The #1 Thing You Need to do to Overcome Extreme Jealousy EP 56

[00:00:00] Podcast Intro: Welcome to Top Self, the podcast dedicated to relax your mind, achieve change, and become a healthier, more present you. Are you ready to move past the daily anxiety? Comparing and doubting yourself and feeling like you're not enough? I'm your host, Shanenn Bryant, and I've ruined many good relationships because of my jealousy and stayed way too long in some bad ones because of my insecurity.

[00:00:32] Podcast Intro: But I stopped letting fear drive my actions, and now, I can't wait to share with you as I dive into these emotions, shed light on how they might be impacting your life, and uncover strategies to break free from their grip. It's time to start living a life of confidence. So get ready to ignite your self worth and transform your life, because my friend, you are worthy.

[00:01:00] Shanenn Bryant: You've been dealing with this insecurity thing for a while. Week after week, month after month. A lot of times, year after year, and you wonder, Why can't I shake it? In my opinion, the answer may be in a saying. I heard many times growing up, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

[00:01:27] Shanenn Bryant: I used to hate that saying, and I didn't know it was a Henry Ford saying until much later in life, but now I live and swear by it. So what's the number one thing that you can do to overcome extreme jealousy? Something different. Something different than what you've been doing. Something different than the way that you've been approaching it.

[00:01:51] Shanenn Bryant: And it's most likely the reason you haven't shaken this thing, because you keep doing the same thing over and over. And sometimes that means you tell yourself you shouldn't look at their phone. But every time you have the opportunity, you do it anyway. It can mean that you try something new and you try it one or two times and then you stop doing it and you say, uh, forget it. That doesn't work. I tried it. It doesn't work. Or you still approach situations with the same mindset as you did the last time; like you haven't changed any of your belief. You haven't changed the way that you're thinking. 

[00:02:30] Shanenn Bryant: So what is your habit? What is your thing that you keep doing over and over and over? It's for you to think about what you're doing that you've always done. Habits can be naughty and nice. 

[00:02:44] Shanenn Bryant: They're good and bad habits, but why do we have habits in the first place? Habits are important because they help us to be more efficient. you probably have the same cycle of food that you eat for dinner, I know we do at our house, that you make all the time. You make it over and over the same sort of, uh, rotation of meals that you have all the time.

[00:03:07] Shanenn Bryant: And at some point you kind of get to that point like, Ugh, I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the same old, same old. And maybe you go look up a recipe and

[00:03:16] Shanenn Bryant: you make it maybe once or twice, but you're usually right back in that chicken and rice rotation. Our brains actually like this because where you lack in variety, your brain is making up for it in efficiency and not having to think of new things to make all the time. We have some lazy ass brains.

[00:03:40] Shanenn Bryant: These efficiencies also come in handy for things like brushing your teeth every day out of habit. Thank goodness. Your morning routine. You wake up, you use the restroom, maybe you drink some water. Those are efficient habits that help us from not being so overwhelmed with all the choices and changes of life.

[00:03:58] Shanenn Bryant: Where these efficiencies become negative is when the habit is imprinted as fact, or it's so second nature in you that you don't question it, or when you do question it, it's stronger than your tenacity. Tenacity is the whole idea of like, just not quitting.

[00:04:19] Shanenn Bryant: it's a, it's a quality that just doesn't allow you to quit. These people, they keep trying to reach their goal. Tenacity to me is the most important thing when trying to change a habit or achieve a goal because you're not always going to feel motivated to work on your jealousy. You're not always going to feel motivated to work on your relationship or your communication.

[00:04:44] Shanenn Bryant: You're not always going to feel motivated to go to the gym, let's say. And believe me, there are many mornings where I'm not motivated at all. Most mornings, I'm not motivated at all to go to the gym, but I have a goal. I owe it to myself to keep trying. I have tenacity. Unfortunately, I also have tenacity for sweets.

[00:05:08] Shanenn Bryant: Like I just can't give them up. I just can't give it up. But you're going to get discouraged when you're trying to improve on this jealousy thing. It can be frustrating. One day you feel great, the next day you're hyperventilating, curled up in your bed because your partner hung up on you because they don't know how to deal with your jealousy anymore and your accusations. They're trying different things too, and they don't know how to do it.

[00:05:36] Shanenn Bryant: Then, you crawl out of that and you feel great for next five days, and then you have another setback. It can be such a rollercoaster of emotions and energy, trying different things, forcing yourself to think differently and you know, maybe you're just praying like somebody just give me the answer or you just hope that you'll wake up better.

[00:05:59] Shanenn Bryant: Tenacity is about getting back up and trying again 

[00:06:03] Shanenn Bryant: Because what's the alternative? Giving up, throwing in the towel? Well, that's not working for you either. Like doing nothing is not working for you either, and you're much closer to success when you're putting in the work than when you've just given up.

[00:06:23] Shanenn Bryant: This also doesn't mean that every single day is focused on this and trying something new and putting all of your energy into it. In fact, I think breaks are important because this is hard work and sometimes you need to process

[00:06:39] Shanenn Bryant: Maybe some things that you're, that you uncover about yourself or that are coming up when you start to think about what's the root of all this, 

[00:06:49] Shanenn Bryant: Or you may need a break because you've been evaluating. Each time you feel like you have a setback and you've done evaluations of the situation to try to see what changes you can make the next time. That is all very tiring and you may need a break. By the way, I'm going to do an entire episode on this soon about

[00:07:14] Shanenn Bryant: how you do an evaluation when you have a meltdown to make changes the next time. So be on the lookout for that, that that episode is coming out soon. But you may need to take a break sometimes. Take the break, but not from the, I can't do this anymore type of breakdown break.

[00:07:36] Shanenn Bryant: Just an intentional break if you need it. Not everybody does, but if you do take it, no problem. About a year ago, I had the pleasure to meet and interview retired Navy Seal Commander Rich Diviney. 

[00:07:53] Shanenn Bryant: he was involved in a specialized seal selection process that whittled a group of hundreds of extraordinary candidates down to a handful of the most elite performers. 

[00:08:05] Shanenn Bryant: You know that these people were all incredible. So he had to figure out what made one who had the same skills, qualifications, the same physical strengths, what made them succeed and make it through, versus the other ones who didn't.

[00:08:22] Shanenn Bryant: And he figured out that it came down to this core set of 25 attributes. He's now a leadership and human performance expert working with people like Simon Sinek and Zoom and American Airlines, and he has this great book, it's called The Attributes 25 Hidden Drivers of Optimal Performance. It is so good.

[00:08:45] Shanenn Bryant: I wasn't sure if I was going to like it because. I knew that he was, you know, talking about being in the Navy, but He tells these awesome stories about the rough days being in the Navy SEAL training and Hell Week, and they're just really funny and entertaining and there's so much inspiration in the book and some really cool information on attributes, one of them being tenacity.

[00:09:15] Shanenn Bryant: I'll put the link to his book in the show notes if you wanna get it. It's so good. I really liked it. So, um, maybe check it out if you wanna read more about tenacity, but ink.com talks about the 40% rule for Navy SEALS, and it says that when your mind tells you you're exhausted, you know, when you're just spent, you're at that point, you're totally tapped out, you're fried, you're just like, I can't go on.

[00:09:43] Shanenn Bryant: You still have 60% left in you. I wouldn't have believed this, but since I've been, you know, working out and lifting weights, going to the gym, I've had some conversations and definitely realizations so many times about how your mind will give out and give up way before your body will. So I want you to think about that.

[00:10:07] Shanenn Bryant: The next time you're having a meltdown, consider thinking. Okay. My body is okay, like physically nothing's wrong. I'm okay. It's just that my mind is wanting to quit. My mind wants to be lazy, and it doesn't wanna do the hard work of allowing me to think differently, 

[00:10:27] Shanenn Bryant: It doesn't wanna work hard and be open to new ways of thinking. So use your body to help out your mind. Go for a brisk walk, go do some breathing exercises. Maybe just allow yourself to feel weird in your body. Those emotions are showing up. And let your body work through them. Use your body as your mind's friend to help it out.

[00:10:58] Shanenn Bryant: 'cause that mind is going to give up way before the body will. So, if we're only at 40% capacity when we quit, why do we stop? Why do we fail? Why do we give up? So, they say it's a couple reasons. Um, you know, one, the whole motivation piece I talked about and

[00:11:21] Shanenn Bryant: if you stand with the thought that you have to be motivated to do something, you're going to fail. You have to have that tenacity to keep going. To keep seeking the goal. Growth follows belief. Believing something can change is a fundamental part of things actually changing. I love that saying, um, I don't remember where, where I heard it, but it says, you know, you've got two lives.

[00:11:48] Shanenn Bryant: The one you live before you realize you only have one life to live, and then the one you live after that. So, the tenacity part for me, I guess the, the part that kept me going was, you know, being

[00:12:03] Shanenn Bryant: Like almost being courageous enough to keep going without seeing the immediate progress or the immediate successes. At the same time being too afraid to stop trying, like courageous enough to keep going, even if I wasn't seeing something right away, but then also being too afraid to stop.

[00:12:24] Shanenn Bryant: I did not want to go back. I do not wanna go back to the way that I was, so I'm too afraid to go back there. I'm gonna keep going. Tenacity over motivation. And you can still give yourself those intentional breaks when you need to process. I definitely did. So that's one reason, that whole motivation, um, piece of it.

[00:12:50] Shanenn Bryant: 

[00:12:51] Shanenn Bryant: You've got to have something outside of motivation that's gonna keep you going. The other one, the other reason maybe we quit, which. In my opinion is really important, especially as it pertains to taming your jealousy, is not knowing an end date. We don't know an end date. You know, not knowing when you're gonna feel better or when things will feel a little bit different.

[00:13:16] Shanenn Bryant: Or how many days in a row you're gonna be able to go without a breakdown. It's like someone putting you on a row machine telling you to row as fast as you can, but there's no clock, there's no timer, and they didn't tell you how for how long.

[00:13:33] Shanenn Bryant: You don't know. You don't know when the resolution's gonna come. That makes it hard when you don't know an end date, you don't have a timeframe. That makes it really hard. This is why. So here, here's the resolution to that. This is why many celebrations are so important, and I think people brush this off.

[00:13:58] Shanenn Bryant: As just fluff, but it's not, it's a super key element to this whole thing. if you really are working on this, number one, you have to actually really, really do the work, not just here and there or here and there, and then quit.

[00:14:13] Shanenn Bryant: Throw your hands up, give up.

[00:14:15] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah, but actually do the work. And the number two thing is celebrate the wins. So maybe you're wondering like, what does that mean? What does mini celebration mean? How am I supposed to celebrate and what's considered a win? I get it.

[00:14:28] Shanenn Bryant: What the heck does that mean? It's not about telling your partner every milestone and going out to dinner and celebrating it. It's actually the opposite. These are more private celebrations for you and you only, you don't need to advertise your accomplishments to your partner.

[00:14:46] Shanenn Bryant: They'll eventually see them. 

[00:14:48] Shanenn Bryant: Yes. Is it gonna take longer for them to notice them? Most likely. But you'll know. You'll feel it. It's about acknowledging them. And don't get hung up. If it takes a while for your partner to notice them, they will eventually. And that's not the point. The point is for you to notice them, for you to track them, for you to acknowledge them.

[00:15:13] Shanenn Bryant: One way to do it is go back and recall some of the days that you felt really good, or the times that you made the decision not to say that smart aleck comment. Or not to look at their phone if you had those. If you're a journaler, I'd highly recommend journaling during this process.

[00:15:33] Shanenn Bryant: So, if you are, you don't have to go back and read all of your entries for the last week. What you could do is when you do have those like, hey, I wanted to check the phone and I didn't put that in your journal, circle it, highlight it, whatever you have to do, that's a win.

[00:15:49] Shanenn Bryant: And maybe you checked it three times after that. So what? That's okay. You had a win. Celebrate it. And go back each week and look through that journal and look for those highlights or look for those things that you circled and celebrate them. Have a celebration with yourself.

[00:16:05] Shanenn Bryant: That is a milestone that is then gives kind of an end date. It's not to say, oh, I didn't check his phone this time. That means I'm never gonna do it again. That's okay. It's a milestone, it's a celebration and you need to, you need to do that. in Rich Denny's book.

[00:16:24] Shanenn Bryant: There's a chapter, it's titled Many a False Step is Made by Standing Still, and I won't give away what the chapter's about, but the idea that I took away was standing still is a decision. I did a whole episode on decision making. I think it's episode 47, um, called What If You Make the Wrong Decision? And it's all about decision making.

[00:16:53] Shanenn Bryant: If you haven't listened to it, go back, take a listen. But we often say things like, well, I haven't decided yet, or I'm still trying to decide. that is a decision. If your decision right now is to stand still, that may be what you've always done and you're getting what Mr. Henry Ford would say what you've always got. There are so many things you could be doing differently than you've always done. You could sign up for the Trust Building Bootcamp when I open enrollment at the end of the month. You could book a free discovery call and see what other ways I can help you.

[00:17:32] Shanenn Bryant: You can just start simply journaling, just on your own journal, track the many accomplishments. You can do a lot of things on your own as well. 

[00:17:42] Shanenn Bryant: It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be different to get different. Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.