Identity Shifts Through Self-Discovery w/ Nichole Lee EP 46

[00:00:00] Podcast Intro: Welcome to Top Self, the podcast dedicated to relax your mind, achieve change, and become a healthier, more present you. Are you ready to move past the daily anxiety? Comparing and doubting yourself and feeling like you're not enough? I'm your host, Shanenn Bryant, and I've ruined many good relationships because of my jealousy and stayed way too long in some bad ones because of my insecurity.

[00:00:32] But I stopped letting fear drive my actions, and now I can't wait to share with you as I dive into these emotions, shed light on how they might be impacting your life, and uncover strategies to break free from their grip. It's time to start living a life of confidence. So get ready to ignite your self worth and transform your life, because my friend, you are worthy.

[00:01:00] Shanenn Bryant: Welcome back to another episode of Top Self. I have the very bright, cheerful, colorful Nichole Lee me today.

[00:01:11] Nichole Lee: I don't know why I just did jazz hands. Like, I don't know.

[00:01:13] Shanenn Bryant: Loved I loved it. 

[00:01:14] Nichole Lee: Mm hmm.

[00:01:15] Shanenn Bryant: Like I said, bright, cheerful. You, you just showed it right there. Uh, Nichole is an identity and life transition coach and holistic practitioner who supports individuals going through major life transitions rediscover who they are.

[00:01:33] And we're going to talk about that because I do feel like I'm going to dive right into it because I kind of joke and I joke with my girlfriends and even some of my clients. about not knowing what kind of eggs we really like, and there's a whole, like Julia Roberts, I think, movie even where she touches on it.

[00:01:50] Like, depends on who I'm dating. I don't know. I like scrambled eggs for five years and then all of a sudden I only ate omelets. So,

[00:02:00] Nichole Lee: Yep.

[00:02:00] Shanenn Bryant: I know you have been in the process of writing a book about some of this and really getting to the root of who you are and it's a really hard thing to do. So talk to us about that.

[00:02:12] How do we do it? How do I know what kind of eggs I like?

[00:02:17] Nichole Lee: Well, that is the whole piece of self discovery and, you know, it is so interesting because when I even think back to my journey of really digging deep in self discovery, it was getting to asking questions, right? It was becoming curious and having, um, a childlike mind around exploration. And I think as we go through this world as children, It's so great to discover and ask the question why all the time and pick up things and be curious about them.

[00:02:56] And at some point in time, based, I think on just our natural conditioning, our, our societal structure, people tell us to stop doing that, right? We go into a structure and format, whether that's tradition through family, whether that's tradition through the system of a schooling structure, whatever that looks like, it says, hey, don't be so curious. Here is the playbook, or here is the recipe.

[00:03:21] Shanenn Bryant: the answer.

[00:03:22] Nichole Lee: Here's the answer. Here's your recipe. Here's how you should like your eggs if you're from here, there, right? Like even when you think culturally about, I mean, I've traveled the world and it's like, oh no, this is how we eat them. This is how we eat them, right?

[00:03:35] And if you've gotten so, um, comfortable, And whatever that way is, it is very uncomfortable to shift out of that. So I would say, even when I work with clients, like, are you okay, or comfortable with shifting from asking questions "why" in judgment and asking questions "why" in exploration, discovery, and curiosity.

[00:04:00] Shanenn Bryant: Oh, say that again.

[00:04:04] Nichole Lee: If we can shift out of asking questions out of judgment and get into asking questions from a curiosity, exploration, and discovery perspective, then the answers start coming to us a little more naturally. We also can start to separate some of the belief systems that have actually been kind of conditioning the way we think about ourselves and even the answers that we give.

[00:04:31] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah, love it because that is the hardest. That's what we're fighting against constantly, right? Is this whole like, well, you know, well, this is the way we've always done it. This is the way that I've always thought. But, and you can see it sometimes when, I mean, it is like the first time, that somebody steps through that and actually sees something in a whole different way.

[00:04:58] Like, you can feel it. It's an amazing, thing to witness when somebody sees something completely different. Mm. Mm.

[00:05:05] Nichole Lee: Yeah. And it's beautiful to when, um, I'll go back to asking someone if they're in that level of comfort, if that's okay. I think we have to get to a space of giving ourselves permission to go there. Because what I've also found is, in order to have those epiphanies or to allow things to flow, I have to feel safe and trust, either in myself or whomever is there with me, that whatever I say isn't going to be judged.

[00:05:38] Shanenn Bryant: Mm.

[00:05:39] Nichole Lee: That it can flow and it doesn't have to be right or wrong because I think that's the other thing that comes up is I, I don't say what I really feel or how I really think because I'm afraid that it's not right. 

[00:05:55] Or it's not going to come out a certain way. So asking ourselves what that comfort level is of going there, I think is really important.

[00:06:05] And given I work with a lot of clients from a trauma perspective, that gives back some of the agency that was lost to begin with. So if I ask, are you comfortable with, or what level are you comfortable? I'm actually saying, hey, you have agency. of how far we go, how deep we go, what direction we go in. And I think that in itself activates something that says, Wow, I do want to go there.

[00:06:34] And whatever comes out is okay.

[00:06:38] Shanenn Bryant: So, being very, um, intentional on who you are asking these curious questions with, right? 

[00:06:47] 

[00:06:47] Nichole Lee: Yeah, I know with the work you do, sometimes it is having someone with you, whether it's a close friend, whether it is a therapist, a coach, whomever that is, because many of us have gone through spaces that being alone and discovering has been scary.

[00:07:04] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah,

[00:07:05] Nichole Lee: And then the answer comes out and you can have a visceral response, right?

[00:07:09] Something can be activated and trigger from your past that you didn't even realize was there, and now you're sitting with it alone. So I think it's also helpful potentially, depending on what your experience of background is, is to have that, that buddy or outside, professional to support in that discovery process.

[00:07:30] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah, for sure. Having that support is definitely important. Um, I love coming from that curiosity mindset. So we know we want to be curious. We want to ask questions to ourselves.

[00:07:42] Are there some specific questions that we can start with? Like what are things that we should be asking ourselves?

[00:07:50] Nichole Lee: Yeah, and I would say that I don't want to give this answer, but I will. It definitely, it definitely depends. The reason why I say that is we just talked about the differences in cultures and experiences, when it comes to trauma, traumatic experience, all of those things fold into where we can start on a journey.

[00:08:13] So, you know, some of the questions may be around childhood for some, like, what did you enjoy as a child? However, if someone had a very traumatic childhood and the things they enjoy were taken away, or they were punished, that's probably not a great place to start.

[00:08:31] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah,

[00:08:32] Nichole Lee: Right? If you, so it's asking once again where, but those things around what, or what lights you up now.

[00:08:39] Um, who's a person that you love, admire, trust, feel safe around? What are the amazing things that they say about you?

[00:08:49] So that's sometimes a place when sometimes we have to go outside ourselves with people that we trust and love to help start to uncover those answers. One of the other things is around sometimes it's great for people to talk about who they're not.

[00:09:06] I'm not this, I'm not that because then you start separating yourself and sometimes even coming up with, you know, someone tells you that you're, um, you're, you're difficult or something. I'll just use that and you're like, I'm not difficult. There's power in that because you're now separating from whatever that story was.

[00:09:26] And then that can actually say, okay, then what are you?

[00:09:29] Shanenn Bryant: Mm.

[00:09:30] Nichole Lee: I'm flexible. I'm so it just really depends on the person of, of where you go.

[00:09:35] Got it. So kind of like we do in dating, right? The best way to figure out what you want is to date a bunch of people that you don't, you know, go. I don't want that again.

[00:09:45] Nichole Lee: Yeah. And it's very interesting, right? Because sometimes for some that is where you start. You think about food. We don't like some of those experiences. Yes, for sure. In dating, you're like, I know I don't want that. Okay, let's let's move that and to it's interesting even on the dating side. When you even do it from that perspective, and you mentioned this about the eggs, even for myself, I had to look at patterns of what was really truly me, or how was I morphing and adapting to each person to the point that I lost myself in the process.

[00:10:20] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:10:21] Nichole Lee: That's when I could start also disconnecting and say, that actually wasn't me. That was me wanting to be this for that person.

[00:10:32] Shanenn Bryant: Man, it's such a hard distinction too. Especially after you've been doing it for so long. I mean, I think even whether you've been married for 20 years and you have children or you've been out in the single dating world for 20 years. I think you still it's just such a really confusing You know like am I doing this because I do want it, you know, I want to do this? Or am I doing this to please someone else or because I feel like this is what I have to do?

[00:11:05] Nichole Lee: Yeah, and I think that's where it's, you know, the time and space to do so. I think we also live in a world that is constantly telling you you need to be on and you need to be doing something and sitting still is not good and, it's lazy or whatever the negative connotations. So we get uncomfortable with just sitting with self to go through that process.

[00:11:35] Shanenn Bryant: So Nicole, I've been, I've been wanting to petition like a think day, like, well, you know, I wanted a national, whatever I,

[00:11:43] Nichole Lee: National, we have every other National Day.

[00:11:45] Shanenn Bryant: that's right. I feel like if, if we had like, Oh, thank goodness today is a think day, cause I've got some stuff that's been going on that I just need to figure out, but

[00:11:55] we don't have that. Are you willing to, are you going to sign with me?

[00:11:58] Nichole Lee: Yes, I, you know what made me think of like, National Unpack Day, National, like, just sit still day.

[00:12:05] Shanenn Bryant: There you go. Yeah.

[00:12:07] Nichole Lee: You're so right. Yeah, I mean, whatever it is, whether it's having the opportunity to think, sit, uh, reflect, connect. Yeah, you're so right. I'm signing that petition because it is, that's part of it as well, is you know, many times people are like, I would love to do that, but I don't have the time, the capacity to think through it.

[00:12:29] Right? So to your point, like, I, I can have it surface that I'm aware, but to actually go through the process of unpacking it or thinking through it or making the connections can be super overwhelming when you have so much going on in the world to begin with. And I do think that's part of the challenge of going on this journey. It is a commitment of carving out whatever that is. 

[00:12:54] And sometimes it's actually starting with five minutes, not a week, not a day. I've actually had clients where I'm saying, how can we make five minutes fabulous? What does a fab five look like for you? And one of my clients said, you know what?

[00:13:10] Getting up five minutes earlier, sitting on the porch and drinking my coffee in

[00:13:14] peace. 

[00:13:16] Shanenn Bryant: Could change your 

[00:13:17] Nichole Lee: know what I 

[00:13:17] mean? 

[00:13:17] Shanenn Bryant: right?

[00:13:18] Nichole Lee: You know how many epiphanies she had?

[00:13:21] Five minutes!

[00:13:22] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:13:24] Nichole Lee: So, yeah, I'm signing the petition whenever that comes out.

[00:13:28] Shanenn Bryant: Okay. So eventually we'll get it to a day, but we're going to start with five minutes. But I think that is good because we can fit five minutes in, even if it's while I'm, doing my hair in the morning or whatever it is, but I'm going to be intentional about this five minutes and I'm going to think about this particular thing that's been weighing on me or I just, I want to get curious about it and asking myself questions in these next five minutes about it and see what happens.

[00:13:57] Nichole Lee: Yes, and I love what you said, too, is, um, you know, many people journal. Switching a journal prompt to something like, What am I curious about myself today? Or what am I curious about my relationship with Shanenn that I want to discover? It's amazing when we do that based on our brain, it shifts to wanting to find evidence, to actually wanting to go on that little scavenger hunt to discover something. So if someone is journaling and they've been saying, you know, what am I grateful? Perhaps you say, what am I grateful and also, what do I want to discover new about myself or new about my relationship? Or I'm now open to see new things. What are those new things?

[00:14:41] Shanenn Bryant: There's a, I don't know if, who knows on Instagram or TikTok, who knows where it came from or where it is right now, but there's a video or something where They're talking about, um, how habitual we are and to your point in the very beginning like, this is just the way we do it. This is the way I put on my deodorant every day. I start with my right hand under my left pit. Well, like, whatever it is. But, it's silly, but to start yourself asking those like, going, Oh, how do I put on my deodorant? Do I do always do it the same way every single day?

[00:15:20] I start brushing my teeth the same place every morning. But at least it kind of gets those gears turning of how habitual we are and the things that we might be doing all the time that we just don't even realize.

[00:15:35] Nichole Lee: And our bodies, it's amazing. We don't really talk a lot about it, but our body has this amazing intelligence. And I believe that the way technology has evolved is actually looking at our body intelligence, because when you think of artificial intelligence, it's really data coming in, finding patterns and themes and replicating that in certain ways.

[00:15:58] Our body works the same way. So, we had to learn how to brush our teeth. After doing that over and over again, it goes into our little, you know, um, repeatable process, habitual process that is no longer needs to be conscious. We just do it. It's the processing, like a computer, right?

[00:16:18] And so, similarly to your point of even just saying, hey, um, I'm gonna switch from brushing... if you brush your teeth with your right hand, I'm going to switch to my left. That alone actually triggers things in the brain to be at a different level of alertness and start to shift patterns. So just like you say, if you realize like, Oh, I go under this armpit, I'm going to switch.

[00:16:41] It will actually shift your focus now because that's unfamiliar and it's different. You're actually more awake. You have a heightened level of awareness. So I love that you said that because something that simple can be discovery. And I love that you said that because also we think of so many things from a complexity perspective because we've also been conditioned to think that way.

[00:17:07] So if I can say what is one thing that I typically do habitually, then I'm just gonna shift it a little bit. Am I going to eat my potatoes before my salmon? I don't know, right? Am I going to curl my hair from the left to the right? Like, whatever those things are will actually start to activate to create the discovery process that is actually comfortable.

[00:17:34] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. 

[00:17:35] Nichole Lee: Sometimes more comfortable to do those patterns than to the thinking stuff that were the deeper stuff What happens then is your your body and your brain and everything gets evidence that you actually can discover And it actually can be fun. And it actually can be something that you can learn from because that's the other part that makes it difficult for us to shift is that discomfort and also evidence of how uncomfortable that was many times over that has a shift back into the familiar.

[00:18:07] So that's pretty cool. I like that hack of like something simple. You, you, you typically wear, we were talking about color. You typically wear a black jacket. Choose to wear a pink one, or a purple one, or a green one, and see what happens.

[00:18:19] Shanenn Bryant: Yes. Yeah. Okay. So don't wear a gray or black shirt tomorrow is what you're saying. We were talking before about how you're bright and cheery and I'm always in like gray or black or blue, so that's gonna be my challenge.

[00:18:32] Nichole Lee: Yes!

[00:18:33] Shanenn Bryant: What will change in my life if I wear green tomorrow?

[00:18:37] Nichole Lee: That, oh my gosh, and now we have to come back and tell people, because I have a feeling something is gonna change.

[00:18:44] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah, that's right. I mean, we're joking, but I think it is like, it's not about like, oh, discovering which, which side of, I put my deodorant on first, but it's triggering that just a little bit of difference and let's get in discovery, discovery mode, like you said, and then what's going to come out of that?

[00:19:03] Nichole Lee: Yeah, and it actually is. Physiologically, that's how our brain and body works. It actually snaps you into a different, it wakes you up because what we were talking about, particularly with habits, it's autopilot. We're running without having to be as conscious. And for those who may not be aware, you know, we're only in 5 to 10%. The rest of it is actually subconscious behavior. It is auto-programming. It is the conditioning. It's all those things that are just surfacing up for you to take action. So you're actually helping activate some of those things that have just been on autopilot for 10, 20, years.

[00:19:48] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Um, okay, so you have a wonderful podcast. You're the host of a great podcast called Transcending Identity.

[00:19:57] Nichole Lee: yes

[00:19:58] Shanenn Bryant: Beautiful, wonderful. Um, you talk about heart set balance. Mindset, and heart set balance.

[00:20:05] Can you talk about that? What is it? How do we get it? What do do?

[00:20:10] Nichole Lee: Yes, and I can't wait for you to be on the podcast Yeah, so Transcending Identity is all about stories of transformation transcendence and triumph. And really where it sparked from is me losing my mother and me going on this self discovery journey and recognizing that I needed to transcend identities that I was attached to, belief systems that I was attached to, and environments that were no longer serving me.

[00:20:37] So I wanted to create a platform to inspire others to do the same and tell their stories, but also get practical advice that will support them and being able to do that. The thing that you mentioned around, brain and heart coherence or connection. So many times we have been taught to focus on our mindset, which is really important and the brain and the sophistication of the brain.

[00:21:04] What's very interesting is our heart is actually the strongest electromagnetic organ in our body. And our heart actually speaks to the body and the brain more than the brain speaks to the body and the heart. So, when you think about times when we are disconnected from our thoughts and our feelings, that's out of coherence, out of harmony.

[00:21:26] We're battling, you can imagine your brain is battling your heart. Your logic is battling your emotion. 

[00:21:34] And there's a level of disruption there. Right? So, coherence is about aligning your thoughts and your emotions, aligning your head and your heart, and allowing them to come together in unison to support you in balancing your, your thoughts, your emotions, your, your physical being.

[00:21:56] Shanenn Bryant: Yes, because our brain is actually pretty lazy, right? I mean, that's why we're running on autopilot. It's like, how can I go to the quickest? Which is where our habits, you know, it's, it's why it's like that because, okay, let me just go to what you always do because that's, I can serve that up really easily.

[00:22:11] Nichole Lee: Yes. And that part too, to your point, it's, it's, it's more of a processor, right? It's processing information. That's why I use a bit of the AI because when sometimes we think of when we have thoughts, they're artificial in a sense, they're real to us, but it's based on whatever's come in that it's processing to bring out.

[00:22:30] Now, the thing that's interesting, uh, particularly when you talk about emotion and the heart. And based on studies, we have memory in our emotion, emotional memory, right? And so when we think when we're just focused on the head and we're not focused on where that, that energy is sitting in the body is why many times it's difficult for individuals to move forward.

[00:22:54] So I know that there have been clients that have worked with me that have gone to therapists and therapists are amazing, right? This is not a discount for therapy. Therapy is very important. However, they had gotten to a point where the talking piece... they had gotten past that. That was enough. What was important was connecting to what was happening in the body, where they were feeling those emotions, where it was stuck in the body, what was going on in those spaces.

[00:23:23] And so that is what's called somatics. That's going back into the body. When you start to connect your thoughts to those pieces, then you can actually release that energy.

[00:23:36] Shanenn Bryant: Okay. 

[00:23:37] Nichole Lee: That's the piece that is, I find really important when if any individual is saying, Hey, I know what's been going on. I've thought through this.

[00:23:47] I've worked through this. My question would be how much have you worked through it in your body?

[00:23:52] Shanenn Bryant: Okay. So let me, can I give you an example and maybe we can talk through it. So, especially with somebody who is suffering from extreme jealousy, this is something where, um, when they experience it comes on, I mean, they get triggered and it comes on and it comes on strong and most of the time the feedback and the language that I hear to describe it as like, It's just this outer body, like I cannot control my thoughts.

[00:24:19] I can't control what comes out of my mouth. I can't control my actions. 

[00:24:24] Nichole Lee: Yes. Mm 

[00:24:25] Shanenn Bryant: and just even experiencing jealousy on an ongoing basis, like me, I know because I'm used to like, okay, where am I feeling it? And I get it very strong in my throat or in my jaw. 

[00:24:37] Like I can feel my jaw tightening.

[00:24:40] So a lot of people will say, Oh, it's really sick at my stomach or my 

[00:24:43] Nichole Lee: Mm hmm. 

[00:24:44] Shanenn Bryant: tight. My heart was pounding. So in those situations where 

[00:24:48] Nichole Lee: Yes. 

[00:24:49] Shanenn Bryant: like that, what can we do? Walk us through, like, how do we then make that connection with, getting to the, to the heart of it 

[00:24:58] Nichole Lee: Yes. Yes. And so, so what is helpful is one, that level of awareness of what's happening in the body because what I found is there's typically a disconnect. It's more of like, I get upset. I do some things. I'm not sure. Right. So slowing down enough to say, okay, I was triggered by X. I felt it in my face. Okay, great.

[00:25:22] What I would ask for a particular person is based on their comfort level. Can you sense and feel, is that the pattern that it always happens there? Yes. Do you recall the first or second time that that was happening? Cause what I find is there is a memory, emotionally, that is tied to that trigger. This comes back to trauma.

[00:25:48] Trauma sits also in the body and the mind. So when you go through that process of saying, yes, I remember the first time we'll just use someone say you were cheated on, right? I remember the first time I was cheated on and I felt it there. 

[00:26:05] Okay, so we have an implant of a memory of your body finding its way to regulate itself by giving you a signal that the same experience that happened is happening to you now.

[00:26:19] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:26:19] Nichole Lee: What happens is you disconnect from your current reality and you go back into that memory and you go back into that person. It's part of the reason why your body then goes into, whether you call it fight or flight or I'm unsafe mode, you don't see the person before you. You see that memory that's still held in, in, in you.

[00:26:39] Shanenn Bryant: Mm.

[00:26:41] Nichole Lee: That's the connection between the brain and the body, or the heart, is recognizing the memory. You know better, but your brain and your heart are saying, When I am unsafe, I'm still subconsciously triggered in the same way that that happened to me before. This is the response to get out, to feel safe, to regulate.

[00:27:03] So that's a piece that I think is important because now we can say, Okay. Let's find the way that we go through releasing that from the body and helping you regulate. Sometimes that's through, um, meditation where it's visualization of you connecting to the person that you felt imprinted 

[00:27:25] or implanted in you.

[00:27:26] So that you, yeah, so that you can gain some of your power back. Some of your confidence back that you can visualize yourself releasing whatever's happening there because once again, it's the emotional and physical element of that that you're actually holding that the other way can sometimes be through elements of breathing.

[00:27:46] So, if, if someone has used something in the past that regulating themselves through breathing exercises, that that calming nature starts to tell the body that it's safe. It can relax. It can go back to a reset. And typically after that, there's a reflection point. What was in this trigger that now I can connect to, that sparked that?

[00:28:08] Now, is that the same as the time that that happened before? No. Now you start reframing and giving yourself back the power to disconnect from that. that event or experience. Um, so those are a few things. And then some are actually allowing yourself to physically work through it. I've had clients where we work through screaming.

[00:28:34] We work through yelling it out because I will tell you typically when it's in whatever area of your body, there's typically some connection. So when it's in your face, when it's in your throat, there's some element of not being able to express yourself.

[00:28:49] Shanenn Bryant: Powerful!

[00:28:51] Nichole Lee: And that energy is being held there because you feel hopeless.

[00:28:56] You feel that you did not have that expression. And your body is telling you that it wants to release that from that space. If that's the case, then we work through actually whatever you wanted to say. If you wanted to yell. If you wanted to curse. If you want to shake your body. But that is your body telling you, I need to release something from that area.

[00:29:18] Shanenn Bryant: Mm hmm. 

[00:29:19] Nichole Lee: So, that's without knowing the particular person, but those are three methods that I've leveraged with clients, um, whether it's jealousy, envy, abandonment, any of these things where we feel disconnected, um, and when we think about jealousy or even envy, there's typically some detachment of feeling loved, cared for, taken care of, right?

[00:29:39] I mean, that's, that's why we're either trying to hold on something or we want to take something from someone else because we didn't have it.

[00:29:46] Shanenn Bryant: Ugh. So, so powerful. I appreciate you walking through that because, and I will tell you, I had to hold back a little bit of emotion because when you were 

[00:29:56] talking about when we feel it in the face, Or the throat, it's, you know, we felt like we didn't have a voice or whatever. And, I've always felt my jealousy in my jaw.

[00:30:06] And so it just very much lines up for me that, oh, okay, ding, ding. That makes a little bit of sense of why I might feel it there. So, thank you so much for sharing that. I, I think

[00:30:19] it's very powerful for someone to go back and think where did this come from?

[00:30:25] You know, I'm feeling it here. Where was the first time that I felt this? And then as you said, reframing that so that we can move away from and kind of disconnect is probably not the right word, but get, you know, get some distance between, okay, it is different. This isn't the exact same thing. And so understanding that this is a bit different.

[00:30:47] Nichole Lee: Yeah. And, and the thing that's been powerful for me in, in this process, is many times the, the reason why we sometimes hold on to that is because we really weren't validated in it. And though we've talked about it and though we've expressed it, there is a difference of feeling, whether it's validated, affirmed, whatever the language that, that feels good to you of actually being seen in that moment in saying.

[00:31:13] However you felt. You know, um, I know there's a lot of, of commentary around not being a victim, um, and whether we call it not being a victim and recognizing being victimized. I find that many times, particularly, um, working with women is not really feeling that scene. And, and. Acknowledging that something did happen to them, that it was that important, that it was that serious.

[00:31:46] And I think sometimes there is a misconception that because women, women are more expressive, which I found that depending on the woman and their background, they actually have not been given the liberty to fully express themselves. And they're holding on and silently suffering similar to what we sometimes hear with men.

[00:32:06] And when that's the case, Then just freeing yourself to be able to do that is so important. And I found that being able to do that one or two times starts to actually clear that much faster than several conversations. and that is from the energy work and understanding somatically what is happening into our body and how we, we hold those things.

[00:32:31] Shanenn Bryant: Mm hmm. Yeah. Oh, so good. Thank you so much for sharing that. And I do know what you mean by, not having or feeling like we can share it or we have that voice to share because, I think sometimes, yeah, we just. We hold that in, and I know, even for me, I would think, and I, and I think maybe a lot of people do this, of, well, there are other people that had it worse.

[00:32:58] Other 

[00:32:58] Nichole Lee: Yes. 

[00:32:59] Shanenn Bryant: things happen to them, so then it makes you feel like, I don't really have any, I don't have anything to bitch about, like I don't have anything to 

[00:33:07] complain about because mine wasn't as bad as a lot of other people, 

[00:33:12] Nichole Lee: Yes. 

[00:33:13] Shanenn Bryant: change what happened.

[00:33:15] Nichole Lee: It doesn't end your trauma. Your feelings, your experiences are yours and they are important and they are valid and they are natural and you're right. And I think because the outside where there's so much comparison, there's so much of the balance of, you know, being there for others and balancing that.

[00:33:38] And, you know, there are these other things that are happening to other people. So why should I care about myself? You have to start with yourself. And the more that. We stopped comparing those types of experience, traumatic experiences and honoring that it impacted us. It's so important and it, it, the data shows that when you do that, even with children, right?

[00:34:01] Um, are those experiences are different. I remember a story of, say, a building was burning, right? And one child is so close. Say it was, um, they're in the classroom and their experience of fire up front. right to them. It can feel very traumatic. They're feeling the heat. They're feeling the connection. So once that's all said and done, they actually are working through that experience because they were so close to it, the impact it had versus another child that may have been a little bit farther away.

[00:34:35] And they were excited by the blaze, by the fire, by the same experience. 

[00:34:42] Or a child, they were right next to each other and one thought it was exciting because they love explosives or whatever the case is. They're in the same place with a different experience, with a different response, and they can still be honored for those experiences.

[00:34:56] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:34:58] Nichole Lee: and I think that sometimes once again, I go back to children because once again, for whatever reason, with our conditioning and how things happen is that for some reason as adults, we're not allowed to have those same types of experiences. And that's why I go back to the child, not childish, childlike.

[00:35:18] Because if a child in a healthy environment shared that story, we would comfort them. We would say, of course the fire was too hot and it was very close. But as an adult, Shanenn, you should be over that. I mean, you figured this out. What's going on? Just move on. Why are you looking through their phone? Like, all of these things.

[00:35:40] Create a level of guilt and shame compounded by how you already feel about yourself.

[00:35:45] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. You're an adult now. Get over it

[00:35:47] Nichole Lee: You're an adult now. Sorry.

[00:35:49] Shanenn Bryant: Mm hmm. Yeah,

[00:35:51] Nichole Lee: It 

[00:35:51] doesn't work that way. 

[00:35:52] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. 

[00:35:53] Nichole Lee: that way. So

[00:35:54] Shanenn Bryant: Oh my gosh This has been so amazing Uh, we have definitely learned so much. We've learned a ton from you today, so thank you so much for sharing, Nichole. Happy to have you on Top 

[00:36:07] Nichole Lee: Self.

[00:36:07] Thank you for having me. I so appreciate it.