What You're Doing Isn't Working and Here's Why EP 88

Shanenn Bryant: On today's episode of Top Self, I'm going to talk about why you feel like you're doing all the things to address this jealousy and insecurity challenge that you have, but nothing really seems to be moving the needle. Maybe you're journaling and you're telling yourself. all positive things. You're doing positive affirmations and you're telling yourself not to get jealous and you're trying to distract yourself, but it seems like none of that is working.

We're going to talk about why and what to do in this episode coming up.

 [00:01:00] 

Shanenn Bryant: Okay. I have to apologize because I haven't put out an episode in a couple of weeks. This is very unlike me. I've been pretty consistent over the last two years, especially this last year, but I've had some things going on, some exciting things and positive things and some not so exciting and not so positive.

But I have been doing some speaking engagements and I've been preparing for those, writing the speech and writing the workshops that I've been doing. So that has taken quite a bit of time. And I unfortunately, wasn't able to produce the episodes over the last couple of weeks, but I'm back on track now.

Um, I also experienced vertigo and have had some other things going on. So I apologize if you've been waiting for an episode to come out, but the wait is over. I'm back with it and we're going to be back on track now.

But I do want to tell you so something I have been up since 4:30 this morning and it's been a rough morning. A couple weeks ago, we had a groundhog caught in our downspout I was in my sunroom and I heard this noise kind of this banging around outside and we went outside. 

We're in a really hilly area with a lot of woods and so our roof line comes down pretty low to the ground at like the back garage side of our house and somehow, I think that groundhog made its way on our roof and then went down the downspout and then he got stuck. So, being the animal lovers that we are, my husband and I, took the whole downspout apart and helped to free him and his repayment, his thanks to us for that, was tearing up our yard.

This groundhog has been wreaking havoc on our backyard ever since. So, my husband has been trying all these different things to shoo the groundhog away, get rid of him. These like kind of stink bomb or stink ball things that I guess they don't like the smell of them, they almost smell like mothballs, but he's been putting those in the backyard.

And we did notice that he started to leave the yard cause you can kind of see all of his pop ups and he was headed into our neighbor's yard. So, we're like, oh, great. Now we've got to put him into our neighbor's yard cause we kind of forced him over there. But it wasn't a hundred percent working.

So, my husband put a trap out there and you know, I don't love that idea, but it's better than certainly the alternative that I would never allow. So. We've been dealing with that. This morning, my husband let Samson out, our German Shepherd, and he wanted to go out like 4:30 in the morning, unfortunately, and I never like to let him out during that time just because of where we live.

We have so many animals. Just we have everything out here. So I don't really love to let him out at that time, but you know, when you got to go, you got to go. I guess it's the same for him too. So my husband let him out and he wasn't out there for as long as he usually is.

And then I heard my husband let him back in and I could hear Samson running in our living room and my husband yelling, get out, get out. And then I smelled it. He. Samson. Samson was skunked. It smelled so bad. Instant headache. And my husband's trying to shoo him back outside. And we were giving him a bath in the driveway at 4:30 this morning with skunk shampoo that we had, because this is the second time that he's been skunked. And I really thought he learned his lesson from the first time. The first time was actually worse than this one, because I mean, she hit him right in the face. And his poor eyes, I mean, he was just dripping with skunk oil and his poor eyes were completely bloodshot.

This time it looks like they kind of hit him on the side of his face and sort of down by his neck. So he did somewhat learn his lesson, but I thought that's so strange I can't believe that he got skunked again because I didn't hear him barking at anything and really felt like he learned his lesson not to mess with him.

So we gave him a bath doing all the things. My house still smells like skunk. And so funny, I had a doctor's appointment this morning. And of course, you know, I took a shower, washed my hair, did all the things. I'm sitting in the office at the, you know, in the room at the doctor's office. And I'm like, I smell skunk.

But you know how, when you can't tell, like I've, I was exposed to the smell for so long this morning that I was like, do I smell like it? Do I still just smell it? Because it's just in my nose. I have no idea. And the doctor comes in and I thought. Okay. I don't know if he could smell it or not. So, I have to say so that I didn't want him to think it was me.

I mean, it was me, but not, wasn't, you know, from me not bathing or something. So I said, I just want to let you know, just in case you can smell it, that, you know, my dog was skunked. He goes, Oh my gosh, is that what that is? He was like, I could smell it so bad, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. It just, I just knew that something was smelling 

So how embarrassing. I was like pig pin at the doctor's office this morning, stinking up the place, you know, with the, you know, Pepé Le Pew smell all over me. But anyway, so we're going through it. Samson is not quite feeling like himself today.

He is sick of smelling himself. We got it as good as we could with a skunk shampoo, but we ran out cause it's the second time. So I had to order some more. Um, but anyway, we will all get through it, but my house still smells. I have a headache and Samson is, uh, wishing that he, was not him right now, but here's the thing.

So when I came home from the doctor's office, it kind of, I was like, Hmm, I wonder where this skunk is. Like, where did he get sprayed? So I walked Samson outside and was like, Hey, tell me buddy, you know, where did you get spray? Cause I thought maybe he'd go right to that spot. Well, he did. And guess what? My husband, instead of trapping the groundhog, he trapped a skunk, which is why Samson got sprayed.

Cause I'm sure when Samson was out at 4:30 this morning and going in the backyard, he was like, Oh, there's something in the cage and went up to sniff it and the skunk being, you know, frustrated that it's stuck in a cage and that now this animal's coming around it, he sprayed him. Which also makes sense of why

they didn't get him as good as they got him last time because it's stuck in a cage and maybe the cage protected Samson a little bit. Because they're, they're really good shots from reading it the last time and they can spray from quite a ways away and have pretty good aim. So, I think that that's why, but I feel terrible for the skunk.

It's still trapped in the cage, and I called my husband and said, Hey, um, um, not sure what you're going to do but I called,a company and they're going to come out this evening and get the skunk. So, and she said, oh, don't go, you know, make sure you don't go around it you will get sprayed. And I thought, uh, there's no chance of that. 

And for those of you who are animal lovers like me, just know, my biggest concern was, Oh my gosh, now, it's trapped in this cage with no water, no food, and I feel horrible for it, but I don't know what to do. You know, I can't just go up to it and try to give it food through the cage I will obviously get skunked. And the lady at the company that's coming out let me know that they actually go up to a couple days without food and water. So, they're, they're kind of used to it. So that made me feel a little bit better in case you were concerned about the skunk too.

I get it. I'm a huge animal lover and, would never want an animal to be harmed. Um, that's how my morning started. But I do want to get to the main thing that I want to talk to you about today. And I want to do it through sharing a story because I know how hard it is when you continuously are trying to make changes. And it's like, I can't want it enough. You may be willing to do anything and feel like you're trying all of the things. You're journaling, you're doing the affirmations and talking to yourself positively, and really.

You know, trying to talk yourself up of like, stop having these thoughts, trying to distract yourself and maybe saying, you know what, we're going go out this weekend, or we're gonna go out tonight for dinner, and I'm just not going to get jealous, like, just, you know, don't let it bother you.

And then it happens again. And you feel like you can't control it. And you feel like nothing that you're doing is helping the situation. I get that. It's the worst feeling in the world. And you feel like, oh my gosh, there's no, there's no solution. I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.

And I'm going to feel as miserable as this and constantly be anxious. I know this is the point sometimes too, where people, I hear it all the time. Like, I'm just going to break up. I'm just going to split and not be in a relationship. Especially those that are, that are just dating someone. I hear that quite a bit.

Like, I'm just going to break up with them because this is too hard. It's too hard for me to be in a relationship. So, I just want to talk through that a little bit. And where things changed for me. And, you know, I've said this for the longest time.

I don't think that it's where you get to the point that it never bothers you. I just, I don't know that that is. the goal to try to seekbut more, how do I manage this and how do I get to a point where it's not something that I'm thinking about every day and every minute of every day, or even every week.

And it's very circumstantial to me, is really what I tend to shoot for, especially with my one-on-one clients and in group. I'm not trying to shoot for, oh, you're never going to feel jealous again. I just think that's, um, potentially a bit unrealistic. But, you can really change your life. You can really change the way that you're feeling.

You can really change your relationship. That I do know! So, I want to just talk through what may be the reason that you're, if you're trying all those things and it's not working so many years ago, and you may have heard me briefly talk about this in the past or on a previous episode, or I think I did a Facebook live maybe once years ago I was actually kicked out of therapy. Maybe more like invited not to come back.

I had been seeing this therapist for a couple months and I go in once a week and sit on the typical brown couch with the tissue in my lap. And we talk about my abandonment issues with my dad. We’d talk about my struggles with jealousy and insecurity in my relationship.

And. I'd leave feeling really good. And I would promise her and myself that I was going to change.

I was going to make these changes. I was going to start thinking positively. And when I started thinking negatively, I would distract myself and do something different and, and not have such negative thoughts. And I would let this stuff go with my dad and I would, you know, just not be jealous in the situation.

Like I'm just, okay, I'm not going to get jealous no matter what happens. I'm just going to work through it and not get jealous. And every week I would fail. And I'd go right back to all of my jealous thoughts, my insecurities. I would get jealous over the same small situation or same big situation.

Sometimes there were big things, but I would just go right back to it and I'd go right back to those thoughts that everybody's better than me, funnier than me, prettier than me, smarter than me. And I could tell that I wasn't over my daddy issues, as they say, that was still really bothering me. And so I would just fail week after week after week.

And I get so sad and feel so helpless because I just didn't understand. I didn't understand, like, I'm doing all of this work. I'm working so hard. Nobody wants it more than me. And I told my husband this in the past that even if you never got mad at me, I would still work every day to not feel this way because feeling jealous sucks.

It doesn't feel good. I didn't want to be anxious. I didn't want to have an upset stomach all the time. I didn't want to feel uncomfortable at a baseball game, you know, watching our kids at the time when they were younger, I didn't want to feel that way. And so it almost didn't matter. I mean, yes, of course it made it worse when he would get mad at me, and it would cause an argument between us.

But even if he never got mad at me, I still didn't want to feel that way. And I would get so frustrated, you know, with a therapist because just nothing was changing. It didn't matter. And one night, after one of the sessions, she lays her notebook down on the wooden table next to her, and she folds her hands in her lap and says, thank you for letting me get to know you over the last couple of months. We've really covered a lot, but I'm not seeing any progress here. And this may be beyond my expertise. So, I'm going to ask that we end our relationship. And I mean, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

And I instantly felt this pit in my stomach. I felt the knot in my throat because I was holding back tears. And I desperately said to her, “what?” You're kicking me out of therapy? I'm getting kicked out of therapy. Here I am going to her for insecurity issues and abandonment issues. And she's kicking me out, but she handed me a piece of paper as I left.

And when I got my car, opened it, that's when I was given that piece of paper, the 14 Characteristics of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. That was, you know, really a good turning point for me of realizing, Hey, I'm not alone. I didn't write this list. So, there are other people that are struggling.

And if there are other people that are struggling, then there must be a solution. And I started to really dig into that, but there was a concept that I'd later learned that was so important and where I think you may be falling into is that your conscious mind cannot outwill your subconscious mind.

And if you go back, I don't remember what episode it is, but Thais Gibson. If you haven't heard her on this podcast, go back, listen to her. She's from the Personal Development School. She talks about that. The conscious mind can't outwill or overpower your subconscious mind because wanting it and telling ourselves that we won't be jealous is a conscious desire, but our struggle lies within our subconscious because that's where the programming is, right? 

We know that only 3 to 5 percent of our beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and our actions come from our conscious mind and 95 to 97 percent of our beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and actions come from our subconscious mind.

The majority of the time, we're just being guided by those subconscious programs. And so we have to go to the subconscious programs and change that. It's not going to happen. Our subconscious doesn't understand words. It understands images. It understands repetition, right? So, it's not understanding those positive words of affirmation, although that is a good thing to do because as you're reprogramming your subconscious mind. You don't want to ruin that reprogramming by all the negative thoughts that you're saying every day.

Our brain, our subconscious will listen to what's on repeat. That's part of the problem is that we're constantly repeating the negative things. I read that we have about 60, 000 thoughts a day and 80 percent of those are negative or self-critical.

So, if 80 percent of the time, you're saying something negative and self-critical about yourself and the way that our subconscious programs are created is through repetition, right? Repetition plus emotion. Then, that’s a lot of negativity and we're hearing it over and over and over and over again.

So, I'm not saying that positive affirmations aren't a good thing to do. I think they are, but it's really getting to where You know, the, the programming and so what are those core negative beliefs that you have about yourself? I am unworthy. I'm, I'll be betrayed. I'll be abandoned. I'm unlovable. I'm disliked.

There's a whole slew of them. 

 So, I just wanted to let you know, it's not that you're not strong enough to overcome this. It's not that you don't have the willpower enough to overcome this. It's the same thing. This is why many people don't make it a week into their New Year's resolutions. Because, you know, we all do this, right? 

I want to eat healthier; I want to start going to the gym or I want to stop smoking cigarettes and we're really good for four or five days and on day six we're eating cupcakes and smoking cigarettes again. It's the same. Those are conscious desires. 

What is at the root of it? You don't feel worthy. You don't feel good enough. You don't feel like you deserve things. What is at the root of it? And that's the subconscious programming. I don't want you to get discouraged if you've been trying to get over the jealousy. And it is a journey. It takes a bit.

There are things to learn. There are habits that you formed that need to be broken. And all of that takes a bit. But just because you've tried before in the past and maybe failed, doesn't mean that you're not capable of doing it. Doesn't mean that it's never going to get better. And I think I just want to encourage you to get rid of those thoughts if that's what you're thinking because I remember thinking that.

And when you start feeling helpless and think from a helpless place, then you stop looking for solutions. And we know that's not going to get us anywhere. So, um, that experience for me, getting the 14 characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic was game changing for me and then later learning, oh, it's because I have all these desires.

Like I, I want it, but I can't want it enough to change it. That alone isn't going to change it. So I had to go deep and I had to figure out what is driving me from my programming that makes me continue to do this, that makes me continue to feel this way about myself. And that's where you can really start making some transformation.

And the good news is I have a program that you can join. I have switched it up a little bit because of the things that we cover in this bootcamp. It's a six-week bootcamp called “Behind Your Jealous Mind Bootcamp”. This is what we work on. What I just described, figuring out what your negative core beliefs are that are getting in your way from making changes, from not feeling jealous every single day, not feeling anxious day, and being able to get out of those racing thoughts. and those irrational thoughts.

That's what we work on in this bootcamp.

It starts October 16th and runs through November 20th,and it's one hour a week. We meet on Zoom. It is such a good boot camp, but you can find out more information if you click the link in the show notes. It'll take you to a page. It'll give you all of the information. You can see the agenda for every session for each of the six weeks. You can see what we cover.

It'll give you some more detail. But if you're really struggling and if you feel like I've tried therapy, I've tried journaling, I'm meditating, I'm trying to distract myself, then I think this boot camp is for you. It’s going to be great for you.

But don't wait until the last minute because I try to keep them fairly small right now Um, so keep that in mind. Don't wait until the last minute to register. Go get registered today so you can get set up. It starts in just a couple of weeks. So, make sure that you go do that.

I'm so happy to be back with you and sharing episodes again. We've got some great episodes that'll be coming up, so you can look forward to that. And as always, until next time, take care and remember you're not alone.