Overcoming Jealousy with a New Prospective EP 37

It's here! Today is the first day of the Top Self podcast. 

 We are officially no longer the Jealousy Junkie podcast. While I will miss it and it'll take some getting used to, I'm so excited about this and I’m glad the day is finally here.

, I'm going to share with you a little bit of the pain that I went through to make this come to fruition and talk about how this relates to changing your perspective on jealousy. 

I'm excited for this change and I hope you are too. On to the show

[00:00:38] Shanenn Bryant: Welcome to Top Self. The podcast dedicated to relax your mind, achieve change, and become a healthier, more present you. Are you ready to move past the daily anxiety, comparing and doubting yourself, and feeling like you're not enough? I'm your host Shanenn Bryant, and I've ruined many good relationships because of my jealousy and stayed way too long in some bad ones because of my insecurity.

[00:01:10] Shanenn Bryant: But I stopped letting fear drive my actions, and now I can't wait to share with you as I dive into these emotions, shed light on how they might be impacting your life and uncover strategies to break free from their grip. It's time to start living a life of confidence. So get ready to ignite your self worth and transform your life because my friend, you are worthy.

[00:01:38] Shanenn Bryant: As most of you know, I've been working on switching the podcast over from Jealousy Junkie to its new name, Top Self. And let me just tell you, my patience has definitely been tested. My blood pressure has been through the roof, like I could feel it in my chest and my brain still hurts.

[00:02:05] Shanenn Bryant: From new artwork, new company logo, changing the intro on all of the episodes, to setting up a new domain and new email address, changing links, updating the website. It's, it's been a lot and every time I would fix one thing, it would break something else. 

[00:02:26] Shanenn Bryant: And during the third time, over several days with support, I got a technician and went through the whole long story with them. You know how you do. You know the drill when you call a doctor's office or utility company or a hospital, whatever it is, and you give the whole long story and then they transfer you to someone else, and then the new person like has to start from scratch they have no idea. 

[00:02:58] Shanenn Bryant: That's what it was like every single time. But then, As I would go through it each time, the story got longer because, okay, well first we did this and then that didn't work, that broke this. So then we had to go back and this is what we did the second time. And then by the third time I'm like, okay, this is what we did the first time.

[00:03:17] Shanenn Bryant: This is, it broke this. This is what we did the second time. It broke this. Now the third time, I am on chat support with this new technician and technically it was really the fourth time, but I'm giving grace for the first time because it was a small reach out. But the third time of really setting something up, spending an hour to two hours setting something up only for it to not integrate or break something else.

[00:03:49] Shanenn Bryant: So the third time I'm, I'm in live chat with the technician. I went through the whole story 

[00:03:56] Shanenn Bryant: I get done explaining all the previous steps that had been taken and they were checking into it. I could see the little dots where they're typing back, and so I'm like, okay, great. This is the answer. We're gonna get going. This is where we're gonna start to fix it again. I see the little dots and all of a sudden my power goes out.

[00:04:18] Shanenn Bryant: There was a storm at my house, a horrible storm, and my power went out.

[00:04:27] Shanenn Bryant: Lost of course power, internet, certainly my conversation with chat support on the computer. I was pretty much, in that moment ,at my limit. I was probably beyond my limit. I don't know if you ever get this way, and I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit it, but sometimes I cry when I get really frustrated. Like I hate to do something twice first of all. I hate that. If I have to go back and do something over, it just drives me bananas. And this was now the third time of doing something over, and each time it takes, you know, an hour, hour and a half, two hours, just depending, because it takes so much time to do the setup.

[00:05:17] Shanenn Bryant: So, Sometimes when I'm really frustrated and I feel like I'm giving a hundred percent effort and I'm spending the time and I'm following all the steps and doing everything the way that I should, and then it doesn't work. Sometimes I cry out of frustration I was so close to just having an absolute.

 temper tantrum. But then I knew I need a new perspective on this whole situation and knew I really needed to coach myself on how to clean up my thoughts around this because I could tell, not only was getting frustrated not going to help the situation, but also I could tell physically that this was not good for me.

So I knew I had to get a different perspective and I realized, you are not putting pressure on me to get this done in any type of timeframe. You can still listen to the podcast and hopefully get value and get information regardless if my website or my new email address is working or if you see the new artwork.

It's just kind of ridiculous the situation that I put myself in. Like you are not putting any pressure on me to do any of that. You're not visiting my website right now constantly, unless you're a client and that's how you go on your portal. But my old email was working and we did have that situation, but you're not living on the website right now.

Now hint, hint, you may be soon for blog posts, videos, courses that you can take, but as of today, you're not suffering or not getting the help you need because my website's not working or because my new email address, that you don't even know yet ,is not working. All this stress and frustration and sleepless nights I put all of that on myself. I was the only one bringing in negativity around this exciting time. It should be exciting and it is exciting. It is just, it's a lot of work, but I know it's going to be great in the long run and you are not putting that pressure on me. No one else is but me. 

 Which leads me to the topic I already wanted to discuss with you this week, and that's changing your perspective. What could changing your perspective about jealousy do for you? Have you thought much about how you feel about jealousy?

Last week on the podcast, Dr. Jolie Hamilton and I touched on this idea a little bit of considering the way that you think about jealousy. There's a really good chance you feel embarrassed by it. There's also a really good chance you feel as if you don't have anyone to talk to or not many people to talk to about it.

 In what way could you think differently about it? What actions could you take to be more open about your jealousy to not give it so much meaning about you and keeping it so big? So just like me, I was keeping this situation so big. 

Yes, I have to get this stuff fixed, but it's not a huge problem. Now I know that jealousy is and does feel like a problem for you, I know that your partner is probably frustrated with you about it by now, and that makes it feel really big and overwhelming and a very negative part of you and your life.

. What if you considered how you contributed to making it such a big deal? What if instead your approach was like, "Hey, just like everyone else, I have some things that I'd like to be better about, and for me, one of those is jealousy

 and here's what we can do to help me win at this."

What if you went into it with that type of attitude, like, Hey, yep. I get it it's a problem

[00:09:39] Shanenn Bryant: I'm owning it, I'm working on it, and. thinking through it, here are some ways that we can work on it together to help me win at this.

[00:09:47] Shanenn Bryant: Just that little bit of change in the way that you talk about it. When we talk about accountability and that it's ours to manage, 

[00:09:58] Shanenn Bryant: you might only be thinking about this in a negative light, and most likely you are, but you can also have ownership in the sense of just like, yeah, I know this is about me.

[00:10:11] Shanenn Bryant: Not to make light of it or as a way of feeling that it's just okay to do the things that we're doing, but. couldn't it just be like, yeah, I, I probably will always have a tinge of this, but I'm working on it and 'm certainly focusing on the times when it really gets to me and it's causing issues in our relationship. That's what I'm focusing on. I'll probably always have a tinge to this. That's me.

[00:10:38] Shanenn Bryant: This might look very different from the way that you're talking about it now, of like, I know I'm, I'm horrible and I'm sorry for being such a mean person and I'm, I'm trying so hard and I don't want to be this way, and maybe I should just be alone and I, I don't really deserve to be in a relationship.

[00:10:58] Shanenn Bryant: Maybe I don't deserve this, clearly don't do well in relationships because I don't know how to fix this. That's a very heavy weight to carry around. And when we make it that big and it feels this big and it's interfering with our daily lives, we start to think it's a huge part of who we are.

[00:11:20] Shanenn Bryant: We talk about it so big and so dramatic. We just do.

[00:11:26] Shanenn Bryant: When I was working on my extreme jealousy and I was focusing on those times where it was really big, I had to create a visual for myself that it wasn't all of me. There's more to me than my jealousy. 

[00:11:44] Shanenn Bryant: and there's more to you too. Yes, it was a negative factor in my relationship and in my life, but the more I changed my perspective to think about the other parts of me, it lessened the weight of how big the jealousy felt.

 This thing would bog me down so much, but I had to start thinking, well, wait a minute. Everyone has something that they can or maybe should work on, and this one is mine, . but I also bring a whole long list of positive things to the table to the relationship. 

[00:12:23] Shanenn Bryant: My guess is that you love hard and you give a lot and have many, many other things that you bring to the relationship. So a really great exercise to do is to write down all those things. Don't just write them down and that's it, but write them down and look at 'em every day. Every day, at least while you're working on this new perspective of jealousy, at least while you are focused on how I get through making it feel so big in my life.

[00:12:59] Shanenn Bryant: So, go through. What else do you bring to the relationship? There's so much more to you than just this jealousy, but when we're in that negative loop in our minds, when our thoughts are always racing and our stomach hurts all the time and we're nervous all the time, it feels all consuming. It feels like that's the only thing to you, but there's so much more.

[00:13:22] Shanenn Bryant: So, do the exercise. Go through, write down what else you bring to the relationship. You don't have to share that list. You don't have to go to your partner and go, yeah, I know I'm jealous, but look at all these other things. It's for you. Like have that list. Look at it every day as an exercise of trying to change your perspective about the way you think about your jealousy.

[00:13:44] Shanenn Bryant: The other thing I did was pick a place on my body, and that's my jealous spot. Again, I, I need visuals. So, when I'm feeling really bad about my jealousy and I start thinking that it's all consuming, I think about my small jealous spot. I remember my list. And all the other things that I bring to the relationship, and it helps me to get back to focusing on how to tame it rather than thinking it's too big.

[00:14:15] Shanenn Bryant: Because when we're in that mindset of like, this is too big to handle, that's when we shut down. That's how I felt the other day. Like, oh my gosh, you should see my list of things that I want to get done and that are gonna be required to switch this whole thing over to the new podcast, to the new website, all of that.

[00:14:35] Shanenn Bryant: It, it takes a lot. If I continue to look at, this thing is so big, I, I'm gonna, I'm gonna crack. And it's the same with your jealousy. If you keep thinking, it's so big, you keep coming from that perspective, it's going to be harder. So, pick a place on your body and that's your jealous spot to do that visual for yourself.

[00:14:58] Shanenn Bryant: Like, yes, okay. I have this one. You know, I have this mole on my arm, and it drives me crazy. I don't like it and so that's it. Like, that's my, that's my jealous spot. But overall, it's not everything about me. It's not the first thing that someone probably notices about me.

[00:15:18] Shanenn Bryant: I'm very focused on it right? And same thing with your jealousy, because of the way that it makes you feel, because it's something that you so desperately want to overcome because it affects your relationship, because it makes it hard for you to concentrate at work. It is so big, and it feels so big.

[00:15:40] Shanenn Bryant: Change your perspective and shrink it down. Shrink it down. Find a place on your body and that's it. That's the place.

[00:15:49] Shanenn Bryant: Another new perspective could be changing, the feeling of embarrassment about it. This was really hard for me in the beginning. when this idea came to do the podcast and I had people asking like, tell me more about your experience. I've never heard anybody talk about jealousy that way. The more I talked about it, the easier it was to talk about it, the less embarrassed I got about it.

[00:16:21] Shanenn Bryant: Getting that new perspective about being embarrassed. Maybe coming from this place of embarrassment is what's keeping you feeling even worse about it. And we've talked here many times about how conversations with some friends about your jealousy may not always go well. They don't always understand why you're so bent out of shape and

[00:16:43] Shanenn Bryant: they may say that they don't feel like there's any reason that you should be upset. But is it because of the way that you're approaching the conversation? Like the way that you're talking about it. Our good friends want nothing but the best for us. So, if you are coming from a place of, I can't believe I got so upset again, this is what he did, or this is what she did, and I can't believe they did that 

[00:17:08] Shanenn Bryant: And it made me so mad, and I acted like an ass, and I just hate that I'm like this. And now he and I aren't even talking. Like most likely our friend goes into the, how do I try to make this better for them?

[00:17:24] Shanenn Bryant: Do I, I tell them how off they are about being upset about it because there was nothing wrong with what their partner did? Do I try tough love and tell them to just get over it and stop being upset about it? Do I say that I agree and that I do think their partner was wrong and should be treating them better most of the time?

[00:17:47] Shanenn Bryant: They'll go to desperate mode to make it better for you in some way. And it doesn't always come out that way. It may not seem like that when they're being harsh or they're giving the that tough love, which is why conversations with friends about jealousy is difficult, especially if they don't experience it themselves.

[00:18:06] Shanenn Bryant: Because they're going into that make it better for them mode and they're not really sure. So, it could come out in high strung ways and exaggerated ways because you're so hyped up about the way that you are talking about it, and so they're going to match you there. If you're trying to look at things from a new perspective, think about what you want out of the conversation.

[00:18:30] Shanenn Bryant: What are you wanting from that friend? Do you want their objective opinion? Like do you want their honest opinion? Trying to separate knowing you and potentially knowing your partner do you want that objective opinion? If you do, tell them upfront that this is what you want, and if that's the case, then do you need to remove some of that heat from your story as you tell them what happened to allow them not to be swayed, you know, back into the panic mode of trying to make it better for you. 

[00:19:04] Shanenn Bryant: So, if you're coming with that hype, then they're probably gonna match you there. But if you tell them like, hey, I'm gonna do my best to like tell you what exactly happened, and I'm just looking for an objective opinion from you. Just tell me, what you think about this situation. so not only do you want to do your best to remove emo emotion from the story.

[00:19:28] Shanenn Bryant: But remember the episode on lies, like the lies that we tell. Remember to tell the full truth, which means don't, uh, like don't amp up your partner's tone of voice when you're telling the story, when you know that it was just maybe like how you perceived it.

[00:19:51] Shanenn Bryant: Just give the facts. We tend to do that a lot. Like if we're telling a story to our friend and we're hyped up and we're emotional, we probably are making what they said or how it started or what happened. We're probably exaggerating it a bit. 

Not intentionally. 

[00:20:12] Shanenn Bryant: but if you're human, of course, you want people to choose your side, so if you are really looking for objectivity, be careful with your storytelling, and make sure that you're only giving the facts and you're giving stuff exactly how it played out. 

[00:20:30] Shanenn Bryant: Of course, though, there are times when calm and clarity aren't easy. So maybe you're calling your friend because you just wanna rant, you just wanna vent to them about the situation.

[00:20:45] Shanenn Bryant: Is that the goal of you calling your friend maybe you just want them to cheer you up and have a few laughs? Like you feel like shit. You just want them to like just, I need to have some good laughs with my girlfriend about this, or I just need to call my buddy and, just have a good laugh.

So, if trying to uplift your mood is the goal for calling your friend, tell them that. Tell them, I just need you to cheer me up a little bit. I'm spinning and I really just need a good laugh and to get out of my mood. Your friend will want to do that for you and is probably less likely to go into how they think you're being silly and overreacting or try to have some serious conversation with you about it.

[00:21:32] Shanenn Bryant: Try thinking about the intention of the phone call and what you need then to communicate to your friend. 

[00:21:39] Shanenn Bryant: But also, if you don't want to call a friend or you've worn your friends out, which I did, many of them. Or if you feel worse sometimes after you talk to your friend, talk it out in the Facebook group. That group could really use someone who takes the first step, takes the initiative to say, you know what, I am going to change my perspective about being embarrassed about talking about this.

[00:22:06] Shanenn Bryant: This is a whole group of people that share the exact same thing. They share the same experience, the same thoughts. Some of them are doing the exact same actions as you. So, take that first step and help others too to, to start talking about it, to get over the embarrassment of talking about it. I try to keep low key in that group because it's meant for you and for others that are just like you as a place to chat and to share and to uplift each other and start letting go of the embarrassment that you've tied to jealousy.

[00:22:44] Shanenn Bryant: I mean, share funny memes. We could all use a good laugh and a pick me up. I mean, we're struggling, right? You're struggling. I'm sure if somebody posted a nice, you know, uplifting meme, that would be great to see. Just like, okay, I needed a quick little laugh today. So, it doesn't always have to be heavy and looking for what somebody else would do in that situation, it certainly can be. And we've got some very loving people in that group that hopefully, um, you know, can, can make you feel a little bit better, but it doesn't always have to be that way. 

[00:23:26] Shanenn Bryant: Maybe it's a supportive quote or just tell your story. Take that first step. Maybe it's the first time you're really talking about it out loud. Some people aren't even telling their friends because they're so embarrassed about it. So, take that first step. change that perspective of being so embarrassed about your jealousy that you don't wanna talk about it.

[00:23:49] Shanenn Bryant: That you feel like you're going to be judged. 

The jealousy junkie Facebook group is a great place because everyone in there is just like you. Most everyone in there is experiencing. This extreme jealousy or they've struggled with it in the past. 

[00:24:06] Shanenn Bryant: This change in perspective is exactly why I changed the name of the podcast. I'm changing the website, changing up some of the stuff that we're doing, and you'll see all of that gradually come out.

 The main purpose is to get you out of that jealousy, junky kind of heavy feeling and be able to open up about the conversation a little bit. 

[00:24:27] Shanenn Bryant: What else can we talk about that's gonna be beneficial to you, that you can also share with a friend? All of us suffer in some way a little bit with insecurity, or we have something, as I mentioned, an area we wanna grow in. So, whether that be, uh, your career or your relationship, or just this jealousy thing, but this opens it up for us to get new perspectives and have new conversations. So, make more intentional actions when it comes to your jealousy by changing your perspective about it. 

[00:25:07] Shanenn Bryant: Until next time, take care. And remember, you're not alone.