Stop These 5 Lies and Prioritize the Truth EP 33

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: Information shared on this podcast, or any associated platform is for informational and entertainment purposes only, and is in no way intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

[00:01:05] Shanenn Bryant: One of the biggest struggles you may experience is not knowing what to believe or

[00:01:11] Shanenn Bryant: how to trust yourself. You have a hard time trying to figure out if you can believe your partner's story, and you question, am I feeling this way because I'm jealous? How do I decide? I need more information. It's really that uncomfortability of feeling like you don't know what to believe or what to trust in, and I'm sure you think if you could a hundred percent believe what your partner says to you, like if they say, I wasn't fantasizing about that person. I wasn't checking them out. If they really were where they said they were and that they wouldn't cheat on you. If you could know for a fact that all of that was true, whatever your partner said to you, if you knew for a fact, if they were lying to you or not, your life would seem a lot simpler, right?

[00:02:14] Shanenn Bryant: I know you think that's true. However, the truth is you get so caught up in if your partner's lying to you, but you lie to you all the time. You lie to yourself all the time. You lie on your partner all the time. One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is tuning in and becoming more self-aware.

[00:02:41] Shanenn Bryant: Not only is it one of the best things that you can do, It is really a necessity for personal growth.

[00:02:51] Shanenn Bryant: If you want that growth, you have to become more self-aware. And when you do, I bet you're gonna discover a whole lot about yourself that you didn't realize. A whole lot of habits that maybe you didn't realize you were doing. And even if you consider yourself a very honest and trustworthy person, which I'm sure you are, 

[00:03:12] Shanenn Bryant: I bet you're gonna uncover that you're also a big old liar. I know you don't mean to be, and you're not malicious in the same way that people lie just to lie, or people lie to get out of things. Or they lie just because they're a bad person. No, you're not a bad person for the lies that you're telling. You just probably don't realize them. You may not know that you're even doing it. You certainly probably don't know how it's affecting the way that you're feeling and the way you're responding to things in life.

[00:03:46] Shanenn Bryant: It's so easy to do. And I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna point out something that I did in the beginning. 

[00:03:53] Shanenn Bryant: Maybe you missed it when I did it, and I bet you are missing it when you do it too. So earlier I said, "all the time", all the time you're lying to yourself. I said, you lie on your partner all the time. Maybe you noticed that I said it, maybe you didn't, but I wanted to show you how easy this is to use these 100% blanket statements.

[00:04:19] Shanenn Bryant: This all or nothing that we do. It just flows out of our mouth and it's in our thoughts. It's often unrecognized. You don't know that you're doing it or saying it

[00:04:30] Shanenn Bryant: but this generalization in these blanket statements is very detrimental. And there are five big areas that we lie that we're lying to ourselves, that we're saying a lie that doesn't allow us to process things the right way.

[00:04:49] Shanenn Bryant: We have to watch these things that we're saying, and we have to be careful of the lies that we're telling ourselves and that we're thinking in our heads. And there are five big areas in your life that you're lying, so let's talk about 'em. 

[00:05:07] Shanenn Bryant: The first one, you lie about your partner, you lie on them so much.

[00:05:15] Shanenn Bryant: You're so worried, like I said, you're so worried about the lies that they're telling you, but you're lying on them all the time and you don't even think about it. Probably not even realizing it, and no, it's probably not hurting them too much, but it could be hurting you. Because it's affecting the way that you're responding.

[00:05:32] Shanenn Bryant: So let me give you some examples of ones that I hear. So some of the all or nothing phrases that I hear often are: when we go out, he never pays attention to me. He's always talking to other people. He never compliments me or notices me, but he notices every other woman. Another one, she never shows me affection. It's like she's not even attracted to me anymore. So when you do this, this blanket statements, this all or nothing, you're not giving yourself all the information or the accurate information. So of course, you're confused when you're trying to make decisions.

[00:06:11] Shanenn Bryant: How can you make good decisions when you're, you're making these big, sweeping statements and you're saying all the time, and never and always, et cetera? You're missing the times where that's not true. So then as we do, of course, we get all confused in our head when we're trying to make decisions.

[00:06:31] Shanenn Bryant: You know, is this a good partner? Am I ignoring signs? Is this a warning sign? Is this just me being jealous? How are other people in their relationships and how are they handling that? All of that stuff. All those things that you question. Of course, you're confused. And part of that confusion is because you're not even allowing yourself all of the accurate data to process things properly.

[00:06:56] Shanenn Bryant: You're lying on them. You're not being truthful about your partner. And just like in the professional world, when you don't input good information into a computer, your reporting's gonna be off. Garbage in equals garbage out. Same thing. You are potentially not even processing the right information. Your end result could be off if what you're putting in is off.

[00:07:23] Shanenn Bryant: I can't tell you what decisions to make or if your partner's the right partner for you. It's not even about that right now. This is about you getting better at gaining clarity. And clarity doesn't always mean that you know exactly what to do now in the moment or you know exactly what to do in this situation.

[00:07:42] Shanenn Bryant: Clarity can mean simply logical, and consistent, an orderly mental grasp on what's going on. When you use these blanket statements, we're not being honest about our partner or about the situation and what we're telling ourselves.

[00:08:01] Shanenn Bryant: So, the number one lie is that you're lying on your partner. When you use those phrases like always, And never, 

[00:08:09] Shanenn Bryant: you're just using those blanket statements. And 99% of the time it's just not true. It isn't true that they never compliment you. Maybe they don't compliment you as often as you're seeking, but it isn't true that they never do, in most situations.

[00:08:27] Shanenn Bryant: And if they never do, okay, well, yes, maybe that is a different conversation, but most likely it's just not as often as you would like. So you could say rare. You could say they rarely compliment me. Okay, maybe that's more accurate. But to make any kind of decisions or process information, you have to have good information there.

[00:08:50] Shanenn Bryant: You have to have honest information. So the number one lie is lying on your partner. And we really wanna get to a place where we're telling the truth, we're thinking the truth, we're making sure that our thoughts are true, and the statements that we're saying, so stop using those blanket statements and tell the truth. Tell what is accurately going on.

[00:09:16] Shanenn Bryant: Okay. The second lie you may be telling yourself is a lie about your efforts. Your effort in making changes. Brene Brown has a really great quote. I just love it. Her quote says that everyone wants transformation, but nobody wants to change. Everyone wants transformation, but nobody wants to change.

[00:09:40] Shanenn Bryant: It's so true because it really is a decision that you have to make over and over again day after day after day if you want to change.

[00:09:52] Shanenn Bryant: Here's an example. and we talk about this a lot, where you may have those jealous moments where you just feel completely outta control, like your body is taking over, you don't know who you are, it's an automatic response thing. Okay, let's set those aside.

[00:10:07] Shanenn Bryant: But I know that there are those moments when you start feeling a little jealous. You've, you've locked onto something that they've said and you wanna make your snide comment. You want them to know that. you're onto them or that you caught it, or that you're questioning it, or maybe you have that urge to ask them the same question that they answered three days ago.

[00:10:32] Shanenn Bryant: You have a choice in those moments to change. You have that decision to make in the moment. There may be times where it's necessary for them to answer a question that they've answered in the past or for you to set a boundary or for you to dig into something maybe. But I would guess that there are times when you already know that it's not necessary to bring it up and you're just doing it to do it just in case. 

[00:11:04] Shanenn Bryant: I legit have done this so many times. It could be a situation. 

[00:11:11] Shanenn Bryant: where I've thought in my head, I actually don't think he did anything. I don't think he cheated on me when he was out of town for a work trip, but I still make the decision to act crappy or to make a snide comment or to say something in the moment just in case there's a slight chance, any chance, that he did. 

[00:11:37] Shanenn Bryant: and I bet that you've done that too, where you don't even think it's actually true, but just in case he did, I'm gonna act crappy. I'm gonna make a snide comment. I'm gonna question. I'm gonna put it out there so that it's one of those where like just know that I know or just know that I think it could have.

[00:12:04] Shanenn Bryant: When you make the decision to do that, but then you say, well, I've, I've tried everything and nothing works. I'm trying, I'm giving this a hundred percent and I'm just not getting any better. That is lying about your effort. I've tried everything and nothing works. I'm never gonna get better at this.

[00:12:23] Shanenn Bryant: You are lying about the effort because you had a choice in those moments. And I know that you've experienced it where it's a little slower than the other one in, you know, slower than that automatic response where we feel like someone's taken over our body. There are also probably just as many times where you have time to think about it and you actually are thinking about it in your mind of, do I say something or not?

[00:12:54] Shanenn Bryant: I know I shouldn't say something. I know it's probably gonna cause an argument or I know what they're gonna say. And then you make the decision to do it anyway, to make the comment, to treat them different, to go cold on them, whatever it is. You make that decision to do that and then you say, oh no, I'm really trying. I’m giving it my best. I'm giving it my effort. 

[00:13:19] Shanenn Bryant: No, that is lying about your efforts. Um, because here's the thing, I know I get why you do it. I a hundred percent get why you do it, cuz it feels like you're protecting yourself in some way. Like, well, at least if, you know, I want him to know that, or I want her to know that I, I, I'm onto it or that I'm at least not stupid. We always wanna protect ourselves from not being stupid or caught off guard.

[00:13:50] Shanenn Bryant: I get it. But here's the thing, okay. Let's say you make the snide comment. Most likely you have an argument and three years later you find out they actually did cheat on you. They did cheat on you on that work trip. Well, what did your comment change? What now? Now all of a sudden you don't feel bad.? You're not hurt that they cheated on you because, well, you know, I made the snarky comment when I thought maybe they did, when I thought it was a possibility, I made the snarky comment.

[00:14:22] Shanenn Bryant: So, okay. I don't actually feel bad. They knew that I maybe, you know, that I knew. They knew that I was onto them, that I potentially knew. No. It changes nothing. You don't feel any different or any better. You most likely will go back to that moment and go, I knew it. I had a feeling. Well, no you didn't, because the other 1700 times that you've said that to a partner or that you've made the comment just in case.

[00:14:56] Shanenn Bryant: Well, they may not have cheated on you. It isn't that like I knew better. It's a habit. It is a habit that you're doing, so it's not gonna change anything if they did. The only thing that does make, you know, making that decision, the only thing that does is prevents you from enjoying the present. It's not gonna protect you anymore in the future.

[00:15:21] Shanenn Bryant: So, if you were like me and you make those decisions to go ahead and say the thing or give them the cold shoulder just in case, then you may be misreading your true efforts that you're putting in to make changes. You may be misreading the effort you're putting in. 

[00:15:43] Shanenn Bryant: Really consider if you are giving it a hundred percent and. If you do try something and it doesn't work, okay, that's okay. No judgment. Or if you go, you know what, yeah, I have made that decision several times. I went ahead and said it, or I gave him the cold shoulder for three hours.

[00:16:04] Shanenn Bryant: Okay. That's okay. Just be honest about your efforts. I might be at 80% effort right now. I might be 50 50. Sometimes I do use tools and techniques and it ends up okay and then the other half of the time I just say F it and I do it anyway. Okay, that's fine. No judgment. Just be honest about your efforts.

[00:16:32] Shanenn Bryant: Just know where you are on the effort scale. BE aware of it and don't forget about that tool or that technique, or to get the motivation to then maybe try again later. So if you're at 50%, okay, great. My goal for the next month is to get it 60% or 80%, and maybe more times I'll make the decision to not say it, to not treat them poorly.

[00:16:58] Shanenn Bryant: The third lie that you may be telling yourself is about what's really standing in your way of putting in the effort to make the change. You have maybe a lot of reasons. You have a challenging job that takes up a lot of your time.

[00:17:14] Shanenn Bryant: You have a family that takes up a lot of your time. You're dealing with drama. You maybe are caring for an elderly parent.

[00:17:26] Shanenn Bryant: What I want you to consider is, okay, yes, I have all that going on. Is that though the reason that I'm not making these changes or I'm not putting in more effort to make the change or I'm not putting in the time to do the work. Is that really why? If you have little children at home or you travel a lot for your job, whatever the situation is,

[00:17:53] Shanenn Bryant: are those the reasons for it? Is that really what's standing in your way? And I only say that to consider sometimes, you know, maybe we don't wanna do the things that we know we're gonna have to do if we really put in the effort. Like maybe we have to go back and think about our childhood. Maybe there are some really uncomfortable, painful memories there that you just aren't yet ready to tap into, and sometimes it doesn't require that.

[00:18:28] Shanenn Bryant: Sometimes maybe for you, it feels like it does. Maybe you're just not ready to do that. Or maybe it's thinking about that relationship that was really tough for you, that caused you a lot of pain, and you have just put it out of your mind. You don't wanna think about it, you don't wanna go back there.

[00:18:45] Shanenn Bryant: You don't wanna feel those feelings again. So you put off really dedicating the time and energy it takes to do the work because you don't want to go back there. You don't wanna have those feelings. You don't wanna experience those things. The other thing that it may be that's actually standing in your way instead of the kids and the family and the job.

[00:19:11] Shanenn Bryant: It could be that you're afraid to fail. Maybe you've tried in the past and it didn't work out well so you're afraid to try again because if you fail again, you start thinking that you're just doomed for life to be this way. You're afraid of that failure. So, if you never really give it the full effort, then there's always that chance or that possibility that you can fix it later.

[00:19:39] Shanenn Bryant: This is where we end up, where it's five years, 10 years, 20 years. I hear from people that are in their sixties and seventies that are still dealing with jealousy and insecurity in their life because they just kept saying, I, you know, I don't, I don't wanna do it right now. I don't wanna do it right now. I am not gonna give a hundred percent effort quite yet, because I don't wanna fail, because I don't wanna look at that stuff ,because I don't want those memories to come back up. I don't wanna feel those uncomfortable feelings. I'll give it a hundred percent effort later.

[00:20:19] Shanenn Bryant: So think about what is really standing in your way from going all in a hundred percent. Is it really the family obligations, the job, the whatever is going on? Whatever you're telling yourself. Is it really those things or is it fear? what's really standing in your way? That could definitely be a lie that you're telling yourself, which kind of goes along with the fourth lie of the lies you tell yourself about your own ability to change. 

[00:20:57] Shanenn Bryant: So, if you're listening to this podcast, I would guess there are times where you wonder or maybe tell yourself that you don't think you can get better, like you don't think you can have the life that you wanna have. Even just beyond getting over the jealousy thing.

[00:21:12] Shanenn Bryant: Maybe you're telling yourself that you don't have it in you to change. If that is the case, you are lying to yourself about your own abilities.

[00:21:23] Shanenn Bryant: You may be having the thought that someone else has all the answers. Like someone else has uncovered the secret answers that you don't know that they must have something special that you don't have. That's not true. Now I'm thankful and I appreciate you listening to the podcast and more than that, I hope that it's actually helpful for you, 

[00:21:48] Shanenn Bryant: But I certainly am no different than you. I'm not better than you. I don't have some super magic formula or powers. Nothing except I started thinking that I could change. You know, now I know a quicker way. I have the process down. I have the steps down. I know what it takes, but in the beginning, I wasn't any different than you, except I really started to believe that I could change and that I was worth the change.

[00:22:22] Shanenn Bryant: I started to believe in myself. That's it. That is where it has to start. If you fall off course, that's okay. Just pick yourself back up when you're ready and then start believing in yourself again. No one said that you have to get it right the first time, or even the first 10 times. If you get it wrong 10 times, okay.

[00:22:44] Shanenn Bryant: It doesn't mean that you're never gonna get it right. I know that that can feel frustrating when you've been working so hard and you are actually putting in a hundred percent effort, and then you have a slide back, or you have something that happens where you're like, ugh, I cannot believe I did this again. I can't believe I feel like this again.

[00:23:05] Shanenn Bryant: It's okay. You need to process what happened, s earch for the things that you could do differently and better next time, and then start believing in yourself again. Hey, this is part of the process. I know I'm not gonna nail this on the first try, and that's okay.

[00:23:25] Shanenn Bryant: It doesn't mean that there are other people who are at the place that you wanna be that did it right, that you know they got it wrong a ton of times. Most likely, they had struggles along the way. They told themselves at some point that they weren't capable, but then they decided to believe that they were, and they decided to believe in their own capabilities.

[00:23:51] Shanenn Bryant: Your thoughts create your actions. If your thought is that you're not capable, your actions are going to reflect that, that you're not capable. So if you're lying to yourself and you're telling yourself that other people must be some special snowflake, they're not. They're not better than you, they're not more special, it's just not true.

[00:24:12] Shanenn Bryant: They just started believing in themselves, and then they put one foot in front of the other one positive action in front of another positive action, then another positive action. That's it.

[00:24:23] Shanenn Bryant: Which leads me to lie number five, and maybe the biggest, most impactful lie that you're telling yourself is you take a situation or a comment or something that happens, and you make it mean something about you. Maybe someone was unfaithful to you in the past. Maybe someone wasn't a good friend to you.

[00:24:49] Shanenn Bryant: Perhaps you had a crappy parent, or both parents were subpar. You had a partner that gaslit you or abused you, or just someone who makes a rude comment. Often you make that mean something about you, and that is a lie. It's just not true. Not even close to true. But we're wired to go negative automatically.

[00:25:13] Shanenn Bryant: So, you wanna be really careful about what you tell yourself when someone else does something to you. Like resist that urge to make it mean something negative about you. We all do it. It's easy to do, but resist making it mean anything. If your partner cheated on you in the past, that's about them.

[00:25:33] Shanenn Bryant: It's not you're too skinny or too heavy or too blonde, or you don't make enough money or your house or whatever. It's none of that.

[00:25:40] Shanenn Bryant: One of the biggest gifts I gave myself was the realization that the way my father handled his role as a father meant nothing about who I was as a person. Did I potentially learn some bad habits and protective habits? Sure, yeah. Did I not learn things that could have been beneficial to me as an adult?

[00:26:04] Shanenn Bryant: Did I pick up some some bad behavioral characteristics? Sure. Yes. But it didn't mean that I was a bad person or that I was doomed for failure or not smart enough or fill in the blank with whatever you're telling yourself. For so long, I made his inability to be a good father and the lack of know-how to be a good father that he had, I made it mean something about me. And that's a lie. Same thing for you.

[00:26:38] Shanenn Bryant: If unfortunately, you had parents that didn't show you love and that didn't act as if they cared for you, that doesn't mean that you're not worthy of love. It doesn't mean that about you. And that's the beautiful thing about self-awareness is once you become aware, then you have options. Once you're aware, you can make different choices and you can certainly talk differently to yourself and not make it mean something about the person you are, about who you are as a person.

[00:27:13] Shanenn Bryant: I know if you're listening to this podcast, you have it in you to create the life you want because you're already willing to put in the effort. Maybe you're just sticking your toe in the water right now. Maybe you're starting over, you're giving it another go.

[00:27:29] Shanenn Bryant: You tried it 10 years ago and you're gonna give it another go cuz you really want that life. You want to to feel good and have the life that you envision in your head. And so you're trying again.

[00:27:40] Shanenn Bryant: No matter where you are in your journey, the truth is you are worthy of it. Don't make someone else's actions or someone else's comments or the way someone else behaves or treats you, don't make it mean something about you, cuz it doesn't. 

[00:28:01] Shanenn Bryant: So the whole idea on this journey, if you want that transformation, you want that change, you have to prioritize the truth. Become highly conscious of your own lies, those things that you're telling yourself. You need to look out for them. Call yourself out the way that you would if your partner or a friend lied to you. Call out your own lies like you would theirs. And as always, if you put that energy into yourself, all that energy, all that work into you, that's when change can happen.

[00:28:39] Shanenn Bryant: We can't change other people. Focus that energy on you. Forget about the lies that your partner's saying. We wanna go so full on into trying to figure out if they're lying or not, start with you. What are you potentially lying to yourself about? Prioritize truth not in your partner, prioritize truth in you.

[00:29:05] Shanenn Bryant: Let's start there. Then you're gonna be better equipped to make any decisions that you need to make to actually have real truthful information. Real truthful data that's gonna help you. And I can certainly help guide you into becoming more self-aware, identifying some of those things that you may be doing or those lies that you're telling yourself that you may not even know.

[00:29:28] Shanenn Bryant: We can do that through one-on-one coaching. So if you're ready to give up the lies, start making truth a priority. looking at your lies. If you're ready to give all that up, you can find the link to schedule your free clarity call in the show notes. Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.