing it. My son said something recently about some program at school where you can get a Tesla. My son doesn't even have a driver's license. Doesn't have a driver's license. I didn't have to poo the Tesla idea. He's not getting a job. He doesn't have a job. he's 20. what are you talking about? I didn't do any of that. I said, wow, a Tesla? How cool. I should go to school. I'd like one of those.

[00:21:14] Shanenn Bryant: love what you're saying, Abby, because I just used this. I didn't know I was doing, I mean, I kind of, I guess, knew I was doing it, but I didn't think about doing it in the ways that you're talking about in terms of those deeper conversations with our relationship. My husband wanted a boat last year and I was like, okay, and I let him talk himself out of it because I, but by going oh, We got to look for places to where, to

[00:21:41] Dr. Abby Medcalf: Okay. Where are we going to keep it? Yeah.

[00:21:42] Shanenn Bryant: Do you think you were going to keep it at guys? Do you think we can keep it at this lake? And he was like,

[00:21:47] so then he had to look to see what it costs to do that. And

[00:21:52] Dr. Abby Medcalf: And look what happened. 

[00:21:53] Shanenn Bryant: it? And how we go back? We don't have a boat. I will say 

[00:21:56] Dr. Abby Medcalf: There you go.and better yet, you didn't have to squash the idea and seem oh, she's always stomping on my dreams. Every time I have a great idea, you don't want to hear it, so I stopped. I stopped. And this is when people go underground.they start to go underground. They stop talking to you about their dreams.

[00:22:12] They stop talking to you about what they wish they could have. They stop and they start talking to other people. Or they do stuff on the DL. They hide money. They start to think what you don't know can't hurt you. They, you know what I'm saying? this is stuff that happens from that. I know. Cause I've been doing this 40 years.

[00:22:27] it's not good. So there's nothing, it costs you nothing to be say yes to every idea. Initially, just make that your response with your kids, everybody. Yep. Okay. Wow. Or just wow. Oh my God, your boat. I never thought of a boat. Tell me more. tell me more is my favorite kind of question, 

[00:22:50] tell me more about that. Can you tell me more? Tell me more about what you're thinking. I do it with clients. I do it with my kids. I do it with my friends. It's a beautiful thing to add. It shows interest. The other thing that's here is that your partner is making what we call a bid or John Gottman, the famous marriage researcher calls bids.

[00:23:07] 

[00:23:08] Dr. Abby Medcalf: they're asking you for your attention to be excited with them. And when you lean into a bid, it really helps relationships tremendously. There's, Tons of great research on it. So when you think of it that way too, when anybody's coming to you with some crazy idea, or not so crazy, when you lean in with them, and you might surprise yourself.

[00:23:28] Maybe a boat would have been the funnest thing you ever could have had. you might have gotten convinced for a boat, even though your first reaction is, are you freaking kidding me? so allow yourself, don't be so defended.

[00:23:40] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah, and going back to that victim mode, it does take you out of that as well, because if I'm not saying these things, then I'm not having to think. Even further, Oh, they see what I mean. They really don't like me or see there are hiding stuff from me now, because as you mentioned that going underground, we hear that all the time where, yes, I exploded 17 times in the last month about something, the coworker, the, this, the, who you hung out with, where you went on guys, night out, whatever it is.

[00:24:16] Yeah. I exploded 17 times. probably the 18th time, they may not be as upfront with you. And then it starts that vicious cycle of, Oh, if you found out they lied, see what I mean? They lied to me. You know how, what else

[00:24:31] Dr. Abby Medcalf: What else are they 

[00:24:32] hiding? I see it all the time. And it is the exact thing that happens, and I really want everyone listening to get that. the jealousy and the insecurity creates this energy on the other side, remember you co create a relationship. So it feeds that, and it is what happens every time, especially when men are, if your man is cheating, really is cheating, he's doing it anyway.

[00:24:57] that's them. But the flirting or the liking someone's whatever this other stuff is, or sometimes we're jealous of time they spend with their friends or, that they're having fun, whatever, right? What happens is they stop wanting to share with you. That's what's at the bottom line because in their head, you have to remember they really aren't cheating.

[00:25:18] And so they're not, they just are like, why is she like, she's crazy. She only gets upset about this. So I can now do what I want. They write you off. And that does create the separation that does create like a, a problem, a tremor in the force, shall we say, So you're picking up on that energy.

[00:25:40] I, Give this stat a lot because I think it's the secret of relationships, which is, it's researched by Timothy Wilson, which is that our conscious brains process information at a rate of 40 bits per second, while our subconscious or unconscious brains process information at a rate of 11 million bits per second. So whatever you really believe, whatever is under there, even if you're smiling and saying all the right things. We pick up, we don't believe what people say, we believe what they mean,we pick up on that under thing. It's like if you're walking down the street and you see someone walking towards you and you just get a funny feeling, that's the 11 million bits, and you put your purse on your other shoulder or you cross the street or whatever.

[00:26:26] That's the 11 million bits. Or you're at work and someone is, some new person comes in and they're saying all the right things, but the whole time you're like, they're full of crap. That's the 11 million bits. It doesn't matter what people say. So what's happening, you do start to feel your partner.

[00:26:41] Shifting, right? You start to feel it and that part is correct, but it's just not correct where you're going with it, but then that happens and then you're like, Oh, and you're grasping and running after and your stuff gets worse. And then. His stuff gets worse and then that becomes a downward spiral very quickly.

[00:27:00] So you, you have to align that conscious and subconscious. You have to get those guys together. you can't have this so separate. So it doesn't matter. Like you could be saying all the right things, but if you really believe they're cheating or you're really upset about this thing, they know. Even if you say it's fine, I've let that go, and you haven't really let it go, they know.

[00:27:20] Just like, you know, when I ask, Gary seems upset, and I go, are you okay? And he goes, fine, everything's fine. It's not fine. I know it's not fine. His words say one thing, but I, that 11 million, I know something else is up. I don't know what it is. But I know something else is up. And when we're, when we have a history of jealousy or insecurity, that's the first place we go.

[00:27:42] Shanenn Bryant: And we think it all the time of, well, now there, there is something and this distance is making it even worse and now they're more likely. And so now I've got to cling on even tighter, clinch this even tighter to now really see if there's something going on.

[00:28:00] Dr. Abby Medcalf: And then they retract even more, retreat even more, because again, even if they're not hiding that, they're just, you're looking, maybe you're in their emails or in their stuff. Now they don't want to give you the code to their phone, which, I hate anyway. but Because they have other, they're like, how far will she go in my privacy? And we're allowed to have privacy in relationships. So that start, it just really starts to be,a big, a bigger problem, but it's the 11 million and that 40 bits. it's a, those numbers are big. They're a big difference there.

[00:28:31] Shanenn Bryant: That's awesome. Go listen to her podcast Relationships Made Easy. I know you're gonna love it. I love it. Go subscribe to it. Thank you so much for being on Top Self.

[00:28:42] Dr. Abby Medcalf: Oh, it was so my pleasure. Thank you for having me.