How To Recover With Your Partner Quickly After A Jealous Meltdown EP 92

[00:00:00] shanenn-bryant_1_11-02-2024_142228: Welcome to Top Self. This is where we dive into the messy parts of relationships that… nobody is posting on Instagram about this stuff. Not in a great way. I'm your host, Shanenn Bryant, and we're talking about jealousy and insecurity, of course. But I want to ask you, have you ever freaked out in public?

[00:00:23] Like, have you ever had a jealous, full on explosion meltdown? Some of you that I talk to, you're able to keep your composure in the moment and even maybe never share with your partner that you were even upset or what you were upset about. For me, I was not one that could really do that. I would just explode, especially if it was something really triggering to me.

[00:00:52] And we know the more core wounds in a situation that come up, the more triggered you're going to be, the more of an explosion there's going to be. But I would just explode and have what felt like this Incredible Hulk episode where I was full on, like whole body, turned green, ripping off my clothes, transforming into another person that I didn't know that I felt like, I don't even know who this is, I don't know who's talking.

[00:01:22] It was awful. And for the partner in the path of that, I'm sure it's a bit scary and definitely made him question if they still wanted to be in the relationship. And then of course, as soon as I got all that bad, icky energy feeling out, all that Hulk energy out of me, when I would wake up in the aftermath of my rage back to my normal shade of color, and I look around and see how the damage around me.

[00:01:56] The shame would immediately kick in. And now here comes all the stories like, oh my gosh, see, why would my partner want to be with me? Why would anybody want to be with me when I'm like this? They hate me now. They're for sure going to go and look for someone else now. And what often happens is we think we've caused too much damage for the relationship, that they're never going to like you again, or they're never going to be able to love you in the same way.

[00:02:30] So today I want to offer some ray of hope. And I want you to learn to pull yourself up out of this thinking. And I want you to know that your relationship can change, be drastically different, and it can recover. And that's what we're getting into today.

[00:02:53] 

[00:03:52] shanenn-bryant_1_11-02-2024_142228: All right. Well, you may have noticed that I've been a little delayed or sometimes, in the last couple of weeks, just skipping weeks of episodes and not putting out A podcast episode. And so, I apologize for that. And I finally feel like I'm somewhat okay to talk about why that is to talk about something that happened, but I can't promise that I'm not going to get choked up or I'm not going to breakdown because this is still so fresh, but I'm going to do my best. 

You all have heard me talk about my buddy, my partner in crime, my seven-year-old German Shepherd named Samson. A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I, we went out to dinner with my parents. They always take us out. My husband and I's birthday are like a week, a little over a week apart and so my parents always take us out or do something with us jointly for our birthday. 

So, we went out to dinner with my parents. When we left, Samson was fine. When we got home just a few hours later, he couldn't get up on his own. I saw that he had been messing with his paw, like the day before, and he had just done a long walk in the woods a few days prior to that with his Papaw. 

So, I figured that maybe he just got something in his front foot, you know, his front paw and it was hurting him, and he couldn't really put pressure on it. So, I got him to the vet right away, which of course is, a big, huge fiasco because he's a hundred pounds.

[00:05:32] He's a big German shepherd. And I can't lift him myself. And so, with him not being able to get up and he, he couldn't walk on his legs. So, my husband had to help me get him up, get him in the carrier. And my husband had to put it in his truck, and he helped me to get Samson into the vet, and then he went back to work, and I was going to have to call him and, let him know when we were ready to be picked up. 

But the vet looked at his foot, the one that I thought, because he also had some hair missing on the top of it. Like all the fur was missing on the top of that same paw that I saw him messing with.

[00:06:11] So she looked at his paw and, looked at his foot. She didn't see anything wrong with his foot. Nothing stuck out, or she didn't see anything stuck in it. So, then she did some other tests. She also did x rays and there was no structural damage, meaning like his hips were fine.

[00:06:32] She didn't see any broken bones. Nothing looked bad. It all looked great. which I was super happy about. And then she did some other tests, and she did one where she bent his paw backward and just sat there for a few seconds and then I could see the look on her face change.

[00:06:52] And she said, what I was looking for him to do there was to correct his foot, but he didn't. And so, then she starts to explain to me what that meant. We found out that he had degenerative myelopathy, which is specific to German Shepherds. And it's a neurological disease that affects the dog's spinal cord, and it's fatal.

[00:07:21] And so my poor dog went from a happy, healthy, strong joy of our life to not being able to sit up and walk on his own. in seemingly like an instant. I'm just, I'm like less than overnight. And I can't stop thinking about the vet's words when I was in there and after she did that test and she said, “Unfortunately, his future doesn't look bright.”  I was in shock. Took me a bit to comprehend what she was saying. And I think she had to say it a different way like one more time, because I think she could tell that it wasn't clicking with me.

[00:08:08] Here, I thought I was bringing him in and it was just a paw injury, and it was something they were going to give him medication for and that was it. This dog has gone through so many things that he jumped off the roof of our house when he was little and didn't break anything. And it knocked the wind out of him.

[00:08:25] But. I think I may have talked about that, how he got up on the roof of the house, whole thing, but he's been skunked twice. He injured his foot playing Frisbee one time, but this is like the strongest dog and it just…. I was in shock. I thought he just had something wrong with his paw he got it from the woods and that was it and he was going to be fine. 

And we later, found out that this usually hits them around the age of eight. His birthday would've been December 15th, and I can't even talk about the gut-wrenching trip back to the vet the day we had to put him down. 

[00:09:09] What seemed like almost overnight, our entire lives and our routines completely changed. Even as I sit here and record this podcast, he would have been laying right behind my chair, taking a nap, or just being a good boy waiting for me to finish so that I could take him outside. Samson, you are greatly missed, buddy. Now, why did I share my sad sob story with you? Because one, I wanted to explain why I haven't been pushing out episodes as consistently as I have done in the past, and so I'm really sorry for that.

[00:09:49] We're all back on track now. Hopefully, I just really, this really shook me and, I, I was in no condition or, mindset to be able to deliver any kind of value to you. there are many recorded episodes that we have in the bank, but I just wasn't there even to produce them.

[00:10:09] So I wanted to, I share the story because I wanted to explain why that happened and also to let you know the reason, Where Samson's story can help you a little bit is to understand and realize that things can turn over. Seasons do change and things can look one way one day and they can look completely different another. 

Now, my story may seem like it changed in a negative way, which is true, but it can also change for the positive as well. And I know this because it happened in my relationship. You can make big changes through small actions and your relationship can potentially recover from your jealousy and look very different than it does today.

[00:11:00] Right now, it could be that the two of you are in the most exhausting cycle. I get that. 

[00:11:08] And some of you, when it's really bad, when there's been a really big disconnect because of jealousy, I have often heard, and I have been there myself, where you contemplate leaving the relationship altogether because you go into this catastrophe thinking, one, oh my gosh, I don't deserve to be in a relationship or I can't function in a relationship.

[00:11:32] It's too hard for me to be in a relationship and have this insecurity. I’ve been there, I've thought all those things. We also go into catastrophe thinking that, oh my gosh, the relationship is never going to be what I want it to be and there's too much damage here and all of those things that we start spiraling and thinking and then you want to make up with your partner. 

But your partner is still upset and then that causes even more anxiety because maybe they're not ready to have a conversation with you. Maybe they don't even feel like being around you at the time and that causes even more of anxiety within you and then the cycle just continues.

[00:12:22] But believe it or not, this doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed, and it doesn't always mean that there's too much damage to the relationship. Even if this has been going on for a while, I don't think there's a person in the world that would have believed that my husband and I would still be together today if they, knew us back then or judging from how we were back then.

[00:12:47] The key is in the recovery. I want to offer you some ways or thoughts on how you can shorten that recovery time after a jealousy fueled, episode or argument that you've had, because shortening that recovery time is really helpful essential and it does change how you can progress as a couple and how, the relationship can change. 

According to ForYourMarriage. com and PsychologicalScience. com, research indicates that couples who recover quickly from disputes tend to have higher relationship satisfaction. So, this doesn't even have to apply just when you've had your jealous meltdown.

[00:13:36] It can really be for anything but especially in what I know very well and, have actually gotten so good at me. We got so good at our recovery time The ability to disengage from conflict appropriately and then transition to, to other interactions really protects partners from the negative consequences of conflict spillover.

[00:14:01] So sometimes when we are in an argument about jealousy, what tends to happen is sometimes we start bringing other stuff in as well and it starts to spill over into other areas and that just creates even more You know more dissatisfaction in the relationship because maybe people start talking about each other's parenting or you know Who knows what other things can come out if you are in? sort of jealous rage like this.

[00:14:32] So recovery time is really important because one, we want to recover from the behaviors and from what happened, but we also don't want it to start spilling into other areas. And then it just keeps getting bigger and bigger. The other thing, interestingly, one partner's ability to recover quickly can positively impact the other partner. This is one thing I think my husband taught it to me first because he can recover quickly from a disagreement about anything.

[00:15:08] Certainly I think the jealousy ones took him probably the longest, but if there is a disagreement or, anything like that, to this day, he recovers. very quickly. He can go back to being normal so fast. It does take me a little bit longer, but when it came to my jealousy, it was one of the things like I noticed about him.

[00:15:30] And that was how I even tried to start doing it when it would be on me and I had some, huge Hulk explosion. I took a chapter from his book and okay, how can I recover from this quickly? One, because it's one of the most horrible feelings, that shame and that guilt that sets in all of that.

[00:15:50] It's just horrible feeling that way. So maybe I started trying to recover quickly for my own reasons, like for, Selfish reasons, but then I noticed how well, like how it changed the relationship and how different things started to go. the recovery time, I feel is so important.

[00:16:14] And here are some areas that you may get stuck or things you may be doing that aren't helping your bounce back rate very much. So, if you're trying to recover by apologizing. Or just trying to speak to your partner again, and they're not ready. What happens is sometimes you can get defensive. Like you might go into defensive mode again, because you said you're sorry, and they don't seem like they're accepting it right now.

[00:16:44] Or you go into, again, catastrophe thinking and start trying to get massive amounts of reassurance from them and saying really insecure things like, I know that you don't want to be with me anymore now, or I know you must hate me And those types of things just put more pressure on your partner and it's, more frustrating to them, typically, when it's “okay, you did something to me, you lashed out at me because of insecurity and jealousy, and now you're wanting even more from me, even more reassurance from me, as I'm still trying to process the disagreement, or I'm still trying to process the accusations, or I'm still, I'm just still upset?”

[00:17:30] I'm still ticked off. I don't want to talk to you right now. These kinds of responses, they're not going to get you to recovery. to a quick recovery very well and they don't tend to help the situation. When this happens and if you start to feel yourself like, oh, okay, I want that reassurance or I'm spiraling now in the guilt and shame of this, you just, you need to practice leaning on yourself and give your partner the time that they need to recover and realize it's just that.

[00:18:07] We don't have to go to the catastrophe thinking of all of the things that they may be thinking. And you know what? Maybe they are. Maybe those things are running through their head for the moment. When we're in arguments, we, if we're all being honest, sometimes we go there. Sometimes, whether it's you or them, if we're really ticked, sometimes we go there for a second. We might dip into that for a minute. But what's best is let them go through their process the way that they need to. And this happens a lot with fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. Holy cow, because the dismissive avoidant, they're going to take a minute.

[00:18:51] They're going to retreat. in this type of situation. So, if that's your partner, they're going to retreat. They need their time. They probably don't want to be around you. They probably don't want to talk to you right now. And that anxious part of you that's like, no, talk to me, talk to me, talk to me.

[00:19:08] It's a bit unfair because you have your own way of processing and getting over a disagreement or an argument, and they should be allowed to have their own way. And I feel like because we're insecure and because we're jealous and because of all the shame and guilt that comes along with it, we just want to latch on and we're trying to make it better as fast as possible, but again, probably for selfish reasons and to get that reassurance again. So, you know, stop doing the catastrophe thinking in that moment. You can help them cut recover quicker. and just come from a place of patience and understanding. there's no need to beat yourself up or call more attention to what you did in that moment.

[00:19:58] If you've offered a sincere, genuine apology, now you just need to give them the space to accept it and, get back to that close, loving, fun person as quickly as possible.

Here are a few other kind of generalized tips for recovering quickly, remember to use I statements when you're trying to maybe explain to them what was going on with you. You know, why did you turn green and explode or why did you shut down? The last thing. that's going to bring quick recovery is if they feel accused again, or if they start feeling like you're putting the blame back on them.

[00:20:44] So it's really important that in your apology, or if you're trying to explain to them what happened, that you are taking that accountability. And here's the thing, and this is hard for us to get over, whether they did something or not, that isn't for you. At this point, when you're trying, when you're in this recovery period, when you're trying to recover, that isn't for you to bring up again, let them process.

[00:21:13] Maybe they did do something. We don't know. chances are probably not, but. Maybe there's an occasion where they did do something. Let them come to that realization and apologize for their part on their own. This isn't for you to remind them again. So really try to use those I statement and you're taking accountability for your actions and for what you did and let the rest lay for now.

[00:21:42] Another general tip is to focus on the impact of your behavior rather than the intent. And again, this kind of goes back to, we start dipping our toe into blaming them again. I used to get tripped up because I wanted to explain my point of view. And the reasons that I behave that way in every single argument, and I think that left him feeling like I wasn't taking accountability for my actions, and I wasn't using it.

[00:22:15] I wasn't saying this is an excuse. I truly was trying to explain my position or what I had learned up to that point, or what I thought was triggering me or what I, where I thought it came from. I was trying to do that in every single argument and then it just became Oh my gosh, now it's even bigger.

[00:22:37] It's even more now it's into day two and we're still talking about this. So that's up to you. But my offering is I wouldn't at this point when you're in recovery, when you're trying to recover, I just, I wouldn't use that time necessarily, especially every time to have the big conversation about the why.

[00:23:03] In my opinion, and it's just that's, it's my opinion, it means nothing, but to me the conversation about the why behind your behaviors is for another day. It's for another conversation when cooler heads prevail, when even you can have more time to make sense of it. Especially if you're new to this journey, if you're just trying to start figuring things out and you're doing some self-discovery and starting to learn your triggers and your patterns, what happens often is we don't even know for sure.

[00:23:39] What we think about it or where it's coming from or what's behind it. So, give both of you some time and you can have that conversation at different time and not think of it like, oh, here, I'm dredging it back up again. Don't worry about that. usually in recovery is not, not always the best time to explain it.

[00:24:00] Now, can it be beneficial in some circumstances? Sure. I can remember two pretty big conversations that my husband and I had after a big meltdown that we had some pretty groundbreaking conversations where I felt like he It somewhat clicked with him, but again, I would try to do it all the time and it just didn't, it didn't usually land well and it almost put him back on his toes feeling like I'm just excusing it or trying to give an excuse. but I do think it's okay to bring up the topic another day and, maybe you start by saying, I've really been thinking about the way that I behave the other day, or I've really been thinking about the way I behave the other night or in that situation and been thinking about my actions.

[00:24:49] And here's why I think that happened. And followed up by maybe a plan that you have to address, one of the issues or one of the things that you did discover, what's the plan? How are you going to try to work on it? And maybe if there is anything that you feel like your partner could do to help. A partner's help in the heat of the moment is rare.

[00:25:16] Meaning, depending on how triggered you are, they may not be able to do anything in the moment to convince you of anything otherwise. But I know for me, when I was truly in that Hulk moment turning green, just stomping on the town, really coming unglued, there wasn't anything that someone could have said to me in a lot of those moments.

[00:25:43] I don't think there was anything that someone could have said to me to bring me down in that moment to calm me. But if you do think, and if for those situations where you're not quite so triggered, there may be things that your partner can do. If there's something that you think they could do to help, can to contribute, you can make that request again, make sure your request doesn't sound like, if you would have done this, or if you could do this, or if you did this, when you see that I'm upset, or if you did this different in that situation, then I probably wouldn't have gotten upset.

[00:26:16] That isn't a great way to approach it. It is, hey, could we try this next time and just see how it works? That's a request, right? It's again, you're taking accountability. You're just asking if they would be willing to try something to help in this situation. And if that person really loves you, most likely, they're going to be okay with that.

[00:26:43] And the last general tip that I'll share with you today to try to shorten the recovery is go on with your day like normal, as normal as possible.

[00:26:55] Go back to being your, the fun loving, easygoing, great side of you that you probably are most other times. Try to get back to that and go on about your day as you would as normal as possible. I know when this happens, you usually just want to be as close to your partner. You know, when you've had a big argument like this.

[00:27:18] I know that you usually just want to be as close to your partner as you can and just be in makeup world and you want to snuggle up with them and you want them to do something with you. Because again, you're trying to cling and get back to that loving feeling that you had with your partner. But if your partner just isn't quite feeling that or they're not doing the rebound immediately, and they're not giving you the big bear hug that you want. Your insecurity might kick in again, and it could create an argument on top of an argument. 

And I am absolutely speaking from experience here. And those are the worst. When you're trying to be in recovery, and all you want to do is snuggle and get super reassurance, and they're still kind of, like, they're not angry anymore, but maybe they don't feel like giving you the, like, they'll hug you, but 100 percent like they normally would, and then that insecurity kicks in again.

[00:28:29] You're going to start an argument on top of an argument. And like I said, those are the worst. So just go back to being you, just go on about your day. You will get the snuggles and the reassurance and all that stuff. And you can be close to them in a little bit but go back to being yourself and doing the things that you need to do.

[00:28:54] If you planned on going to the store that day, go to the store, still go to the store. If you planned on working out, still go to the gym, get back to your regular routine or do the things that you were going to do anyway, instead of trying to figure out how you can get as close to them as possible.

[00:29:14] And that way your partner won't feel the additional pressure to try to make you feel good about something not great that you did to them, right? Because if they're not there yet and you're wanting to snuggle and you're wanting to talk and you're wanting to be in makeup land and they're still not there, they're going to feel that additional pressure and it's going to potentially pull up like, are you kidding?

[00:29:41] What you just did to me and then now you want a big bear hug from me? I don't know about that. And that's okay. You don't have to make it mean this big, gigantic thing. It's just they're still in recovery and let them have their time. If you start doing the work on yourself, if you get one on one coaching or join the Behind Your Jealous Mind Bootcamp, if you seek other resources to help you with insecurity and jealousy therapy, whatever it is, and start putting in the work on your insecurities, and you can learn to recover quickly after you've fired off.

[00:30:21] You can have a very different relationship than what it is today. People recover, people get into new habits and new routines, and they can fall even more in love with you. I promise. As bad as it gets, if you start making the changes, remember, you can make big changes with small steps.

[00:30:44] If you start making small steps to change, your partner will most likely come along with that and humans, we can recover. We can get back to how we were. Sometimes you can get back to better. My husband and I are way better than we were when we first met. Even in all of the la la and lovey phase, we're way better than when we were then even.

[00:31:17] And trust me, we were in the gutter. we were very bad off for a very long time. And this went on for years. So don't beat yourself up. Get back up on your feet. Let's go. Go get it again. Don't keep putting yourself down.

[00:31:36] There's no reason to make it worse than it already is. I just wanted to give you a little ray of hope there if that's how you're feeling like your relationship is and just give you a few tips on how you can get to a quicker recovery. Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.