Who Can You Trust? Ep 101

Because I know that you might be multitasking, whether you're driving or working out or cleaning, you might sometimes Not be paying a hundred percent attention. Maybe your anxious mind tends to drift into one of your spirals. I have had to hit the rewind button eight, 10, 12 times at least in a podcast episode, Because I get off track thinking about, you know, sometimes the podcast host conversation and that'll send me down a track and how it ties to insecurity or jealousy or sometimes I'm still getting lost thinking about Samson. He'll randomly pop in my head and I'll just get swept away still thinking about him and missing him so much.

[00:01:51] Shanenn Bryant: So, for whatever reason, I get it. Sometimes we, our mind just wanders. And you may miss some really good moments in an episode. And there were a couple in last week's episode with Dr. Brittany McGann that I want to make sure that you really hear it. And I want to expand on it a little bit more as well.

 if you haven't listened to that episode, it was last week, episode 100, go back, listen to it.

[00:02:33] Shanenn Bryant: You definitely don't want to miss it and try not to multitask when you are listening to it, but I'm going to talk about it here today. 

 First, let me remind you what she said. there were, there were so many moments in that episode, but the one that really, I want to make sure that you heard was the only person who can't abandon you is yourself.

The only person who can't abandon you is yourself. First, I think even the realization of like, oh my gosh, what a true statement, and something to really think about, and really absorbing That as, okay, my mind can shift a little bit from thinking that I have to put all of my faith into my partner, that they won't leave me, that they won't do something stupid and mess up the marriage or the relationship, or that they won't maybe devastate me and up and walk out one day. You don't have to ponder this, or figure out signs that maybe clue you in. Whether your partner's capable of these things or not, or that they're doing things that look familiar to the shenanigans that your previous partner pulled just before they bolted. This simple statement changes all of that because Everyone, everyone is capable of abandoning you except yourself. 

and maybe you're thinking, well, I still have to do it, or I should still be doing it and looking for red flags, because maybe. Some are more capable of doing this than others, you don't necessarily have to look at red flags and signs as a scale because you don't even know the numbers on that scale.

Like, what, what are you, how are you measuring this? There's nothing out there that says, well, if they do this, you know, those, um, like scaling quizzes, if they do this, give them a 5. If they do this, give them a 3. If they, every time this happens, or they show this behavior, they get a 1.

Okay, now, if they score between 30 and 45, it's a high probability that they're going to cheat on you or leave. If they score between 20 and 30, It's possible, but not as strong. And if they score between 5 and 20, it is not likely that they will cheat or abandon you. 

That doesn't exist. We don't know the scoring system. Or actually, maybe there is a crazy quiz or assessment out there like that. But my point is, you don't even know the grading system. You don't have it on a scaling system. It's, it's just all on feelings and maybe asking your girlfriend what she thinks about it or how they do it in their relationship or what he did or what they think.

You don't know. Your friends don't know. Your family members don't know. No one knows. There's no scaling system that's a guarantee. And nobody knows that if your partner's going to cheat or abandon you. It doesn't mean that you can't notice signs. It doesn't mean that you maybe shouldn't take things into consideration.

 you know, never take anything as a sign, that would be a little bit silly. We of course are going to take things into consideration if we want to date someone or marry someone or stay married to someone, but not an abandonment scale or a cheating scale. that, to me, is just what stuck out first from that sentence of the only person that can't abandon you is yourself.

Like there really is no guessing. I don't have to guess anymore because I know the answer is I'm never going to know. I'm never going to know.

which leads me to the second part and a question that I have for you. So, if your mind is running wild somewhere else, just come back to me because I don't want you to miss this again. You So the question is, what would your life look like if you trusted yourself completely? like if you completely trusted yourself?

You trusted your decisions. You trusted that you had the, all the information that you need. You trusted that you would, you'd be okay, even in the worst relationship situation. What would your life look like? look like? How would it be different? How would you feel different? 

I'm going to give you a few minutes to think about that, while I share what self-trust is. And this is really the belief that you can rely on yourself to make decisions, handle emotions, and honor your needs.

Without it, we often seek that external validation or guarantee, leaving us really vulnerable to feelings of abandonment. This lack of self-trust leads to over reliance on your partner or other people for your emotional safety, which is often why you get mad at your partner when you feel insecure, you feel unsafe.

Have you ever gotten snappy with your partner because you were having an insecure day and, in your opinion, you Didn't have anything to wear like you were getting ready to go somewhere in your closet You're put trying on all the things and you get really upset. You get really emotional. You don't have anything to wear have you ever done that where you're like, oh my gosh, and then it's like an outlash Since getting into this whole perimenopause thing, I've really been struggling with my weight for the first time ever in my life.

I mean, before this, I was 124 pounds soaking wet. That was what I was for years, years, years, years, years, well into, um, my forties. And I can remember even at 124 pounds, even then, if I were having an insecure day and I was getting ready for work or I was, you know, getting ready to go out somewhere while getting dressed, I could easily have a little hissy fit. I've got nothing to wear. And then if my partner was like, what do you mean?

You look great. You've got a closet. That's the thing. You've got a closet full of clothes in there. What do you mean? You look great. What's wrong with what you've got on?

I would snap back with, no it doesn't, I look stupid in this. Yeah, ugh, like, like, it was their fault that I felt insecure and had no clothes to wear. And then you add in the jealousy and the idea in my head that somehow what I was wearing was going to make me feel more secure, was going to help me to not feel jealous, or that if I didn't have something great on, I would be looked at as less than by my partner. And so, looking back now, my hissy fit was the child in me coming out and wanting that external validation. Another unhealthy strategy to get attention or to get validation that I needed from someone else in the hopes that that would make me feel better. about what they thought about me.

And then maybe somehow giving them, you know, I'm giving them three points now on my, um, who won't abandon me scale or whatever for thinking that I looked good or commenting that I looked good. You get a three for that. Maybe that means that you're not going to, you know, you're not going to leave. so, learning self-trust is so important.

And while there are things that you can do. To like help to build that skill. It really is, in my opinion, it's a mind shift because like a lot of things, I mean, it's a mind shift because I know you're a black and white thinker, or you may tend to go overboard with a comment or a thought, you know, And what I mean by mind shift is not like, I have to be, this is, this is where people take and, and maybe don't understand the whole self-trust or, or selfself-love or meeting your own needs thing is because they think, Oh my gosh, you know, I've now have to become this fully independent woman and not rely on my partner for anything, and I need to go Get a toolbox with my own tools so I can fix stuff around here on my own so that I'll feel secure and self-dependent and self-trusting, and that's not the case.

And also, by the way, I hope you know that I poke fun at you because. I've done it, or thought it, or considered it, whatever. This is the way that I deal with things, or try to look at things, at least through humor. Because if we can't poke a little bit of fun at this insecurity and jealousy thing, it just, to me, it just makes it that much harder.

So, you know, same thing at my house at the dinner table. Don't come to eat. If you can't handle getting poked at a little bit not in a mean way, of course, it's all with love, but I think I get you pretty well. I think I know your mind, you know, how your brain works. So, uh, hopefully we're good. And again, um, I wouldn't poke fun of it if I hadn't done it myself or, I hadn't thought it or done it. So that is self-trust and what it means and what it doesn't mean.

So how do you do this? Like, how do you develop self-trust or change your mindset? And if you think about what you're afraid of being abandoned, being cheated on, it usually means you're abandoning yourself. This is a big part that we talk about in the bootcamp and a little bit in the free self-discovery workshop, which.

Yes, there's one coming up soon. I promised you all that there would be another one and it is next week. So, if you've not been, if you didn't join us in that workshop, you can sign up with the link, of course, in the show notes or in the description. But there are many ways that you could be abandoning yourself. here are just some examples to maybe think about like, oh, am I doing this? If you are ignoring your feelings, you’re suppressing them, you're pushing them down, you're convincing yourself that certain things don't bother you, or that you're fine in, you know, you're fine with certain situations.

I did that for years in my relationship with my dad. You know, when my mom or someone else would try to encourage me to call him or try to, reach out to him and, and at least try to form a relationship with him. I would always be like, why? I don't need him. I'm fine without having a dad. He wasn't there. I haven't had a dad in years.

He wasn't there when I started to date. He wasn't there when I got married. He wasn't there when I had a child. I'm totally fine with the way things are. Turns out, of course, no, not one single bit was I okay with how things were. I just had it in my head that it wasn't an issue for me and that I was fine and what was really there was I couldn't see past not having the type of father daughter relationship that you're, you know, quote unquote supposed to have. But man, was I so wrong, so wrong about being fine and that I didn't need it. I was really suppressing that. I can't even express how it changed my life to start having that relationship again with my dad after, you know, 25 plus years.

I feel so fortunate enough that we had at least those three years before he passed to begin to build the relationship. And, and I'll admit. Even, you know, when he first died, I was already doing this podcast. And my immediate thought was, really? Like I, I finally decide to do this thing and build a relationship with him.

I've been without him my whole life. And now, as soon as we start getting to a really great place that I loved, he gets taken away from me. And I had to do some really intentional thinking through that time because what I wanted to do again right away was close back up and go back to again and say, I'm fine.

You know, like I said, I didn't need him. I don't need him. So, I wanted to go right back there to suppress those feelings. And that would have been abandoning myself. That would have been abandoning my real emotions of being sad about it. I did need him. I did want him around and I was angry. I was so sad that he got taken away just when I started, you know, just when we started to work on this relationship.

And I'm still working through that sadness, to be honest. and I know that it's important to not abandon my true feelings about it. So that's just one example of. You're actually abandoning yourself and the way that you feel about things if you're trying to suppress them and act like oh, they're no big deal, they don't bother me.

For you, uh, abandoning yourself might also look like saying yes when you really mean no. Agreeing to plans to do something because you don't want to feel guilty about it. Um, there are a lot of people that are like that, you know, overworking or over committing, pushing yourself beyond your limits to prove your worth or gain approval, even at the expense of your physical or mental health.

This is another one that I did for a very long time. And really going, okay, well, what else can I do if, or if I stop doing this thing, they're not going to see me as valuable anymore. If I'm not doing this thing for them, they're not going to see my worth. And so overthinking or over committing again is a way that you're abandoning yourself.

Like, no, I need, I need to stand up for myself. I need to set boundaries for myself. I need to think about my health. And so, this may be a big one for you where you put others needs and priorities over your own to get acceptance from them. Again, to make sure that they like you or that they want to be with you or that they, you know, they don't leave you.

You'll, you'll do it even if you feel drained or resentful about it.  These are just some things that, you know, maybe you're doing day to day. There could also be things specific to your relationship that, you know, maybe you've tolerated disrespect. From a previous partner, from your current partner. This is a huge abandonment of yourself where you weren't there for yourself, you know, standing up for yourself, correcting someone or letting them know that you weren't going to accept that kind of treatment.

You know, don't speak to me this way. I'm not going to accept this or I'm not going to be disrespected. there are so many other ways, but I think you get the idea. So, the sentence of the only person that can abandon you is yourself can be a really powerful statement for you. So, one, you recognize that as Dr. Brittany McGann said, It's the child in you that wants the certainty and the guarantee it's the child that wants your partner to fill, fill out that, you know, are you going to abandon me or cheat on me scale?

Take that quiz. It's the child that wants that. You have the adult inside of you, the adult self, who can see the reality. Things aren't guaranteed, and it's okay to stop every minute of every day searching for it. The adult in you knows that.

Your adult self absolutely understands that that is the price we pay to be in relationship with somebody. And it may be worth the reward. It may be every bit of worth of reward, but if it turns out that it's not, okay, you've got this anyway. Like, you know what? I got it.

I got it anyway. I've got my own back. so, you do have somebody there to support you. You do have exactly what you're looking for in your partner. You do have that adult person that goes, I got it. I got me. No problem. And I'm, I'm saying no problem. Like, oh, who cares?

What? I don't mean it that way. Of course it would be hard, but you can handle it, and you don't have to beat yourself up as we always do. Like, oh, I should have seen the signs that was a sign, and I just ignored it. Or I chose to, that's okay. Stop looking for them in that way. Stop, you know, hoping that somebody will fill out or pass that scale of, are they going to abandon you? Just know they could. They absolutely could. It's absolutely a possibility, but I'm going to choose to believe in myself, not in the relationship, not in the person, but I'm going to choose to believe in myself enough that, hey, I'm willing to be vulnerable. I'm willing to be in relationship with this person and I'm willing to trust that they want the same thing.

But if it goes awry, if something happens, I got my own back. And so, then the second thing is really then If you have that fear of abandonment, it might be a signal that you. are abandoning yourself in all of the ways that we talked about. 

I really hope that you think about this one, consider it. And again, I know you're black and white. I know you love to take things to extreme. Don't take it too extreme of like, well, what's the point? What's the use in having a partner? There are so many things, so many great things about having a partner, but they don't have to be Your only source of love and affection and attention and importance. Put yourself there. Give it to yourself. In all of these ways, stop abandoning yourself. And then, typically, everyone else will follow suit. Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone. 

And you've got your own back. Just in case, I'm also here to support you too.