How to Stop Wondering About the Past and Worrying About the Future EP 41

Welcome to Top Self, the podcast dedicated to relax your mind, achieve change and become a healthier, more present you. Are you ready to move past the daily anxiety, comparing and doubting yourself and feeling like you're not enough? I'm your host, Shanenn Bryant, and I've ruined many good relationships because of my jealousy and stayed way too long in some bad ones because of my insecurity. But I stopped letting fear drive my actions and now I can't wait to share with you as I dive into these emotions, shed light on how they might be impacting your life and uncover strategies to break free from their grip. It's time to start living a life of confidence. So get ready to ignite your self-worth and transform your life because, my friend, you are worthy. Jealousy is never about the present. It's always about either the past or the future. The past, because this is where our triggers come from the brain mapping the connections, the tags we made from the experience that we had in the past that then make us protective about our futures. You want to ensure that whatever that was doesn't happen again. That feeling that you had, maybe when someone broke your heart, the emotional roller coaster you went through with an uncommitted partner, the deep-seated dysfunction from your childhood, feelings of abandonment, feelings of never being good enough to please your mom or your dad or both. You never want to experience that or feel that again in the future. For you, maybe, the future seems really scary. It's unknown, it's unpredictable in many ways, and quite possibly you have a scarcity mindset about the future. The future seems really frightening, terrifying, not exciting. The reason it feels that way is because you're looking at your future only from the sense that one big shoe is going to fall, right, that just waiting for the ball to drop, waiting for the shoe to fall. So of course we're not all that excited about our future if we feel like it's going to be like our past, if we're scared of it, if we're worried about it. It seems dangerous. You're using your past experiences to predict the future and it makes sense why, and that's a pretty natural thing to do. We've all heard the saying the past is the best predictor of the future. So of course you'd think that way. But that's only true because usually there's no action taken between the past and the present to change the future. So for the longest time I looked at my future as if I didn't have a say in it. It was like I was just along for this ride, and I knew it was going to let me down in some way, that it was going to continue to be hard, be painful. What I learned, though, was the way to change the future and be a participant in my future was to stop letting the past take me away from the present. I needed to be present to make the necessary changes that would ultimately change my future. You can't show up as your top self today and focus on what you need to to become aware of your insecure habits, to become aware of your bogus beliefs, to sit down and take the time and be able to focus and put your mind and your brain work into doing a lifeline exercise to see where those beliefs are coming from If you're not being present. You can't track your insecure habits or really focus on hearing the words of a really good podcast or absorb the information in a book that could change your thinking If your head is in the past or it's thinking about how you're going to prepare yourself for what might happen in the future. You can't focus on what you need to do today to make that change for your future If you're constantly going down the rabbit hole of the past or you're too worried about the future. You're going to continue to do the same habits and the same jealous habits and the same insecure things that you have been doing. I would do this when I felt really triggered or I was arguing with my partner, or I would allow myself to think things about the way I was raised when I started doing that. Whatever that doom and gloom thinking, I would send myself into self-destructing habits and I'm sure that you do the same thing. I don't know what yours are, but maybe it looks like just saying the meanest, nastiest, so not really you deep down things to your partner. Maybe that's something that you do. For some it looks like going out and getting drunk or some. It means that you, when you're feeling insecure, when you're upset with your partner, you call your ex to make yourself feel better. Or maybe you start flirting with somebody to try to make your partner jealous. Or you say, super, end, all, be all things like I'm moving out or I'm packing up my bags or I want to divorce, whatever those things are. As long as you are staying stuck and wondering about the past or protecting yourself from the future, your present is going to be filled with those insecure and jealous things that you think that you do and you say so. Being mindful and staying in the present helped me so much when I was trying to calm my insecurities and my anxiety. I got a little out of practice with it and I started doing it again recently, because I knew I wanted to talk about the importance of being in the present and mindfulness and how beneficial it is when it comes to trying to tackle these insecurities. I think because I don't go down those paths as much, I don't start really thinking about or having these old thoughts about the past, and I try to not look ahead so much in terms of being fearful, being worried, those types of things. So I think because I've gotten good at that not going too much down that rabbit hole it, just as I've said, if you continue to practice, then it just becomes second nature. So I think I was doing it, but it was just so habitual now that I wasn't aware, like I wasn't bringing attention to, paying attention into being present, if that makes sense. What I did realize recently, though, by bringing my attention back to being present and being mindful, is that it works in so many other areas as well. So this practice is not, you know, not just for one thing, is for the long haul, but it's certainly a great part, and can be a great part, of your self-regulation recipe. Now, you know I love a good acronym, so I've got a few of them coming your way to help you. Practice being present, being in the now and now N-O-W is what I'm gonna use for this. I used this when I was working through my jealousy, when I was working through my anxiety, as a way of quickly being able to snap back to the present. So when I started going down that path, that past path, or I started to do my scenario thing, where I run through all 50 different scenarios and 50 different possibilities of things that can happen in the future, about whatever it was that I was worried about, so I wanna share them with you. Anytime you start thinking old thoughts, like something that your partner did three years ago that hurt your feelings, or like what happened when he went out with his friends until the wee hours of the night three months into your relationship, or when you start thinking about how your life could be like if you grew up differently, or maybe if you hadn't made that mistake you know a lot of us really spend time beating ourselves up over the mistakes that we made in the past, feeling guilty about things that we did in the past. When you start heading down the past and thinking, what did she mean by that comment that she made the other day? Or I wonder if they ever did that with their ex. Or I wonder if they ever think of their ex. I wonder what their relationship was like. Anytime those types of thoughts come in, I want you to think of now in-o-w. Snap back to now. In-o-w meaning no old wondering. So no old wondering. In-o-w is the first acronym. When you start drifting off into the past and you start to feel yourself, go backwards and think about those types of things, pop back into the present. Anything that you can do to bring you to the present, and I'm gonna give you some things that you can do to take your focus off that, to get that train of thought, because we wanna shift the pattern. You know, just thinking one thought about oh, I wonder if him and his ex ever went there. And then all of the sudden, you've convinced yourself, or you've gotten yourself into a panic, that he's talking to her again or that he still is in love with her or she's so much better than you. Whatever it is, we do that stuff when we start to go down those paths. So if you start to go down the past path, snap back. Think of the acronym no Old Wondering Now being anxious about the future is also gonna keep you from being present and being able to have the mindset to focus on what you need to do today. It's going to rob you of any joy that you can be experiencing right now in the present. So for the second acronym, that has to do with forward thinking, future thinking in O-W. No onward worrying. When you start thinking about the future and you're trying to think of all the possibilities that might happen when he goes on his guide trip next month, or who's gonna be at the party this weekend, or worrying about what the new girl in his office might look like, or starting to visualize what's gonna happen when she goes and visits her friend in California in the fall, or if you start thinking there's no way that she's ever gonna be faithful to me for the rest of our lives. Trying to predict the future is impossible. We can't predict the future even though we think we can. Being afraid of the future is also not serving you. Remember, the thing that's gonna make your future the same as your past is if you don't change anything between the present and the future. And the only way that you can do that is to be in the moment, to get back to center, to get focused again. Being present is not only gonna help your racing and insecure thoughts. It's gonna help you concentrate on doing the work that needs to be done right now to change your future. Here's the beautiful thing I mentioned earlier. It helps you in so many other areas, just like coaching. One thing I love about coaching is most of the things that we do in coaching. It's not only gonna help you with your insecurities and your jealousy and your relationship, but it also, once you can change your thinking and once you know those things to do, you can take them not just in your relationship but also at work, in your other relationships and your family dynamics. If you're a parent, being present in learning and practicing how to get your mind back to the present, it's gonna help you show up for your kids in a big way, with a clear mind, only thinking of them and their needs and really enjoying them and seeing them. I wasted so much time I feel like with my son and I still feel a little guilty about that when he was little because I felt like there were a lot of times I couldn't focus on him. If I was in a relationship and I was constantly worried about that partner, I wasn't focused on my son like I should have been. My mind was usually just consumed with negative, anxious thoughts, and I remember my mom being the same way. How could my mom have the calmness to sit with me and work on math problems or making sure that I had the proper supplies for next week's field trip, or notice changes in my personality or my behaviors, when she was worried about when my dad was gonna come home and what might happen, worrying if he was gonna drive home drunk and get in a wreck which happened, by the way. Wondering if he was going to come home at all and her not knowing you know which she preferred him coming home drunk or not coming home at all? Those are pretty shitty choices to have going on in your mind and much more serious than my math problem. Honestly, a bit different situation. But jealousy can really pull you away from things like this as well If you're constantly consumed and you can't stay focused and you can't be in the present. You are missing life. So don't continue to let time go by and possibly let beautiful moments go by, because your brain is too busy protecting you from something you don't even know is going to happen. So how do you stay present in the now? I will tell you in just a sec. But first, thanks so much for sending your voice messages in about your favorite episode. If you haven't done so already, go to topselfcom forward slash podcast. Scroll down to the be a part of the show section and click record message, like this listener did, and I might just put it on the show Hi, shannon.

First of all, thanks so much for really everything that you're doing specifically around jealousy. My favorite episode I mean honestly it's really hard to pick just one, but I think your most recent episode with Dr Catherine Pittman about the amygdala in your brain the biggest thing that stood out honestly was and how to train or how to calm your amygdala so that you can just get a little bit more control. I really like the tips that she gave with the deep breathing exercises and making sure that you are on a regular routine. The biggest thing was the healthy sleep routine. Sometimes easier said than done, but even from my own experience, doing something as simple as running can definitely alter my mindset. So I can relate to this specific episode. I mean, I can relate to them all. But thanks for all that you're doing. This is my current favorite episode. I'm sure there will be more coming up.

OK. So how did I keep myself in the present in the now? Remember we have the two acronyms of the two situations that we need to be aware of when we're doing it. So no old wondering, that one's about the past, and no onward worrying, that's about the future. Anytime you feel your mind going to either of those two places, use this third acronym for now in OW. So the first step is the in notice Notice your thoughts without judgment. Remember how we judge without mercy not anymore. No judgment that you thought it, no judgment that you went back there. No big deal. You started thinking about what your ex did in the past. Or you started thinking about something that your current partner did when you first started dating. That seemed really sketchy at the time. That's OK, just notice that you got off track and don't get caught up in continuing that thought. And one way to do this is by observing your surroundings. So that's the O in now Observing, observing your surroundings. As soon as you notice you're going to think nope, no old wondering and no onward worrying. So I need to observe. The way to get your mind, the way to interrupt that pattern, is by observation. Start noticing your surroundings, start naming things in your head that you see, I see a dog. I see the legs on my desk, the color of the notebook on your desk. If you're driving, observe the license plate on the car in front of you, notice the color of the cars on the road, try to spot as many black cars as you can, just for a few seconds, just for a few minutes, to get you out of that pattern, and you don't have to do this for very long until you can really move into a present thought, something that is more appealing, like listening to a great podcast and what your host is saying, or listening to a good song. Or practice your car voice, which, by the way, if you're like me I mean I know I can't sing at all, but for some reason in the car, with the radio turned way up, I think I could be a viable possible winner for the voice. I'm just saying, yep, I'm pretty sure I sound just like Shania Twain when I'm in the car with her song on, with it turned all the way up. And yes, shania Twain, that is a blast from the country music past. So maybe you're not a country fan, that's OK, but whatever it is to get you out of that, to just get past that thought so that you can move on to present thinking, to fun stuff that you can think about in the present. And one way to create fun stuff fun present stuff to think about is the last one step. Number three in now N-O-W, so the W is words of gratitude. It is so easy to think negatively about our partner, our lives, the way we were raised, what we've been through, how tough stuff can be in your life right now. So words of gratitude are going to force you to bring to light all the things that are good, that are great, that you overlook, that you don't remind yourself of. I mean, for example, you're with your partner for a reason, probably many reasons. They're hot right, or they're super kind, or they treat you really well, or you love their humor, or they're very giving, or they're rich. I don't know whatever it is of the reasons that you love them, but we get so caught up in thinking that they're lying and that they're flirts or worried about what they're doing that you forget and you don't remind yourself of all of the great things about them. Also, use gratitude when you think about anything else outside of your partner that's going really well. Maybe you like your job a lot, maybe you have some really good friends, maybe you can be grateful that your dog's still around whatever those things are but pull in that gratitude to remind yourself of all of the good things that you currently have in your life right now. Those are the three steps on how to get back to the present, how to be mindful. Step one when you start wondering about the past or feeling anxious about the future. Then step one in notice your thoughts. Just notice that you got off track of being present and snap back to it by the second step, o observing your surroundings. Do something to break that thought pattern. And then the third step, w words of wisdom, bring it back. Instead of spending so much time thinking about the negative, let's pop over the positive and get going on that track. And if you want to go crazy with your thoughts on gratitude, that's wonderful, do that. I hope you enjoyed this quick dump episode of Top Self. Being present is such a key heart of this entire self-regulation recipe. So making sure that we know being mindful, being able to be in the present. Let's stop missing what's going on in our lives right now by focusing too much on the past and being too worried about the future. You got this and if you love this podcast, please share it with a friend or scroll down on the show and click the five star rating. I would greatly appreciate it. It's the way that other people who are suffering can find this podcast and join the community and realize that they are not the only ones going through this. So until next time, take care and remember you're not alone.