The 'Just So You Know I Know' Protection Strategy EP 95

Podcast Intro:

Welcome to Top Self, the podcast dedicated to relax your mind, achieve change, and become a healthier, more present you. Are you ready to move past the daily anxiety? Comparing and doubting yourself and feeling like you're not enough? I'm your host, Shanenn Bryant, and I've ruined many good relationships because of my jealousy and stayed way too long in some bad ones because of my insecurity.

But I stopped letting fear drive my actions. And now I can't wait to share with you as I dive into these emotions, shed light on how they might be impacting your life and uncover strategies to break free from their grip. It's time to start living a life of confidence. So get ready to ignite your self worth and transform your life because my friend, you are worthy. 

Episode Content:

When I was about 14 or 15, my cousin and I used to be the best of friends. Her and I would hang out all the time at each other's houses. We were inseparable and we had some of the same group of friends that we hung out with. And at the time my mom was a single mom.

So, we thought we'd take advantage of the fact that my mom was a single mom and we thought it'd be super easy to sneak out of her house.

[00:01:32] Shanenn Bryant: To this day, my mom still doesn't believe me that it was the one and only time I snuck out of her house, but it is.

We had such a good plan for this. We were so smart that I got a stepstool, and we hid it under my bed during the day. We snuck it in, and we hid it under my bed so that we would have it for later. So, we waited, waited, waited.

Eventually she went to bed and fell asleep. So, we pulled that step stool out from under my bed and we slowly opened my window and you know, this was way back in the day where the lock on it was sort of halfway up the window. It was silver and you had to like hold it in and then pull the window to the left to open the window.

It's like one whole side opened instead of the whole bottom coming up, it was like the whole right side of the window, you slid to the left side. So, we carefully, quietly opened the window and my cousin crawled out the window because we could, we could use my bed to kind of step on to get out the window. 

But what we were worried about was it was lower outside. We didn't have anything outside to step back in. So that's where the stepstool came in. So, she climbs out of the window. I hand her the step stool and then I use my bed to sneak out of the window and then we had to quietly pull the window from the outside.

It had a little trim on it. And so we had to pull it very slowly, but we couldn't shut it all the way because the window would lock. So, we pulled it as close as we could without actually closing the window all the way. And we were off. 

[00:03:36] shanenn-bryant_1_11-24-2024_142620: It was totally innocent. Like we weren't doing anything wrong. Nobody was drinking, nobody was doing drugs. It was just like hanging out a time where we could feel like, you know, we're out past our time, past curfew but we were out for several hours and I think it was three or four in the morning when we came home. 

And so my cousin and I are walking down the sidewalk and we're talking about like, okay, what's the plan to get back in? Who's going first? And how's that going to work?

How are we going to get the step stool in? And about, okay, well, just one of us has to get up early in the morning and go out and get the stepstool and just bring it in before my mom wakes up. So, we were contemplating the entire plan to get back in. And as soon as we turned the corner, you could see my house.

It was a couple houses down from the end of the street. And as soon as we turned the corner, we could see all of the lights were on. without even saying it, I think we both realized, uh, we may have underestimated a single mom, right? A single mom who knows that she's responsible for two teenage girls.

If you are a mom of teenage girls, you probably don't sleep very well at night, or most nights, especially if they have friends over and things like that. We didn't account for that. All we thought is, why would it be any different? She's gonna sleep through the night. You know, she's gonna go to sleep.

So we definitely underestimated that. All of the lights in the house were on. Every single one. And the living room curtains were all pushed open and we could see my mom pacing back and forth in the living room and walking around. Both of us just froze right in our steps like, oh my gosh, what are we going to do?

And I was thinking, hmm, is living on the streets going to be better? Is that going to be better than dealing with the wrath of my mom? And there was a part of me that thought, maybe, and my cousin's like, what are we going to do? I have no idea.

And so then we start trying to come up with these plans and all of this, but all the while we're still walking up to my house and I, I think my mom must have heard us talking or something, or, because she was like watching out the window, finally saw us and flung the front door open.

Oh my gosh. I have never seen my mom so mad. And. You know, this is back way in the day before cell phones, before pagers, before any way other than a payphone to get a hold of somebody when you're not at home. And of course, I wasn't going to call my mom and check in from a payphone.

As a mom now, I cannot even imagine what it would have been like back then, having kids where you have no way of finding out where they are. I mean, she probably knew that we snuck out, but She didn't know if something happened to us. I mean, we were two young girls roaming the streets, in the middle of the night.

I could not imagine back then having 360 app or, find my iPhone or, or cell phones in general, any way to be able to get a hold of your kid when you don't know where they are. So I still feel so bad for my mom that we did that to her because I don't know what time it was when she woke up or how many hours it had been where she was awake just wondering and worrying where we were, but I feel terrible about it.

And I'm sure she kept bouncing back and forth between like, I'm going to kill them when they get home to, oh my gosh, I'm so scared something's happened to them. And I'm sure she was contemplating like, how long do I wait? before I call the police, you know, before I think maybe something really did happen to them.

So anyway, sorry, mom, but I feel like she turned all those lights on and opened all of the curtains because she knew that we were going to be able to see that house as we were turning the corner. And she just wanted us to know that she knew, she wanted that worry. However, few minutes it may have been.

And it seemed like a lifetime of when we realized that she was up and that we were busted to the walk to the front door.

 I tell this story because the just so you know thing or just so you know I know thing we do in our relationships quite often.

When we're triggered, when we have a jealous moment, there are times in that trigger where we have a choice. We can do something different and I'm not going to go into those four key points in the trigger. Um, I'm actually building a course for that right now called Triggered to Transformation. It will be out soon.

I cannot wait to share it with you all, that we'll go more in detail of those four opportunities within a trigger. But we have an opportunity when we are feeling that jealousy, and I do get that a lot of times. I mean depending on how many core wounds are at play certainly plays into how triggered you feel and how much of an automatic response and how heightened your emotions are and everybody does it differently, but some people and this was certainly mine because you know anytime we're triggered we can go into those areas fight, flight, freeze, For me, mine was always fight.

I mean, I was one that I just couldn't control my emotions. I couldn't control my outburst. I just wear my emotions on my sleeve still in, in any situation. But at the time it was, I just couldn't keep that in. Like it wasn't one of those situations where like, okay, well, let's wait till we're at the car and I'll address it then.

I couldn't do that. Then there are some, you may be one of these, that go into freeze where you just completely shut down. So it isn't like your partner doesn't know that something's wrong because you've probably stopped talking. You're definitely giving the cold shoulder. You're doing one-word responses, and not really engaging in conversation.

So, they can typically tell what happened, but, or typically tell that you're shutting down, but they just maybe. Most of the time, don't know why. however, your reaction is, especially if you are someone who has the fight response, where you can, potentially get pretty explosive.

A lot of times, our rational brain does peek in there for just a moment. And I may have said probably, but I know there are times where even when you are fired up, that you do have those times where that rational brain kicks in for a second and goes, Well, maybe he wasn't looking at the waitress, or well, maybe it's not what I think, or you already know the answer.

And this is what I want to address today. You already know the answer or what you think it probably is, what you rationally think it is. But you still go forward with whatever you are going to say, whatever you, whatever your normal jab is, or whatever action. So, You're making a choice to continue to move forward with those strong emotions and say whatever you normally would say or do whatever you would normally do.

And I call this, just in case, or just so you know, That I know. And I remember doing this quite a bit. Again, of course, this is all protection mechanisms, but just so you know, I know that you could be looking at that waitress and think she's attractive. just so you know that I know, or just so you know, I'm not stupid.

I know that, fill in the blank, whatever it is. so we make this decision having an idea of What the truth might be, but still moving forward, 

This is something that we tend to do as a way to keep protecting ourselves and continue on that path of, you know, I'm going to keep doing it even though I have a choice, I'm recognizing the choice, and not only am I recognizing the choice, but I also kind of.

Know the answer already and I wish I had a really good example of, this happening. Um, Oh, okay. I can, I can think of one. My friend and I went to Nashville for a trip and this has been recently, and I didn't, this wasn't, you know, something that we had a, uh, issue over, but it, this is exactly what could have happened, right? So, my friend came in town from California and then her and I took a road trip to Nashville, Tennessee from Indiana, just for a girl's trip.

And the night before we left, one of our other very close friends, we all went to school together. She met us for dinner and then we came back to my house and my husband did a bonfire force and everything so we could just set out by the fire and chitchat. Well, we have cameras all over our house, and so they kept going off, right, because they were picking up us moving around out in the backyard.

And at that time, Samson, my German Shepherd was still with us, so he was out there with us and every time he would move, the camera would pick him up and it would send. the notification to our phone. It sends like a, you know, a ring or a tone. And he was trying to sleep. So, he turned them off. Well, then the next morning, my friend and I left out of town and went to Tennessee.

When I got home, I don't remember how I realized it, but for whatever reason, I realized that the cameras were off. Now, I'm telling you back in my old jealous days, I would have immediately been fired up and would have automatically thought he absolutely turned those cameras off because he was here by himself, and I was out of town and he didn't want me to see what he was doing and what happened here.

And I mean, all of those, I'm sure you all can imagine where my mind could have went. But right away, and I did still ask him about it, but right away. I knew, I knew what happened in my brain. My rational brain served me right up. What happened? Oh, he probably turned them off because when we were in the backyard the night before we left, he was trying to sleep.

And I know it was like hitting his phone. I knew that already. I knew the answer to that. So this is what I'm saying. And back in my jealous days, I would have kept going with the whole scenario of he turned them off because I was out of town, and he was at home and he didn't want me to see what he was doing.

Even though my brain had served me up that possibility, that other explanation, remember the power of one, open to new explanations, evidence, examples, you know, my brain served me up, oh, this is another explanation or probably the explanation but I would have kept going Just so you know, I know That you could have done that just so you know I know that you could be trying to trick me You could be trying to do me dirty by turning off the cameras while I was gone.

Just so you know, I know that that's a possibility. I'm aware that that could happen. I'm aware that's a trick, right? Like, just so you know, I know all the tricks. So I just want you to think about this the next time your brain serves you up the logical, probably more accurate thought about What really is going on?

You have a choice right there to say, you know what? I'm going to choose to believe this one. And I'm not going to go down that road. I'm not going to have to prove to my partner or myself that I'm not stupid. That I know the tricks that don't think you can pass one over on me. Because I'm not saying something.

And I know that you struggle with this often. Of, I don't want to feel tricked. I don't want my partner to think that they can get something over on me. So I'm gonna say it, so that they know that I'm smart. So that they know that I'm on top of it. So that they know that I I'm not someone that they can get away with stuff with.

And I know that that's why you're doing it, but here's the thing. Your life will be so much calmer, so much happier, and with less anxiety and that upset stomach and that constant worry. If you make the other choice of saying, you know what, I'm going to go with this one. I, I really feel like this is probably what happened, and I don't need to prove myself.

I don't need to prove myself to my partner. I don't need to prove to anyone that I'm smart. I don't need to prove to anyone that they can't get me, that they can't get over on me. I don't need to prove that. If my partner does that at any point, it does not make me stupid. It does not make me look dumb. It does not mean anything about me at all.

And most of the time when we are filled with fear like this, we're probably wrong in our accusation in the first place, especially if your brain served you up a pretty reasonable explanation, go with it. See how you feel to just not say anything, to make the choice to do something different.

We talk a lot about that here on the show is, you know, healing this thing is all about. Making very tiny different choices, making very different tiny steps that create big transformation. And so this is one of those tiny things. And guess what? If it's still really, getting your goat three days from then, okay, but at least just try.

At least say, I'm gonna make the choice. I know right now I have a choice to either keep going with this and just, keep going with the accusation, keep going with the argument, keep going with the assumption of the negative, or I can choose to believe what my brain served me up that seems like a pretty logical explanation, and I'm just gonna see how that feels.

I'd love to hear if you decide or in an instance where you make that choice, email me sbryant@topself.com. I love hearing from you and hearing all of your mini wins. I am here to celebrate them with you. So, email me a mini win. Email me when you try this. When there's an instance where you know. That you're only going forward just so they know you know.

Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.