The Sneaky Way Your Past is Picking Your Partners w/ Dr. Christie Kederian EP 104

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: Welcome to Top Self. My name is Shanenn Bryant, and I have with me today, Dr. Christy Kederian, and I am so excited to have you here. You've got an amazing book that's coming out, Ten Dates to Your Soulmate. I love it. And you are a renowned relationship therapist and former eHarmony matchmaker, now known as The Date Doctor. And the most fabulous hair. Welcome to Top Self Podcast

[00:00:34] Dr. Christie Kederian: Thank you. Appreciate that.

[00:00:36] Shanenn Bryant: Sure. So, I thought it was so interesting because I know that you really help people, create lives that they love and find love they deserve. And I think that last part is so big and probably what a lot of us struggle with. I see it every single day, whether you're single or in a relationship, it's really understanding your worth and attracting and creating a relationship that mirrors that.

[00:01:03] Shanenn Bryant: Something that I thought was interesting, I didn't know that the matchmakers at eHarmony were all like, I think they're all therapists, right? Or were all,

[00:01:11] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah. 

Yeah. So we used to work in a personalized matchmaking service that eHarmony unfortunately doesn't offer anymore, but it was basically that therapists would come alongside people who wanted to Sign up for this special program where we would see people, we'd see who they're compatible with through the algorithm, but then we would actually personally interview those people and connect them with people we thought would be a good fit.

So, it was kind of connecting people, okay, you're compatible with them, but it was having that personal touch of okay, am I spotting red flags as a therapist for my client? Am I? thinking that there would be alignment in more of those ways that are not on paper. So, it was a really great opportunity to have someone, you know, you'd like people to introduce you, but it's like having an expert who has that knowledge introduced to you can really create, the healthy relationship that a lot of our clients, we're looking for.

[00:02:04] Shanenn Bryant: Dr. K, I'm sure people were like, oh, I wish you could go with me on, can you go do the first like three

[00:02:10] Dr. Christie Kederian: yeah. 

[00:02:11] Shanenn Bryant: let me know if it's worth it,

right? 

[00:02:13] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah. Yeah. And that's what we do with our matchmaking clients. Now, as we essentially go on that first date for them, like with them in mind, we're asking some of those deeper questions and then we're making the introduction. So, I think it's almost a modern take on that old school, like your grandmother set you up with someone that they knew, the family knew them down the street.

It's like someone that cares about you that can see maybe some of your blind spots or help, ask some of the questions that you might feel afraid to ask early on.

[00:02:42] Shanenn Bryant: Because that's such a good question, right? Of, we always think about it where it’s this person right for me or what are, what is this person's red flags? But it's kind of like, well, what, what am I bringing to the relationship?

[00:02:58] Dr. Christie Kederian: Exactly. Yeah. And it's hard sometimes for us to be honest with ourselves, but if you have loving people in your life that can, let you know, Hey, like this is an area that you might want to grow in order to attract the type of person that you want, then that really helps you turn the mirror inward and recognize, okay, I want to be this type of person.

So, I am with this type of person in my relationship. And it's one of those things, I went through it personally in my own dating journey as well, even though, I'm an expert in this field, it's like, you know, a doctor can't do surgery on themselves. So, it's every single person has their blind spots.

So, we have to be humble enough to say, maybe there's a pattern I'm not seeing. with the type of person I'm attracting or what I'm doing in this relationship dynamic that's causing problems and then make those shifts.

[00:03:46] Shanenn Bryant: Okay. So, is that maybe some specific questions that we should be asking? Because I know everyone's like, is this my soulmate? Or is this the person that I'm supposed to be with? Are those the types of questions that we should ask?

[00:03:58] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah, that's really where we start with all our clients. And what I talk about in the book is really understanding yourself, flaws and strengths that you'll bring, your patterns, your attachment, your past, what you recognize in your parents’ relationship, like in your upbringing. And all of that really has.

So much more to do with if someone's compatible with you more so than, do they like the same hobbies? I do. A lot of people think that makes a difference, but really, it's a lot of what's going on subconsciously that makes us attracted to someone or not attracted to someone. And once you're aware of that, the whole game for your dating and relationships change.

[00:04:39] Shanenn Bryant: And I think people go through that a lot, right? my husband's family's great. My family's great. But I know that people are like, oh, wait till you meet my family. Or sometimes people are really nervous about that.

Kind of their background, where they come from, how their family is, so how does that play into our relationships?

And is that something, if we're in a relationship with somebody or we're seeking, we're dating somebody, should we be concerned about their background?

[00:05:09] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah. So, one of the things that I recommend, in the book is that one of the questions that you ask before you're in a committed relationship with someone, and if you're already in one, it's okay. It's never too late to ask, um, about family dynamics. So, this is one of the most important things to be aware of.

No family's perfect. Every family is going to have their imperfections, their flaws, the skeletons in the closet people don't want to talk about. Yeah. But if you have the awareness and open communication with your partner, then you kind of know, okay, is this the right baggage for me, particularly to be taking on with someone's family of origin, like their, immediate family?

The thing that I say often about, blending two people with two different backgrounds, no matter how similar you are culturally or faith wise, that you're still different. And it's like when you're traveling into a different country, you have to learn. The nuances and customs and maybe be aware of the language.

let's say you're going to be there for a while. You move to a new country; you're going to be there for like six months. You have to kind of understand that they're a different country. They're different. They operate differently. And it's not that your country is wrong for doing things differently.

It's not that theirs is wrong. It's just different. So, in order to really adapt and blend into that new culture, you have to understand a lot of things and learn them. And so having that curious mind and just being open to learning can make a really huge difference instead of having a more of a judgmental mind of Oh, you guys do things this way.

Uh, well that's the wrong way. Or that's so different because sometimes couples I work with often get really surprised. And we don't really know the inside of anyone's family besides our own. So, we think the way our family growing up did things was just normal because that's all we know. And so, when you start blending those two and you're like, oh my goodness, they do things so differently.

It's hard not to get into that judgmental, like who's better or not. But if you just view it as differently and we're just learning each other, then that really helps too.

[00:07:13] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah, because I can see that going even to, one person is comfortable holding hands in public. One is not, maybe they never saw their parents really give affection. And so, they're like, yeah, they totally love each other. And that's normal. And the other person thinks, oh my gosh, they're not showing it. That must mean there's a problem, right?

[00:07:34] Dr. Christie Kederian: Totally. That happened with my husband and myself. Yeah, in our relationship. So yeah, it's really interesting with assumptions that you make too.

[00:07:42] Shanenn Bryant: So you're saying this should be an actual intentional conversation that we choose to have instead of, because I think what we do a lot is just let it play out, like just ride the wave and then go, Oh, they do things that way because you're saying no, have an intentional conversation about it.

[00:08:01] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yes, 100%. Obviously, I think it depends on someone's culture and their connection to their family. In my cultural background, I'm Armenian, and it's a very family-oriented culture. What I've seen is that because the families are so connected to each other, there's a lot of you So much of how their family, how people say always did things bleed over into their own adult life, their values.

But even if you're with someone or you are someone that maybe you're estranged from your family, you're not very close, you see each other a few times a year, whatever it is, how you grew up is the number one significant factor to how you create your new relationship. So, whether you hated it, you loved it, you're connected or not, it's part of you.

So, understanding that can really help to color in the lines between what you might not be understanding about your partner or some miscommunication or disconnection. Some of that really intentional conversation can bring that to light and help you just really form that intimacy.

[00:09:03] Shanenn Bryant: Can you maybe talk through how we have that conversation? I'm just thinking the person listening to this podcast, they most likely have come from a dysfunctional background. And so, I'm almost thinking of the way of, and I remember this in my own relationship because struggling with jealousy and insecurity in my relationship, my dad being an alcoholic, it always felt, I was, I was pretty ashamed to talk about it.

I was embarrassed to talk about it and then trying to figure out like the right time and the right way to talk about that. So, can you help us? How do we have that conversation, especially if it's the first time?

[00:09:42] Dr. Christie Kederian: Definitely. And I think it's a really important conversation to think about, for yourself, how you want to share, how you feel comfortable sharing your own background, as well as learning about that person, the person you're dating or that you're in a relationship with. So, I always say it's a progressive process.

So, you might share, let's say you went through a really difficult divorce and you're dating again, and you don't want to spend the whole first day kind of rehashing. Oh, and then this happened that happened because that will really kill the connection on the spot. 

I say is like, you can share and be authentic without telling the whole story.

A lot of people feel like if they don't tell the whole story, they're not being honest, but that's not true. You're just sharing whatever you feel comfortable with at the moment. So, a line that I share with clients often is, creating kind of an elevator pitch for the situation you're in. So yeah, I went, recently went through a divorce.

It was really challenging in a lot of ways, but it taught me that…. this and this and this is what I'm looking for. You know, I'm happy to share more if we continue in the process of getting to know each other. So, something as simple as that can really help people feel like, hey, the way that they're talking about this makes it seem like they've really processed and worked through it in a place that they're, if they're in a healthy place to be in a new relationship.

Now when people go through my ex did this and their a terrible person or same with family, Oh my, my, you know, dad did this. My mom did this. Like when we don't have that own healing, it will definitely come out in the way that you talk about something and the way that, the person that you're with talks about something.

So, I would say kind of create a way to talk about it. That doesn't necessarily go into the whole, story. So, you feel like you have a vulnerability hangover. And then as you continue to get to know someone, so if you're already in a serious relationship, really asking more about what their upbringing was like.

So, this might come out just in more organic ways. let's say you're watching a movie and the character in that, had some serious Severe, issues with substance abuse and sharing like, oh wow, like that really, you know, brought up some things for me from what I've processed, like in my own past and using some of those opportunities to create connection or even asking them like, oh yeah, this made me think about, family dynamics and, what was yours like growing up or whatever.

So, understanding like how we can weave conversations in can be really helpful. also sometimes meeting friends or family, um, or, having those connection points can also help because it will give you context, into what sort of questions you want to ask somebody about as well.

[00:12:15] Shanenn Bryant: Thank you for sharing that. I think that's so helpful because I know that's something that people, you know, I It's always Oh, how much do I share and when do I share it? And what should I say? So, I was thinking about something when you were talking. what if, so if somebody, what if maybe that person really is interested, like you make a comment, like you said, there's something on and you start to share and you give just a little bit of background and then they are asking questions. 

Is there a point where you think, and maybe this is just old, you dating, strategies or tricks, but is there a point where you don't want to keep answering those questions? Like, can you say too much too early, even if they're asking?

[00:12:55] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah. Yeah. huh. You basically, you don't want to ask, you don't want to answer too much early on in the dating process, even if they're asking, because they might genuinely be curious and it might be coming from a good place. So, what you don't realize is that is more of a block towards connection, unfortunately, rather than a conduit towards more connection.

So, you want to make sure, especially in the early stages of dating that you're focusing on that like connection between the two of you, only on your past or only on your future. You really want to pay attention to talking about things in the present. So, I think you can definitely redirect.

If they keep asking and not understand your boundary, that's where saying something like, I'm so happy to share more, but you know, maybe as we get to know each other, I can open up a little bit more about it. how someone reacts to your boundary tells you a lot about them. So, they keep like prying. 

Asking 20 questions and all this stuff and you just feel uncomfortable and they're not sensing that could be that there's some misalignment there. but generally, someone will respect those boundaries, and you can always revisit those. What we recommend in our 10 dates to soulmate strategy is that anything that kind of was lingering earlier on before you're in an exclusive relationship, you can revisit that.

So hey, I know we were talking about like your relationship with your ex, a few weeks ago, I'm curious about. X, Y, and Z, whatever was still lingering because now you've built enough that you really like them, and you want to get to know them. If we're talking about, your whole relationship history on the second date, we don't even know if we like spending, you know, you know, the same amount of time in a room with this person, why, there's no need to go there yet.

But at that point, you want to understand more about who they are. If you're ready to make that next step into a relationship. Yes. Yeah.

[00:14:37] Shanenn Bryant: Okay. So, thank you so much for that. I also know, there are some people that might be like, I just wanna say everything. we just kind of go into it sometimes with that. Like, I just wanna put everything on the table because if they can't handle that or they can't, that, that sort of mentality, thinking that, oh, I just want them to know everything and then okay…can handle it or not?

[00:14:59] Dr. Christie Kederian: The thing I warned against with that too, is that sometimes it creates a false sense of intimacy because you're sharing, these really deep and vulnerable things, and then they're listening to you. And it just creates this like almost therapy relationship, so to speak. And while it might feel good that someone's listening to you and hearing your story.

We really want to know about if there's really true and deep chemistry and connection and intimacy that is deeper than just that superficial, like, oh, then what happened? Kind of why we 

read the tabloids and things like that. So, you want to pay attention to that and keep that in mind, because it might feel good to do that and connect over, these stories that were really vulnerable for you.

But at the same time, we want to make sure that this is the right person to share that with.

[00:15:44] Shanenn Bryant: We were talking about response, and you were talking about specifically response to boundaries, but I know that, especially when you're feeling jealous, you're feeling insecure, you've got this dysfunctional background. It gets really hard. Sometimes people really struggle with, how much of this do I share? 

What are they going to think about me when I share it? So, is there anything that we should be looking for in terms of how they actually respond to it? Or like, what do we, what do we want out of it by telling them, I guess is also potentially a question.

[00:16:22] Dr. Christie Kederian: yeah. So, I always recommend that once you share something vulnerable about yourself, whether it's something that you struggle with around jealousy or other dysfunctional patterns, you always want to recognize if that person can demonstrate empathy. That's probably one of the Number one, red flags that people that, are prone to narcissism or are just not able to be in a healthy relationship.

They won't have the ability to really show sincere empathy of wow, I didn't have that experience. But hearing that and imagining myself walking in your shoes, that must be so difficult. So that really like felt experience. you feel like they're really listening, understanding that and they demonstrate empathy over time is a really important thing to pay attention to.

And the other thing that I'll say is that I think oftentimes people can minimize someone else's experience or pain or struggle if they don't experience the same thing. So, you want to pay attention to someone who minimizes that or Oh, that's not a big deal. Or, oh, you shouldn't feel that way.

The truth is you do feel that way. And while you may be working on it with a therapist, or it might be more of an internal thing. It might have nothing to do with your partner, the person you're dating, the way that they're able to come alongside you and say, you know what, this is big for you. So, I'm going to really hold that space for it as well and support you however I can. 

Sometimes that's in what they do. And sometimes they really can't do anything. That's something you have to work on your own. That's going to be a really important thing to develop for a healthy relationship as you go through your own process with it.

[00:17:54] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Gosh, it's such a hard conversation to have. I know people just get really nervous about talking about their past like that.

[00:18:02] Dr. Christie Kederian: Totally. Yeah. Yeah. And I think like sometimes, especially with jealousy or triggers from past relationships, sometimes it's hard to really understand, okay, is this my own trigger from a past relationship or is this really about what this person is doing? And so, what I really recommend working on and focusing on is, okay, separating kind of the facts from the feelings like, okay, this person did this thing, and it feels really familiar to this past betrayal or something that my ex did or whatever.

Versus Oh, they're actually doing the same thing that this, you know, my ex did or whatever that is. And I think how someone responds when you communicate that you're triggered. So, let's say, you know, they do something unintentionally that triggers you and you say, hey, like I'm feeling this way. This is what happened.

If they're able to really get to a place where okay, how can I help support you? what do you need for me to work through this together? That's where really the beautiful like corrective emotional experience happens for you of oh wow, like even though I have this wound and this trigger, and this person intentionally touch it, it's that still happen and I'm able to repair and rebuild that.

And that can be a really great place of connection and trusting that, okay, this person can really be there for me even when I'm feeling this way.

[00:19:17] Shanenn Bryant: mm-hmm we tend to maybe, uh, overestimate in terms of a lot of different, when we think about relationships, it's like how many people cheat? What's the divorce rate? All of that which. Kind of adds to the anxiety of being in a relationship or starting a relationship or trying to figure out, do I want to continue the relationship that I'm in? Any stats that you can like, let me set the record straight because you guys are thinking incorrectly or yeah, you're right. That is a thing.

[00:19:52] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah, recent trends actually show that the divorce rate is actually lowering, which I think in some ways is positive. it does mirror that people aren't getting married often and they're getting married later than ever. 

But I do think that one positive from, the dating app boom is that a lot of people were able to meet others based on similar values and more deeper things rather than just oh, this is just this person I met at this random place.

They live down the street. so, if we're able to really bond and choose people, based on some of those values, that is a really great protective factor towards, like divorce or just, you know, not, not getting married. So, I think what I always recommend and encourage clients to do is not to think about the statistics.

But rather to really focus on the values and core qualities and the process of getting to know somebody because it can feel very daunting. But the truth is if you're able to work on yourself and you're able to find someone who you're willing to grow with, that's really the recipe for a healthy relationship.

So, I wouldn't really worry in that sense of, thinking about the statistics, I would just focus on, okay, one person at a time. And you're really looking for one person.

[00:21:09] Shanenn Bryant: and I, I, you know, I don't know that that's necessarily a bad thing if people are waiting until later to get married, especially if the divorce rates going down, it just maybe shows Hey, we're being more serious and thoughtful about it. And we’re dating longer or dating to make sure dating more to make sure that person is a match for us.

[00:21:28] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah, definitely. I think that a lot of people, and because of just culture and society, there's not necessarily the need, especially for women, they don't necessarily feel that need in a more financial career-oriented sense to get married as maybe 20, 30 years ago. so that does give more independence and less Okay.

I just have to marry somebody because that's what we do. And hopefully, I've worked with a lot of single women that feel like society still stigmatizes that. But I think that ultimately you never want to be in a marriage that you're just in because you felt like there was, that was your only option.

You really want to be focusing on the deeper qualities and discovering like what's really important to you. For a long-lasting relationship and finding someone who aligns with that.

[00:22:15] Shanenn Bryant: so along the same lines of that, I want to talk about chemistry cause that's such a, we always hear that like I either had chemistry with them or I didn't or we're in a relationship and we're like, ah, the chemistry's gone, we used to have it. So yeah.

 how important is it? Is it something that we should be paying attention to? Do we not really know what chemistry is? If it looks like,

[00:22:37] Dr. Christie Kederian: yeah. I think a lot of people confuse chemistry, for that initial spark in like on a first day or you're like initially drawn to someone. And actually, chemistry has a lot more to do with the connection with someone over a period of time. And I think there's different types of chemistry.

So, a lot of times people think, okay, like this is physical chemistry and that's what I'm looking for. But really, There's physical chemistry. There's emotional chemistry, intellectual chemistry. There's different ways that we really connect and blend with people. And so, I think that is really what's key and fundamental to focus on is, okay, there's ways that I'm going to connect with this person.

And chemistry is really important, but this is only, one piece of the puzzle. There's also a lot of other things that it takes to make a relationship work. I think sometimes people over prioritize this like feeling of Oh, I just love being around this person. They just get me and that sort of thing that often has a lot more to do with our past and our upbringing and what feels familiar to us instead of like, oh, actually this person is a really good fit for me.

And I think that piece, is what's really important. A lot of times, women that I work with especially believe that they know right away if they have chemistry with someone, but the research actually says it usually takes around five to seven dates for women to understand if they have chemistry with someone.

And men, it usually takes a little bit less, like around one to two dates. But you all, you have the ingredients to, reconnect, have that spark if you're already in a relationship and rebuild that chemistry. and it has a lot to do with the emotional side of really connecting and being vulnerable and aligning with somebody as well.

[00:24:19] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Cause we could have maybe that physical part go down, but if the emotional. Connection is going up and that emotional chemistry. It's okay, maybe there's a balance there instead of just we're not quite as hot and heavy as we were in the very beginning.

[00:24:35] Dr. Christie Kederian: Totally. Yeah, people really underestimate the power of just presence and listening and being seen by someone has to build that chemistry because I think that people often think you either have it or you don’t, and they don't realize that you can actually build that chemistry or rebuild it with somebody.

[00:24:52] Shanenn Bryant: Great. okay. I was looking at our backgrounds. It's like the war of the bookshelves here. Yours looks so much better than mine. I had a ton of books up and it. Mine looked crazy and chaotic when I had a bunch, so I took some down. Yours looks perfect

[00:25:06] Dr. Christie Kederian: Love the simplicity there. It's hard.

[00:25:08] Shanenn Bryant: It's so hard. But I want to talk about your book for a second.  Why did you feel compelled to write this book?

[00:25:18] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah, so this book actually comes out of the strategy that I use to help clients, and I walk them through this strategy, and it's worked with hundreds of clients and helping them find and keep a healthy relationship. And so, it just was a natural progression of that Kind of like putting my work into a tangible form that people can read and apply, even if they're not necessarily working with me in one of our programs.

And so, I really came, up with this concept when I worked with clients or clients came to us that just felt like lost in the dating world. Like they felt they just should meet somebody, and it should just evolve and it just happens. And I think that's a really common misconception because of, you know, pop culture and these romantic comedies and you just meet the right person and then everything works itself out.

And the reality is that's not the case. You can meet a great person, but you have to really do the hard work to really understand, okay, Is this my person? Are they compatible with me? Is this the right person for me? And how do I really learn that? How do I know that someone is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?

what do I need to learn about this person? And so, the 10 roadmap really just breaks that down. this is how you get to know someone's character, if they're your person or not. And, feeling like you have a strategy and a roadmap to follow can just relieve so much of that pressure of like, should I just know?

Or like, how do I, am I missing red flags? is this the right person or not? And it, we just walk you through learning about someone's character and even for people in relationships, just really understanding, okay, how can I ask some of these questions to connect with someone that I might not have ever known about them?

And that could really help heal. Some of the things or incompatibilities that you have in your existing relationship too,

[00:27:08] Shanenn Bryant: Oh, that's so good to have kind of that roadmap because especially people who are already insecure, they're jealous, they get in relationships. And then, and I think social media also plays a pretty big role in this. Like almost now it's Oh, is that a red flag? Is that a red flag? Like everything is a red flag

[00:27:25] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah. 

[00:27:25] Shanenn Bryant: because it's talked about so much. So, I think that's great to have that roadmap. I'm probably putting you on the spot here a little bit, two things I want to ask, but. If you could pick like for the single person who is out there dating and for somebody who is in a relationship, like from your book, what would be one thing you would want each of those groups to know?

[00:27:51] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah, it's a great question. I think for the single person, what I really want them to understand is that we want to humanize people. I think with social media, with dating apps, it's really easy to just see a few pictures of someone and just be like, oh, their hair's weird or their, uh, you know, they only put this corny joke on their dating profile.

So, you know, left. And it's made kind of people feel. Expendable almost. it's okay if they're not your person, but it's made the way that we think about people. I think social media contributes to this as well as just not real people behind a screen wanting to find love. And I think the thing that I talk about, especially in the first few chapters, is really understanding for yourself, as a single person, what truly matters in the dating process and what myths.

That you have, turn into your own beliefs that have been blocking you from finding love. Sometimes it's from a place of self-protection, especially if struggle with things like insecurity or jealousy. You might find the easiest flaw about somebody. just a simple thing that makes you disqualify them completely when actually that might just be some part of, them being a human, that we have those flaws ourselves.

And, I just really encourage a lot of women are struggling with this hyper independence, this okay, I don't need someone, but they do really desire that. But because they don't want to get hurt, they're just willing to kind see any potential flaw as a red flag and understanding, like, how do I slowdown that process and instead just think, okay, is there enough here that I'm interested in going on one date instead of, do I want to marry this person?

And slowing down the process can really help you understand more about yourself. which will eventually help you be a much better partner in the long term with whoever you do date or marry. But I think a lot of women kind of mistake having this like intuition or I just know and that might really be like your past trauma just trying to protect you but it's also blocking you from finding love.

[00:29:58] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Oh, I didn't. I've never thought about that. And just all I need to decide, like, I just am going on a date, not oh, am I going to like this or not?

[00:30:10] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yes, exactly. And we think if we see someone's profile, we should decide Oh, I'm going to, be, should I, am I going to marry this person? It's that's, way too far down the road. And I think because we often have this microwave mentality in today's society, like we just want to, we just want to know, we don't want to waste our time.

Like on to the next, we can often feel that slows down the process of connecting with somebody. and I would say for married people, I think that the thing that I really, love and I think is, can be a secret recipe to understanding more about your partner is really understanding their background, their upbringing, more about their parents’ relationship that we found, has such a big implication into how they show up in your relationship. And I think people don't really understand enough about how someone's past can, it has influenced who they are today. And as a therapist, I'm obviously prone to wanting to understand more about people's past, but I think people just don't ask enough questions or they accept it.

Accept situations at face value that maybe your spouse went through and we're thinking, we think, why can't this person change or why are they like this or whatever that is. But once we really dig a little bit deeper, we, it can bring a new perspective and understanding. Not that it excuses if there is, bad behavior going on in relationships, but the understanding can really help you also understand how do I support my spouse in maybe kind of processing this, whatever this is. So, I think really bringing the family back into the relationships in that understanding piece is really valuable. I always say, and I think I think this is really true of relationships.

They talk about this when it comes to parenting, but I think it's true of relationships as well. Like we don't really have a village mentality anymore and it's very like, okay, it's us too. And everybody else is not part of the system really. but they're invisibly there, whether you or not.

And I think that often really hurts relationships because there's so much pressure on your partner and on yourself to just be. everything for your partner, like your business partner, your emotional person, you want to like all the same hobbies and go to the same movies and things like that.

And I think that's too much of a burden for a relationship to bear and it creates a lot of struggles. And so, building a village around your relationship is a concept I talk about that I think can really help a lot of struggling relationships just Prosper and just feel so much more healthy

[00:32:39] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. and I know you talk about attachment styles and how those affect your relationship. We know they're huge in relationships and. It, I think it's so important what you're saying because we know insecure attachment styles usually get in relationships with other insecure attachments. so, you've got, both of you have stuff there. And so that's certainly going to play in the relationship.

[00:33:04] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah, definitely and the good news about people that struggle with insecure attachment is that if you are with someone let's say you're more anxiously attached and they're also more anxiously attached, the research actually shows that you have a good chance of working together towards secure attachment.

And likewise, if you're both avoided, you can work together. The dynamic that you don't want to create is that anxious avoidant. cycle. And the thing that I think is important to pay attention to is where you are in the spectrum and how this plays into your relationship in different phases and in different ways.

So, I think people say, okay, I'm anxiously attached, but they don't recognize where it's showing up and then what they can really do about it. And I do talk about that in the book of like, what's the tangible action I need to take if I'm anxious and this keeps happening or, you know.

[00:33:52] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Such good information. one of my things is to get people who are feeling insecure and feeling jealous in their relationships to, talk about it, to feel like if when they're ready and talk about it, not, but. Mostly not be so ashamed that they're feeling that way. So, I love to ask my guests if they have ever felt jealous or insecure in their relationships. And if so, do you feel comfortable sharing some, an instance that might've happened?

[00:34:28] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah, sure. I can't really think of in my relationship, but I've definitely struggled with insecurity and jealousy. I think one thing that, has really helped me, I think it's more so in career in some ways, but in just in general, in life sometimes, especially with social media, just thinking like, Oh, this person's so far ahead of me. I struggled a lot with that when I was single and feeling like, oh, another person got engaged or another person, is having a baby and, and just really feeling like maybe those things aren't going to happen for me. But one thing I really learned that helped me. From a, like therapist perspective is that I've worked with people from all walks of life, but I work with a lot of people that, you and I would look at me like, oh, my goodness.

This person has everything. You know, they have everything in their life. They have the fame. They have. The money, whatever it is, and working with those people, realizing that there's so many things behind the curtain that we just don't know about. And obviously I would learn as a therapist or the matchmaker.

And once I've got more into that work, I've, with jealousy completely shifted because anyone I see now that even if I have a twin, I'm like, oh, I'd love that for myself. And that's really how I reframe jealousy is like, it's inspirations like, you know, ugly twin sister. It's Oh, I'd love that thing.

Or that seems so nice. And I don't have that. And so, I feel that's where the jealousy comes in. But When I really see people's whole picture, which most of us don't see, I realized like, oh, maybe I'd love this part of something that they have, but I really don't want that other part of the celebrities or those people.

It's like understanding that it's a full picture. And there's an analogy, in my faith background as a Christian, there's an analogy that's you have your cross, you're carrying your struggle. And if we all through our struggle in the middle and got to pick somebody else's, you'd be going home with your same one.

And so, it's kind of this idea of actually, whatever, I'm struggling with you for whatever reason, this is supposed to be the thing that I'm, I don't have or that I'm lacking. And because someone is better in that area, doesn't mean that I would want the thing that they're struggling with or lacking.

So I think that's really changed the game for me in a lot of ways, because I've been able to see behind the curtain of people's experiences and realize We all have things that we're going through and maybe we wish our thing wasn't our thing or our in thing that we struggled with or insecurity wasn't, but at the end of the day, it really is the thing that we're supposed to be working through maybe to help other people as well.

[00:37:02] Shanenn Bryant: Mm hmm. Yeah. I love that about the cross because that's why I said, we would never, as much as you can be jealous of someone else or, be envious, you would never trade places with them.

[00:37:12] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah.

[00:37:13] Shanenn Bryant: Like I've never found anyone that would say, yes, I would trade place. Like I would be them. Take whatever, all of their stuff, no matter what it

is, I would be them.

[00:37:23] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah. 

[00:37:23] Shanenn Bryant: we don't do that.

[00:37:26] Dr. Christie Kederian: Yeah. And there's a reason for that. So, I think that's really helped me personally and helped a lot of my clients. But I feel like it was something I struggled with a lot when I was single, not necessarily with one person, but just Oh, why did this person, how come this person, is loved or found their person and not me?

what was what am I lacking? But it ended up being, and for so many people, it's just not the right person or timing. And so, it's not, it wasn't really about, you necessarily, maybe on the surface, it was, they rejected you for some reason, but the end of the day, it was for like the best purpose.

[00:37:57] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. Dr. K, thank you so much for being here. And I am excited for your book, 10 Dates to Your Soulmate.

We will link it in the show notes. Go out, get the book.

So good. Thank you for being on Top Self.

[00:38:15] Dr. Christie Kederian: Thanks so much for having me.

[00:38:17] Shanenn Bryant: ​