It Makes Perfect Sense You Feel This Way EP 77

This week, I wanted to do a follow-up episode to last week's episode with Dr. Eddie O'Connor. Because man, I thought it was such a great episode. I don't do this very often, but the reason I'm doing it is his message and my message are very similar. It resonated with me so much. And it reminded me that I need to talk about this more, this idea that you being jealous makes perfect sense. 

You're not crazy. You're not nuts. You're not, you know, all those things that maybe you're being told. I don't think any of that is true. You had something happened to you or maybe many somethings that happened to you and your brain did what it's programmed to do. Survival and efficiency. And it makes sense. It went, oh, we've seen this before. 

This is this. You know, if a then B, if B then C. And it puts it together and it serves it up to you very quickly. 

 I talk about being kicked out of therapy. Maybe you've heard the story, but. I got kicked out of therapy. I was so frustrated. I couldn't figure out what I was like, what the hell, you know, here I am going to see her because I'm insecure and I couldn't figure out why my relationships weren't working and. You'll why am I picking the wrong people? 

And why am I sabotaging? And I was really trying to figure out like, what is wrong with me? And then she dumps me. She says, I'm too much or saying, you know, It was beyond her expertise. Which to me felt like a nice way of saying there's no help for you, or I don't want to help you. I have no idea how to help you. 

You are crazy. You know, all those things. 

And it just reinforced that original belief I had about myself that I'm not worthy. 

But the problem was I was trying to fix the wrong thing. Like one, I was trying to fix something. I was trying to fix what was broken about me. That's the way I thought, you know, what is broken about me and when you're trying to solve the wrong problem. You're never going to solve it. I was putting my energy and my focus into the wrong thing. 

And so getting kicked out of therapy was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Because, two things. One, 

I don't think my husband and I would have bonded so much over the experience had that not happened. 

And two. I wouldn't have had a reason to look inside myself or to go, okay, well, I guess you're going to figure this out on your own. You're going to have to fix your own problem because no one else's. 

You know, I felt like no one else is going to help me. No one else understands me. And at the time, that felt really, really true. 

It's interesting that I fell into coaching many years later because. That is what it is. 

 I can guide others and I can help them understand the right thing that they should be trying to. Transform or put their energy into and change their focus. Versus the thing that you might be trying to solve right now. A lot of times we go into it and go, I'm trying to figure out what's broken. So I can figure out how to fix it. 

And so one, it sounds like two problems. Like what's broken about me. Which just leaves you feeling very hopeless it might make you feel more insecure. 

And then too, like, okay, well, once I do figure out what's broken. Then I have to figure out how to solve it and that feels very daunting. And I think that that's why sometimes it just takes us so long 

to master this or to feel like we can manage this, because again, we're putting our energy and our focus into the wrong thing, but we're feeling like there's something majorly broken. 

We don't even know what it is. And then we certainly don't know how to fix it. And so I love coaching for this. You have all the answers inside you, you have what it takes. You have what you need. Sometimes you just need someone to guide you or point you in the right direction or remind you where to put that energy and that focus. 

And that's what a coach does and what a coach is for. I wish that I had somebody who could have guided me at the time, because it did take me a very, very long time of trial and error and what works and what doesn't work. And is this the right thing? And I'm still learning things that are 

 That are making this process much more understandable. And a little bit smoother and more step-by-step versus certainly when I was trying things, it was just all over the map. Like, okay, let me try this and see what works. And then it would take forever for me to figure out like, okay, 

Is that making the situation better? 

Is it making the situation worse? What happens if one time it works and then the next time it does it. So, um, you know, I think there are just a lot more things that we have now to help guide and support you. So, if you have tried to do this before and tried to do this work before. 

 you could have been at the similar place that I was when I was in therapy of, you know, I got to figure out what's broken. 

And so I get a question a lot from my one-on-one clients from the groups. Is. Well, what if I stop looking, they're talking about snooping, you know, cause that's one of the big things like snooping into your partner's phone or their email or their text or even asking them questions a lot. Like, well, what if I stopped doing those things and I miss something? 

 I wasn't paying attention before in my previous relationship or when I was laid back and calm and not worried about it. 

That's when it happened. I wasn't worried and then my last boyfriend cheated on me or, you know, I wasn't worried at all in my marriage. And it was such a shock that she cheated on me. 

Or, I watched my mom cheat on my dad for years, or the neighbors just split up because he had a girlfriend on the side. Whatever it is

that you are, are taking this information in and processing it, and then you're feeling jealous and insecure and nervous about it. It makes sense that you would, but then you go to your friends and your family and you say, gosh, you know, I'm really, I'm really worried about this happening. My partner's gone on a weekend trip with the guys. And I just can't, I'm just so anxious. 

I just sitting on the couch and I'm crying and I'm nervous and I'm drinking a bottle of wine because I'm just so nervous that he'll cheat on me or that he'll do something. And your friend and your family member goes. . Why would you, what a work yourself up like this over something that hasn't even happened. He's just on a guys, trip doing guys things there's nothing to worry about. 

He hasn't ever done anything this whole time. You guys have been together for so long and He hasn't done anything. Why would you spend all this time worrying? You're going to drive yourself. What? Crazy. That's what they say. You're going to drive yourself crazy. 

You could drive yourself nuts. 

Well, you know what there is to worry about. 

Is. People cheat. 

And that's what Dr. O'Connor was saying last week in the message too, is it happens and that only does it happen, but it's happened to you. 

That is why you are feeling that way it has happened. And it happened to you. Now not everybody processes at the same. And you will hear people say all the time. Well, I was cheated on too, but that was somebody else. I'm not taking that into this relationship. Okay. That's the way that they're working. 

It doesn't mean you're broken. It just means that it's different. You're just processing it different. But the idea is like, well, there's reason. To maybe be anxious or there's reason that it's there is because it's happened. People cheat. And it happened to you. 

It reminds me, you know, I was in a robbery. 

I talk about this too. I was in a robbery 20 something years ago. My son was only three. And I purposely don't remember the date because I don't want that stuck in my head every year when it comes around. I mean, I know the time of year it was, but I don't know the date, so, and that's intentional. And I even have the paperwork from when it happened. 

I just don't, I just don't look at it, but you may have heard me talk about this before I was pulled back into the gas station and had a gun pushed to my forehead so hard that I had the imprint of the gun on my forehead. I was thrown to the floor. They went through my purse. There was so much screaming. 

 They were yelling at the cashier to open the safe. One of them was guarding the door. 

It was just like, you would see, like on ID channel, we call it spooky TV around my house, but just like you would see on spooky TV, it was the same thing. It was the scariest moment in my life. I mean, I thought I was going to get shot in my head. 

I thought I was going to leave my three-year-old son and leave my mom, knowing that it would crash her. 

And I was only 28 or 29 at the time. So, I was still in my twenties. And here I'm thinking all. That's it. Like, this is all I get to live. This is all I get to do. 

I mean, it, it was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me and months after I was afraid to close my eyes because I would have nightmares when I would try to sleep, but I was also afraid to keep my eyes open. Because when I was awake, it was just, I was thinking about it, and I was reliving it and it was replaying over and over in my head. Just like we do when we create these. You know, stories when we're feeling jealous, except for this one really happened. 

And I was reliving it. I couldn't go to an ATM or inside a gas station without getting really anxious and nervous and having a lot of those same feelings. I was afraid. And if I would have went to a friend and family member, which I did, but if I would've went to them, you know, whoever at the time, and I would say, Ah, you know, I just, it's really hard for me. 

I just get so scared. And I get really nervous. Anytime I walk into a gas station now, or any time. I go to a gas station at night. I don't even want to go in. And you know what they would say. They go well, yeah, I mean, of course she would feel that way. Of course you're afraid. Totally understandable that you would be afraid. It makes sense that you would be afraid. 

That's what they would say to me. 

And, and that is what they said to me. You know, how can I help? What, what can I do to make it better? How can I comfort you? Maybe you need to see a therapist or find a group of people that have experienced this or find someone that you can talk to about it. What are the things that could help you sleep? 

Like here's some recommendations on ways that you could maybe get some sleep. And everyone was there. So supportive right there, offering support and understanding and suggestions. Because it's an easier thing. To make sense of. 

But it's the same thing. 

But if I said, or you say. I've worried that my partner might cheat on me on this guy’s trip. It's often not taken the same way. Or if I would say I get nervous and I feel threatened when I'm at Walmart and the stress happened by the way. Um, this. These two. The ladies in line in front of me. But. You know, if I say, uh, it makes me sick at my stomach, I start to feel anxious when they're 20 somethings that are in line in front of me. And they're wearing just a string bikini tap, and they've got their short shorts on, and their butt cheeks are hanging out the bottom. If I would say that and say, that bothers me, or I feel insecure or I feel threatened. 

People will go why. Get over it. Like they're going to come and sleep with your boyfriend right there. And Walmart, you know, those that, that's the kind of stuff. That you might be hearing from other people. It's all though about our experiences and what we're exposed to and how we process those things. 

And here's the wild thing for you know, after, after a little while after the robbery, I didn't, I didn't get nervous anymore going into gas stations or stopping at a gas station at night for the longest time. I didn't even think about it after even a few months of it happening. Now, I will say it's been coming back for some reason. 

I noticed this maybe the last couple years where I do start to feel a little triggered. I'm not sure why. I think maybe COVID and all the wild stuff that was going on during COVID. Kind of. Triggered or sparked that kind of the world is dangerous belief. That I had after that happened, but. It's the same thing with your jealousy. And it's, it just really frustrates me when I know that there are people out there that are telling you you're crazy or you're nuts, or it's so silly to be thinking that way. No. That is your survival brain working the way it should. If you were cheated on. Once or several times, or you saw it happen with your parents. It makes sense that you may feel jealous. Not all people will. 

Some people can go through that same experience and they're not going to be jealous. It just depends on how your brain processed it. But my point is if you listen to what others are saying in terms of like you're nuts and you're crazy, or you're broken, or something's messed up in your head. All of that. 

I hate it. If you listen to all that. And just think, uh, well, That's just the way that I am. You're going to give up. 

Are you going to think something's broken? About you. And maybe you're going to keep trying to solve the wrong thing. And if you keep trying to solve the wrong thing, you’re going to keep feeling this way. 

And I don't want that for you. It doesn't mean that you're broken, even if you've tried before to overcome this thing and it didn't happen. Or it didn't happen as quickly as you wanted or didn't happen in the way that you wanted, or you didn't make as much progress. That's okay. 

You just have to figure out what you need to put your energy into. 

if you want to find out how I can help, make sure you schedule your free discovery call. Of course, the link is in the show notes, but let's start looking at the right thing to solve for. Jealousy is not the problem. It's a solution or a symptom of something else it's telling you. There's something more. To look at. 

And so, we can take a look at that together. And put our energy and focus into the right thing. 

Until next time, take care and remember, you're not crazy. You're not nuts and you're not alone.