You Don't Deserve This EP 86

[00:00:59] Shanenn Bryant: Thanks again for joining and congratulations on doing some work for yourself. By listening to this podcast. Today is a quick dump episode but I think it's an important one. And this has really been weighing heavy on me so I just wanted to quickly record something about it and get it out to you because it's something that you might need today. A lot of times on this podcast, I am coming from the viewpoint and the standpoint of trying to bring self awareness about some of the behaviors that might, that you might be doing that are impacting your relationship And that are impacting you. So I spend a lot of time coming from that place where you trying to get you to see, to look inward. To see where you can make a difference just with you versus blaming our partners. And, and putting things on them for things like, you know, when we say, oh, if you hadn't looked at that person, I wouldn't be. Jealous or if you treated me better. I wouldn't feel insecure. 

[00:02:12] Shanenn Bryant: If you paid more attention to me, I wouldn't get insecure and then therefore get jealous. So I try to bring a lot of awareness that this is a me problem no matter who you're in a relationship with because we don't know, you could be in a relationship with somebody who might be unfaithful, but you might be in a relationship with people who is very faithful to you. That's not the problem. 

[00:02:40] Shanenn Bryant: The underlying problem is our limiting beliefs, our negative beliefs that we have about ourselves that make this jealousy such a focus that makes us feel insecure. So I try to bring a lot of self-awareness from that standpoint of let's look in word let's work on ourselves versus putting blame on our partner or trying to get the reassurance from them constantly, or thinking that it's an outside thing. 

[00:03:09] Shanenn Bryant: It's just like, if I lose 30 pounds, it doesn't make me more secure. You might feel a little better about yourself, but if you haven't changed that thought process of I'm unworthy of love or I'm unworthy, or, I'm, I'm defective or. 

[00:03:27] Shanenn Bryant: I'm going to be abandoned then that jealousy is not going to change. So that's usually where I'm coming from 

[00:03:36] Shanenn Bryant: and we definitely want to stay away from that type of thing where we're blaming our partner for sure. I still, I, I stand by that and I will continue to bring you things and challenge your thoughts about this being a partner issue. 

[00:03:54] Shanenn Bryant: But the number one thing that I hear is how embarrassing jealousy is and how shameful you feel being jealous Feeling bad and guilty and ashamed of the things that you say and the things that you do either to your partner within the relationship. 

[00:04:14] Shanenn Bryant: You know, if you're, you know, we feel guilty sometimes for things that our partner doesn't even know that we're doing. So this those things that maybe you're monitoring. 

[00:04:23] Shanenn Bryant: And yes, from an outsider's perspective if they heard maybe the questions that you're asking your partner, or if they saw the things that you're doing, the monitoring things, the checking things certainly. If they could hear your thoughts 

[00:04:42] Shanenn Bryant: someone might go wow. I can't believe that this person's doing this over this one minor thing. Like, why are they so triggered about this little thing that happened? 

[00:04:54] Shanenn Bryant: You know why all this, all the person did was sit down for dinner. They couldn't help who was there. They couldn't help who was there or what direction they faced. And this person just went off the deep end. I get it. So when outside people looking in, or if they were to see that. A lot of judgment comes with that. Me and she's crazy. 

[00:05:20] Shanenn Bryant: She's psycho. She's not. And unfortunately, You may have heard that from your partner even. 

[00:05:29] Shanenn Bryant: You could have heard it when you watch, if you're looking at stuff on social media and they're talking about jealousy or other women are talking about 

[00:05:38] Shanenn Bryant: why are you so, you know, jealous and don't be so insecure just because I'm doing this and, you know, Maybe hold on to your man, all the stuff that, that you hear. 

[00:05:51] Shanenn Bryant: And really quite frankly, Potentially all the things that you tell yourself, you may be saying those things to yourself. Like, oh, why am I so screwed up? Why am I so messed up? why am I this way? What is wrong with me? 

[00:06:07] Shanenn Bryant: Why do I have to be someone who is like this? And so I want to spend some time. Looking at things from just a little bit. Have a different perspective And looking from the lens of a viewpoint that you may not have looked at this yet. 

[00:06:24] Shanenn Bryant: Most likely if you're someone who's suffering from this extreme jealousy. you have went through some things in your life. You've had some difficulties, people did things to you that you maybe had no control over that you didn't contribute to, that you didn't ask for that you didn't wish. Upon yourself that you didn't do anything to provoke that thing happening, whether that was from a caregiver. You know, a parent or a caregiver when you were young. Or whether that was something that you went through as an adult. 

[00:07:05] Shanenn Bryant: But if you are extremely triggered by these minor things, something. 

[00:07:13] Shanenn Bryant: Most likely happened. You most likely have went through some things. 

[00:07:19] Shanenn Bryant: And that trigger is coming from that trauma. 

[00:07:24] Shanenn Bryant: Your nervous system is out of whack. 

[00:07:28] Shanenn Bryant: So one of the things that I want you to think about is okay. 

[00:07:32] Shanenn Bryant: Yes, your causing problems potentially in your relationship because of your jealousy. And the thoughts that you're having and the constant questioning.

[00:07:43] Shanenn Bryant: And there's no question that you need to work on that. But what I also know about you is that even if your partner didn't get mad at you, you still wouldn't want to feel this way. You would still feel bad and guilty and ashamed that you felt this way and you wouldn't feel good. Aye. Absolutely know that feeling that you get in your stomach where you just, oh my gosh, my stomach hurts so bad and I'm so sick of myself with all these thoughts going on and I'm constantly nervous and I'm constantly on edge. 

[00:08:21] Shanenn Bryant: And I feel like I can't concentrate. I guess what, if, even if your partner did it get mad at you? For being jealous and for questioning and for all of those things. It's not like you'd still want to be this way. You would still not want the upset stomach and the nerves and All of the negative feelings in your body and the emotions and the thoughts that you have, you, you wouldn't want those. 

[00:08:47] Shanenn Bryant: You would want those to still go away. So I know that you more than anyone do not want to feel this way, do not want to be this way and do not want to have this. It sucks. I know that. 

[00:09:00] Shanenn Bryant: I know that you don't want to be sitting at home or in your car or trying to hang out with friends and family and not being able to be present in the moment or, or you feel like you can't be present with your kids. 

[00:09:11] Shanenn Bryant: I know that that's not what you want.  Your partner getting angry at you, your partner being mad at you because you were jealous again. Feeling that shame and that guilt. 

[00:09:23] Shanenn Bryant: I know that you would still want this to stop. 

[00:09:28] Shanenn Bryant: I know that you don't want to anymore feel like you can't go to the pool and enjoy the sunshine and layout and get that feeling of just. Oh, I feel so relaxed. I'm laying in the sun and I can feel the warmth on my skin. And it's so nice cause I can hear the crashing of the pool and the background and the water splashing. And it just feels so calm and so peaceful. 

[00:09:54] Shanenn Bryant: And maybe I read a book while I'm laying out here, or maybe I just listen to music or maybe I just listened to the background of the water and people jumping in and it splashing. 

[00:10:04] Shanenn Bryant: And enjoying the feeling of that warmth on my skin. I know that you want that? You would want that whether your partner gets angry at you about jealousy or not, you want to go to the pool And not have to think about your partner being there and who they're looking at and what they're seeing and people in bathing suits and you can't relax, you don't want to think about those things.

[00:10:32] Shanenn Bryant: Not being able to go to the pool, not feeling comfortable at a restaurant. Having to think about who your husband or wife are talking to on a daily basis while they're at work. And what are they doing on guys night or girl's night or, oh my gosh, we have an event and they're going to be a lot of people there. 

[00:10:51] Shanenn Bryant: All of that, those thoughts, those feelings. Those emotions. I know where they come from. 

[00:11:00] Shanenn Bryant: And I would bet you didn't ask for those things you didn't ask for that to happen to you when you were five or six or eight or 12? Or in your early twenties. Whenever it was. 

[00:11:16] Shanenn Bryant: That that trauma happened to you. I know. You didn't ask for it. You didn't do anything to provoke it.  You don't deserve to be told that you're crazy or psycho or nuts or any of those things for what happened to you? You didn't ask your parents to be that way your mom or your dad. You didn't ask for that. 

[00:11:41] Shanenn Bryant: There was no escaping at six or seven or 12 years old that you couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't go anywhere. And my situation, I had to stay there. It wasn't like I get up and leave at eight years old or 12 years old. No, I was in it. I was stuck in it. No matter what I wanted to do. I didn't have a choice in the situation. And that repetition plus emotion programs life's commotion. We know that, repetition plus emotion. Somewhere along the way there was enough repetition of something for you or enough emotion behind something. 

[00:12:19] Shanenn Bryant: The trigger, this that caused it. You were forced to be in that, that repetitive situation. 

[00:12:26] Shanenn Bryant: So I want to ask you today to start. Forgiving yourself. 

[00:12:32] Shanenn Bryant: You can forgive yourself. 

[00:12:34] Shanenn Bryant: And you can understand. And really finally, like put down the shield, put down your armor. And give yourself a hat and say, oh my gosh, what you went through. I'm so sorry. 

[00:12:52] Shanenn Bryant: Forgive yourself for coming up with unhealthy strategies. As a way of trying to handle something that you couldn't process. 

[00:13:02] Shanenn Bryant: Maybe that's the way, whatever way you came up with that's, how you got through the night or the next day. Or fifth grade or high school. Whatever the timeframe was that you were in pain. Forgive yourself . 

[00:13:16] Shanenn Bryant: You need to love yourself. 

[00:13:20] Shanenn Bryant: And see yourself as not this jealousy as not This person who is taken over by jealousy, and that's all you have to offer. You shouldn't have to spend your days feeling like I'll. I have to make up for the fact that I'm jealous. 

[00:13:35] Shanenn Bryant: It's important that you think about that, that person who didn't ask for these things. Didn't want them didn't expect them. Nothing you could do. 

[00:13:49] Shanenn Bryant: And yet it happened to you. I want you to forgive that person to say, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for what you went through. I love you. 

[00:13:59] Shanenn Bryant: Yes, I get it. Your maybe not the nicest person when you feel jealous, maybe you're doing things that are not nice. And even potentially verbally abusive to your spouse. Hopefully not physically abusive of course. But they may not be nice things. 

[00:14:19] Shanenn Bryant: I get that. We're not saying it's okay. That I'm like that. And I it's okay if I continue to be like that, that's not it at all. I know you're working on it. You know that you're working on it, you know, that you would give anything to change that. It has to start first with accepting yourself. And knowing that you're not. Broken, you're not damaged. 

[00:14:46] Shanenn Bryant: Your not this horrible person. That deserves to be called psycho nuts. 

[00:14:52] Shanenn Bryant: Crazy, whatever you don't deserve that. 

[00:14:55] Shanenn Bryant: And it starts with loving yourself first and forgiving. For what may be in the past. And really not even forgiving, but just accepted, like acknowledging and saying, I am so sorry. To that little kid that went through all of the things. That you went through. 

[00:15:16] Shanenn Bryant: And my gosh. That you're here and that you're listening to this podcast And probably reading books and listening to other podcasts. To do what you can to do anything you can to get through it, to get on the other side of it, you've been surviving. You survived it, you got through it. 

[00:15:36] Shanenn Bryant: And now you're just trying to figure out how to get out of the unhealthy strategies. It doesn't mean you're this horrible person. 

[00:15:45] Shanenn Bryant: So I, I have this guilty pleasure of watching 90 day fiancé and some of the real Housewives franchise, things like that. And, you know, I've changed my tune a little bit, especially on the Housewives. I don't really love the fact that they don't support each other as women. And I battled myself all the time. 

[00:16:05] Shanenn Bryant: Like I really shouldn't be watching this, but then I watch it anyway, which I guess that's why they call it guilty pleasure. But on 90 day fiancé if you watch it. There is a woman on there named Angela. And she is married to this Nigerian man and she just loses her mind every episode. Um, I mean, if this guy chews a piece of gum and she flips out. I mean, she's really she's. 

[00:16:35] Shanenn Bryant: She. You know, she'll get in his face and she screams at him and she calls him names and, she's just horrible to him. And I've caught myself several times going, oh my gosh, this lady is wacko. 

[00:16:50] Shanenn Bryant: And then I stop and go. Oh, wait a second. 

[00:16:55] Shanenn Bryant: I get it. I get why she so triggered now, first of all, I think he's cheated on her a couple times and you know, they were in different countries for a long time. That's the whole premise of the show. And then now they're together in the U S but 

[00:17:10] Shanenn Bryant: I I realized like, wait a second. It's the same thing. She under all of that screaming and yelling and name calling and all of the things she's doing, which. I cannot say enough. I do not agree with it. In fact, I've thought so many times like, oh, I want to write in and go you got to get off the show. 

[00:17:34] Shanenn Bryant: If that were a man doing that to a woman. Like all in her face, screaming at her, pushing her pointed at her, they would have taken him off right away. They wouldn't let them on the show. But this is a woman doing it to a man and I was like, oh my gosh, I, I do not agree. So again, I just want to say, I do not agree with it at all. It is so wrong, and I feel horrible for him. 

[00:18:05] Shanenn Bryant: I found myself though, really being able to empathize with her and go. Oh, she’s got some major trauma there. She's got some major trauma behind that, because 

[00:18:19] Shanenn Bryant: I remember we've been talking about it. If it's hysterical, it's historical and she is beyond hysterical. For very minor things that this man does now, do we know? Yes, there's so much more rooted there. One she, you know, he was, he betrayed her and because she loves him because he promised never to do it again. 

[00:18:44] Shanenn Bryant: She fell back into like, okay, I'm going to try to trust him. And then it happened again. And so, yes, I mean, there are. very, apparent reasons why she may be getting mad at him. But it's coming out and all these like ways instead of just, I am still very angry with you for what happened, et cetera, et cetera, are putting up her own boundaries or leaving the relationship it's coming out in all of these different ways that. Any outsider, looking at this situation and be like, oh my God, this, this is, this is the craziness. So, I get why people say it. 

[00:19:22] Shanenn Bryant: I get where it comes from, and she'll get really emotional sometimes and I CA it's I can see her. I can see her going through. I can relate it, going back to Costa Rica on the beach and just like that high energy flipping out where you've just felt like you have no control. 

[00:19:41] Shanenn Bryant: And then it's almost this crash. You know, this, this crash that happens afterwards. 

[00:19:48] Shanenn Bryant: Where it was like this huge release of energy that she does, that she explodes that we do explodes gets the energy out. And now all the emotion behind it starts coming. Right. I she's a very, I think underneath all that, she's a very sweet hearted, loving, caring person, and she just wants somebody. To be faithful and care about her and love her back. And she probably has a, had a great track record with that. And she now is in a situation where it's kind of showing up again. 

[00:20:23] Shanenn Bryant: So, I say all that to say, I can see why someone from the outside looking in. might be judgmental, but you don't have to be to yourself just because. Someone else doesn't understand. It doesn't mean that their judgment on you. Is correct or, okay. And that includes your spouse. Your partner, your friends, your mama. Whoever. It includes them too. They don't get to say that to you. 

[00:21:03] Shanenn Bryant: And I really just want to encourage you to take that stance. It, even if it's in your own head, For now. I'd be like, you know what, when I hear it, I just know that that's somebody else who's being judgmental because they don't understand. Because everyone has problems. Everyone has their own things. And. 

[00:21:30] Shanenn Bryant: Guess what. some people's things that they have that they're dealing with. That that might be hard for them in their life. Some of that. They did things to create that that was based on their own choices. 

[00:21:46] Shanenn Bryant: Most likely you didn't choose this. So today Maybe you need to hear this to say, you know what. I'm not gonna allow for the you're crazy. You're nuts. I'm not going to allow for that conversation anymore. 

[00:22:05] Shanenn Bryant: I'm not going to hear it the same way. I'm going to hear it now as that they're just being. Judgmental, which we can understand because we can be judgmental and we. Everybody should think the way that we do right. Everybody should think the way that you do. So, we can be judgmental too. You can be judgmental too. 

[00:22:23] Shanenn Bryant: That's okay. But just know that it's coming from that they don't understand. And they haven't maybe experienced it. 

[00:22:31] Shanenn Bryant: It's okay for you to say, you know what? I love me, even with the jealousy. I still love me, and I need to love me. I really feel like that's the first step forever. I say the first step is the self-awareness. I actually think it's. Let's start loving first and you need to love yourself first. 

[00:22:56] Shanenn Bryant: All of you. And understanding, hey, this is something that I went through. This is how I'm responding. My job is to work on getting healthy strategies. Instead of unhealthy strategies, but it doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make me nuts or psycho or crazy either. 

[00:23:18] Shanenn Bryant: In case you don't do it for yourself. At least today. I really want you to think about, oh my gosh. What I went through in my life. And. 

[00:23:29] Shanenn Bryant: You know, do it when you're in a safe space, you don't have to go back to details. We don't want to re-traumatize. But Jess maybe Have the acknowledgement have the self-acknowledgement to go, oh my gosh. 

[00:23:42] Shanenn Bryant: What I went through in my life. Oh, my gosh. What I had to deal with. And give yourself a hug. You deserve all the love in the world and part of that's loving yourself first. It's saying I love myself and I'm going to love every part of myself. 

[00:24:08] Shanenn Bryant: So in case you don't do it for yourself today. I am so sorry. I'm so sorry for what you went through. I'm so sorry for what you had to deal with. 

[00:24:21] Shanenn Bryant: I'm so sorry for what you may have experienced, whether it's physically or mentally or emotionally. I am so sorry. And you don't deserve to be called crazy or psycho or nuts, or off the rails rr wacko Or anything by anyone.

[00:24:49] Shanenn Bryant: Until next time, take care and remember. You're not alone.