The Connection Formula: Are You Wasting Your Time Worrying? Ep 97

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: Welcome back to another episode of Top Self. My name is Shanenn Bryant, and with me, Dr. Adam Dorsey, licensed Psychologist and Executive Coach. He has delivered keynotes and training to companies like Microsoft and LinkedIn and many more.

[00:00:19] You have a book, and a podcast called Super Psyched, which I love that name. Welcome.

[00:00:26] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Well, I'm so glad to be with you, Shanenn.

[00:00:28] Shanenn Bryant: I'm glad that you're here too. We are going to talk about connection, which I find is really hard to do in this day and age with, I mean, life is so fast, and my husband and I were even just talking about this. It's like Thanksgiving almost just completely gets skipped.

[00:00:47] So it's right from a Halloween to Christmas and forget Thanksgiving and things just seem like they're going so fast. So, it's hard to connect, but then we're going to talk about that today.

[00:00:56] Dr. Adam Dorsay: And indeed, and behind the scenes, it was hard for us to connect for the first time ever. We had a technological outage in my office, so I hauled on home, and you've been so kind, and you've connected with me. So, in spite of the technological issues, we've connected. But yeah, you're talking about a really odd paradox that is a sign of our times.

[00:01:14] And that is, we're more connected technologically than ever before. I can connect with my friend out in Zimbabwe. And yet, we are less connected than ever before. We are lonelier than we've ever been, and we are more distant from ourselves because we're comparing ourselves to others on social media, and we are not really going for that currency in life called connection, and that was what compelled me to write the book.

[00:01:38] Shanenn Bryant: Oh, so good. And you hit the nail on the head for the person listening to this podcast about comparing ourselves to social media. the listeners here are constantly anxious about, is their partner going to leave them for somebody else? How are they comparing to their exes? How are they comparing, just that jealousy and insecurity?

[00:02:00] And you're right. Even though we're more connected than ever, people feel really alone and definitely with this feeling of jealousy and insecurity.

[00:02:11] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Absolutely, we have these ideas of who we're supposed to be. We have these moms who are doing it all, crushing it, living their best lives, and, showing it on social media and the other moms who are just barely making it by and there's, they're struggling. And the fact of the matter is we don't actually really know if the superstars are as superstars as they appear to be.

[00:02:31] And the guys who are just jacked after 50 and I'm living my best life and putting three hours in the gym. And God, personally, I don't know about you, but I'm lucky to get, 30 minutes in, given how many constraints there are on my schedule. And of course, I'm aware that I'm making choices. But right now, the fact of the matter is to live in Silicon Valley. I choose to work and, it’s very hard if we don't compare ourselves to the most important person to compare ourselves to, and that is to ourselves. Compare ourselves to who we are today versus who we are yesterday or were yesterday. that's a good comparison, versus who we are tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow we're still moving the ball more in the direction of who we're hoping to become relative. To ourselves. I am never, ever going to be able to shoot a three pointer like Steph Curry. I'm never going to have abs like Chris Hemsworth. I am never going to have the brains of one of these tech geniuses who's founding an AI company,

[00:03:25] but can I do better in the metrics that matter to me and the ones that I'm going to repeat that matter to me? am I go, am I trending in the right direction? And I spent the entire nearly 300 pages exploring this idea because everyone's Form of connection. Is entirely individual. you and I may have some areas of overlap, but I

[00:03:50] can virtually guarantee you, there are things that cause you to feel connected to life in the world, to yourself, to others, to the world and something greater that are similar to me. And there are some that are very different from me.

[00:04:03] Shanenn Bryant: that brings up two things that popped in my head. One, I agree with you. I used to be a gymnast, Adam, I cannot flip my butt over my head anymore, unless it's by accident, and that's how it's happening these days. So, comparing myself to yesterday, or when you look at the pictures, when you were in your 20s, you're like, uh, man.

[00:04:23] But let's talk about, what do you mean by connection? Can we first explain what do we mean by connection?

[00:04:30] Dr. Adam Dorsay: 100%. And by the way, Shanenn, how much do I relate to what you just dropped? One of the things that's been a sticking point for me to get back into the cardio game is I have these metrics from 25 years ago. That I still remember when I was just, I was single, I was totally crushing it. I was doing these long-distance cycling and, for me to do, under 150 miles in a weekend felt like a dumb weekend.

[00:04:55] Like I was out there and hitting it hard on the cycle. So, I really resonate with that. And for anybody who wants to take a look at the world's worst first pitches on YouTube, one of them is actually Nolan Ryan, the guy who has more strikeouts than anyone in baseball. He barely. He didn't even make it to the plate. 

[00:05:14] So this is a guy who has more pitches than just about anybody. So, you know, comparing ourselves to our former selves is an affliction, 

[00:05:21] And one of the reasons I wrote the book was to define connection. what is this thing that keeps showing up on all of my podcast interviews? When I'm interviewing somebody, they're always talking about this nebulous thing called connection. And when I'm working with clients who've come to see me, In the 20, 000 Ish hours that I have provided therapy, they're talking about this thing called connection. And in all the books that I read; it's always talking about this thing called connection. So, what is connection? I spent two pages defining it, coming up with a working term. definition. I consulted 10 licensed mental health professionals to help me come up with, at least for now, a definition. And to sum it up in just a sentence or two, it's what makes us come alive.

[00:06:03] It's what gives us vitality. And you know it when you feel it, whether it's that piece of music that's just Oh my God, that's my jam. Like versus somebody tells you, it should be your jam. And you listen, you're like, I'm not actually feeling, I feel like I should like it, but I don't like it. Or it could be. An activity that you just are like, I absolutely love this thing. And in some cases, they can be called quote guilty pleasures. And one of the things I talk about in my book is there's no, as long as we're not hurting anybody or ourselves, there's no such thing as a guilty pleasure. I come out in the book as a massive, recovered George Michael fan, because when I was in high school, you were, if you were a guy, you were allowed to like, you're allowed to like punk rock.

[00:06:44] You're allowed to like harder rock. You were not allowed to like George Michael. That was for the

[00:06:49] girls. That was for the teeny boppers. but the fact of the matter was He speaks to me, and I love his voice. I love his music, and I would listen to it with my windows rolled up and these days, part of growing up has been just rolling the windows down and letting it blast

[00:07:05] and letting my freak flag fly and we all have things that bring us alive and one of the biggest goals of this book is to make sure that we're alive while we're alive.

[00:07:17] You know, Ben Franklin talks about this death that happens at 25, except for the funeral happens at 75. So, between 25 and 75, the person is alive, but dead while they're alive. And many of us live these lives where we don't go for it. We kind of passively consume content. We stream video, which is great.

[00:07:36] I love it. I stream my videos, but one of my big things is create and engage at least as much as we're consuming. sure, consume all you want, but make sure you're at least creating and really producing stuff that matters to you. And everyone has a different version of that. and one other, just, uh, I'm going to, hopefully this will be a relatable scenario, Saturday rolls around, you get out of bed.

[00:08:02] You're exhausted from the week, maybe almost a little bit limping. Practically you boil up some coffee, you turn on the TV, you got your Netflix going, you got your streaming action going on, you're folding the laundry, you're petting the dog, you're answering emails and texts and looking on social media, and you're doing all of these things all at once.

[00:08:19] And then. Monday rolls around and you do not feel rejuvenated. 

[00:08:26] Shanenn Bryant: Every weekend. 

[00:08:27] Dr. Adam Dorsay: so, everybody understands this. I remember the first time I actually brought this up as a possible scenario and everybody's Oh yeah, that's me. And I've done it too. And where it's just like, hey, what did I do? And the fact of the matter is, many of the things that we really get energy from require energy from us, but very few of us are willing to engage in busting down the door and doing that thing because activation energy is required.

[00:08:53] We need to actually put out energy to get energy back. even if it's just setting up our art room so that we're engaged in the art, pumping up tires and getting the bike rack out to go for that ride, doesn't seem all that. Exciting. That part is you can become, a little bit discouraged and like, you know what, maybe I just stream, I'm just going to stay in my fuzzy bunny pajamas and slippers, and it'll be fine. I'll watch, Breaking Bad. And it's such a great show. Why not?

[00:09:23] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Yeah. and you, I feel like you're starting to touch on a little bit, but what are some of the things that we do that get in the way? Is that, just doing that aimless, mindless stuff,

[00:09:37] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Yeah, we talked about one of the big ones. And that is we go on social media because we have this little blue light. It's calling us. It's almost like we’re; we've become addicted to these smartphones. It all started around 2007 with the advent of the iPhone, and we could see other people's lives or at least the lives that they broadcast and, they're killing it.

[00:09:56] They're out and some beautiful beach place with their family looking like they're having the greatest time ever. And we're thinking, oh my God, you know, very rarely do we say good for them. It's more like, Oh damn envy. I wish I was

[00:10:08] them. And we have 

[00:10:09] Shanenn Bryant: Or how, how 

[00:10:10] Dr. Adam Dorsay: how did they get to do that? Right? and I, I share my photos too. And we all do. but what we don't know is what's going on behind the scenes, for all we know, while they're showing these videos, vibrant faces. They might've just gotten some bad news about someone in their family or their job.

[00:10:26] We had, we make up these stories. Oh my God, they must be having the greatest romantic vacation. Their kids all get along and the husband and wife are having like the greatest sex on their lives on this vacation in separate rooms. and every, but what we don't know is they're all in the same room.

[00:10:40] There's been like no romantic interludes whatsoever. And everybody's arguing about what, what to do for the activities and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Regardless, I do hope they're all having a good time. I do hope they're having the best sex ever in their own private room. I do hope for that, but we can feel diminished when we are consumers of social media. 

We can feel diminished when we have these ideas of what it looks like to live someone else's life and live by those standards. We've all been fed Ideas, whether it's from parents or other authorities, um, there are these really big influencers out there who are, crushing it perhaps, but we don't recognize the sacrifice, the things that they don't get to do in order to crush the things they do. And for most of us, what we need to do is realize, you know what, I'm not going to have the Chris Hemsworth abs in this lifetime, but you know what I will have? I will have a lot of connection with my children before they go off to college, or I will have a really great, understanding of who I am and what I'm going after in this lifetime. And that latter one is the big one. 

That's the one that we're looking for in the book. And so, I broke down connection to four ways. How we connect with ourselves first and foremost, since it informs all of the other connections, how we connect with others, and other could be my wife, and other could be you. another could be my children or my colleagues or my clients, how we connect with the world. The world would mean stuff like work, art, nature, how we connect with those things. And the fourth circle is how we connect with something greater. And for some people, that's religion. And for the most devout atheist, it would still be going to, for example, Yosemite and just being like awestruck. Wow. This is amazing. They feel something greater. It could even be. The quality of the byproduct of the connection between me and someone else like you and I right now are engaging in something greater than either one of us alone. If I'm, I mean, I can be on the mic and, you know, make a solo episode and it'll be fine. But you and me doing a duo way cooler in many ways,

[00:12:54] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. It reminds me that, I tell this story. My husband and I went to Costa Rica last year in January. It was beautiful,

[00:13:01] but it? 

[00:13:03] is, you talk about social media, things looking, okay, it looks this way, but what's really happening behind the scenes. And I forever wanted to go, you Horseback riding on the beach, right?

[00:13:14] I saw the brochure years ago. It's been in my mind. It looks so beautiful. I pictured, you know, us walking on the beach, my hair blowing in the wind, us holding hands on our horses. It was miserable. It was horrible. One, I didn't, I'm afraid of horses.

[00:13:32] we barely were on the beach. It was more like the parking lot behind where people park to go to the beach.

[00:13:38] Dr. Adam Dorsay: you kidding me?

[00:13:39] Shanenn Bryant: No. And instead of holding hands with my husband, I was strapped to the tour guide horse. My horse was strapped to this horse, and my husband was way in the 

[00:13:52] Dr. Adam Dorsay: You were tethered 

[00:13:54] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. So, you think you see this beautiful brochure, you think that's what it's going to be, and it's not. And so then, okay, how do we find, you know, something even in this where we can connect, right?

[00:14:07] And okay, there's, maybe it's something different than what I thought it was going to be, but how can we still make this great? 

[00:14:13] Dr. Adam Dorsay: a million percent. And isn't that just Oh my gosh. there's so many elements, that story that are brilliant. Actually, if you think about it, we could make like a whole one-hour episode just on that.

[00:14:25] horseback riding, like my fantasy of horseback riding versus the reality of it.

[00:14:30] Yeah. Terrible. Terrible. okay. So, you were giving us the four ways we can connect that you talk about in the book. but you write about the connection formula. Are you going to share that with us? what I call a different connection formula. The thing that brings us most alive. Let's say for instance, for me, I am absolutely positively a dog and cat person. I was born a dog person. I'm a convert. I become a cat person over the years. And by the way, qualifier, they have to be really Extroverted cats, I don't want a skittish cat, but I love a, like a really good cat is amazing.

[00:15:02] I've come to realize they're just, they have so much to teach us. My father could go through his entire life. He could go through several lifetimes and not touch an animal. And I can barely make it through a day. So, part of my connection formula is I've got to be around animals. I love them. For my dad, he's a massive opera fan.

[00:15:19] Like he's got to hit a certain number of operas a year, and he will even sit through a six-hour Wagnerian opera and be wrapped with a tent. It looks like, wow. Following every note, every move. I would call that a very expensive place to sleep. That would not be part of my connection formula. And I would not, tell him, he should be investing his time in something else.

[00:15:40] I'm so glad because he comes so alive. And one of the things that's also interesting is, I was actually talking about this. idea of him loving Wagnerian opera, all opera. He loves it all. and I enjoy opera in moderation quite a lot. the two- or three-hour version, not the six-hour kind.

[00:15:57] as he was describing why he loves these long Wagnerian operas, I got to tell you, I found myself wanting to stretch my own formula and thinking, maybe I'll challenge it. And one of the things that we are meant to do is to challenge it. But we don't berate ourselves when we don't like it.

[00:16:15] You know how it is when you hear everybody talking about this thing, this movie, this musical, this whatever, this show on Netflix that everybody's loving and you're supposed to love it too.

[00:16:26] And you want to come back and be like, yeah, I'm part of the chorus who loves it. And you don't want to be the one who's like dissenting. Our brains are actually wired for yes and conformity. 

[00:16:36] but the bottom line is we're all investing that precious. thing called time into things that don't give us real aliveness we're spending. If we actually saw, if there was a documentarian following us, like they do in the office, showing us how we're allocating our time, we would feel pretty nauseated because we're not using it towards the things that are the elements of our connection formula.

[00:17:05] The question is what one thing is. That you want to be doing a lot more of that are being supplanted by things that don't give you any of that aliveness, don't give you any of that connection. So, within the connection formula, you can rate a whole bunch of activities. I've come up with a ton of activities, by no means a complete list of activities, where you can rate them, like how much do you want to be doing them versus how much are you actually doing them. For me, quite frankly, one of them would be getting on my bike. I have not been using my bike very much. In fact, I would even say it's been gathering dust largely ever since I had children, which is something that, you know, if I'd been a little bit more disciplined, I would be doing, have done with my children.

[00:17:52] But the goal is not to beat up myself for what I didn't do. It's moving forward. What will I do? And is that going to be one of the big ones? For me, writing this book was very important in terms of my sense of connection, connecting with my thoughts and what I wanted to generate to the reader was big.

[00:18:12] I'm guessing that you as a coach, drive. As a lot of sense of connection that you've probably come alive that maybe at the end of it, you might be tired but energized and that's what we're looking for. What are the things that might tire us out a little bit but absolutely energized and we say that was awesome.

[00:18:31] Shanenn Bryant: that's so good. And we, um, so we talk a lot about, you know, how do we meet our own needs? We have a group program that's going on right now and we have needs week coming up there. And I love this because it does get to, everybody asks that question, like, oh, you know, I don't even know what I like anymore.

[00:18:50] We can just get to that place. So, I love that you have something where people can go, okay. Or even just to think about, what do I really like to do that energizes me versus the stuff I'm spending a lot of time doing. Makes me tired. It makes me feel exhausted. And I think that's a great exercise to do, to be able to think about those things and then incorporate them into your life a bit more.

[00:19:20] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Exactly. And we're meant to do this kind of one at a time, because if we chase two rabbits, we'll get neither. But so, what I'm hoping people do rather than say, oh my God, I got to do this, this, this, this, this, and this, and then they end up maybe even worse than they were prior. Choose one thing for some people, it might be having more connection with their friends.

[00:19:39] One of the things we know for sure is that we're not investing enough time with our friends.

[00:19:43] we get so busy, we move away, we move away again, we lose contact. It gets a little bit embarrassing. How do I rejuvenate this old friendship? One of the surest ways. To feel a sense of vitality is to renew a friendship or to discover a new one. we need friends. We, and one of the things that happens in adulthood is we lose friends. On average, we have fewer friends than we've ever had before. Largely because we're quote so busy or because we've moved so many times, even if it means just calling a friend to say, I love you and say, hey man, I just got five minutes.

[00:20:19] What's going on? I just want to hear your voice. Just say

[00:20:22] what's up. And just in that perceived support. Is very interesting. I was talking to, a professor over at George Mason University, Todd Cashton, and he was talking about some research that showed what happens when somebody is about to climb a big hill, a mountain for a big hike. And let's say the, let's say the grade is, I don't know. I don't know the numbers. Let's say it's nine. and. You estimate it when you're on your own. You estimate it at 12 and you estimate it when you're with somebody who's a good friend, you estimate it to be even lower than it actually is because

[00:20:58] you feel the perceived support.

[00:21:00] Yeah. I saw as I was leaving my office to come to you, I saw that my buddy Brent left me a voicemail. I don't know what it's going to be, but I know it's

[00:21:09] going to be awesome. And he's going to be like, hey man, how are you doing? blah, blah, blah,

[00:21:13] blah. And that's that's usually what it's going to be. 

[00:21:16] Shanenn Bryant: Just the fact that he took time, 

[00:21:18] Dr. Adam Dorsay: totally. And know, 

[00:21:20] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah, I can't tell you how many, I feel like my friends and I back and forth are constantly apologizing. oh, sorry, I forgot your birthday. Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot to call you about that. Oh, sorry, I forgot, we're always apologizing to each other because we get so busy, and we don't take the time to do it.

[00:21:35] Dr. Adam Dorsay: thing. It's maybe less wacky and more whack to use the parlance of my children. Um, this summer for the first time in like, Oh my God, nine years. I got to hang out with my buddy, Jed. He is the coolest, seriously. I described him in my book. He is the coolest guy ever. And he's got one really bad quality. And that is he lives 3000 miles away from me. and how dare he? 

So, I see him, and I realized, wow, nine years have passed. And if we continue at this clip between now and the end of my life, I will see him approximately four or five more times if I'm lucky. That's not okay.

[00:22:17] Dr. Adam Dorsay: That's not okay. And so, what I've resolved to do is have at least quarterly zoom sessions on people who do zoom every day at work.

[00:22:27] It sucks. Yes, that's true. It is pretty eye roll tired. When you brew a cup of coffee and have a virtual coffee, or you crack open a beer and hang out with your friend, assuming that, alcohol is not a problem.

[00:22:41] Hang out with your friend, and having an hour of Interrupted, truly uninterrupted talk. Make it as sacred. Like I believe conclave means with key, like lock the door, no children entering, make it as serious as a serious meeting where you're about to close a deal. This is hanging out with your friend who happens to live 3, 000 miles away. And he's got kids. I got kids. We're busy. it's not easy to see him. And I don't want to go through life, not seeing him. I would rather. See him quarterly via zoom and my estimation at this rate, that means that I'll see him about a hundred or so more times rather than just five

[00:23:24] Shanenn Bryant: or five. 

[00:23:25] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Yeah. The math is just not positive.

[00:23:28] Shanenn Bryant: I have never thought about it that way because I have a friend that lives in California, so she's about, you know, it's about the same, many miles away from me here in Indiana. And we just did a girl’s trip for the first, like, it's been years, and we were both like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad we did this.

[00:23:46] And it cannot be. We cannot let that much 

[00:23:49] time go by.

[00:23:49] Dr. Adam Dorsay: sure, right? 

[00:23:51] Shanenn Bryant: that, but I love your idea of like, yeah, what's another Zoom? It's going to be the best Zoom call that you've had all day, right?

[00:23:58] Dr. Adam Dorsay: And maybe don't see it as a zoom call. Just see it as a hang.

[00:24:01] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:24:02] Dr. Adam Dorsay: That's all. Yeah. So yeah, so we're doing it through that thing called zoom, would you say that you don't want to go to a restaurant because you went to a restaurant on a business meeting and you're tired of business meetings at restaurants? No, if you're going to hang out with a friend at a restaurant is a totally different vibe than hanging out. Now, God willing, and I hope for most of us that you enjoy your business meetings at restaurants because that is possible. It's not a mutually exclusive proposition. 

We can actually have great and vital experiences on business. But my gosh, when I hear people just entirely excuse Zoom from their lives because they do it all week at work, I say, this is, think about this. In the 90s, in the early 2000s, we did not have this technology until Skype came along in like 2005. this is a blessing. Use it. And hang with your people who matter to you.

[00:24:57] Shanenn Bryant: Yes. Okay. So that is a great tip for our friendships. What's a favorite tip for connection with our partner, 

[00:25:07] Dr. Adam Dorsay: I knew it was coming. 

[00:25:09] Shanenn Bryant: of course. Everybody's like, tell me how to connect with my partner more.

[00:25:14] Dr. Adam Dorsay: So, I'm 22 years deep in my relationship with my wife and I still let feel like I'm, thank you. And I still feel like I'm in my first week. I am absolutely nuts about her. I find her endlessly awesome.

[00:25:26] And I just, so yeah, I'm so stoked to be with her. One of the things that I know for sure is As well as I know her, there's so much I still don't know about her. And there are various things we can do. Everything from getting a deck of cards that has really novel questions that evoke different answers, all the way to having novel experiences. 

When I asked Pat Love, Dr. Pat Love is the author of a book called Hot Monogamy. And, when I asked her on my podcast for her top tip, she said do something novel together and I remembered the research on this.

[00:26:01] The research shows that when we do novel things Our partner becomes way more attractive because it's a little bit scary doing something novel. Now, I'm not talking about the horseback riding where you're tethered to some uh, some other, you know, randos horse, and I'm not behind, behind the parking lot.

[00:26:18] But what I am talking about is do something awesome. It could even just be going on a hike where you've never been before, but it could be going It could be, yeah, it could be anything from going to a new venue for something to doing something just a little daring. if you happen to live in an area where you can do an activity. Like, my wife and I, quite frankly, have never I know, and I guess I'm saying this out loud, I'm realizing this is not happening, but we've never gone whale watching. We've never gone whale watching. Now we could in theory. I just remember she gets really seasick. So that is awful. but there are things we could do together.

[00:26:54] Especially, if she and I could go, to a climbing gym where she's belaying me and I'm belaying her. And there's something also really amazing about that because it involves teamwork. So ideally, if it involves teamwork, that's even better. One of the weird findings that I had with my wife and me, by the way, is when she helped me with the final, version of my book, when she went through literally every line with me, and I heard just how smart she was in terms of her feedback, we shared a project. Now, a lot of people tell you, oh, you know, we did a kitchen project and our, we barely

[00:27:33] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. I, yeah, I am not holding, yeah, I am not, holding the flashlight anymore. 

[00:27:38] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Yeah, I'm not talking about that one. Cause that has become almost a meme. Nobody, no relationship, really very few relationships tend to do better. During those types of projects, but doing something that is awesome together, that is fun where the stakes are not high. But where the two of you can coordinate and engage in some form of teamwork and where you have a commonly held goal. 

The commonly held goal, by the way, is a very deep psychological concept. in the blue zones, particularly in Okinawa, actually in this case, Okinawa itself, where people have meeting with a common purpose. They tend to live much longer. So, meet with your spouse, have a common purpose, try new things together, go take a cooking class together, go take a dancing class together, go do something beyond those two, if neither of those two are good options. Consider all of the options of the things that you might regret not having tried on your deathbed. Because now is the time.

[00:28:41] Shanenn Bryant: So good. Okay. So, novelty, teamwork, all that stuff when it comes to romantic relationship. what do you hope as we wrap up here, what do you hope that people take away from your book? 

[00:28:55] What's like the number one thing? 

[00:28:56] Dr. Adam Dorsay: The number one thing is I really hope that we have people who are walking through life Feeling more connected with themselves, others, the world, and something greater. Because if they do, they will feel like their gas tank as they go through life is far more full. Far more full. And it's my contention that people will be a lot more generous with each other and themselves. I believe they'll be more generous. Compassionate toward others. I think they'll be more likely to say, if somebody's trying to get in your lane when you're driving, you'll be like, you know what? My gas tanks full. Come on, go ahead of me. We're fine. So, I'll get there 10 seconds later. It's not a big deal.  It's actually pretty okay.

[00:29:33] I'm pretty happy with my life. Go ahead. Yeah, you need to go there faster. We're cool. And we might even be more kind to ourselves because we're thinking, you know what, I don't need to go on strike from myself. I'm actually stoked with how I'm treating me. The way I conceptualize it is our bodies are almost like minions from Despicable Me. Our bodies are listening to our choices. And when we make choices that are really, really good, our bodies and our psyches respond accordingly. 

They say, I'm so glad I'm working for you. And if you can imagine the minions in Despicable Me going, Boo, you suck. You're investing your time for this. And you're treating yourself so badly versus, yay, you took us to the beach. We know that we somaticize. Or our bodies can be a little bit more chill and relaxed. And less prone to kind of muscle cramping. Because we feel just more loose and good in our bodies.

[00:30:31] Shanenn Bryant: Oh, I love that. Okay, the next time I'm watching Real Housewives, and I don't need to be doing that, and I don't want to be doing that, I'm going to picture those minions. Boo! 

[00:30:42] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Boo! 

[00:30:43] Shanenn Bryant: I think everybody's going to picture that now. Boo! This 

[00:30:46] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Yeah, Shanenn, do something better than that. You can do that by the way, if you recharged by doing Real Housewives, go at it. Uh, just realize that we need to counterbalance it with some form of creation. 

[00:31:01] Shanenn Bryant: No, it's, it's getting on my bad list for me. yeah, if that's, what makes you rejuvenate, then great. If you get energy from that, great. But no, for me, it's just like to numb out and, uh, not the best thing. 

[00:31:15] Dr. Adam Dorsay: And those can be good, by the way, numbing out. And just, but maybe you want to numb out to something. I'm gonna ask you to ask yourself this, Shanenn.

[00:31:22] Ask yourself, I call it the drive away test. Whether you're with a friend and you're driving away from that meeting and you're asking yourself, how do I feel right now at the end of this? Do I feel like, taller? Do I feel happier? Do I feel stronger? Do I feel diminished? Do I feel exhausted or used? Ask yourself after Real Housewives from whatever, because there are so many of them now, ask yourselves, did this feed me or did this bleed me? 

Did this give me something or did this take away? And there's a show I'm watching right now, and for me, it totally works. It's called A Million Little Things. Watch it, you know, here and there, and I'm nearly getting to the end of the series, but I always feel a little better after having watched it. But there are shows for sure That leave me feeling like, what the hell did I just do with that time?

[00:32:07] Shanenn Bryant: Yes. And I'm like, okay, this is not a good representation of how women should be treated themselves. So that's where I'm getting like, okay, this is starting to become not a positive thing. So, I love it. I'm going to picture the minions booing me and we're going to change the channel. But 

[00:32:23] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Oh my god, Shanenn, I'm sorry, I got to give you one more.

[00:32:26] Imagine you're walking by It's a Small World at Disneyland. You hear It's a Small World for the rest of the day, and that in psychology is referred to as a cognitive afterimage. And when you watch the real Housewives from whatever you still hear their voices even after the thing and you would want to ask yourself Is that what I want to hear or would I be do what I do better, you know watching Jimmy Fallon or something like that I don't know.

I don't know what will feed you. But all I care about is that you're fed You seem like an awesome human being, so I want you well fed. Thank you. You as well. You have given us so many things to think about and I love this. I'm going to start incorporating this of like really investigating my day of how many things am I doing in my day that are giving me this connection and giving me this energy back. So, thank you so much for all of this goodness.

[00:33:17] Shanenn Bryant: Where can people find you if they want to connect with you.

[00:33:22] Dr. Adam Dorsay: I would love to connect with you and hit me up at you can Google my name, Adam Dorsey, D O R S A Y, Dr. Adam Dorsey www.dradamdorsay.com is my website. I've got two TEDx talks, one on friendship and adulthood, what we're talking about, one on men and emotions. I got my book you can find me on Amazon very easily. 

And thankfully it's being well reviewed, even though it's only a little over a month old. And where else can they find me? Oh, and of course, on the podcast, on any platform you want, Super Psyched, it's an award-winning psychology podcast. I've heard various descriptions of it.

[00:33:58] Some people say it's like the hidden brain, but more personal. And another person said, wow, he's like an Annie Leibovitz, but just through interviewing, he gets really interesting, images of these people, cool people who he interviews. So, people like Steve Kerr from the Golden State Warriors and Temple Grandin, of, Temple Grandin fame, have been on the, Zimbardo who recently just passed away, the Stanford prison experiment. I've had some really cool guests, so check it out. And I'd love to hear what you think. 

[00:34:25] Shanenn Bryant: Yes. And I will link the book in the show notes 

[00:34:28] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Oh, thanks, 

[00:34:29] Shanenn Bryant: And grab your book from the show notes. Dr. Adam Dorsey, thank you so much for being here.

[00:34:36] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Shanenn. It has been a blast.

[00:34:39] Shanenn Bryant: We'll thank you

[00:34:39] Dr. Adam Dorsay: Go Hoosiers. ​