What's Good for the Jealous Goose Should be Good for the Gander Too EP 45

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: My guess is that you think you can be trusted more than your partner on, let's say, a girl's night out, or if you're a guy, a guy's night out. I know that you think that it's better to bet on yourself and that you most likely could be more trusted that you wouldn't cheat on your partner. And because you think that, 

[00:00:28] there may be things that you either prohibit your partner from doing, or you get upset about if your partner does, that you yourself would feel okay doing. Like, you wouldn't think anything if it were you doing. The exact same thing. That you're not okay with them doing, you feel you may be more trusted or could be more trusted than your partner.

[00:00:58] I want to remind you of an old saying, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

[00:01:05] That saying meant something else, of course, when it first started. Now, it's used as if to say, you're no better than I am, or if it's okay for you to do, it should be okay for me to do. And it's probably found itself being used in a conversation to bring attention to hypocrisy or maybe someone getting revenge.

[00:01:27] However, the original start goes all the way back to the Tudor period when the Tudor family was ruling England and back in a time where people ate more goose than turkey. and what the saying was originally referring to, was that the sauce applies equally well to a cooked goose.

[00:01:50] regardless of the sex. So regardless if it's male or female, but I see this saying or this quote showing up in our lives when we're insecure, when we're feeling jealous and we think, I know I can control myself, but I don't trust my partner to control themselves.

[00:02:12] I'm sure there are several different situations that you can think of where you're not worried.

[00:02:18] You know, you feel like I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm going to do and what I won't do, and we run with this thought that we are in some way less likely to make a mistake, less likely to get ourselves into a situation where we lose control and that's interesting because

[00:02:39] you may feel like you know what you're capable of shaking off or that you'd be fine in a particular situation. You have no intent of doing anything bad. And you're not worried about what you're gonna do when you go out with your girlfriends on Girls Night Out or what you're gonna do when you go out with your buddies on Guys Night Out.

[00:03:02] You probably don't even think about it.

[00:03:04] It's not like you're walking into this situation and thinking, oh, I'm, I'm a little bit nervous about what I'm gonna do tonight. I'm kind of worried that I might not be able to control myself. Most likely you're not thinking in that way, but you would be tremendously upset and worried if your partner was going out on a Saturday night with their friends.

[00:03:26] And somehow, we think that these rules apply differently to us, or that we're more capable of keeping ourselves out of trouble than our partner.

[00:03:38] And while that makes sense in your mind, because you know what you're doing, and if you did do something wrong, you would have to live with that. Like you would have to deal with the guilt and the shame, but it's not that somebody's doing something to you. It's not that somebody's breaking your trust.

[00:03:57] And maybe that's why you feel a little bit more okay about when you go out in situations. And maybe that's why you feel a little bit more okay about yourself. But my guess is this really is coming from because we think that we are better abled, more equipped to control ourselves than we do our partners.

[00:04:22] We go out thinking, well, I'm not going to do anything wrong, but I don't know if my partner would. I don't know what they're doing when they're out.

[00:04:34] But I want you to think about it a little differently. I'm sure there are situations not even just going out. Maybe it's not even that extreme. You're at work and a group of people are going to lunch. how the group walked into the restaurant.

[00:04:52] You end up sitting next to Joe from marketing and. A conversation comes up, he's showing you pictures on his phone, he's making a joke, you laugh about it, you have a good lunch with the whole group. You don't think anything about it. It's totally fine. You're not worried that you're suddenly going to have an infatuation with Joe in marketing.

[00:05:21] You're not thinking that you're going to be home later tonight in bed with your partner and thinking about Joe and how funny he was at lunch and how good he looked in his suit or how good he looked in his jeans, whatever it is. You're most likely not doing that. But if your partner sat next to Tiffany at lunch, my guess is you'd start questioning.

[00:05:48] Or you'd start saying things like, of course you sat next to Tiffany. There were seven other people at that lunch, and of course you ended up sitting next to Tiffany. And you'd probably start that line of questioning.

[00:06:02] Well, what did you guys talk about? What was she wearing? are you attracted to her? Do you think she's pretty? Why couldn't you have sat next to anyone else? How did she end up even going with your group?

[00:06:15] That line of questioning would start for the exact same thing that you did, and my guess is maybe you would continue that later on and have these wild thoughts that we start doing of, is he thinking about her? What did they talk about? Does he think she's funnier than me? Does he think she's more attractive?

[00:06:38] Was she wearing a short skirt? Is he gonna be thinking about her when we have sex tonight? I know how your brain works and I know that you're most likely taking it to extreme.

[00:06:52] in an exact same situation that you found yourself in. You're not going to, if you, if you are going to lunch with a group of people, you are going to sit wherever it naturally feels right to sit.

[00:07:07] and if it comes down to it where you can, you can see that you're going to end up being seated next to Joe in marketing. You're not going to cause a scene or do something to then change where you're sitting. Most likely, you're just going to sit down and be a normal person and just have regular conversations with everyone and with Joe.

[00:07:34] But we expect that our partners should be making different decisions. Well, how did you end up sitting next to Tiffany? You could have sat next to anybody else, but you ended up sitting next to her. I know some of those conversations that you're having. You expect that they would think enough about how you would feel, and you know that they would be upset if you found out that they went to lunch with Tiffany or that Tiffany was at their lunch and especially upset if they sat next to Tiffany at lunch, and you expect...

[00:08:08] that they're going to do something different, that they're going to somehow alter the situation, and further, that it's their responsibility to alter that situation.

[00:08:19] Now, some of us who are jealous, you might have a partner who's also jealous, but it's pretty rare. Most of the time, we're the jealous one and our partners really don't get upset about the same situation. Like, your partner probably could care less that you sat next to Joe from marketing.

[00:08:36] Or that they showed you pictures or that you had a conversation. Typically, our partner's probably more secure with themselves, with their relationship, and they wouldn't think twice about it.

[00:08:49] They are most likely the secure one in the relationship. We are the ones. That are constantly seeking reassurance. Us as jealousy junkies, we want our person to make us feel good. We're seeking to feel good. We want to know that we're still attractive, that we've still got it. We seek that attention.

[00:09:14] Whereas our partner, if they're not jealous, they're not insecure, they're probably less likely to Be as close to that slippery slope as you are. They most likely are not looking for that attention.

[00:09:29] I want you to be aware of this And I know what you're going to say, like, I would never cheat on my partner. I know how bad that feels. It's my worst nightmare. I'd never do that to somebody else. that just wouldn't be something that I would do.

[00:09:39] It's so mean. Or I wouldn't flirt with other people. I just wouldn't do those types of things. I know you may think that, and that may be true. But what's also true is we are reassurance seekers. And if we are feeling always down, if we're feeling like, um, especially as we get older, and we kind of want to know, like, uh, my, I feel like my looks are fading.

[00:10:07] Does anybody still find me attractive anymore? And if we've been with our partner for a long time, they're not walking around every day, reminding us of how attractive we are. That's probably not what's happening. We're probably just having normal lives, and we're, you know, making dinner together and taking care of kids or watching TV and going to bed, and we're having a normal life.

[00:10:29] But because we're not getting that, you may be closer to a slippery slope than your partner ever is when they go out. They don't need it. They're not seeking that attention. They're not seeking that reassurance,

[00:10:43] and that is where a lot of times the projection comes in. Because maybe you're not taking it all the way, but maybe you were overly flirting, or maybe somebody flirted with you, and you did think about it later because it made you feel good. Now all of the sudden, you're accusing your partner of doing that.

[00:11:05] So if you love the compliments that you get when you go out on a girl’s night or if you enjoy the attention that you get at 8 a. m. at any gas station across America... You're seeking reassurance. You're enjoying it and quite possibly crave it. And therefore, you're going to take that with you on your girl’s night out potentially, or your trip out of town or at a restaurant or in your thoughts, and not saying that you'll act on it or that there's anything wrong with it, but to think that you're less likely and more in control.

[00:11:46] And more capable of keeping yourselves out of situations, or possibly slippery slopes than your partner is. I'm just putting it out there. 

[00:11:57] I want you to challenge it.

[00:11:58] I want you to think back to the power of one. Be open to new evidence. Open to new examples. Open to new experiences. And think, hmm.

[00:12:08] Here I am worried about my partner all the time, and they're probably way further from needing that attention or seeking that attention or even being attuned to it as I am.

[00:12:23] So the next time your partner goes out, I would consider that we're two different people. And just because it's on my mind does not mean that is on their mind.

[00:12:39] Unless there's past infidelity with your partner or concrete reasons that they haven't been trustworthy in the past, then I would say they are equally, if maybe not more, capable of going out with their friends, having a good time, and just coming home and everything being okay.

[00:12:59] They're not out there seeking attention. And yes, we can say that most of the time we're seeking that attention from our own partner, but if we're not getting it in the way that we think we should, which is often what I hear, because we need it so frequently, we probably aren't feeling like we're getting it the way that we should.

[00:13:23] And maybe you look for it elsewhere, I'm sure that you're just wanting someone to look at you a certain way or think that you're attractive or maybe give you a compliment, and don't plan on taking it any further or acting on the comment, but when you're insecure and you're jealous, you are seeking, you're seeking reassurance, and if you don't find it with your partner, You may be on a closer, slippery slope than they are.

[00:13:54] So all this worrying we're doing about them going out, we maybe need to look at ourselves. As usual, of course, right? Now, on the other hand, so, another place where this, um, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, saying or quote, comes up. At least it did for me. Maybe you're like this as well. In the past, I had a really good friend she used to live in Tennessee, and I just, we had so much fun together.

[00:14:27] You know how you have, a friend or maybe a couple of those friends where every time you guys get together, it's just like your cheeks hurt so much because you're laughing the entire time? That's how this friend is, and I hadn't seen her in such a long time. And I remember thinking, ugh, I just want to go to Tennessee and hang out with her for a weekend and go out and country line dance and just have so much fun and just laugh and laugh and laugh.

[00:14:56] And I wanted to do that so bad. I felt like I was craving, you know, to see her and just have a good time just laughing with your girlfriend. And I remember thinking, as much as I want to go, I don't want to go. The only reason I don't want to go is because then what if I go and then he wants to go visit his friend in Georgia?

[00:15:25] And it goes back to the same thing. I know I could go to Tennessee and have a great time with my girlfriend and go out and country line dance and everything's going to be fine. I felt in my head, I can do that. It's all going to be fine. But to think of him. Going to Georgia and hanging out with his friend and going out in Atlanta with his friend, just the two of them or their group of friends there in Atlanta?

[00:15:54] No way! I started to get sick at my stomach and freaking out at the thought of him doing that and all of the possibilities of what could happen on the guy's weekend.

[00:16:07] so I would miss out on things that I wanted to do in life. because I didn't want him to do it. Perfectly fine for me to go spend the weekend with my friend. Not fine for him to go spend the weekend with his friend.

[00:16:26] And to be quite honest, to take it a step further, this is actually what I thought. I thought, and he should understand why it's different. Like, he should understand that because he's secure and he wouldn't worry about me, and he's not jealous, and he wouldn't be sick to his stomach all weekend, it should be that he lets me go and have that weekend with my friend, but not. 

[00:16:51] go and see his friend in Atlanta or anywhere, like, no, you shouldn't ask me because you know how hard that would be for me. I really thought that. I really felt like what was good for the goose was not good for the gander or vice versa, whatever.

[00:17:12] That was not okay with me. So, I would often miss out on those opportunities and miss out on experiences and missing my friend because I didn't want to deal with the reverse of that. I didn't want the same rules or the same thing to apply to him.

[00:17:32] so I just wanted to bring some awareness to these couple things when you think about. some of the rules, for lack of a better word, that you have with your partner or things where you think, well, I would be totally fine to do that, and I'm not worried about myself because I'm in control of me and I can handle me and they maybe can't.

[00:17:58] I want you to consider they may be actually more capable of handling themselves than you. And I'm not saying that's true for everyone. But I am saying it could cause some projection issues later on for whatever it is that you do. Even realize that somebody is flirting with you or even recognizing that somebody's giving you attention could turn into projection.

[00:18:26] I used to do that all the time. When,

[00:18:30] you know, years ago, if I would go to a gas station in the morning, I would see men gawk or men look coming in and out of the gas station and, and it's this weird thing of like, okay, in a way, it made me feel good. It also made me feel very uncomfortable. That is truthful. It, it was just, it made me feel awkward.

[00:18:56] Um, or some situations made me feel really uncomfortable. But I would then project that onto my partner and like, oh, well you're a man, so you obviously are doing that at the gas stations. And then I would make him feel really guilty

[00:19:13] as if I knew for a fact that that's what he was doing. And so again, okay for me to get the attention, not okay for him if he happened to look at someone he found. attractive. And I'm not even talking about, you know, the people that are really gawkers and make you feel really awkward. I'm not even talking about that.

[00:19:37] I'm just talking about someone noticing someone else who's attractive. We all do it as much as we want to say we don't, or as much as we don't want our partner to. We, we can recognize someone's beauty, and so it was okay if it happened to me. And sometimes that made me feel good. But then I thought, uh, I bet he's doing that.

[00:20:01] Like, how many girls is he looking at all day? How many girls is he making feel good and really made him feel like a scumbag for it? Like a piece of crap. One, I didn't even know if he was doing it and two, I just assumed that he was and assumed that he was being gross about it or talking to him like he's gross for it.

[00:20:27] So I just wanted to bring some awareness that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. So, if you think of some of the situations that maybe you have with your partner, um, maybe think about them from a different perspective.

[00:20:45] So there you have it. Another quick dump episode of Top Self. I just wanted to put that out there, give you something to think about the next time you either project on your partner or you feel like, um, I can do this, but you can't.

[00:21:02] Even if it's kind of that silent rule that you have in your head, maybe think through that. Bring in the technique of the power of one and think a bit differently of the situation. Until next time, take care and remember what's good for the goose is good for the gander.