Uninstall Your Triggers w/ Dr. Greg Stewart EP 107

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: Welcome back. Today I have with me Dr. Greg Stewart, who is a counselor, executive coach, and consultant. You are also a pastor for 15 years in organizational development, strategists for three years traveling the country, training, coaching leaders, doing all the things. You also have two really great books, and I'll let you talk about them when we get going here.

[00:00:27] Welcome to the show, Greg.

[00:00:29] Dr. Greg Stewart: Thank you for having me, Shanenn. It's obviously my pleasure.

[00:00:32] Shanenn Bryant: Well, so much I want to talk about today, but you've got two really great books and that's really around the conversation that we're going to have today. Can you talk about those two?

[00:00:41] Dr. Greg Stewart: Yes. So, I got 'em here. the first one came out in November. I cubed, that was just for individual, growth development counseling. But then I just came out in February with IQ for couples. Get it in the camera there. that came out in February. This is, it was easy for me to write these two books because I've been wanting to write 'em for, 20 years now.

[00:00:59] So it's just basically just one big download from the work I've been doing for a long time. I'm actually going to; my wife and I are taking a cruise here in April. I'm going to come out with my, I'm going to write my third book IQ for Leaders, so that's hopefully coming out this fall. So just, I'm in this book writing Frenzy, so it's the perfect time to do it.

[00:01:16] Yeah, nothing like a cruise to get the juices flowing. exactly. Yeah, exactly.

[00:01:21] Shanenn Bryant: Oh, we'll look for that one. I cubed for leaders. That's fantastic. one of the things that I wanted to touch on though, in your book, in one of them, you talk a lot about insecurity, and you say that it's the richest emotion as to what it can reveal.

[00:01:39] I thought that was so interesting and the points that you made were fantastic. So why do you say that insecurity is the richest emotion

[00:01:50] Dr. Greg Stewart: So first I wanna say that we should not be avoidant of or fear of any negative emotions whatsoever because at the most base level, we have negative emotions every day. Like stress, like I've got to get the laundry done, I've got this paper to write, or what have you. So negative emotions aren't bad at all. When it comes to the more personal emotions, like insecurity. I like using this analogy. I say, okay, everybody just pictures the house behind you, and that is the house of your heart. And what do we do naturally as humans? 

We stand on the front lawn and we're guarding the house of our heart, and we're looking at all the people in the front lawn facing us that triggered us, that upset us. And it's not to negate the fact that they did may or may not have done something, most likely did do something that upset us. So, if you like insulted me, gave me a wrong look or something, that's fair. So, I can have negative emotion around, Shanenn, give me a dirty look right. issue is not that Shanenn gave me a dirty look because on a scale of one to 10, what actually bad happens when Shanenn gives me a dirty look?

[00:02:49] It's one or two. The issue I deal with throughout the book, in both the first book and the second book for couples is really what I call the inflation of emotion. And the inflation of emotion is really what we have to address. So, I see if you have an issue that it's a one or two technically, but you're at a six, seven, or eight, we have to stop because my six, seven or eight is not Shanenn's issue. The one or two is, and I'll say, Hey, Shanenn, why'd you gimme a dirty look? But the 6,7, or 8 is not Shanenn's issue. And so, when I dumped that six, seven, or eight on you, it causes problems and it doesn't restore the relationship, right?

[00:03:27] So you could have given me a dirty look and I address it with you. Say, hey, what's going on? Well, I'm a little upset about this or this, and oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I. Problem, resolve, we're back restored. But if I dump on you a six, seven, or eight, it damages our relationship, right? And we have negative emotions, relationships, all the time. So, I say we have to turn around and walk into the house of our heart, and that first room actually is insecurity because we're human. The first thing we feel. Is insecurity. So, I'll just go through really quick the three reasons for the inflation of emotion. Number one, it has to do with that we believe lies about situation like Shanenn meant to, or she doesn't want to do have anything to do with me. She thinks I'm disgusting - or whatever it is. 

[00:04:07] Shanenn Bryant: Mm. Mm-hmm.

[00:04:08] Dr. Greg Stewart: we inflate it because of lies we believe or something as simple as the situation. Like I'll never get a job. What we believe something is exaggerated is that it's going to inflate our emotions. The second reason has to do with that room of insecurity because off the Room of insecurity is a doorway that leads into the basement, then the basement is the machine of our identity value worth. So, if you've ever heard of someone saying. Hey, you're taking it personally. What that means is that you're insecure and you're defensive because there's some insecurity is something we don't like about ourselves, but we don't want it pointed out. And the issue is not that we don't like about ourselves.  The issue is we don't want it exposed. And if we don’t want it exposed. We want to keep it hidden, which means we don't own it. And it inflates the emotion, and we take it personally. That means that the insult or whatever it is, is impacting our value and worth. And it should not. So, in the book, I make major strides to delete all insecurities to take.

[00:05:05] The key is to take power and control away from our environment. Not influence, but power and control away from our environment. I. Strengthen our identity, value and worth, and then solidify our own confidence so we can actually deal with our negative emotions. So, in the machine is our machine of identity and worth.

[00:05:21] So we take things personally. That's the second reason. The third reason is in the basement is over in the corner. The dark, musty, dingy corner is the seller of trauma. Now there's Big T trauma, little T trauma, and we hear that word. Not all of us have been through Big T trauma. obviously, hopefully it's rare, but little T Trauma, I would say almost all of us have been through little T Trauma, a bad breakup, a divorce, job loss being laid off. We've all. I'll experience that. And the reason for that inflating our emotions is because when our mental model goes into a situation, our mental model just gets response to situations, scoops up emotion from that past event or events, and throws it on this situation and inflates it. So, insecurity really is the door because that's a first on the surface level where we believe lies about different things easily. we go into the basement, which is off that room of insecurity. That's why I say insecurity is so powerful that exposes us that we need to walk into.

[00:06:18] Shanenn Bryant: My gosh, yes. So much there. I wanna back up because I think what something I really wanna make sure sinks in with people that you said was, okay, say I give you a dirty look or I write a crappy email to you. What you're saying, a lot of times it's like we; we have emotion about that and we have to dump it somewhere.

[00:06:36] We have to blame someone. And what you're saying is it could be a split, right? That two? Yes. Okay. That was a rude email that you sent me, or that was a rude look that you gave me. I can address that part of it, but the part where, you know, it's kind of like feedback. It's like people take what you literally said, but then they put all of their own mix into it, which is what makes it feel so big.

[00:07:04] Dr. Greg Stewart: I worked with residential treatment center girls, teenage girls, and I loved it. Had a great relationship with 'em. My heart for them was huge, but I was pointed with them at times because I wanted to free them and sometimes it takes that joke to free us. So, this one gal, girl said, Dr. Gray, that's what he used to call me, Dr. Gr. She's pushing my buttons. I said, well honey. Uninstall your buttons.

[00:07:26] Shanenn Bryant: I love it.

[00:07:26] Dr. Greg Stewart: She's pushing your buttons. The issue is you have buttons to push and those are insecurities, guys. I mean we, that if I have buttons to push, that's my insecurity that you can do something.

[00:07:39] Shanenn Bryant: can trigger me to the point where I lose control emotionally, whether it be internally or externally.

[00:07:43] Dr. Greg Stewart: Another girl said, “Dr. Greg, she called me a, you know, blank.”  I said, girl, the issue isn't that she called you that the issue is you agree with her and you didn't want her pointing it out.

Again, it's being able to face it. So it actually, it came from a story many years ago now, like actually literally 40 now. Ooh. When I was four, so to tell you my age, right? So age myself, I was 14, so I'm 54 now. I was 14. I'm from Michigan originally. I worked at a hamburger joint. We're all friends there.

[00:08:10] Dr. Greg Stewart: We had a great time, but Shanenn, full disclosure, I used to be a really sarcastic teenage boy. I'm not that anymore, as you can tell. I've grown a lot, right? But I used to be a sew, sarcastic teenage boy, and I made this girl cry, and she was a friend of mine. I made this girl cry so bad. I tease her so bad, excuse me.

[00:08:26] One time I made her cry, and as she's walking away, I yell out, you wouldn't get so ticked off if it wasn't true. And I stopped because it became a defining moment for me, and I stopped and went, oh my gosh, Greg, every time. Every time you get angry, defensive, upset, just people writhing that when they tease you, it's because there has to be truth to it. Then I stepped back. I mean, I'm born to be a counselor. I guess. I stepped back and just started of observing people and every time we would trash talk each other, we'd only use. Don't tidbits that are true except for like your mama jokes, right? 

[00:08:57] Shanenn Bryant: Right,

[00:08:58] Dr. Greg Stewart: We're all defensive of our mama, right? Those wouldn't be true. It doesn't matter, right? So I found that a lot of time it had to be truth. Well, the issue was, so how do you do it? So again, going back to RTC Girls, I, I just challenged 'em and I gathered them together and I said, okay, girls, I gave you permission to say whatever you want to trigger me. I give your permission, they said, okay, Dr. Greg, you have a big nose, your hair's thinning. You have a dad bod, and you're so ADHD extra. And I used to think that whole extra comment was a compliment. I was like, thank you. I'm mixture, right?

[00:09:27] Shanenn Bryant: Until you learn the lingo, right? Yeah.

[00:09:30] Dr. Greg Stewart: I learned the lingo and I said to them, I said, girls, everything you said is 100% true. I own it. Now what? as soon as I said, now what? They literally stopped and said nothing. So, I completely took all the power and energy away from them because it takes that negative energy of defensiveness and insecurity to keep it going. But when you own it, I say use a technique called, embrace the digs where somebody just makes a dig at me and I agree with it, and it's like, oh my gosh, I am so horrible at that.

[00:09:59] I'm surprised I have anybody as a friend, there's nowhere there for them to take it. So, if you agree with it, because it gets, takes the power away from it. So big deal, right? Embrace the dig. So that's really what it's about. Like when it comes to us as individuals, but especially in our marriages and as couples, because we're the most exposed in those types of relationships when we take away the insecurities because it's either true, but I don't want to own it. Or a lot of times a statement might not be true at all, but we respond as if it were. And then third, that's a whole insecurity produced from gossip,

[00:10:34] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:10:35] Dr. Greg Stewart: spread negative things about us. I talk about how to deal with. That.

[00:10:38] Shanenn Bryant: Mm-hmm.

[00:10:39] Dr. Greg Stewart: So, if it's true you just have to own it and take back the power by strengthening your own identity, value and worth and say, these are my strengths, these are my weaknesses.

[00:10:46] It's like an EI skill. I did my PhD on emotional intelligence; it's called self-regard. Self-regard is ownership over both your strengths and your weaknesses, if it's something you can improve, you create a strategy to improve it. And if you can't improve it, like a physical feature, unless you get, you know, plastic surgery, but if you can't, then you accept it a s true because everybody has those insecurities, and we wish we had looked different in some way.

[00:11:12] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:11:12] Dr. Greg Stewart: So, it's just maturity and self-regarding and emotional intelligence.

[00:11:16] Shanenn Bryant: Could sometimes it be like what you were saying is, okay, maybe this is true, like that's going to trigger me because this is true about me. Can it also be. That. I also believe that about me, like it might not be true, but I have that belief about me and that's why it's triggering because that's two different things, right?

[00:11:36] It is true. And then I believe it.

[00:11:38] Dr. Greg Stewart: So, my favorite one, um, and it always, I don't know, the RTC taught me so much about this kind of stuff. So, the girls, the number one way for girls to bully other girls, right? You're ugly and you're fat.

[00:11:50] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:11:50] Dr. Greg Stewart: So, when it came to the ugly, I had a quick response because, of the two of our species, sorry, ladies, were the ugly ones, right?

[00:11:59] So between the two, and I told every girl, I said, do you realize that, that some point in the future, every girl, every one of you, you're gonna, you're gonna date or marry a guy that's gonna be all over you 24 7, and you are gonna wish you were ugly. It's like, it's like you don't, you don't do yourself up just for the purpose of trying to repel the guy a little.

[00:12:19] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:12:20] Dr. Greg Stewart: And ugly is so subjective. secondly, when it comes to fat, I said the key is this. If you went to the doctor and the doctor said, hey, you have to deal with this. Like, right. So, I imagine if, a girl called you fat and you said to her, Hey, listen, you know what? I went to the doctor. The doctor gave me the whole diet and exercise conversation.

[00:12:39] I own it. So, I actually met up with a nutritionist. I got a gym membership and I'm going three days a week. Because you're right, I own it. 

[00:12:46] Now what? I love that again, that final question. Now what that, what would the girl respond? The bully? either like that she continue, which would expose her at this point because if there were other girls around or she would say, oh my gosh, Good job. I mean, I mean, there's nowhere for her to take it.

[00:13:02] Shanenn Bryant: It really shuts it down.

[00:13:04] Dr. Greg Stewart: even if it's like according to the BMI, of course you have the girls that are not remotely, matter of fact, they need to gain

[00:13:09] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:13:10] Dr. Greg Stewart: So, it's not true, but they believe it'd be true. So, it's just, it's, I don't care what the truth is. Meaning. The, the freedom is not in the in positive. I hate the positive versus negative psychology

[00:13:20] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:13:20] Dr. Greg Stewart: I get statements, I get that. But motivation for the future versus declaring something like I'm the greatest golfer in the world. Like full swing three just came out on Netflix. Like I would love to be a pro golfer, Greg, dude, the ship of sail buddy. Right? 

[00:13:33] Shanenn Bryant: Not gonna happen. Right.

[00:13:35] Dr. Greg Stewart: Not gonna happen. So, it's just whatever the truth is, it's. good or bad, just own it because we have to build off of that, and that's where the most successful people, the most successful people, basically own it because in the avoidance of anything negative means that we are stuck.

[00:13:52] Shanenn Bryant: We are stuck in our growth. I don't care who you are, but once you own it and you capitalize on it, because the quick question is, has there ever been anybody who's had it worse than me, you know, uh, worse traits or whatever, and yet became incredibly successful? Well, gee, the supposed a hundred billion people who've lived on planet Earth, the answer is yes.

[00:14:12] Right.

[00:14:12] Dr. Greg Stewart: fact, we know of people. So why the answer is the freedom in owning it. I'm on this mission, like in our culture that we play so much of our identity, value and worth. I need you to validate me, pursue me, acknowledge me, whatever. order for me to be, to feel good about

[00:14:31] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:14:32] Dr. Greg Stewart: and this's just death.

[00:14:33] It is just, I don't care. I don't care where you are politically or our morally. I don't care where you are. Just as a, from my vantage point as a therapist, if you place your value and worth. Contingent upon somebody else approving, validating, whatever the case is, you're going to be in big trouble.

[00:14:49] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:14:49] Dr. Greg Stewart: You’re just gonna be an emotional mess.

[00:14:51] So I'm trying to free people from that. From that need, from that contingency pattern.

[00:14:56] Shanenn Bryant: what an interesting exercise that I'm thinking because all the time we're always, we're trained and told to like, oh, capitalize on your strengths and promote your strengths. And what you're saying is let's look at maybe some of the negatives that you have and just. Own them and be okay with it and know that which I think in doing so, you know, kind of jokingly, like my husband knows that I'll just say something before I think.

[00:15:20] And so he knows now like, okay, give her a second. She'll get there in a minute and correct herself, or whatever it is. But then also, it can be something as maybe I, I. Flake out on plans that I make because when it comes time to do it, then, uh, and my friends might know that and go, okay, we gotta help Shanenn because she's gonna flake, or whatever that is.

[00:15:41] Dr. Greg Stewart: But hey, that's me and I'm owning it, and I can be strong in saying, these are my weaknesses and these are my strengths.

[00:15:49] so there's two kinds of, weaknesses. One is personality and temperament. Weaknesses, which is what you're referring to. The second is the weaknesses when it comes to skillset like golf, I'm just not gonna be good enough,

[00:15:59] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:16:00] Dr. Greg Stewart: That's just an ownership of, and there's nothing to do on our personality.

[00:16:03] Weaknesses. The key phrase is like, sometimes Greg, you can be so, or sometimes Greg, you can be two.

[00:16:10] Shanenn Bryant: those I do need to own because I could

[00:16:12] Yeah.

[00:16:13] Dr. Greg Stewart: intense, too belligerent, too sarcastic. On those weaknesses. I need to imitate the exact opposite temperament, especially because the two way seven weaknesses.

[00:16:23] When a strength taken too far becomes a weakness, and that happens when we experience negative emotion

[00:16:28] Shanenn Bryant: Uh.

[00:16:28] Dr. Greg Stewart: When I'm Uh tense, I want, I'm gonna run home to my core temperament, which means I'm going to, in my temperament. I'm gonna be too aggressive, so I need to pull back and imitate, passivity and calmness, even though I have all this energy.

[00:16:43] Again, emotional intelligence,

[00:16:44] Shanenn Bryant: that's when you have negative emotions, you need to, extroverts need to pull back. Introverts need to pull out some temperaments. Run away from conflict. When you need time to think, that's fine, but you have to reengage. You have to pull yourself out. So, intelligence is.

[00:17:00] Dr. Greg Stewart: Either the control of pulling back or the generation of emotional energy because emotion is energy. The second way to ever weakness is simply like that whole extra thing is like you are who you are when the situation's calling for something else, right? So, when I would come on the unit. Seven o'clock in the morning, I'm all wired up.

[00:17:20] Been up since five and the girls are just getting up. They haven't had their meds yet, and Greg, Dr. Greg's there being extra. So, it's not that I'm having negative emotions. Right. The second way is like picture, like being in class with the teacher or the teacher. Once the teacher's lecturing, Greg needs to be quiet, but when the teacher is asking for feedback from the class, the introverts need to step up.

[00:17:41] Shanenn Bryant: Right,

[00:17:42] Dr. Greg Stewart: That's it. Situational others awareness is the other key. So, a weakness is something that we have to grow and own it. Because the only way we're gonna grow in it, and we can grow in it, is to own it on the personality side. The other side is just skillset sets. If you don't have a certain skill set, then it's okay. Every person, I mean, thousands of people I've worked with, everybody's got skillsets that they can capitalize on. So, there's that other weakness that we just need to simply own.

[00:18:06] Shanenn Bryant: Oh, I think that's so good, and I loved that you said strength taken too far is a weakness because somebody can be, really fantastic and really driven at work. But they take it too far. They're a workaholic. They're never home with their family. If that's a problem. if that become, that could be a situation.

[00:18:25] So I love that strength taken too far can also be a weakness because we don't tend to look at those things. It's oh, what am I not good at? Or I don't do that I should be doing. Not necessarily things like, oh, I'm really hammering this home and oh, it is a problem.

[00:18:43] Dr. Greg Stewart: Very much so. And that just on the encouragement that, when I talk about, in identity may worth one piece is I call it pursuit of self. and I tell everybody that, that when I sat right here, 'cause me this book, I wrote this book because I ran through with this system of Greg, right?

[00:18:56] Because I had a lot of growth. I went, you know, way back in the day, 10 years ago. 15 years ago, now, I had an emotional affair, and that's what kind of, just rocked my world as a pastor in a marriage council. I'm like, what's going on here? But it turned into a 10-year deep dive into Greg to figure all this stuff out, right? So, I mean, I can say now, and that's the whole goal of all this, is I'm stronger now than I've

[00:19:15] Shanenn Bryant: Hey.

[00:19:16] Dr. Greg Stewart: been. I'm more confident, more secure, right? Definitely not more skilled, right? But I'm more confident. and it comes to emotional intelligence. In pursuit of self. I sat right here, and I said, okay.

[00:19:27] when I'm at my best in each of my roles, like when I'm at my best as a therapist, as a husband, as a father, now as a grandfather as of February

[00:19:34] Shanenn Bryant: Oh, congrats.

[00:19:36] Dr. Greg Stewart: Thank you. So, when I'm at my best in each of my roles, do I like that, Greg? I do. I like that, Greg. Now what happens?  Because I'm not always at my best. When I have failures and weaknesses, I tell every client by the plain and simple fact that you can't stand it when you fail, proves it's not who you are at your core.

[00:19:56] Shanenn Bryant: Mm.

[00:19:57] Dr. Greg Stewart: a lot to deal with there, but that's where I point to the sign behind you.. “Progress, not perfection.”

[00:20:02] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:20:03] Dr. Greg Stewart: Your trajectory of growth up into the right then keep going because who you are, your identity value worth is you at your best. Your identity is simply facts about yourselves. And then some of those facts increase your value and worth, decrease it or don't impact it. That's fine. Create a strategy for those things you wanna improve and keep pro, keep working at it because who you are at your core is not your fears and weaknesses.

[00:20:29] Shanenn Bryant: just not who you are is who you are at your best. So, it takes the impact of failures and weaknesses down from devastating to just disappointing. Same thing in that whole idea of when it comes to identity, value and worth every human being ever. Shanenn, like from birth, we get our value and worth from our parents and their pursuit of us.

[00:20:48] Dr. Greg Stewart: it's unavoidable. And matter of fact, if it's supposed to be healthy, it's to be a good thing cause our parents pursue it. So, if a child feels pursued by his or her parents, right, which means unconditional love, 

[00:20:58] Shanenn Bryant: Right. 

[00:20:58] Dr. Greg Stewart: and equipping for success, then a child has a high value worth.

[00:21:02] But what happens? And there's a whole spectrum of healthy to unhealthy, what do we save kids. That child has a low self-worth.

[00:21:08] Shanenn Bryant: Mm-hmm.

[00:21:08] Dr. Greg Stewart: At some point we add to the formula. Our peers, of course, and then significant others, teaches bosses, coaches, you know, but eventually, I say to every adult, every adult must make the conscious choice to remove every other adult or every other human being from that formula. Why? Because my value and worth cannot be contingent upon somebody pursuing me. So, this is what you say, I don't need, like my wife, I don't need my wife to validate, pursue me. I want her to, but I don't need her to, because I'm solidifying my own value and worth.

[00:21:36] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:21:36] Dr. Greg Stewart: That doesn't change, does not change the definition of relationship, which I call safety and pursuit, change the standards does not change expectations because I have very high expectations, especially in marriage. For marriage and that relationship. It should be phenomenal. Just everything we dream of. I really believe that. It does not change that. What it changes is my need for it versus my want for it because my, I am worth being pursued. 

[00:22:01] Shanenn Bryant: Mm-hmm. 

[00:22:02] Dr. Greg Stewart: As we

[00:22:02] Shanenn Bryant: with that, if we get right down to it in security, because we don't, we're not pursued by the way we want to be pursued.

[00:22:08] Dr. Greg Stewart: What's the first thing we challenge? I must not be worth it.

[00:22:10] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:22:10] Dr. Greg Stewart: That is a lie from the pit of hell. I am worth it. It's just something going on that maybe I'm not pursuing my wife enough, maybe it's my issue. Or maybe she's working through something. So, I don't need my wife to pursue me, I want her to. So, what does that do?

[00:22:23] It takes the impact and here's what the key is. It doesn't change anything. Definition standards, what? It changes. Is the degree of negative impact if that pursuit doesn't happen. So, it goes

[00:22:34] Shanenn Bryant: to just disappointing.

[00:22:35] roll that back all the way to parents, my parents did or didn't do.

[00:22:39] Dr. Greg Stewart: It's no longer devastating to me because I see so many adults carry the weight. Why don't they just apologize to me? Why don't

[00:22:45] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:22:46] Dr. Greg Stewart: why don't they change? Said look. It's no longer devastating. It's just disappointing. So devastating is here. Disappointing is external.

[00:22:53] Mm-hmm. So, I'm disappointed in my parents, which means why I am going to be an even better parent, which is the growth process. So instead of being completely crippled by it, free yourself, and again, it's truth. The truth is I'm an adult. I don't need my parents to validate, pursue, own. I want them to, I don't need them to.

[00:23:14] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:23:14] Dr. Greg Stewart: So, it takes it from devastating to disappointing. It's, again, it's, the beauty of it is it's not a negation or watering down of truth.

[00:23:21] Matter of fact, it's a more clear picture of truth, ownership of truth, but realizing that my emotional experience in life, my quality of life, because I say we have micro emotion goals and macro, my macro emotion goals, quality of life, standard of living, living my values, fulfilling destiny, calling purpose. My emotional experience, which everything we do is an emotional experience, right? is my choice. I have authority. That's all this

[00:23:48] Shanenn Bryant: is take authority over your own emotional experience and energy. So, I say in the book, nothing bothers me unless it should,

[00:23:57] Mm. Mm-hmm.

[00:23:58] Dr. Greg Stewart: Because passivity and having zero negative emotion is just unhealthy itself and wrong. But nothing bothers me unless it should. So, if it should bother me, I need to address it because that's the healthiest way to respond to a situation.

[00:24:09] Shanenn Bryant: So, my biggest mission, you know, I work very closely and do one-on-one coaching with women who are extremely jealous and insecure in their relationships. I. And so you talked about two things. One is as they are progressing and they're learning new skills, and they're figuring out like, why do I feel like I'm not worthy?

[00:24:26] Or why do I feel like my partner's going to leave me or cheat on me, whatever the situation is, and they'll be doing really well. And then they have a little bit of a setback, like, okay, they went into a panic motor. They got; they got jealous again. They do exactly what you're saying. oh my gosh, I'm failing.

[00:24:42] I see I can't get this. I'm, I'm still like this. I'm still failing. So, I think it's really important what you said is, but we're learning from that and we're continuously growing because if they look back, which I have them do often, they'll see, oh, okay, I see where all the places where I am actually improving and I am actually growing in these.

[00:25:02] So I think that's important that we always have to do that no matter. What it is that we're trying to work on.

[00:25:08] Dr. Greg Stewart: Yes. Yes. Okay. So, on that, so with the gals, I want to encourage them, because, God has always given me a huge heart for, I've always had a ministry and a counseling experience with ladies and teenage girls because I just, their hearts, your guys' hearts are so precious. so, the number one emotional goal for a guy is significance.

[00:25:25] Mo. Number one, emotional goal for women is security.

[00:25:27] Shanenn Bryant: Mm-hmm.

[00:25:28] Dr. Greg Stewart: I say that everything we do is trying to achieve an emotional goal, right? So, there's the macro, like I mentioned, is my, I'm thirsty so I want my thirst, quench and

[00:25:35] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:25:35] Dr. Greg Stewart: micro emotional goal. Then macro now in, in the pursuit of security, of the pursuit of significance.

[00:25:40] That's a beautiful emotional goal, but that we have to assess the path all the way throughout both books, I talk about rational health wise and right. Okay, so we're gonna take paths. We often take the quickest or easiest or whatever path

[00:25:53] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:25:53] Dr. Greg Stewart: achieve that emotional goal. But ladies, if it's you, just look back.

[00:25:57] So you assess like, right here, right now, I want to respond this way, or I don't want to, confront the issue,

[00:26:03] Shanenn Bryant: I don't want to cause conflict, because that moves, it seemingly moves me further away from security, right? So, you

[00:26:09] Right.

[00:26:09] Dr. Greg Stewart: you don't address the issue that's unhealthy. And it's not rational, it's not wise, and it's wrong. So, a lot of times what we have to do is we have to assess what is the most, alright, regardless of how, and this is emotional resiliency and this is strength. Because it will get you to your goal because not only, not only in the moment. So, you have a like immediate impulsive emotional goal. Yeah. That by not addressing the conflict you get security in the in, in the initial, but long term you lose it.

[00:26:37] So you have to go through the hard stuff first. Say the most rational, healthy, wise response is I'm gonna set a boundary and I am going to withdraw a little bit saying Uh uh. I'm not going to accept this behavior, whatever it is, because it's not just forget your relationship with him. Think it's not rational, healthy, wiser, right.

[00:26:59] To do that. And what he is doing is not rational, healthy, wise or right. You know, so we set a boundary. Now what we could be doing is evaluating your own response is, okay, I could be too, so and so and when I do that, it pushes him away. So that's not healthy because you know what? he confronted me or when he did this or that, that was rational of him.

[00:27:19] So you evaluate this objective truth of rational, healthy, wise, and right just hovers above us all. That way it's not subjective

[00:27:26] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:27:27] Dr. Greg Stewart: emotional goals, which could get, you know, messy. It blinds everything. It's objective where you both validate and confront the other person, and you validate and confront self. So, what's the most rational, healthy, wise, and right pathway to achieve a very legitimate emotional goal? And what I work with a lot of gals where just the guy is, it's just not going to happen.

[00:27:48] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:27:49] Dr. Greg Stewart: And being able to take that step in faith of just being able to separate yourself from him because it's just not gonna happen.

[00:27:55] and. Out of that security, that desire to, for the security of being in a relationship, especially of kids. Right?

[00:28:01] Shanenn Bryant: Mm-hmm.

[00:28:01] Dr. Greg Stewart: So many gals I'm working with, it's just, it's the children. I don't want my children not to be around their dad

[00:28:08] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:28:08] Dr. Greg Stewart: It's ladies. term your emotional health and your husband's emotional health because that separation, I'm not saying divorce, I'm just saying separation might actually produce long-term security because it might jolt him because he needs to hit rock bottom first. Might make a longer term. You can't just look at the immediate of being scared to because it'll cause negative emotion in your children.

[00:28:34] It's always about, regardless, it's always about strengthening our responses and resiliency to do what's rational, healthy wise and right. Because long term, it'll be the most solid in ourselves and our kids, and even in our husbands who are not, responding very well to our situations, you know?

[00:28:50] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. and a lot of times, it could be that there is no sign of anything at this point, but they've just had that pattern in their past. Or as you mentioned, they had a parent who wasn't pursuing them, and then they come out with, low self-worth and therefore they're constantly in fear that they're not good enough for this person.

[00:29:09] Dr. Greg Stewart: So maybe there's not even any, anything happening. So, when single people, I tell 'em dating, so, so, so everybody evaluate yourself this way. or evaluate the person you're dating. So, what I've sensed is with women who are not healed yet and they need to do some work, there is obviously the cure of effect. But what I've seen with women, it's when they. Talk about past relationships. If they wax eloquent about the story of their hurt, they just bullet point their healing, meaning I'm over it, right?

[00:29:38] Shanenn Bryant: Mm-hmm.

[00:29:38] Dr. Greg Stewart: of blow off and bullet point their healing, they're not healed. I've seen women who bullet point their hurt and wax eloquent and tell deeply about their healing. You're

[00:29:47] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:29:48] Dr. Greg Stewart: no carry over effect. Men though, it's different if you observe in men, if they are closed off. Controlling. Not like just extreme controlling, but they're just controlling, and they're closed off and

[00:30:00] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:30:00] Dr. Greg Stewart: And if they struggle with some type of addiction, whatever it is, they're not healed.

[00:30:05] Shanenn Bryant: Mm-hmm.

[00:30:06] Dr. Greg Stewart: have,

[00:30:07] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:30:07] Dr. Greg Stewart: That's their way of scooping up the past and bringing the current relationship.

[00:30:12] Shanenn Bryant: if they're both not healed, oh my goodness, they're, they have this perpetual cycle,

[00:30:16] yeah. then it could definitely create a bunch of chaos.

[00:30:19] Very much Oh my gosh. and I wanna make the point too because, you mentioned it, but when we have those strong emotions, you talked about in the beginning that it isn't just about the event at hand and you liken it to a backhoe or something.

[00:30:33] Dr. Greg Stewart: it's scooping up all of that evidence from the past or all of the times where maybe you felt that way or something happened, yes. And I wanna be very clear on this too, that could have, I've seen this over and over. We could have 20 little teen traumatic events, but I've seen people, I mean I, the way God made us, I don't know, but seeing people heal from the, say 15 of 'em, the key is because just because you have a negative event in your past doesn't mean you're not healed from it.

[00:30:58] Shanenn Bryant: Mm-hmm.

[00:30:58] Dr. Greg Stewart: key thing to look out for is that scooping of the past emotion onto present tense circumstances. So, there could be tons of things that you've gone through that there is no scooping effect and you're healed from, matter of fact, you're stronger. So don't think that just because you have negative events that, that, because again, I want to free people from their past as well.

[00:31:18] Because your past is not, whether it be your failure, weaknesses, or other people's. It's not your identity, it's just you have to look out for what is it about the current, what situations? And I often talk about what the reason why we walk away from those events. We don't have to go back to 'em as we walk away with Two things lies about ourselves and what lost

[00:31:36] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:31:36] Dr. Greg Stewart: So, the healing process I talk about in my book is reclaiming what we lost. Did we lose security, trust,

[00:31:44] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:31:45] Dr. Greg Stewart: value worth,

[00:31:46] Shanenn Bryant: Okay.

[00:31:46] Dr. Greg Stewart: is. And so instead of going backwards and replaying the event, because that's how some people think we have to heal, is to process the event enough to where I'm somehow okay with it.

[00:31:54] No, it's, you reclaim what you lost moving forward.

[00:31:58] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:31:58] Dr. Greg Stewart: In every situation, I'm not, there's nothing, I'm not secure there. It's not, okay. So, you, I'd say you get a PhD in security and you reclaim what you lost. That's how people say. I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I wouldn't wish that upon anybody, but I'm stronger than I've ever been.

[00:32:13] So two things

[00:32:14] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:32:14] Dr. Greg Stewart: There are a lot of things we could be healed from. Don't worry about that. It's not your

[00:32:17] identity the things that do produce a carry effect. What did you lose from that and reclaim that very beautiful word.

[00:32:24] Shanenn Bryant: So good. Dr. Greg, I appreciate you being here. Thank you so much.

[00:32:30] Dr. Greg Stewart: again, my honor. Shanenn, thank you for having me on.

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